Girl Interest Level Down or Outside Factor?

[eyedogg]

Hi All,

I wanted to ask your advice on how to proceed with a female I've starting seeing. I want to thank you in advance for taking time to see if you can provide some advice.

I have been seeing this girl on Friday nights for the past 5 Friday's and then last Wed (week ago) for a concert. This was the last time I have seen her.

Here are the details and my questions:

I approached her at the grocery store about 5 weeks ago. She flirted a bit, however she seemed very shy. I asked her for her ph# and waited a week to call her. When I finally did call her, I left a VM and she called me back the next day. I asked if she wanted to go on a date and we did (forgot what we did). In getting to know her, here are her details:

She just broke up with her LTR/Baby daddy only about 4 months ago. She has a 6yr old boy from the guy. She is 29 and mature/responsible mom which I respect. I didn't ask to much personal stuff about her right away and she did NOT ask me hardly anything personal which made me being "mysterious" a lot easier.

My confidence level has increased over the past few months (and posts on sosauve) so I wanted to come across as confident and sexy, which I believe I did because she wanted to jump in the sack that first date - which we did and she is HOT in bed. We have been screwing every time we see each other. She tells me that her ex BF/BD (BD = baby daddy) was a controlling ass clown and she did not have much of a social life. She had to get permission to do little things Now, I have been around a bunch of chix that liked being *******s, however I have never been with one that put up with it possibly to this degree. The only effects I see from it are that she is shy and seems to need my approval for things and apologizing for little things. Now, I don't mind that behavior at all, it's actually (not sure if this is good or not), refreshing...She seems to look at me as dominant already.

So here is where I am asking for advice - I can tell she likes me cause she shows it and tells me. She is sexually attracted to me like crazy, shows and tells me this too. She works 5 days a week like me and has here kid in school and then with her Mon- Fri, except Friday nights when he is with Dad. That is when she has been spending the night. So I am thinking now how do I approach this as I don't want a "girlfriend" and I don't want her to begin to see us as just screw buddies, and I don't want her to think that we are "just taking it slow" either. I want to date other women and I am not overly worried about letting her know if I do date other women. I just am not sure how to take it from here.

So after last Wed, I called her on Friday afternoon to see if she was going to able to hang out. She was short and curt and said she was not sure, but she would let me know if it happened. I said "cool let me know" and no call from her that night. Something seemed forced on her end like she was under pressure to not hang out. I recall one convo we had where she mentioned she was rather her ex NOT know about her and I cause it would only make things hard on her. So I was like "cool", I don’t know the guy or how to get hold of him so no worries. That and her mentioning "she was starting to like me" were the only two things that stood out to me as to why she has not made an effort to contact me since last Wed (I called her last Friday). Now, I am not desperate or in a rush for anything - just looking for advice or opinions on how to deal with the situation as things were going good.

Regards,

E.D.

 

[Interceptor]

dogg,
you sound like you're making an emotional investment here. But your intent is to not be with this one woman.
So you're having conflicts.
You care abou t her, but you don't want to be exclusive with her.
You don;t want to hurt her feelings, becasue she shows caring and has certain traits you appreciate. She has value for you.

But you have no reason to feel remorse or gulit for wanting to date other women.
What's happening here is your programming is kicking in.
SO you are feeling a little hesitant to do what is natural to men. Andyou are feeling attached as well, so you don';t feel comfotable "straying" when you are already seeing her.
You're probable not too used to juggling several women. That's fine. A lot of guys odn't. You will leanr. And you'll realize it's not that hard.

Don't feel guilty becasue you're sexing her.
She is gettign somethign out of it too.

Your time and peac of mind, your emotions and resources are all valueable...always maintain the perspective on NOT wasting it on those not worthy of it.

You have not clearly expressed your intent early on.

She just naturally assumed you and she would be exclusive.

SHe is probably used to that behavior in men.
I like you, you like me=we're together as a couple.

(btw read this: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=128608)

Your slip up was that you got too carried away and didn't want to "lose her" or jeopardize the relationship so you played it straight. the "classic' way.
But you should have let your intentions be known from the firsts tart of your interactions.
"I ike meeting new people.I love women, you know. And I love female companionship. Dating has been very fun for me lately! I have had a lot of great experiences with women, especially recently. The other day I was with this gorgeous red head that blah blah blah..."

All these examples are details that let her know that you are looking to "date", not pursue her as a GF or marriage. You're not 'courting" her. This is SO important.
COURTING
(you 'court' women whom you DO WANT exclusivity and are seriously considering marriageedit; let me further explain. COURTING is NOT the ideal manner of "pursuing" a woman we truly want. However, there shoudl be an internal decision made that you want exclusivity with this woman, and are willing to forego other opportunities to be with this one woman. In other words "Im done with other women , this one is too valueable for me to let her go."However, as a general rule, you do not want to court in a classic sense. You do not want to ever be seen as a provisioner, or a walking wallet. Do not court in a traditional manner, ever. Those days are gone, fellas. In fact, try to instill a new version of courting, one that actually makes you be the one chased to a degree. This is expressed from internal to the external, not demonstrating materila gifts to a woman. Those gifts for the most part have nothing to do with attraction. Flowers do NOT make a woman want to go to bed with you, or think you're 'hot' and sexy. They don;'t . Never have and never will. Never be seen as a provisioner or really a provider, in a pure sense. We're men, we provide a woman several things other than money. When you court, you place what you have to offer to a woman, when you dont you will present YOURSELF as what is good for her to have. See the difference?)
)

But it takes balls....it takes the ability to let her GO.
You cannot be a slave to the pvssy and let your inner direction and desire get AWAY from you.
If she wants exclusivity and YOU DON"T you have to be WILLING TO WALK AWAY.

You didn't. And now you're in this situaiton.

You didn't set the 'frame' early on.

A lot of women "mark' you with their Sex.
Meaning, they brand you as their "man" once they give it up to you. They now expect your exclusivity becasue she gave you somethign so precious.
But don't give in to that frame if you dont want to.
Now you have to do some back tracking.
This will be tough.
She may start to get the "used" feeling, and probably pull away from you. "Buyer's remorse." they call it.
Only becsuse you may make her feel 'cheap'.

She will guilt you, and feel that you're a 'player' or whatever,. Watch out for her 'flipping the script' on you, and making yiou the bad guy.
Youre not a bad guy, you just werent UPFRONT, dogg brother.

Now you have feelings, and she's got you with the pvssy.
Now you have that inner conflict.

She is pulling back now becasue of several factors, one is she is feeling guilty of giving in to her sexuality too early, now she knows she;s got you hooked, but she doesnt know wht you think of her.
"Does he still respect me? Or does he think of me as a steady supply of ass?"

Also, the ex may have mmore influence onher than you may realize.

Since AFAIK you both have NOT had 'the talk'.
You are still not bound to ANY rules or regulations to being exclusive with her.

If she cuts contact with yuo, this is not bad. You had your fun, cut your losses.
Go and find other women. You do not have to get a GF once you have regained your confidence and start on the true DJ path.
The biggest mistake a lot of AFCs do is once they "get it' they go out and instantly try to get a GF without giving thought to waht theyr;re doing.
All seduction gurus always advocate NOT getting into ANY relationship after the enlightenment phase has just started. it's too early.
My advice go looking for more women.
If your girl is not available, there is NOTHING HOLDING YOU DOWN or STOPPING you.
Sarge on.

 

[eyedogg]

dogg,
you sound like you're making an emotional investment here. But your intent is to not be with this one woman.
So you're having conflicts.
You care abou t her, but you don't want to be exclusive with her.
You don;t want to hurt her feelings, becasue she shows caring and has certain traits you appreciate. She has value for you.

Inter - you are more then likely right on with this..what wierd is that I did not realize that I cared for her..I think I care "just a little" versus "oneitis caring". However, good feedback as I do think she has some value for me from what you mention below - not setting the frame and old programming.

But you have no reason to feel remorse or gulit for wanting to date other women.
What's happening here is your programming is kicking in.
SO you are feeling a little hesitant to do what is natural to men. Andyou are feeling attached as well, so you don';t feel comfotable "straying" when you are already seeing her.
You're probable not too used to juggling several women. That's fine. A lot of guys odn't. You will leanr. And you'll realize it's not that hard.

I am new to juggling women - its been sometime (over 10+ years).

Don't feel guilty becasue you're sexing her.
She is gettign somethign out of it too.

Damn right she did - crazy sex wants from her and she verbally and physically let me know how much she enjoyed my steez in bed.

Your time and peace of mind, your emotions and resources are all valueable...always maintain the perspective on NOT wasting it on those not worthy of it.

You have not clearly expressed your intent early on.

She just naturally assumed you and she would be exclusive.

I think you are spot on here.

SHe is probably used to that behavior in men.
I like you, you like me=we're together as a couple.

(btw read this: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=128608).

Will read - thanks.

Your slip up was that you got too carried away and didn't want to "lose her" or jeopardize the relationship so you played it straight. the "classic' way.
But you should have let your intentions be known from the firsts tart of your interactions.
"I ike meeting new people.I love women, you know. And I love female companionship. Dating has been very fun for me lately! I have had a lot of great experiences with women, especially recently. The other day I was with this gorgeous red head that blah blah blah..."

Right again - I did not do this early on.

But it takes balls....it takes the ability to let her GO.
You cannot be a slave to the pvssy and let your inner direction and desire get AWAY from you.
If she wants exclusivity and YOU DON"T you have to be WILLING TO WALK AWAY.

I am willing !

A lot of women "mark' you with their Sex.
Meaning, they brand you as their "man" once they give it up to you. They now expect your exclusivity becasue she gave you somethign so precious.
But don't give in to that frame if you dont want to.
Now you have to do some back tracking.
This will be tough.
She may start to get the "used" feeling, and probably pull away from you. "Buyer's remorse." they call it.
Only becsuse you may make her feel 'cheap'.

I think I may have done this - any advice on re-setting the frame and not making her feel used or cheap?

Now you have feelings, and she's got you with the pvssy.
Now you have that inner conflict.

Not a whole bunch of conflict really - so changing the frame if she contacts me is key correct?

 

[joekerr31]

So after last Wed, I called her on Friday afternoon to see if she was going to able to hang out. She was short and curt and said she was not sure, but she would let me know if it happened. I said "cool let me know" and no call from her that night. Something seemed forced on her end like she was under pressure to not hang out.

this is the only thing that matters to me in your post, for two reasons.

1) she is either sh*t testing you or her interest level in you is low. its one of the two. trust me, if this chic was over the moon for you, she wouldn't not call and risk upsetting you. unless of course she is playing hard to get (ie. trying to make herself the prize and get you to chase after her for it).

2) you are VERY close to slipping in to captain save a ho mode. 'something seemed forced on her end..." DUDE, WTF. number one rule in dating women is that you DO NOT assume anything, you DO NOT give them free passes for no reason, etc.

when you find yourself having to make 'assumptions' in order to excuse teh way a woman is behaving, you are now in AFC thinking territory.

 

[joekerr31]

oh my advice is to just ignore her and date other women.

if she calls you up and wants to go out, go out. if you want it to be casual then treat it like its casual.

right now you are not treating it like something casual. you're thinking way to much about it.

 

[eyedogg]

Joker - I think you are right about the two options. I am just not sure whether its a **** test or low interest or her being the prize? Not bothering to investigate and find out.

Also, thanks for pointing out two things I did not clearly see. 1st - assuming anything..and playing capt save a ho. I am working on assuming less and less about peeps period, especially women. From work to friends, to women, this is getting easier for me to see when I am close to doing that and avoiding that behavior.

The 2nd is thinking about it to much. This I do for EVERYTHING and it is more challenging to stop this. Having this pointed out and how it had a neg effect on this situation was helpful. thanks!

 

[Interceptor]

dogg, make sure you read joekerr's posts too.
Take that into consideration.
You do not want to go into "over analyzing" mode here, or with any woman ever.
"what is she thinking?"how will she react?'
A little is good. Really. But too much and you start regressing, and losing confidence.
Not good.
And never ever go in to the "But I want to help her" capt save a ho mode.
just reiterating here.

any advice on re-setting the frame and not making her feel used or cheap?

This will have to be very elegant on your part.
Because usually, the most powerful but perhaps weakening move is to reassure her that you're monogamous and are only interested in her, and not only sex yada yada 'Oh , honey, you kow I respect you,dear! I would never do that to you, snookums! I'm not one of those horrible "players", they are ghastly! I will be with you FOREVER!!"

C'mon..

You give up too much power and self respect.
So you need to move slowly on this one.
Bacially, you have to let her know that you enjoy her company, she's a sexy lady, you do like her, but you never mentioned any exclusivity, and make her realzie that NEITHER DID SHE. She will try to flip it around.
She will try to avoid any responsibility, dont let her get off the hook either.
But assume responsibility and take it like a Man.


Just be calm and relaxed as if nothing serioius is happening, and you re not afraid to lose her.
If she goes nuts, you stay even clamer and collected.

"babe, you know I like you, but I want to date other women too. If you feel uncomfortable with that, then maybe we should just take a break, becasue you don't seem ready or willing to be with me like that."
Just be cool, warm, sincere..no need to be an ass.
Do not give in to her frame or the drama.

so changing the frame if she contacts me is key correct?

yes, but be very measured and controlled. Do not introduce it all at once. Unless you absolutely have to. Don't ever be in a rush, or an "Im going to lose her! OMG!" mode.

 

[eyedogg]

Thanks again Inter & joker! Much appreciated. I will update this post if anything happens. In the mean time, I am just workiing on myself (gym, books, work, etc)