Girl with low self esteem suspects I'm a player

[Jariel]

I've developed a great connection with a friend during the past weeks and we have become very close. Some of her actions suggest that she's interested in me, and yet she's so guarded.

She runs herself down all the time and I ended up telling her I liked her. First she accused me of saying it to be kind, then when I told her I was genuine, she told me she's not worth getting to know and she screws up everything. I took that as a knock back and dropped the subject.

However, she later started fishing for a compliment again, running herself down and I told her "clearly my opinion doesn't count for anything so I'm not going to say anything". She told me that she doesn't buy it because she knows I have women all over me (she hears them talk about me a lot apparently) and she thinks I'm a player..."just very good at it" - though I don't know what she means by that.

I use C+F, we neg hit each other, I have a load of social proof, I'm coolheaded, we have amazing rapport, there's plenty of kino, but I really don't know whether to take her as disinterested or defensive. And if she is just defensive, then how the hell do I proceed with a woman like this?

 

[MrHarris]

Sometimes women will say these things cause they are using a different tactic. They are actually attention ho's and just need the constant validation that they are attractive.

 

[Andromax]

She wants you to get all mushy with her. It may be a sh!t test to throw away all your DJ skills.

If you find her attractive, even after all her insecurites show through, then just keep up the game you are throwing at her. Dont change what you are doing because of HER. Thats not how the game works. The rules never change.

After she gets to know YOU, over time, then she may come around. But if she doesnt, or if she gets more psycho, then Id find a more stable woman...

 

[Kaine]

Hey...

Hey!

HEY!!!

Jariel. You should know better then to tell a girl point blank that you like her. That's like telling the other side you're shooting blanks.

From what little you have described, she sounds like she know's the game and how to play it.

I'm smelling stinky games at the moment, she's fishing for compliments. Instead of taking a compliment, some girls (and guys) like that thrive on them, they will put themselves down so you can bring them up. Keep this up an any interest she has is going to swim with the fishes.

With a chick like this:

You: Hey looking tasty tonight
Her: Nah I suck
Incorrect response::
You: No really, you are sooooo super hot, and I love you, honest trully. You are goddess purrrrrr.

Correct::
You: *generic ****y and/or funny line*

Kaine

 

[DJDamage]

Keep playing it cool with her. You lost your cool when you stright out said " I like you" , "clearly my opinion doesn't count for anything so I'm not going to say anything". When you say things like that to a girl its counterproductive because you are putting it on her on the spot, and women do not react well to pressure.

You cannot play this game for ever. You have to one day call her up and tell her " tonight we are going out so get dressed and lets have some fun" then you make your move. If she flakes on you, don't go into reasoning why she flakes on you but just know it was a negative reaction and you should be looking to date other women.

Don't let women play games with you because the more they do the more they will win and the less likely you will have a shot with her.

 

[Sweetcheeks]

On validating her

Just a thought, but you might want to re-evaluate your goals with this girl.

Are you interested in becoming her success coach, parent, or boyfriend/lover?

I've dated girls with low self-esteem before, and have made the mistake of trying to provide counsel and motivation. I'm beginning to understand that this isn't my role.

What you need to do is focus on moving the romance forward.

-Don't say how much you like her, show it through sprinkling actions here and there throughout the time you spend with her. Just to keep her guessing.

-Wouldn't it make perfectly good sense to sublty disregard her self-deprecating comments? Focussing on that would only bring her self-esteem issues to the forefront, and create a barrier to romance and good feelings.

-I think you should use some kino, or the kiss test, or whatever you call it, to build some anticipation, and work towards a kiss, and continue from there. 2 steps forward, 1 step back, etc. But move forward, don't let things stall.

Good luck.

 

[Euthyphro]

A similar situation has me stumped right now too: I liked this girl for a long while but she had a bf. Recently we were hanging out and i asked about her bf and she replied that she didn't have one but that she's been seeing someone new. I always felt a strong conection with her and that we really liked each other but I don't get involved with taken women so I kept my distance. but now that she is single I ask her out and she looks at me like I'm an idiot and repeats that she's started seeing someone else already. I take this as disinterest and although disappointed that I misread her interest I decide that shes still pretty cool and could be fun to do things with.

So I meet her and her roommate a few weeks later and we go skiing for the day. Her Roommate is really cute, smart and funny too and I'm glad that I didn't freak out b/c i'm really having a good time with the girl and her roommate. The only thing is the roommate is giving me the 'your off limits' vibe. A little confused I leave at the end of the day satisfied and psyched that we all had such a goodtime.

A few days later I get this unsolicited email from her telling me how in college she had a really bad relationship that left her feeling weak, needy and crazy. She tells me that she really likes me and was really jealous when I was around her roommate but that she just doesn't find a stable relationship very attractive right now. But that if I was somehow less of guy she could fill up some time with a superficial relationship but as it is shes afraid she would get attached and all her insecurities would manifest themselves in weird ways and she would lose me as a friend.

I write her back and tell her that I think shes great but that I don't think my pointing out all the great things I see in her will make a difference in how she feels about herself so I leave it to her to discover on her own. I also said that I would still be excited to spend time together and have fun doing stuff.

Here's where I'm stumped. I really like this girl but from my experience with people with low self-esteem they have to figure that stuff out on their own. No amount of reassurance is good enough. I think keeping it on a casual friendly level is the best plan but I'm nervous about being so attracted to her and vice versa. That said, i find myself keeping my distance a little more than before. Also, when she said no to a date I started seeing someone else too. I'm nervous that if and when she finds out about this other girl she'll freak out and either make a play for me out of jealousy or cuttoff all contact with me. At this point we haven't contacted each other for a few days and I don't feel like I have much to say to someone I like alot but that apparently has too many issues and likes me too much to get involved with me.
What would you guys do?

 

[Fenderules]

"I suck"


"wow you sure are forward about your sex life"

 

[Jariel]

Thanks for the input guys. It always helps to get an objective view and yes, I think I made a mistake telling her I like her, so bluntly. Normally I'd never do that, but it's like she has put me on a pedestal.

She kinos me a lot usually, so it will be interesting to see if she keeps it up after hearing that I like her.

So I've shown her attention and now I need to withdraw it and let her make the next move towards me. Right?

 

[Sweetcheeks]

To euthypro

I think you might just have to take a chance, and give her what might amount to an ultimatum.

I think it's great that you've managed to make her jealous. Jealousy is one of the greatest tools you can use to build an advantage.

Perhaps you should say something to the effect of,

"Well, I'm seriously considering starting a relationship with your room-mate. I mean, she's got a lot of the things I value in a girlfirend, like blah blah blah (build the jealousy a bit). If you're kind of confused, I'm sorry to hear it. But life goes on, and I've got to take care of my own love life (you're not desperate), and I'm having a good time checking things out with a few girls I know (scarcity principle, you've got a life). Listen, I've got a few things to take care of, I'll talk to you."

Or something to that effect.

GTW, I think you've got a very rare opportunity here, because from what I gather, it's hard to move from the friend category back into the hot commodity category.

 

[AMF]

This is a very underhand method of testing you with the side-effect of boosting her ego.

I dont want to hi-jack the thread, but I posted a request for advice last week about a similar situation. I too supplicated unintentionally, when my guard was down (although in a different way.)

I felt like I had undone months of game in one fell swoop. I didnt wait for confirmation - i simply WITHDREW from her. This is the only way to recover lost respect.

And you know what?

The chick, HB9, has crumbled and asked me out. Keep the faith, keep playing the game, no matter how strong the urge to supplicate.

At first, every time I received a message from her, my first reaction was to open up, to tell her this, and tell her that.

The cool thing is - and I guess is the point we should all want to get to (read Pook's "kill that desperation") - but the more times I resisted and thought of something light-hearted instead, the more cool, calm and rational I have become, and now my desire for her is completely under control.

Ive impressed myself because this is someone I fell for, hard, at first sight. Its the hardest thing in the world to resist something we really want, but the hardest things are usually the best things for us.

 

[Euthyphro]

To Jariel & Sweetcheeks

Thanks for the reply SC. I think that your right about having a rare opportunity with this girl. I don't know about the ultimatum though...First, I just don't find being in a relationship with a girl who is likely to be all over the place week to week especially appealing. And secondly, From past experiences I think that if she came to me out of an ultimatum like that it wouldn't last very long once she thought I was committed to her. She'd get bored with being in a decent relationship and go out seeking a more destructive one. I think at this point I'll just keep my distance a little and see if she comes to me on her own and if not maybe the new girl will turn out to be more than i thought she would.

Jariel: I was thinking about your situation too and I think that if you just keep things light and fun and positive that she will see you in that light and no matter what ,you come out on top. Just be patient and do your own thing. Don't make a big deal out of anything she does or says and it won't be one. As long as your still having fun with her continue to do so. When its no longer enjoyable....move on.

 

[Jariel]

I've been thinking over the replies and I realise how right you guys are. I've commented on posts just like this and given similar advice, so I guess I've been a bit blinded by this girl.

Anyway, I'm in a class with this girl on Tuesday and that's where my social proof shines. I can flirt with a lot of women or let them flirt with me and use the jealousy tactic. It would be perfect for making up for my mistake, yet this kind of thing is exactly why she thinks I'm a player.

Should I do it or just stick with being cool?

 

[BLUEox117]

Originally posted by Jariel
I've been thinking over the replies and I realise how right you guys are. I've commented on posts just like this and given similar advice, so I guess I've been a bit blinded by this girl.

Anyway, I'm in a class with this girl on Tuesday and that's where my social proof shines. I can flirt with a lot of women or let them flirt with me and use the jealousy tactic. It would be perfect for making up for my mistake, yet this kind of thing is exactly why she thinks I'm a player.

Should I do it or just stick with being cool?

place less importance on getting her, because theres many woman u can get, so im sayin do it, without caring wether it gets her or not.