GF with small child, long term material or not

[Mr.Speed]

hi folks,

I met a girl, with who I was in elementary school, we lost contact throughout the years and she used to hated me,when we were kids.

as a matter of fact, we met again and are a couple now for 3 months. so far everything is wonderful and my feelings for her are getting stronger.

what strikes me here is the fact,that she has a small boy, from her former boyfriend. her child is 1,5 years old. unfortunately I saw the boys fahter 2 times so far (her ex picks up the boy for every second weekend in the month) and he provoked me reallly harsh. since then, I begin to see that face of him, in the boys face. AM I SICK, or something like that?? It really makes me feel depressed..

I dont know how to cope with this, since the boy is really cute and nice (he is happy,when he sees me).

another thing: WOULD YOU SUGGEST HER TO BE LTR WITH A KID??

I asked her once, what would be, if we were staying longer together and lets say be engaged one day and married (theoretical). she started to smile and said, that this would be her greatest wish. She would even want a child from me in the later years, though she gave birth once.

but I dont know, if I shoul raise that child indirectly up with her..

you know, the only thing, that is not perfect is, that she has that kid.

please guys, I need some tips and opinions

thanks in advance

 

[musclyjerk]

She needs you now more than ever as very few men would be with her given the fact she has a child - I certainly wouldn't be with her.

There are other chicks out there - don't fall in to the trap of thinking you won't find another who you will get on with just as well.

The Muscly Jerk

 

[Centaurion]

Why would you spend your time and effort in raising some other deadbeats kid?

And also, if you stay with her over a longer period and the child gets attached to you, the courts will look at you as a the kids "father", meaning that you have to fork up sh!tloads in alomony when (not if) a breakup occurs.

My advice would be to stay the hell away. There are far better chicks out there.

 

[Mr.Speed]

mmh, you know actually she doesnt expect from me, to raise him up, so far I am doing nothing for him, I am just a friend/guest.

 

[musclyjerk]

That's how it will start. 'I don't expect you to raise him' etc blah.

You have no idea what she will or won't expect from you.

Do you think she would be happy if you didn't talk or interact with the child at all? No, so she expects that from you. If you are interacting with the child on a daily basis if you got with her, you are raising the child with her and she is expecting it of you.

She is trying to manipulate you in to being with her because other men won't be with her. If she was single without a child, she probably wouldn't be interested in you. Sorry but that's just a high possibility you must consider.

Ultimately it's up to you what you do with your life - raising another mans baby while you resent it and dislike him is not healthy.

Who'se to say she will even want another child with you? Of course she will say that - she wants you to know you will still be able to sew your seed... to cajole you in to getting with her etc.

The Muscly Jerk

 

[Mr.Speed]

sh!t This really messes me up now!

maybe I should talk with her directly about his (being responsable for her child in the future,which scares me)

 

[MacAvoy]

Two things to keep in mind

First if you do stay with her, its better that he is young. This will create a much better relationship between the two of you. When he is older, he will have always seen you as his father figure.

Secondly under no circumstances do you ever adopt him. It totally negates the biological fathers obligations.

You need to think long and hard about this at some point. Maybe its too early in the relationship to judge. Go out there and date a few other women and decide only after you know her better.

 

[lookyoung]

Let me tell you something man to man. I would never get serious with a woman who has kids. Do you have kids? If not then why date a woman with kids your better than that. Of course she wants to marry you, many man would never settle for a woman with baggage. My advice is get a girl that is single. I dont care if she is fat, ugly, or whatever. It beats a woman with kids. Come on pimp your better than that.

 

[kyphan]

First thing to ask: does this woman fit all the criteria you are looking for in a relationship? If you answer "no" to that one, then end it and start seeing other women.

If the answer is "yes" then remember as you move forward: she IS looking for someone to help her raise that kid. You may not want to accept that. I see you trying to tell us that it's not that way and it will never be that way. How can you state that? You have been seeing her for three months. THREE MONTHS is not a very long time. Heck, you're already upset over the baby's father. You think things will get better? No, you are hesitating, you know they will not.

Be very cautious with this.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

A girl with kids is practically the only time she is at a disadvantage in terms of sexual dynamics (that and when they are old and saggy...but that is a different story). So she is playing the hand she has got....and that hand has got a big dud in it in the form of a baby.

Here options are closed. She has to take more or less what she gets. She may have been played by guys who saw the kid and went in for a quick lay and then bolted (BAGGAGE!). Desperation sinks in when she sees that her long term prospects are bleak. She will settle for what she normally would not. Kind of like the guy who is "pu5sy-whipped" by his girlfriend because:
1) He does not have the balls to put his foot down
2) He does not have the balls to break up and check other options (that is why he stays with a lesser quality girl)

The point of all this banter? Well she may settle in a relationship out of NEED and not want. Later in the relationship it will eat away at her. She may get unhappy. AND if she feels she has got you hook, line and sinker (especially if you end up marrying her), she will bleed you emotionally/financially for all you're worth. Then she'll start going out and eventually cheat because:
"you weren't there for her emotionally"

 

[Thomas94305]

First thing to ask: does this woman fit all the criteria you are looking for in a relationship? If you answer "no" to that one, then end it and start seeing other women.
....

Be very cautious with this.

Good advice from Kyphan..

If she does meet your criteria, then I'd expect her to be an adult. You're not that kid's father. I'd be decent to him, of course. But, I'm not responsible to babysit, provide, be the ideal male role model, etc. That's up to the dad. Dunno if she's asked for any of that, you haven't indicated she did. Just something to consider..

As for the dad giving grief.. that's also for her to work out with him. She needs to decide if it's really over with her ex. If so, she needs to communicate that, and defend her relationship with you. Her ex is giving grief in hopes to break things up or whatever. If you wanted to deal with him directly, you can get aggressive with him, not a pretty thing. You could say "look, it's over, and she's moved on.." But, that's not really for you to decide. That's for the woman to decide if it's really over, and to make that clear. Recommend if he gets pissy, tell him "I'm doing nothing wrong to you.. if I want to see her, that's up to her and I." And, I'd tell her that if she's to see you, past relationships need to be OVER, and she needs to set the record straight with him.

 

[Mr.Speed]

so, I went to her place to spoke with her about my fears being the supporter for her child in the end, I told her right away, that I don't want to do this, since his biological father accepted to be the father and is therefore responsible for the payment etc.

she agreed and showed me her documents, I saw the proof,that her ex accepted to be the father.

at the moment she is having a "hard battle" with him about all the formalities and the payment for her son, she is really fighting to fvck him up big time, not because she hates him, but because he is letting her alone with the kid (financially and in beeing a father for him).

@ mac avoy: certainly I will never EVER adopt him, if I marry her someday (theoretically):nono:

@ kyphon: to be honest, I now this girl since I was 7 (now I am 22). From the first moment, we met again, we trusted each other. that is because, we got familiar pretty quick and I must admit that I TRUST her.:yes:
to answer your question: yes, she is definitly a good girl, since she is pretty mature ( of course, she is a mother with responsibility), honest,smart and beautiful


@ thomas: so far, I am only a good friend for the boy, not his mum and not his daddy. this is what I want and what she wants, since he has a fahter (although he doesnt really care for his son).

I never did babysitting, or changing diapers etc. once I CHOSE to go out with him by myself and pushed him in the buggy. that was for christmas, when she did all the cooking. she did NOT ASK FOR IT; I made her an offer.

she really hates him and only holds contact with him, because of their child. I have witnessed many times how she insulted him and treated him like crap, but that was because he treated her disrespectful in the past (womanbeater) and is currently disrespecting her on the phone (insulting her, hanging up etc.)

she is definetly not into him, but he hopes that she will return to him, because of beeing a single mother is difficult.

but this is his dream..

 

[Luke Skywalker]

It's an interesting issue now that you've brought it up, since I was just about to ask out someone for a date that I went out with before who also has a child from someone else. In one sence, if you are hungry and desperate enough like I am, then the attitude could just be fvck it, go out with her, see how far it can go, get whatever experience you want 'going out with someone', then then move on later. Point is, do what is best for you, but dont get too 'emotionally involved or emotionally attached' to her - which will likely happen in an LTR.

So, go on a few dates with her if you want, if you absolutely can not find anyone else and will be wasting time looking at porn and jacking off if you are not going with a woman with child, I think in that case, it's good to invest time in that area, as that's what I think I'm about to do.

My mom doesn't like the idea, and I guess most people on here wont - I see the concept as mutual, if she likes me because most men wont want to get involved with her, and I think most women wont want to get involved with me, and we are both getting along, then I'd say go for it as an esteem booster.

 

[Last Man Standing]

The only thing worse than a hor is a hor with a baby!!

Quit being a sentimental fool!!!

 

[Luke Skywalker]

A ho with a baby, a fat ugly girl, a 30+ divorcee, yeah, whatever, so you have some categories of hos that men aren't going to rush after, and guess what, they will work twice as hard to please whatever man is seriously taking them on even if he is AFC, BAFC, or WBAFC. If it's all about short term experiences and ego boosters, then why worry if there is a child involved or not. If she brings up the child one too many times, then you'll have to NEXT it.

It seems like a sloppy spegetti mess though.

 

[Sexual]

Some of these guys are too harsh, but they certainly get the point across. You don't need that in your life, but chances are you don't know how to get better and you'll convince yourself to 'listen to your heart' and not your brain.

The only way a man would make things work with this woman is if he knew what he wanted, and nothing could tell him otherwise.

And you're not sure. Are you going to go with your gut instinct or wait until you're more experienced in the ways of the world?

 

[kyphan]

@ kyphon: to be honest, I now this girl since I was 7 (now I am 22). From the first moment, we met again, we trusted each other. that is because, we got familiar pretty quick and I must admit that I TRUST her.:yes:
to answer your question: yes, she is definitly a good girl, since she is pretty mature ( of course, she is a mother with responsibility), honest,smart and beautiful

at the moment she is having a "hard battle" with him about all the formalities and the payment for her son, she is really fighting to fvck him up big time, not because she hates him, but because he is letting her alone with the kid (financially and in beeing a father for him).

....

she really hates him and only holds contact with him, because of their child. I have witnessed many times how she insulted him and treated him like crap, but that was because he treated her disrespectful in the past (womanbeater) and is currently disrespecting her on the phone (insulting her, hanging up etc.)

she is definetly not into him, but he hopes that she will return to him, because of beeing a single mother is difficult.

but this is his dream..

Honest, smart, beautiful, has a baby, and is ready to screw her last man over for everything she can get out of him.

Like I said, be careful with this one.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

My mother wont let me go out with that single mother with child.

My dad things it's better to go out with her than someone who is sleeping with everyone.

Well, better get back to Real Estate and make some more deals.

Parents are either c0ckblocking me or helping me, and this thread will suggest they are helping me.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I asked her once, what would be, if we were staying longer together and lets say be engaged one day and married (theoretical). she started to smile and said, that this would be her greatest wish. She would even want a child from me in the later years, though she gave birth once.

Are you the player or the played? It sounds like the latter. She is the one at the disadvantage due to the kid. She has to 'bring her A game' to get what she wants from you. This is great fun, as long as you string her along for as long as possible and do not genuinely fall in love. You have to make her think that you might walk away at any minute. That's how to get the best behavior out of her. But practically telling her that you want to marry her at this stage in the relationship is a major mistake. The M word is to be avoided at all costs at all times.

Legally, you can still be held to be the kid's father if you move in with her and hold yourself out as daddy. The ex will then petition the court to say that he need not pay any more, because the kid has a new father. It is rare, but it happens.

Also, I agree with Kyphan:

ready to screw her last man over for everything she can get out of him.

This is a red flag. If she later views you as having walked out on her and her kid, she will not treat you kindly, either.

 

[Mr.Speed]

"Legally, you can still be held to be the kid's father if you move in with her and hold yourself out as daddy. The ex will then petition the court to say that he need not pay any more, because the kid has a new father. It is rare, but it happens."

as a matter of fact he acceptetd to be the child's father, therefore only he is responsible for the payment of his child noone else, except I adopt that child.



ready to screw her last man over for everything she can get out of him.

she is screwin him like this,because he acts unfair in every way. she is not the "attacker" but more of a "defender". you see, when he moved out, he almost took everything with him (tv,computer etc..) he even stole some of her stuff!
then he refuses payment for his child, he even refuses to buy him diapers(he is always asking for her to buy some), again, he beated her a lot in the past (yep, even in front of the child) plus he is insulting her in every sentence he speaks ( I witnessed it.)

I mean be honest, If you would have a woman like this,you would do the same to her. she is just defending her rights, because he is disrespecting hers and does what he wants