Girl depressed because of me + now I feel guilty

[Jariel]

I became very close with a female friend a few months ago, there was a lot of chemistry and tension between us, we made out one night and went on a date. The date didn't go well, however, and she LJBFd me. I told her I was willing to try again, but she insisted she just wanted to be friends.

I moved on (of course!!), spent less time with her and started dating other women. She kept moaning to everyone that I was neglecting her "as a friend" and kept asking me why I was avoiding her etc. I told her I'm not, I've just been busy and will catch up with her in the future....that sort of thing.

We met up a few times, but I treated her only as a friend - no flirting, no attention.

Then my friend let it slip that I was dating someone else. She told everyone she was happy for me and glad I wasn't hung up on her, but my friend said she got really drunk and upset that night.

Since then she's been quite depressed, talks a lot about me to her friends. They seem to think she only rejected me because she felt she was not good enough (she's very insecure). That's just speculation, yet she has recently developed a crush on a TV actor and has a big poster of him on her wall. No big deal, except people tell me I look a lot like him.

Anyway, I do like this girl a lot so I asked her again if she wanted to give things another go. Yet again she LJBFd me. So I figured if she has a problem with me not being around or dating other women, why should I give a damn? I'm not going to be there just to make her feel better and give her attention.

I wouldn't say I've acted like a jerk as such, but I have been very cool and indifferent with her. If she asks me to meet up I tell her I already have plans. I don't call or text her at all any more. If we go out as a group, I will leave when I want to instead of staying out late with her. She called me one night after I left and accused me of not caring about her. I basically told her I care about her as much as my other mates. She went on how she thought we were closer and good friends, then tried to start an argument, but I cut it short.

A week later, she got drunk and called me up at 2am. She was whining about how I must hate her and don't care about her etc, but I cut it short again and told her we'd talk another time. She called me back an hour later, started apologising, then tried to turn it into a guilt trip and another argument, which I cut short again.

I got quite annoyed by it and decided to cut her off completely. Her friends have been trying to get us talking again and I told them outright I've had enough, I don't want the drama and guilt and don't want to see her again.

The problem is I do have a conscience and (despite what I've said) I do care about her a lot. I'm hearing that she's very depressed over the situation, her studies are slipping and she's drinking more. It's more beneficial to me if I just forget about it and leave her to deal with it. I am dating someone now, have plenty of friends and don't need the hassle. Yet she is a fantastic person and one of the most compassionate and sweetest girls I've ever met. Just cos she LJBFd me doesn't change that and I feel partly responsible for playing mind games with her.

Any objective advice or comments on this situation would be welcome.

 

[Bill]

A woman turned AFC...
"Isn't that great?", said Saddy Dumpington.

She's desperate, she sees you happy with other people than her and resent you for it. You may have a conscience, and while there is nothing wrong with that, you need to realize that your time is worth more than that. She proved she could not only be whiny, clingy and jealous, but she also sinks in alcohol when trouble arises.

Keep her outside your life, you made a GREAT move by moving on. Keep dating, having fun and living your life.

This is a great example in showing just how desperate people (ie AFCs) act when they lose it. If you were a woman, would you like to see a guy behave like that with you? guessed not.
Peace.

-Bill

 

[fyrefly]

i bought the last pair of pants today from a store that was on hold for a guy who was supposed to come in and buy em yesterday, he's gonna be depressed when he realises i have his pants but do i care....................


























..what do you reckon?

 

[Swoop]

Jariel, you are not responsible for her misery, she is. But having guilt shows you are a good person.

 

[Centaurion]

Misery loves company. She only wants to drag you into her sh*t.

You gave her two chances, which she blew. You've done enough for her. Forget about that b*tch, she sounds like a drama-wh*re.

 

[The_Next_Big_Thing]

Low self-esteem women

LSE women sabatogue themselves.

This is what this woman did. She hit a road block and if she handled it well then she would have been worth going at another try (not desparation but persistence. Most people next to early in my opinion) but she was an idiot in how she handled it.

First, she went into getting drunk and then she only talks about you all the time.

She has to realize that she lost her great catch and move on. Hopefully she will. I know that I moved on with my own oneitis and I'm sure many have so it isn't impossible. good luck.

if you want to give a third try go for it. No one is stopping you but I suggest that you go out and meet other women.

BTW if you really want to be funny. Next time you go out. Just tell "I love you like a sister." That will get her because it is worse then an LJBF

The_Next_Big_Thing

 

[DoubleJuan]

haha love you like a sister how evil!

no offense mate

but the problem is not just her it is you jariel. sorry to say but deep down you still dont have the dj principles fully integrained. LSE people attract each other...so this is sad. not saying you are LSE man but i have the feeling that you want to flip back to being LSE sometimes. see, theoretical this stuff is so fvcking easy: first you have to know what YOU want. please no more playing cool and indifferent. you are acting cool and want to keep options open. but imo this is not what a DJ would do. you gotta live by strong principles man. so it's either you want her as a friend or you want her as a lover. there is no such thing as keeping options open. keeping options open int THIS CASE is either you not knowing what you want or you being afraid to go for what you want. if you would have lived by these strong principles from the start then you would never be in the situation you are now. i only want to help man.....i know exactly how tough that **** is =/. but i see it all the time, people wanting to appear cool and indifferent when they really ARE NOT. for me there is no such thing anymore as a "2nd best". it's either what i want or im out. of course you have plenty of success and are a DJ in many ways but still you seem to prevent yourself from getting your stuff complety together despite better knowing.

I told her I was willing to try again, but she insisted she just wanted to be friends. moved on (of course!!), spent less time with her and started dating other women.

what do you mean with you moved on?you obviously did not because else the story would have ended here. and what do you mean with you spent LESS time with her? when you move on it means you are moving on and not keeping her as a friend around you.

 

[ScrewIt]

Well look on the bright side, at least you've still got your humanity left and feel guilt.

However, none of this is your fault it was hers. She blew you off and being all dramatic just cause she has issues. If she wont talk about it logically like a human being instead of getting mad about the topic, then she isnt worth your time.

Perhaps you should reflect on the previous post you made about how girls sabotage their chances by LJBF a guy.

 

[Jariel]

Ok, so I guess the consensus is to leave her to deal with her own problems. Probably best to cut off the friendship too as I don't feel we can genuinely be just friends.

I really do like that sister line - very cruel (yet effective), but I feel like I've played with her head enough.


DoubleJaun:

No offence taken - you are right about a lot of things. I moved on in so much that I dated other women, but in truth I have acted cold with her to try and turn the tables and a little out of resentment too.

I also confess I get very drawn towards low self-esteem women, like damsels in distress and this never works out well for me.

The worst part is I'm seeing a wonderful and attractive girl right now, who gives me no hassle at all, yet I'm still being drawn into this LSE girl's drama.

Unfortunately she is a close friend's sister, so it's hard to keep her out of my life completely without losing other friends.

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by ScrewIt
Perhaps you should reflect on the previous post you made about how girls sabotage their chances by LJBF a guy.

Well this is the girl that inspired that post, but I've dealt with so many and never found out how to get round it.

You are right tho, her problems are her own doing, not mine and I can't take responsibility for her decisions and consequences. I feel better knowing that at least.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Originally posted by DoubleJuan
haha love you like a sister how evil!

no offense mate

but the problem is not just her it is you jariel. sorry to say but deep down you still dont have the dj principles fully integrained. LSE people attract each other...so this is sad. not saying you are LSE man but i have the feeling that you want to flip back to being LSE sometimes. see, theoretical this stuff is so fvcking easy: first you have to know what YOU want. please no more playing cool and indifferent. you are acting cool and want to keep options open. but imo this is not what a DJ would do. you gotta live by strong principles man. so it's either you want her as a friend or you want her as a lover. there is no such thing as keeping options open. keeping options open int THIS CASE is either you not knowing what you want or you being afraid to go for what you want. if you would have lived by these strong principles from the start then you would never be in the situation you are now. i only want to help man.....i know exactly how tough that **** is =/. but i see it all the time, people wanting to appear cool and indifferent when they really ARE NOT. for me there is no such thing anymore as a "2nd best". it's either what i want or im out. of course you have plenty of success and are a DJ in many ways but still you seem to prevent yourself from getting your stuff complety together despite better knowing.

what do you mean with you moved on?you obviously did not because else the story would have ended here. and what do you mean with you spent LESS time with her? when you move on it means you are moving on and not keeping her as a friend around you.

I second that.

From what I know, "keeping options open" does either mean "placing people on the back burner" (a.k.a stringing someone alone) or "an inability to accept rejection from or to reject someone".

A Dj needs to set boundaries, to know what he wants and to know when to say "yes" or "no". When you put people on the back burner you are "having your cake and eating it too". The poor rebound girl will be stuck with him giving all her attention and getting nothing in return. Does this pattern seem familiar to some of you?

Anyway, we must realize that we are seeing just one side of the coin. That's how Jariel see things, we will never know what really happened unless we were there.

 

[thefonz]

Hey Jariel, I know this situation all too well......I spent all of 2004 in a depression because my regret over nexting a girl in a very harsh way. The situations were a little different but I think the solutions are very similiar

You need to plan out, or write down everything that needs to be said to 'clear the air' with this girl in an intervention style meet up. Prepare for everything you think she may throw back at you and have a response ready. It may take you an hour or 2 to prepare. It sounds like you already know alot about the situation and I think you have enough information and personal experience to conduct this meeting with her. Let nothing go unsaid. Go into it with a set purpose and expected outcome and don't stray from it. Be aware the possiblity that she will throw out lies to try to keep you in her life, if you suspect she is lying to you then rephrase what she said to you back to her and question it. Don't let her emotions blind you from your objective but at the same time don't be an emotional robot.

Once you've done all YOU can do to fix the situation you will have no anger, regret, or doubts because you will know everything that could be done, has been done.........

Edit: All girls have the ability to make men depressed when they don't get attention......but that's only if you allow that to happen

 

[Skydiver43127]

In your place I'd chose between three options:

1. You still want to date her (I wouldn't do it in your place - it will be a messy relationship)
Play hot-cold, not only cold. Play cold most of the time, but occasionally, when she is really down hug her (as a friend) and comfort her with words. If you are right and she is attracted to you due to your cold behaviour, this will serve to bring her out of her shell.
Remember to keep the cold behaviour up most of the time.

2. You want her as a friend (for now)
Do exactly the same, but be nice to her half the time, and cold the other half. She will still stay attracted to you, but only enough to stick around.

3. You want nothing to do with her, but need a clean concience:
Drop the cold act altogether, arrange a few last AFC-style meetings with her, on her terms, then tell her either the truth or some confidence-sthrenghtening BS on why you can't hang out. That's absolutely the most you can do for her - if she is still obsessed with you after that, then she has really major mental problems.

P.S. I agree that "This is her problem" is a right mindset, but it's always a good thing to keep the problems around you to a minimum, if it's not too much trouble. A girl holding a grudge against you can get really nasty.

 

[Mr Spitfire]

SHE LOVES YOU.

I run into this myself. I get LJBFd by less than knockout girls and they go crazy when I ignore them.

I insist that a woman take risk and not play risk free romance. It isnt fair.

 

[Mr Spitfire]

She needs you to be nicer to her and show her more affection. She knows you have it and you won't give it. Thats why she is going crazy.

You are being rough on her I think but when a girl gets your love and still plays LJBF its her problem.

 

[comic_relief]

Originally posted by Mr Spitfire
You are being rough on her I think but when a girl gets your love and still plays LJBF its her problem.

I had a sort of problem when I was looking back on the beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend. She thought that since I was a "Player" that I would just go out with her until I got what I wanted and then dump her for another girl. I had to assure her that I wouldn't do that. She even called the card that when I broke up with Allison that I would go after the next girl.

I was like fawk no. If I get into a LTR with you. Thats it, not anymore women unless we break up. Thats it. She took it to heart and now we have been together for a long time in a LDR.

Personally I love it.

BTW this girl is a knockout that I am dating a 9 out of 10 (two of my friends said that)

comic_relief

 

[DJDamage]

Another reason why women make lousy friends.

Even if you are not in a relationship with them, some of them expect you to drop everything and be the type of guy who acts "like a boyfriend" but doesn't get to touch them. They want to be selfish and have their cake and eat it too without considering your feelings. The fact that she rejected your offer time and time again but she wants to see you under HER TERMS, is not right.

As soon as those girls meet a guy who they want a relationship with, you are out of the picture like you never existed. She won't care anymore about you when she has a guy in her life SHE REALLY LIKES.

So don't feel bad it, this is how the game works.

DjDamage

 

[lebRambo]

Originally posted by fyrefly
i bought the last pair of pants today from a store that was on hold for a guy who was supposed to come in and buy em yesterday, he's gonna be depressed when he realises i have his pants but do i care....................

lmao! :crackup:

dude, its not quite the same thing

 

[backbreaker]

Originally posted by Mr Spitfire
SHE LOVES YOU.

I run into this myself. I get LJBFd by less than knockout girls and they go crazy when I ignore them.

I insist that a woman take risk and not play risk free romance. It isnt fair.

she doesn't LOVE you, she probably doesn't even LIKE you... she wants you because she can't have you.

It's a good chance that if she HAD you, she wouldn't want you anymore.

I mean, what else has changed in you that makes her head over heels for you in the last couple of months now that she is taken?

You did the right thing, and keep the game up, because at this point, all it is, it's just a game. You could probably even date her for a month or so, but I assure you the second she "has you" the game is over and you will be left wondering what in the hell happened.

This is the type of girl you string along and sex from time to time, not the type you take seriously.

 

[sapphire]

Originally posted by backbreaker
she doesn't LOVE you, she probably doesn't even LIKE you... she wants you because she can't have you.

It's a good chance that if she HAD you, she wouldn't want you anymore.

I mean, what else has changed in you that makes her head over heels for you in the last couple of months now that she is taken?

You did the right thing, and keep the game up, because at this point, all it is, it's just a game. You could probably even date her for a month or so, but I assure you the second she "has you" the game is over and you will be left wondering what in the hell happened.

This is the type of girl you string along and sex from time to time, not the type you take seriously.

I agree with Backbreaker and DJDamage.

All of this she really likes you but is afraid to date you is in my opinion a bunch of balogne.

This goes back to what the great Anti-Dump said that if a girl likes you she'll makes things easy not difficult. I have dealt with these so called LSE girls before and the minute they meet a guy they really like they'll drop you like a hot potato and all the drama just disappears.

Her ego is damaged because you are seeing other girls and she can't stand the fact that she has no power. That is what is driving her crazy not because she likes you. The minute she gets back the power by her having you, I can almost guarantee that her interest in you would plummet like rock. I will bet that this chick is an AW.

You see it is about her not you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Namely, she wants your attention without the intimacy that goes with a normal bf/gf relationship. Why? Maybe she already has someone else who is not giving her enough attention and you are playing the part of the pseudo bf who does or maybe she has serious issues. Who knows. But I would forget about her and ignore the drama she is giving you and find someone who really likes you.

Like AD said, protect your heart because at the end of the day it is your heart that really cares about you.