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Ghosted by a "friend"

xplt

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I have to vent a little bit and hope to hear some of your thoughts about a buddy that ghosted me out of nowhere.

We were like brothers for the last 13-14 years. But since he became father for the second time last year at the end of spring, he went silent on me for no obvious reason.

The night before he became father we were drinking a beer via videochat because we were bored in lockdown. As we hung up he said he will tell me when his daughter is on her way.
Five days later i ran into his brother in law and I learned through him, that his daughter was born that same night. I called, congratulated, we had a short chat and when I asked when I will meet his newborn daughter. Due to Covid they didn't want to receive visitors for the first weeks, but he promised to make a call when it's safe to come over again.
Three, four weeks passed and I didn't hear anything, so I called again asking if everything is ok. He told me he's in a rush and will call me later. And I never heard from him again.

After he left me standing three times in a row, I didn't think much about it and just assumed he had stress, due to the newborn and made it up to him to reach out again. No big deal till here, but he never reached out again.

In autumn his girlfriend contacted me and asked how I'm doing and when I will come around. His girlfriend told me, he reached out to me several times but without success (He didn't or he had a wrong number, which I doubt). I made plans with her for the following week. Two hours before we were supposed to meet up I called her, asking if I can bring something. She then told me that my buddy just went into bed with fever, so I said "no problem, greet him and take care of him, we meet up when he's fine again".

I felt months before, that something's off. I haven't heard since. I reached out on his birthday in january, no response - my gut told me no, but I had to.

This is new to me and never happened before with a friend. With an ex, ok. But with a buddy!? I'm thinking hard about what happened. I just don't have any reason to blame myself and it's confusing as ****.

I just wanted to make one last effort and wrote something like "Hey. Haven't heard from you in a while and I begin to fell like a crazy ex girlfriend when I want to reach out. If I have done anything wrong, you can tell me after we know each other for nearly 15 years." Heard nothing.
This situation stings hard in me. I convinced myself to brush my ego beside, even I had a bad feeling and just wanted to leave him in the same silence he's giving me.

He's kind of a controlling and self-opinionated personality, but he never was in our friendship.

Has anybody similar experiences? I've a hard time accepting this and I'm ****ing angry about this kind of treatment. All I can do is making assumptions about his behavior, but I don't want to.
 

Kotaix

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I would ask the girlfriend what's up since you can't communicate with him. Use the excuse of the fever to break the ice regarding his lack of contact, ask if he has health problems or something of the like since he's not communicating with you
 

Machine10033

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If your friend is an introvert with avoidant personality disorder this is common. He might be avoiding you because he doesn’t want to deal with the confrontation that will arise when he finally sees you. If you want to maintain the friendship I would reach out and send a text saying something like “ hey man, life gets hectic but im still here for you.... when your ready hit me up... would love to catch up”. Leave it at that....
 

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Clamslammer

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I have to vent a little bit and hope to hear some of your thoughts about a buddy that ghosted me out of nowhere.

We were like brothers for the last 13-14 years. But since he became father for the second time last year at the end of spring, he went silent on me for no obvious reason.

The night before he became father we were drinking a beer via videochat because we were bored in lockdown. As we hung up he said he will tell me when his daughter is on her way.
Five days later i ran into his brother in law and I learned through him, that his daughter was born that same night. I called, congratulated, we had a short chat and when I asked when I will meet his newborn daughter. Due to Covid they didn't want to receive visitors for the first weeks, but he promised to make a call when it's safe to come over again.
Three, four weeks passed and I didn't hear anything, so I called again asking if everything is ok. He told me he's in a rush and will call me later. And I never heard from him again.

After he left me standing three times in a row, I didn't think much about it and just assumed he had stress, due to the newborn and made it up to him to reach out again. No big deal till here, but he never reached out again.

In autumn his girlfriend contacted me and asked how I'm doing and when I will come around. His girlfriend told me, he reached out to me several times but without success (He didn't or he had a wrong number, which I doubt). I made plans with her for the following week. Two hours before we were supposed to meet up I called her, asking if I can bring something. She then told me that my buddy just went into bed with fever, so I said "no problem, greet him and take care of him, we meet up when he's fine again".

I felt months before, that something's off. I haven't heard since. I reached out on his birthday in january, no response - my gut told me no, but I had to.

This is new to me and never happened before with a friend. With an ex, ok. But with a buddy!? I'm thinking hard about what happened. I just don't have any reason to blame myself and it's confusing as ****.

I just wanted to make one last effort and wrote something like "Hey. Haven't heard from you in a while and I begin to fell like a crazy ex girlfriend when I want to reach out. If I have done anything wrong, you can tell me after we know each other for nearly 15 years." Heard nothing.
This situation stings hard in me. I convinced myself to brush my ego beside, even I had a bad feeling and just wanted to leave him in the same silence he's giving me.

He's kind of a controlling and self-opinionated personality, but he never was in our friendship.

Has anybody similar experiences? I've a hard time accepting this and I'm ****ing angry about this kind of treatment. All I can do is making assumptions about his behavior, but I don't want to.
He has two kids and is married probably to a controlling crazy wife. He is probably emotionally and physically drained from dealing with the day to day crap he has to deal with so he probably just became a hermit. Unless you said something or did something offensive there is nothing you can do right now. Peoples lives change and you just have to adapt. Move on with life and if he reaches out great, meet up and don't have any drama and just hang out like the old times
 

xplt

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Thanks for all your replies! I've already thought about what you all wrote in the last days and weeks.

It's hard, but I left the door open in my last message and expressed my concerns. I won't push further for now. If he really ignores me, I will perhaps reach out to his girlfriend or just accept the situation for what it is. I know him well enough to know, that he's aware of what he's doing. I can't think of anything I've done to deserve silence. If he's just stressed, ok - but even then he should have found a minute in nine months to communicate this.

This is much harder for me compared to losing a woman.
 

xplt

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If your friend is an introvert with avoidant personality disorder this is common. He might be avoiding you because he doesn’t want to deal with the confrontation that will arise when he finally sees you. If you want to maintain the friendship I would reach out and send a text saying something like “ hey man, life gets hectic but im still here for you.... when your ready hit me up... would love to catch up”. Leave it at that....
Reflecting past situations between him and his brother in law or coworkers i.e. this could be truly possible

He has two kids and is married probably to a controlling crazy wife. He is probably emotionally and physically drained from dealing with the day to day crap he has to deal with so he probably just became a hermit. Unless you said something or did something offensive there is nothing you can do right now. Peoples lives change and you just have to adapt. Move on with life and if he reaches out great, meet up and don't have any drama and just hang out like the old times
He sleeps on the couch since his first daughter was born and looks like a zombie. I already offered him assistance or a weekend/trip together, so he sees something different
 

ThisIsSparta

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Had this happen to me, just the other way around.

I had this friend (10year older then me, wife, 2 kids) for 15 years and at one point he went ghost. For about 10 years we had 4-5 days a week contact via email or phone, had meetups and overnight stays.
This got a lot less the 2 years before he went ghost though.

I was becoming a father and 2 weeks before birth i wrote him an email, another one 1 week before birth. I wasnt wondering to much as it wasnt uncommon at this point that we had a week or two between communication. BUT i never heard anything from him again and thats 4 years ago.

I have to say that we evolved in complete different directions as a person from a certain point on and there was just not that much in common anymore. Also i was pissed as he clearly didnt value our friendship that much anymore and most certainly never did as much as i did.

I am that guy that would have gotten up in the middle of the night and drove 1,5 hour to pick him up where his car broke down.
As from his side i was pretty sure he would never have done this.

I am still wondering why he went ghost at exactly this point.

The funny thing is, he is still on my friends list on facebook but he doesnt reach out or even "likes" something and neither do i.

Long story short..... people grow in different directions and at a certain point it will be to far to reach out.

Its sad..... but it confirms that oneitis doesnt even exist with people you called your brother once.
 
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SirBigBell

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I find it amazing how many people still go through life oblivious to the natural principle of seasons that controls the order and flow of life on earth.

Everything on earth is designed to comply with seasonal cycles. Animals in nature make sure that the births of their offspring coincide with the onset of the season of plentiful food. Birds of the air migrate in alignment with seasonal patterns. Even human life unfolds in seasonal blocks: infant, youth, adult, elderly and death. Nobody can escape or cheat these seasons.

Now that we’ve established that the seasonal principle applies to everything under the sun, we can then clearly see how it also controls our friendships and relationships. Lifelong friendships are those that successfully evolve with changes in seasons, as the bottomline dictates that commonality is the fuel that runs the engine of friendship.

As people’s life seasons change, their priorities and focus change. A man who has a new baby enters a new season in life. Naturally he subconsciously shifts gears to adapt to this new season of fatherhood and increased responsibility. How he values his time changes. He might have been your boy for years as a single dude, but now he has a baby and his priorities have changed. Your common ground has shifted overnight.

In friendships, regularly take temperature and assess your seasons. As changes happen and common ground shifts, you need to be able to see these things happening and even anticipate them. If you want to preserve your friendships, then you need to adjust and roll with seasonal changes. Dont be that seasonally blind 40yr old guy who is bitter that the old friends he used to hang out and smoke weed with have abandoned him.

To maintain common ground under your feet with your friends, be alert to seasonal changes and either adjust or cash-in your chips and bail
 

KindredSpiritzz

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people come and go from a mans life. The nice thing about men is you can not see a buddy for a year and then suddenly run into him and after 30 minutes you're all caught up and its like the friendship is right back to where it was. Give him his space, odds are he's dealing with life sh*t and he'll find his way back in time. If not then he wasnt that good of a friend to begin with.
 

FuzzX

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My brother 'ghosted' me recently, known him my whole life. He just started getting red pilled the last 5 years. Died of a massive heart attack 2 months ago. Sucks losing someone you care about, but you gotta re-direct your focus and find some new mates.
 

Black Widow Void

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This seems to happen a lot after your pal gets married. I can understand if they say that their priorities have changed or they are starting a new chapter in life, but normally they just don't return calls (which I can't tolerate).

Back in my late 20's, I can recall leaving several messages on my best friends answering machine. Seeing as though he and I used to hang out weekly, it was odd that there wasn't even a returned phone call. It was probably about six months after my last message he called (and acted like it was just any other day) . I was fumed! I told him.. "Mike, I'm kind of busy at the moment, I'll give you a call back in about four or five years." I then hung up the phone.
 

derby1

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This seems to happen a lot after your pal gets married. I can understand if they say that their priorities have changed or they are starting a new chapter in life, but normally they just don't return calls (which I can't tolerate).

Back in my late 20's, I can recall leaving several messages on my best friends answering machine. Seeing as though he and I used to hang out weekly, it was odd that there wasn't even a returned phone call. It was probably about six months after my last message he called (and acted like it was just any other day) . I was fumed! I told him.. "Mike, I'm kind of busy at the moment, I'll give you a call back in about four or five years." I then hung up the phone.

lmao good one
 
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