Gf Has Male Best Friend

[Tom Shivoe]

I've been seeing a girl for just over 2 months now. It's a bit complicated because a) we are coworkers and b) I'm separated from a wife who is a psycho (NPD) and isn't letting me see my kids.

The situation I'm puzzling over is that the girl I'm seeing has a male friend who is also a coworker of ours. They are always going around the office together having a laugh (it's not exactly a tightly managed workplace). They are extremely close. She told me she's let him see her financial statements (I haven't, but then I never asked). She's looking to buy a flat and they've gone looking at places together. When I took the girl on holiday, he drove us to the airport (at 4am).

I'm 70%-80% convinced they aren't fcuking. This girl has a pattern of having "work husbands" - she's told me about similar situations in other places she's worked. She is nominally friends with the guy's wife. The guy also took me aside basically to ask my permission for the friendship to continue. She's told me he told her that he realises fcuking her is "my privilege" (she told me she had to work hard to dissuade him from saying this to me).

Hard to explain but I do feel she probably isn't cheating on me with this guy physically as I just don't think that's what she wants from him. But I do feel the friendship is blocking my relationship with her from moving forward. He's her go-to for practical stuff. I'm the one for holidays, vodka shots and bedroom. She doesn't want to disclose our relationship because (she says) she's worried about my psycho ex (which I can believe) plus general embarrassment of a workplace affair.

Things have reached a bit of a crisis because she recently lied to me so she could spend the evening with this guy (I found out because she accidentally sent me a text meant for him). Given everything else I'm still fairly sure they aren't fcuking. She now says she's spent too much time with him and wants to spend more time with me. But I'm having a hard time getting past the lying and I'm at a decision point whether I agree to another holiday with her (she pays her own way, by the way - I'm not paying for her holidays).

So. As usual when I stick stuff up on this site, writing it out helps me figure out the answer which I think is to next her because of the lying. But I'm not sure I'm not just being oversensitive about this friendship, which might be what made her lie. 8 years with my NPD ex has undermined my confidence in my own judgement of others' behaviour. I think this coworker is otherwise potentially a keeper - she's common sense smart, financially independent, easily one of the top 5 hottest women in a company of however many hundreds, the s3x is pretty good. Thoughts, perspectives etc. appreciated.

 

[sazc]

Let's get one thing clear - you cant make someone lie. They make the choice to be dishonest. You have no say in a decision that someone makes when you have no direct input.
She made the choice to lie to you. She choose to lie. Dont let her, or your head, spin it as if you pressured her into in order to spare your feelings. That's straight bullchit. (that's dysfunctional thinking btw)

she lied, that's enough. she doesn't have enough respect for you or the relationship. sure its only 2 months in and how does she even know where you re 'going'? But, that is the point, she should be giving you both an honest chance. Instead she's choosing to lie. Because of this one time, if you stay with her she's going to think she can behave poorly and you will forgive her.

It's time to up your standards. do not accept a person in your life who will lie to you, you deserve better.

 

[Reykhel]

How would you feel about this situation if you had three hot women on the go that were not working with you?

This situation has bad written all over it. Walk away and have fun developing other options.

Think about it: if this woman had high interest in you, would she lie to you and spend time with her male friend or would she make the
time to see you.

The key is not to get attached. Keep your options at a distance.

 

[BeExcellent]

And yet the OP isn't yet divorced and doesn't want drama repercussions of the affair (because that is still what it is right now) either.

Walk away (draw back), and finish getting divorced.

Worry about dating women after that. These two kind of deserve each other right now.

 

[Desdinova]

Things have reached a bit of a crisis because she recently lied to me so she could spend the evening with this guy

This woman is not worth the headache nor the hassle of a LTR. If she's lying to you so she can spend time with this other guy, then the other guy is more important to her than you.

I'm still fairly sure they aren't fcuking.

You shouldn't even be rationalising this. The answer should be "she is NOT fvcking anybody else". If you cannot 100% truthfully state this about her, then she is not relationship material.

 

[ubercat]

For fvcks sake a 2 month relationship has as much value as instant mashed potato. Set a long term goal any bloody goal start building up habit and willpower and patience. You will need all 3 in the Colosseum which is America's dating Market.

 

[speed dawg]

I've been seeing a girl for just over 2 months now. It's a bit complicated because a) we are coworkers and b) I'm separated from a wife who is a psycho (NPD) and isn't letting me see my kids.

The situation I'm puzzling over is that the girl I'm seeing has a male friend who is also a coworker of ours. They are always going around the office together having a laugh (it's not exactly a tightly managed workplace). They are extremely close. She told me she's let him see her financial statements (I haven't, but then I never asked). She's looking to buy a flat and they've gone looking at places together. When I took the girl on holiday, he drove us to the airport (at 4am).

I'm 70%-80% convinced they aren't fcuking. This girl has a pattern of having "work husbands" - she's told me about similar situations in other places she's worked. She is nominally friends with the guy's wife. The guy also took me aside basically to ask my permission for the friendship to continue. She's told me he told her that he realises fcuking her is "my privilege" (she told me she had to work hard to dissuade him from saying this to me).

Hard to explain but I do feel she probably isn't cheating on me with this guy physically as I just don't think that's what she wants from him. But I do feel the friendship is blocking my relationship with her from moving forward. He's her go-to for practical stuff. I'm the one for holidays, vodka shots and bedroom. She doesn't want to disclose our relationship because (she says) she's worried about my psycho ex (which I can believe) plus general embarrassment of a workplace affair.

Things have reached a bit of a crisis because she recently lied to me so she could spend the evening with this guy (I found out because she accidentally sent me a text meant for him). Given everything else I'm still fairly sure they aren't fcuking. She now says she's spent too much time with him and wants to spend more time with me. But I'm having a hard time getting past the lying and I'm at a decision point whether I agree to another holiday with her (she pays her own way, by the way - I'm not paying for her holidays).

So. As usual when I stick stuff up on this site, writing it out helps me figure out the answer which I think is to next her because of the lying. But I'm not sure I'm not just being oversensitive about this friendship, which might be what made her lie. 8 years with my NPD ex has undermined my confidence in my own judgement of others' behaviour. I think this coworker is otherwise potentially a keeper - she's common sense smart, financially independent, easily one of the top 5 hottest women in a company of however many hundreds, the s3x is pretty good. Thoughts, perspectives etc. appreciated.

Same girl as here?

I'll go ahead and caution you, this girl sounds boy crazy. Advice in that other threat was spot-on - they can turn on/off their feelings for you in a stupid-quick amount of time. I'd pull back attention from this one, as she's obviously losing IL/respect for you due to hanging around another dude. I would certainly not consider her my girlfriend.

 

[FairShake]

I'd be far more worried about the lying than the male best friend.

Although if he's talking about "permission" to continue hanging out with her I wonder if there isn't more going on. What best friend needs permission to hang out? Guilty conscious? Groundwork? Doesn't smell right.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

In this thread, we learn that OP enjoys soap opera drama in the same way women do.

 

[GT40]

Dude finish up your issues at home. Perhaps even repair them. Most women are wacko to a certain degree
The new GF- next her now. She's a plate not a GF. It's been two months and you're jumping in head first. Slow your thinking down.

 

[SuckItUp]

So many red flags I think I'm in Tiananmen Square.

There's a reason why people suggest taking a break from the opposite sex when you are getting out of another relationship.

In this case you're not even out of the relationship. You were involved with a toxic woman and you haven't given yourself time to disengage and recover so it comes a no surprise that you locked into another toxic woman.

Why would anyone let someone else look at their financial statements unless they were an accountant, a financial manager, or a lawyer. This smacks of a lack of boundaries.

 

[Derek Flint]

Who has the stronger frame in this relationship and why?