Girl I've been dating is scared of commitment and wants to be friends?

[Roadking]

Late November 2011:
I meet this girl (18 years old, I'm 20) at work during training and we both hit it off instantly. I ask her out for something to eat and she agrees. We have a really great first date and from there, everything goes perfectly. We continue seeing each other roughly twice a week (she lives a 20 minute drive away).

December 2011:
Up and until mid-December, we continue to have great dates. We even have sex (after 3 weeks of dating and 5th date). Then a week before Christmas, we have an argument over an ex-boyfriend who keeps texting her and she keeps texting back (she was even texting him during our date). When we got back to mine, I told her that I felt uncomfortable with her texting her ex-boyfriend still but then she says I won't ever be able to trust her.

January 2012:
Over the entire Christmas holidays and early January, she rarely speaks to me and is short to the point or always busy. Anyway, we decide to meet up in mid-January and we hit it off as usual. We even chill out at mine and just cuddle and lay about. When she has to go, she sends me a text saying "glad everything is back to usual babes xxxxx".

Anyway, I can tell she has been off with me recently so me, being confused, ask her what's happening and she just ignores me via text. I text her the next day and she seems even more off with me, so I ask her about us and she says the following:

"I liked you a lot more before Christmas. I'm just scared of commitment right now because I've been hurt a lot by guys in the past. I just see you as a friend more right now."

So anyway, I'm not sure what to do. I haven't contacted her for 4 days and not sure if I should text her sooner than later or just give her some space.

Sorry for the long post but in a nut shell, she is scared of commitment because of past relationships where she has gotten hurt and she sees me as a friend, despite seeing me as much more before Christmas.

What should I do?

Should I tell her that I don't want commitment right now as well but just to spend time with her?

Thanks!

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

No fool. You go no contact and charge her ass to the game. She is with the next dude.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Tell her "That's fine" and never contact her again. She's done. She's moved on to someone else. Like the sticky post says, your queen is in the next castle!

 

[Roadking]

The thing is, did I push her? We've only been seeing each other for 2 months and I came across as wanting a relationship with her (even though I just wanted to go on dates with her).

 

[floydb25]

Ah... You pushed for a commitment too soon, and she backed off. You showed signs of jealousy early, which signifies that you're a couple. As well as going on all those dates, and probably acting like a couple overall. Then, you asked her where you stood with her - as a result of her disinterest - which probably killed her attraction even more. She knows she has you, and decides where you stand. This means no challenge; no game; no excitement. All your focus is on her, and she knows it. It's too easy, and too early.

When you ask where you stand too early - the results are never good. You're backing them in a corner; giving them an ultimatum. 9 times out of 10 - they're going to balk, feel pressured, and bail out.

You gave her all the control, and she lost interest - then fed you an atypical line to get out. She's basically saying "it's not you; it's me". If you push her even more, become her friend, follow her mixed signals, and keep asking where you stand - she's going to lose more and more interest, and eventually start hating you / becoming a ***** to get you to leave her alone.

This kind of stuff happens all the time. Becoming her friend, helping her heal, waiting for her to be ready, and all that stuff is the worst possible thing you can do. Her attraction will keep falling, and you'll become her good friend - which she'll say is all you were all along.

Don't make things out to be bigger than they are, see only what you want to see, assume she's keeping you around for potential.... Just move on. Don't accept her friendship - not to win her over, or to be a jerk - but, because its not possible for you to do so. Your mind will be all messed up, mixed messages will be rampant... It's bad news all around.

You're facing an uphill battle, so find someone with high interest, and try not to act too relationshipy too soon. Let things flow naturally, maintain the challenge, let her chase, keep the attraction on high, and she will want a relationship with YOU. No asking or pushing necessary.

Yeah, you might like this girl, but you gotta accept defeat sometimes. It's the nature of the game. You gotta fail in order to learn, adapt, and succeed, but you cannot do it with the same person. It doesn't work. Once their interest is gone - its gone.

Edit: You also should not take their excuses and lines too seriously, and then act upon them. It's just fluff... It means nothing, and you will be wasting time by following them. The only thing that matters is her attraction and interest level towards you. Saying you're just friends - regardless of how, why, when, or where - indicates very low interest. Get out.

 

[st_99]

well roadking bro, you lost the frame big time with her. bottom line, you cared too much. you turned on the 'relationship' vibe and that was your mistake. you went beta. but you're young and have like 100 girls ahead of you so no worries.

what you should have said about the ex texting?

"damn, that guy is going crazy over you, you better call him before he goes nuts and hurts himself"

 

[Roadking]

A lot of opinionated posts here with some clever advice.

Well I see her at work on Saturday. I'll apologise to her for pushing for commitment face to face then I'll just have to get over her, despite really liking her.

She also said she'd love to hang out with me still. So what do you reckon Floyd and co?

 

[floydb25]

She wants to hang out with you as friends, bro. This is where making things out to be bigger than they are is a very bad idea. It's going to happen, and you're gonna get super confused. You don't want to put yourself in a position where this can even occur, so you have to back off.

You both have different intentions, and are going to end up resenting each other if it persists. You don't have to be a jerk about it, or even hate her for not being attracted to you. Just pull away. Seldomly answer texts, don't hang out... She'll get the hint.

One possibility is that she'll become angry and confused, and try pushing for you to go back to how things were. This doesn't mean her romantic interest has raised. Unless she wants to date - you shouldn't go back to her. She might call you a jerk, say you want all or nothing, blah blah... But that's life. It's not always fair. Not for her, or for you - in this situation. **** happens. Can't always get what you want. You are NOT selfish for refusing her friendship when you want more.

 

[Roadking]

So in other words, there's no possibility of ever getting back together with her? And what if I want to be friends with her just so I can see whether or not she develops her interest in me again?

Every time that we meet up, it's so great and she just seems a different person than over text.

 

[floydb25]

I wouldn't count on it. She might be back with her ex, as well. It's suspicious that she lost interest in you as she was talking to him. There is always another guy.

Don't hold out hope for her, but don't be mean or avoid her. Become her acquaintance at best, and don't get lured back in UNLESS she's serious about giving you another chance. Don't take it slow as friends, or focus on the potential. Either you're dating or not. Don't be one of those "it feels like a relationship, but we're not in a relationship" guys. This is being an SO without benefits, and a pseudo-relationship at best. She might even want sex as part of the benefits, but she's not crazy about you anymore. No sparks, chase, or passion. The chance of a relationship with you is very low. Once she finds someone she is crazy about - you'll no longer be important to her.

It's a ***** of a position to be in, but there's really nothing you can do about it when two people have separate intentions in mind. Don't put yourself in the position of being her back-up plan or doormat. She's not your #1 priority, so don't make her yours. You are not being unfair by dating others, either.

This is why you don't become friends with people you're attracted to, and they have a slight bit of interest in you. They become jealous, ****-block you, sabotage your other relationships... They don't want to date you, but don't want you to date anyone else, either. They want you all to themselves. But, this can only happen if you allow it, and put yourself in this position.

 

[nismo-4]

She knows she has you. Don't accept this friendzone prize.

Ask yourself, "If I were upper echelon, would she friendzone me?" F**k no she wouldn't. Same case here. She's with someone else. And it's all because you backed her into a corner. You can't pressure this, or the end result is a case like this.

You are guilty of investing more into her than she was into you. The fine is a one-way pass to Justafriend, Oklahoma.

Go no contact. And realize that your princess is in another castle. So move on. For your own good. Court's orders.

Case closed.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Might not even be that she's with someone else.. But she could just be scared of the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing and want to just wh0re around with her friends and party for a bit. All girls are like that at that age. Just be glad you got it in before that bvllsh1t lol.

Honestly man.. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I always wanted a GF in my AFC days, and now.. I'm so fvcking happy I don't have one.

In your 20's...
-women are in their prime physical shape
-you're young, can stay out, have not too much responsibility (depending on circumstances)
-all your friends party Im sure and they're not tied down with other BS.

fvcking kicks ass! just go live it up and forget about this chick dude. There's soooooo many fish and you only have one fishing rod! Catch them (fvck them) and cast back out! Eventually you'll find that one great catch and the settling feeling will be mutual.

This is the way I see it anyways.