girlfriend always chatting online with her guy 'friend'

[random_guy]

my girlfriend is always chatting online with her 'friend' from work. she will chat with him at work and it is also common for them to chat nights and weekends too. as far as I can tell this is all that is going on, she has not acted strange or secretive about it. she has known him for about 5 months.

he also got her a gift on her birthday. nothing fancy or anything trying to be romantic or anything. she is planning on getting him something on his birthday also. I have played it cool so far and have not let on that this is starting to bug me as I might be making it out to be more than it is.

one of our mutual friends has told me that she admitted to having a crush on her co-worker but that is it. I did confront her about this casually and she said that a 'crush' is nothing. she said women have crushes all the time and if she had a crush on will smith, would i be worried about that? should I consider this behavior a red flag, and am I right to be suspicious about this?

 

[aix237]

Youre sh1t is done. My ex was doing the same sh1t oh hes just a friend he got me tickets to a concert or whatever. I said go fvck yourself then. And she did. Would you be talking to a girl online you werent interested in anyway of fvcking? or buying them a "non romantic gift"? Didnt think so

 

[Warrior74]

LOL. I'm a "guy friend" to a couple of chics I used to bang. They call and ask how I'm doing, we chat about the kids and all of that....eventually it comes down to when can I see you, and the inevitable response...you can't see me, your married. They keep calling, I keep refusing because I don't bang married chics. Eventually the get the point and move on to the next "guy friend". LOL I could never allow that sh1t in my house, I know the score.

 

[HollywoodAFD]

This is very very bad. Worse than you seem to realize. I also know from personal experience. I've been on both sides. Nip it in the bud and save yourself some heartache.

 

[jophil28]

Cheating does not start when the zippers pop open at 2am.
Cheating exists along a continuum and it begins when one person in a relationship turns to an opposite sex third party for emotional safisfaction or attention.


She works with him, she has a crush on him and she spends time "always chatting with him online......nights and weekends." Three red flags there ..Ding !

 

[Jitterbug]

Take a leaf out of her book and get yourself a few hotter girls to have a crush on.

 

[T-X]

I've been in a similar situation, don't be surprised if she breaks up with you to be with this guy in a few months.

 

[jonwon]

"she said women have crushes all the time and if she had a crush on will smith, would i be worried about that"?

The thing is, She isn't chatting to will smith everynight or working alongside him, or buying presents to exchange.

I love how women manipulate chumps with the 'he is just a friend Bullsh**'.

Not only that it seems the lies they spew are accepted without question, even if the lies are intune with the logic from a 2 year old.

It is one thing accepting this drama, it is another to accept her blatent BS at face value.

Seeing a guy from work and disguising it has a male friend? DUMP!!

Manipulating you through shallow stupid logic? DUMP and never speak to the cow again!

 

[jophil28]

one of our mutual friends has told me that she admitted to having a crush on her co-worker but that is it. I did confront her about this casually and she said that a 'crush' is nothing. she said women have crushes all the time and if she had a crush on will smith, would i be worried about that? should I consider this behavior a red flag, and am I right to be suspicious about this?

A couple of points-
I assume that she and you are in a 'committed and exclusive' relationship .
Her behavior with this co-worker therefor crosses over the lines of what is what is normally considered acceptable.
She has made the situation significantly worse by fobbing you off with that "crush on Will Smith" comment. That was a juvenile statement, and a pathetic attempt to justify her behaviour by subtly suggesting that your protest was unreasonable and unfounded. So she not only fobbed you off, she treated your complaint with contempt.
IT looks to me as if she has NO interest in your feelings in the matter as long as she gets to have her ego bloated by having two rivals for her affection..
She is certainly taking you for granted.

Furthermore, that co-worker is hardly likely to be talking to her in order to pursue a platonic friendship. Men just don't go to all that trouble for a pure 'friendship'. She may just have a "crush on him, BUT you do not know what he feels for her, or what he wants to happen.
I believe that he is just biding his time and consolidating his position until he is signalled by her to step forward.

There is no simple solution to this dilemma except dumping her - you have tried raising your concerns and she dismissed your feelings with some stupid chick logic.

Your move.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The fancy term for all of this is "emotional infidelity." Counselors and therapists would agree that what she is doing is wrong.

That leaves you with the question of what to do about it. Dumping her is probably the smart choice, but fwiw I would not do so, as long as your sex life was not suffering. When it does, then bail. Until then, start talking to other girls on the side. With her actions, she has given you free reign to do as you like. If she thought that her talking to another guy would make you go fvck other women, then she wouldn't do it. But she does not think you have the balls to follow through.

 

[samspade]

She may not be acting strange or secretive about it....that means nothing.

A girl I banged a long time ago, from the office, had a BF. She let him know every time I came over. He knew she had a crush on me. He just assumed she was being truthful so he allowed her to hang out with me. Big mistake.

 

[squirrels]

No, it wouldn't be a big deal if she had a "crush" on Will Smith. However, this is only because not only is Will Smith married to Jada Pinkett Smith with kids, Will Smith doesn't even know your woman exists and wouldn't care about her if he DID know.

If she saw Will Smith every day, Will Smith started chatting with her at all hours of the day, and Will Smith started buying her gifts, you'd be right to be concerned. There's a difference between being enamored with a random celebrity and being enamored with someone who is VERY MUCH a part of your life already...one is more in jest than anything, whereas the other is "for real".

From the way you talk, it sounds like this girl is already living with you. If she isn't, then I'd agree that you should start "exploring options" and make some distance.

If you are...then you're about to learn a valuable lesson on why you SHOULDN'T move in with your "girlfriend".

First time they "go out for drinks" at lunch or after work, guarantee he's rounding second-base with her. But she'll act like it doesn't "mean anything" because her pants stayed on. Making out "doesn't count".

 

[squirrels]

To add to that...I just don't GET it. I don't understand the "half-arsed marriage" of today's modern couple. They're not MARRIED, but they're "committed"...to the point where they live together/shack up, have joint property, do everything together.

They KNOW they aren't right for each other...that's why they don't do the "official" thing. But they insist on being "committed" and "faithful"...then find exceptions to those self-imposed fidelity rules that they later rationalize "don't count" when they are only half-arsed-committed in the first place.

Like I said...20- and 30-somethings "playing grown-ups".

 

[radiodude]

Yes, this rationalizing makes alot of the facade of these fake relationships nowdays dissolve.

Case in point. A couple months back, late one Friday night after my wife and boy had just went to sleep, I was up on the PC on Facebook and having a quick chat with a buddy, when all of the sudden an ex-gf pops up and starts chatting with me. Long story short, we talked for almost 2 HOURS. She's married too. I finally ended the convo and went off to bed thinking how pissed I would be if I was her husband.

Not to mention my wife probably wouldn't have thought very highly of it either.

albeit it was a pretty tame chat.

Now I hadn't talked to her in quite some time and she lives about 4 hours away from me. So it isn't like we see each other often. Now, if that would become a regular occurance among myself and her, I'm sure bad things would follow.

The disrespect that manifests itself when women do this blatantly and knowingly, over and over in their mans face, is indicitive of the level of entitlement and lack of character that manifests itself in younger women nowdays. AND I'M 29!!!! I can't imagine having to repeatedly deal with that.

 

[MacDaddy]

I know many will not agree but I would be blunt and just tell her to stop chatting to the chap and see how she reacts.
If she values the relationship she should easily be able to say to the guy my bf is not happy about this so we have to stop.
I once used to go to the gym with a female colleague (no bad intentions on my part). Her bf told her stop it and that was that
If she says no or argues just dump her as this means you will never have the respect you need. I know you will think this will just drive her into the other guys bed but that is inevitable and you get to keep your self respect this way at least

 

[jophil28]

The disrespect that manifests itself when women do this blatantly and knowingly, over and over in their mans face, is indicitive of the level of entitlement and lack of character that manifests itself in younger women nowdays. AND I'M 29!!!! I can't imagine having to repeatedly deal with that.

You ARE likely to have to deal with this self same problem if you date 25 year olds.
The way to avoid being trapped in an LTR with one of these princesses is to clearly define your standards and expectations BEFORE you sign up, and be wiiling to walk away she if she violates your rules.

 

[sharkbeat]

I did confront her about this casually and she said that a 'crush' is nothing. she said women have crushes all the time and if she had a crush on will smith, would i be worried about that? should I consider this behavior a red flag, and am I right to be suspicious about this?

That's where you fall. Never confront her anything on what she's doing. I don't know what you meant by 'casually', but confronting her on anything she does is a big insecurity. Instead, the first time you found out about it, immediately ask her about him. Let her tell you about him. Let the secret out before it gets nastier. You need communication in a relationship.

Make sure she's informed that what she's doing also applies to you. Tell her you also have a crush on Megan Fox or something, or some chicks back in high school, or this hot chick at work, and make you sure you do that playfully -- that implies that you understand that if she has to move on to another guy, you'll be fine, and sometimes, she won't if she knows you've also got options.

 

[sharkbeat]

Yes, this rationalizing makes alot of the facade of these fake relationships nowdays dissolve.

Case in point. A couple months back, late one Friday night after my wife and boy had just went to sleep, I was up on the PC on Facebook and having a quick chat with a buddy, when all of the sudden an ex-gf pops up and starts chatting with me. Long story short, we talked for almost 2 HOURS. She's married too. I finally ended the convo and went off to bed thinking how pissed I would be if I was her husband.

Not to mention my wife probably wouldn't have thought very highly of it either.

albeit it was a pretty tame chat.

Now I hadn't talked to her in quite some time and she lives about 4 hours away from me. So it isn't like we see each other often. Now, if that would become a regular occurance among myself and her, I'm sure bad things would follow.

The disrespect that manifests itself when women do this blatantly and knowingly, over and over in their mans face, is indicitive of the level of entitlement and lack of character that manifests itself in younger women nowdays. AND I'M 29!!!! I can't imagine having to repeatedly deal with that.

You guys are all lacking communication.:nono:

You need to tell your wife about that. "Hey last night my ex-gf talked to me on fb. Bla bla bla". I did that a lot with my previous relationships. Talking about ex-es is one sure way of actually building a solid relationship with your present one. Not talking about her/him would actually raise suspicion from the other party.

My very first gf contacted me on fb too. She now lives in Australia and married, and she said something along the lines of "come over here! you should just live here, I'll take you around". I told my then-gf (had some meaningful relationship with her, and she had talked to her before over the phone), and she didn't get jealous or anything, as a matter of fact, she was giving me a hint into the female brains. "OMG! Something is wrong with her marriage! Her husband must have done something bad!" then it becomes a gossip, which chicks love.

Hide nothing.

 

[jonwon]

That's where you fall. Never confront her anything on what she's doing. I don't know what you meant by 'casually', but confronting her on anything she does is a big insecurity. Instead, the first time you found out about it, immediately ask her about him. Let her tell you about him. Let the secret out before it gets nastier. You need communication in a relationship.

Make sure she's informed that what she's doing also applies to you. Tell her you also have a crush on Megan Fox or something, or some chicks back in high school, or this hot chick at work, and make you sure you do that playfully -- that implies that you understand that if she has to move on to another guy, you'll be fine, and sometimes, she won't if she knows you've also got options.

His GF is lying to him and practically dating another guy in his face and you want him to be playful?


And not only that you want him to be civil?

What she needs is her suitcase packing, taking up to the top floor window of his house and throwing out of the window when she comes a knocking, not some pandering wussy shi*.

I ask you what the hell will your advice result in?

"Yes dear it is ok for you to be chatting to another guy from work, and palming me off with lies and BS, because you know, I like megan fox (tickle, tickle), if you want to fuc* his brains out, that's ok too, I can accept you need to move on, because I am such a fuc*ing puss*, I will hang on till you rip out my heart, stamp on it, then leave a big steaming shi* ontop of it"

Get a grip the girl crossed a line, she should be dust.

She won't move on if he has options, wtf is this garbabge? He isn't 'gaming her' in a nightclub, this is his GF! Your advice is akin to gaming a chick 'with a BF', his GF has crossed a line that only walking will resolve.

This girl needs to come back pleading and begging for his manly forgivness, not being encouraged to be a ho!

Also it is not insecure to realize your GF is selling you a big pile of dog do! In this case, if this was my girl, she'd be long gone, but if I wanted more proof i'd have zero problems putting a keylogger on the PC, insecure? The girl deserves no less.

Edit- this is how the guy should have handled it.

Him

"Your on the PC alot these days, you chatting to domanie (or some other girl name)"

Her

"No it's a guy from work, i've been chatting to him for ages now, i've also got a crush on the guy and i'm buying him a present for his BD".

At that stage, knowing that, i'd go to the PC, un-plug the thing, and tell her to get the fuc* out of my house.

 

[sharkbeat]

His GF is lying to him and practically dating another guy in his face and you want him to be playful?


And not only that you want him to be civil?

What she needs is her suitcase packing, taking up to the top floor window of his house and throwing out of the window when she comes a knocking, not some pandering wussy shi*.

I ask you what the hell will your advice result in?

"Yes dear it is ok for you to be chatting to another guy from work, and palming me off with lies and BS, because you know, I like megan fox (tickle, tickle), if you want to fuc* his brains out, that's ok too, I can accept you need to move on, because I am such a fuc*ing puss*, I will hang on till you rip out my heart, stamp on it, then leave a big steaming shi* ontop of it"

Get a grip the girl crossed a line, she should be dust.

She won't move on if he has options, wtf is this garbabge? He isn't 'gaming her' in a nightclub, this is his GF! Your advice is akin to gaming a chick 'with a BF', his GF has crossed a line that only walking will resolve.

This girl needs to come back pleading and begging for his manly forgivness, not being encouraged to be a ho!

Also it is not insecure to realize your GF is selling you a big pile of dog do! In this case, if this was my girl, she'd be long gone, but if I wanted more proof i'd have zero problems putting a keylogger on the PC, insecure? The girl deserves no less.

Edit- this is how the guy should have handled it.

Him

"Your on the PC alot these days, you chatting to domanie (or some other girl name)"

Her

"No it's a guy from work, i've been chatting to him for ages now, i've also got a crush on the guy and i'm buying him a present for his BD".

At that stage, knowing that, i'd go to the PC, un-plug the thing, and tell her to get the fuc* out of my house.

Chatting to a guy is harmless, and they are not even married so it is not crossing any line here. Even if it's a married relationship, she's chatting to a guy is still harmless depending on what she's chatting about. It's true that she might have done something behind his back, but who knows and I am not here to speculate or give negative thoughts. The fact that you all are fussing over some IM or txt chatting shows how much insecurity you have.

If you have problem with things that affect your feeling and boundary needs to be communicated as early as possible by the time she did it. That's my point. If he sees and lets her chat, feels bitter about it but doesn't say a word to her about it, but then a month later throws a fit out of nowhere, that's a huge insecurity on his side.

Yes, he also needs to be strong to drop her just like you said, but a fight and yelling is not necessary. As soon as she crosses your line, just tell her "hey babe, looks like you prefer to be with this guy than me. we are breaking up. end of discussion." To me, that line is when she actually slept with the guy or lied to me, not chatting.