Girl kisses her "friend"

[trv26]

Hey guys, I'm in a 2 year long distance relationship. A day or two ago my gf confessed to having kissed a guy.

So here's the story. She says she has feelings for this "friend" of hers. And that recently the guy twice tried to kiss her. She says that, the first time he tried she pushed him away. But i was not told about this incident or the fact that he had a thing for her for a while. The next time he tried was when their group of friends went to a movie. Apparently this time she responded.

She told me all this by herself and asks me to forgive her. I asked her whether she'd be willing to break all contact with this person. I.e. if their group goes out he wont be invited and if he is she isnt allowed to go etc. She agreed and says she'll do anything I ask her as long as I dont break up with her.

So wat do I do? I dont want to break up. But how the hell do I reconcile with her having kissed somone else and admitting to having feelings for someone else?

 

[horaholic]

Dump the hor, and dont ever get in an LDR again. What are you asking here exactly? I hope you dont want us to tell you to give her another chance. You know what to do, so do it.

Or, you can tell her you forgive her, and be single, except when she comes to visit. Keep her as a FB, but tell her she's your GF. Maybe she wont fvck quite as many guys behind your back that way.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I wouldn't worry about it, because, at least, she told you. Ask her if it was a "friendly" kiss, if not, then as horaholic said, "Dump the hor." She was honest with you, and that's a good thing, but Read her body language when you ask her if it was a "friendly" kiss (i.e. so as not to hurt his feelings).

 

[theunflushables]

Ok, she lied to you by keeping it a secret from the first time he tried to kiss her AND she continued to hang out with this guy.

In a normal relationship that is a serious breech of trust. LDR's make it even worse because of the distance. There are no repercussions to her because she doesn't have to worry about you catching her in the act.

Also she really disrespected the two years you gave her.

Leave her.

 

[drak_ool]

LDR can be tricky. In fact i m stuck in one at the moment, luckily only for another month How often do you see this girl/how often do you 2 have sex? Did you guys ever live close to each other or was it an LDR from the start? Do you or her have plans to move closer to each other?

LDRs in my book are highly suspicious because the other person has a lot of room to maneuvre behind your back. I think there s 2 ways to avoid being hurt: 1. keep the relationship open (don't ask/don't tell kinda deal) or 2. choose a quality girl that adores you to the point where you won't have to worry about her cheating.

In your situation, 2. does not apply because your girl didn't kiss a random guy, but she kissed another guy who she "has feelings for." That is the biggest red flag there could possibly be. Can you see where I m going? Your girl tells you she has feelings for another guy, he s been trying to kiss her and actually managed to do it. You dont even have choice here! If you respect yourself you will end it soon. Of, if you can cut yourself emotionally from her, do what the other poster suggested and make your end of the relationship open. But I could see this leading to a lot of trouble...

One last point: do you really believe she only "kissed" this guy? for all you know he could be plowing her 5x a week. For all you know she could have only told you about the kiss to gauge your reaction, to see how you will respond when she tells you about all the things she s been doing behind your back...

Bottom line: if you cannot trust your gf in a LDR 100%, then opt out. You are putting in too much time and effort into your LDR to simply have it all wasted away by a triflin ho'

 

[WC2]

If this were a regular LTR, I'd say it'd be OK to let it go and give her some flack just because she came to YOU and admitted it.

However like the above posters stated, this is a LDR. A LDR requires 100% trust and fidelity and she's crossed the line.

I'm not saying break up with her for good, but she must repent for what she's done. Do you think if you kissed a friend of yours she'd take you back so quickly?

If I were you I'd break things off for a few days to a week and see how things work out. If she's serious about it, then she'll still be begging at your doorstep a week later. If she's not, she will stop bugging you after a few days.

If you allow her back into your life with no price to pay, she will simply just do it again. Hell, she may do it again anyways. But at least she'll think twice next time she's tempted to do it.

 

[dj_china]

second WC2

you can forgive her but make her jump through some hoops first
if she doesn't want to jump then she isn't worth it

 

[trv26]

@ Poonani Maker - It can't have been something she did to not hurt his feelings, since she accepts she does have feelings for him. But I do appreciate the fact she confessed to me. I would have been none the wiser if she hadn't told me.

Ok, she lied to you by keeping it a secret from the first time he tried to kiss her AND she continued to hang out with this guy.

Yes, this is what I find most very hard to understand. Add to that the fact that she knew this guy had feelings for her and she never thought of telling me. Her explanation for why she didn't tell me about his first attempt to kiss her is apparently because she would be worried I might break up with her. And yet she finds herself in a movie theatre next to him a few days later.

@ WC2 - The moment she told me about it I told her I'll make it easy for her and said she should date him instead and turned off my mobile. The next day she kept calling on my landline and kept begging to take her back or at least give her a chance to "explain". She's also said she'd do anything I want of her if I'd give her another chance.

I'm in a bit of a rush so will respond to the what the rest of you said later.

The thing I find most difficult though is her acceptance that she has feelings for him. Firstly because she says she has these feelings in the first place and especially since he works at the same place as her. So although she promises not to have any contact with him or speak to him they are likely to see each other every day.

I can't see how I can accept that. Is her problem simply that she is too honest here?

Do women really only have feelings for their bfs and no one else? Or is it the case that most women somehow manage to hide any feelings they might have for another man and make sure they act on them.

 

[trv26]

Cheating is forgivable if commited by good diver/swimmer?

 

[drak_ool]

The thing I find most difficult though is her acceptance that she has feelings for him

so you re basically saying you are willing to work things out with your long distance gf who just kissed her co-worker (who she sees everyday), who she has feelings for!

interesting... What makes you wanna keep this relationship going?

 

[Nutz]

Ok, she lied to you by keeping it a secret from the first time he tried to kiss her AND she continued to hang out with this guy.

In a normal relationship that is a serious breech of trust. LDR's make it even worse because of the distance. There are no repercussions to her because she doesn't have to worry about you catching her in the act.

Also she really disrespected the two years you gave her.

Leave her.

Agreed on both accounts. She lied and then continued hanging out with the guy. That's not an accident, that's a choice. She deluded herself because she didn't want to take responsibility for her action. Same thing when chicks bang some other guy and say "it just happened" or "I told him I had a boyfriend/husband" as if that somehow absolves them of responsibility. And mark my words that's what may very well happen. At least by her acknowledging it occurred that she feels some level of guilt, so at least that puts her above the 80% worthless hos out there.

 

[trv26]

interesting... What makes you wanna keep this relationship going?

I guess the worry about being alone. She's my first and only gf. Then also is the fact that we've been together with her for 2 years. You cant forget a person u spend so much time with be it talking or hanging out etc.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

The next time he tried was when their group of friends went to a movie. Apparently this time she responded.

It's a test. She didn't kiss the guy. She's probing around to see how much you really like her.

Really, seriously. Just drop the whole thing and never bring it up. It's just another of the tests you'll be facing the rest of your life.

If she makes up some stuff like that again, say something like "that reminds me of a situation I have going on but I know I have a good thing I don't want to mess up" AND DON'T EXPLAIN WHAT/WHY/WHO/WHERE YOU MEAN BY THAT.

She'll stop the "make you jealous to see where your at" stuff if you turn it back right on her but a bit more subtle. Don't get into a war of making her jealous, just shoot off a small twinge of jealousy every time she does it to you and she'll stop.

If she really were doing stuff like that and possibly screwing around I can guarantee that she wouldn't be telling you

 

[Energizer]

If it was me she'd wake up with no hair on her head and a note saying "Jog on Darling".

 

[trv26]

It's a test. She didn't kiss the guy. She's probing around to see how much you really like her.

Yeh that has to be it.

 

[Poonani Maker]

Reward her for being honest and having a conscience. We all sin. Punish her for the sin, but reward her for the honesty.

 

[trv26]

Thanks for the advice guys. I think I'm leanings towards not getting back right now.

@Poonani Maker

U mean short of getting back with her, or do u mean its worth getting back with her after making her jump through a few hoops as others suggested?

Either way, I texted her a little yesterday (I know I'm weak) and she gave me the we need to have time apart line. So I doubt how serious she is about getting back. Add to that the fact she hasn't bothered deleting the guy in question off her fb, even after I told her that if she wants to get back a good start would be to stop contact with him, which I think is totally disrespectful.

I guess the guys who say a break-up is in order are right. We were meant to discuss things today, but I guess that would be a bad idea right?

 

[tafakna]

She's desperate because nobody deals well with losing someone.

The minute you forgive her, she'll lose all her respect for you. She doesn't mean to be tricky, she's acting on her feelings, probably not even knowing that the end result is feeling less attracted to you.

So I'd make things VERY hard for her. Claim to be confused with all that, be unpredictable, dissapear for a while, then call her out of the blue.

If you still want a relationship she needs to feel that she had to work her ass off (no pun intended) to win you back, instead of feeling that you've just forgave her.

Hope it makes sense to you.

 

[trv26]

Lol, isn't it funny that only when you break up you find out wat sort of person you really dated?!

I've been going through my MSN messages, how could I have been so blind!!
This ****s been going on for since early September (at least).

After having gone through the messages, I'm starting to believe she was the one who in fact pursued him, at least for the last three months (I'll put up some excerpts if anyone wants me to after sanitising names etc.).

And the thing about getting back together I believe was only cos I had said to someone I'm going to put up nude pics etc. of her online (Sadly I didn't save any).

Wow, despite being a SoSuave-er for years now (I read posts a lot, even if I don't always post) and being wise in the ways women I still managed to be
given the run-around. Feel really stupid now. With all the hints in our msn convos, the facebook statuses etc.

Couple of examples of facebook statuses
1) X wants something she can't have
2) You're my part-time lover and a full-time friend

Imagine the second one. The cheek of that woman.

Luckily I've been seeing a psychologist, so idk hopefully will ask her for some tips on getting over. Still feel really down though.

 

[Nutz]

I was thinking about how much cheating women do when I was reading a thread on another forum about paternity fraud. A 1999 study that had 280,000 sample rate found the non-paternity to be 30%, which is the common high end that keeps being found by researchers. I think the 10% statistic will eventually be found to be inaccurate, but that's more my opinion on the topic. Anyway, as for cheating, the 10-30% is with regard to pregnancies. Just imagine how much infidelity is actually out there that doesn't result is the woman getting knocked up! 50%? 60%? 80%? Nobody knows, but it's fair to say it's a hell of a lot higher than what we currently know of based on paternity discrepancies.