GF giving me the cold shoulder

[Dirtheart]

I guess I've had my first tiff wiith my girlfriend this week.

To sum up, she called me the weekend to see if I would be around on Wednesday. I told her yes I should be. I didn't speak to her after that, but assumed if she was going to visit me she would call me to let me know since it's a 2hr drive for her.

On Wednesday I had to go into Uni. While I was there my gf sent me a message telling me she would see me in 10 minutes. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get away from Uni and told her I wouldn't be free for a few hours. I couldn't even call and tell her because I was in a lecture so I said this by text message, which was somewhat cold and abrupt.

I am guessing she went home, but she has ignored me since then and won't answer the phone. I don't believe I'm entirely in the wrong, but I can definitely see why she would be annoyed and upset.

Now I'm in a dilemma about whether to explain and apologise and risk appearing wussy, or to play it indifferent and risk appearing cold.

Advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[AFK Protector]

Don't apologize man. I think you just need to make her understand, and show that you understand. But no apologies.

do this:

you: hey I need to clarify something to you.

don't do this:

you: i'm sorry. i'll do anything for you to make it up.


er...I'm not very qualified for the tip, but I'm just bumping your post for other DJs and basically, I feel if you both understand this freak o' nature event that happened, then any hard feelings will go away. how you communicate it to her...i'm not good at that.

 

[Hollowpoint]

Wow, 2 hours away!

Anyways I agree with AFK Protector

I'd say 'This is how I operate, you have to let me know in advance for things like this.'

 

[Soma]

Word man. I 've been in similar situations. There is NO need for you to apologize for this. I would explain the abrupt text message but not apologize for anything cause you did nothing wrong.

In order to avoid this in the future I would tell her to call me before coming.

There may be valid reason why she's not calling you, unlikely but possible, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions about that yet. Although I wouldn't chase. If I was unable to get a hold of her I'd explain the abrupt text message on her voice mail and tell her to call me. I wouldn't call again after that.

If she calls I'd clear the air and then ask why she wasn't returning my calls. If she had a valid reason, ok cool. If she sounds like she's lying or she didn't call cause she was upset then I'd let her know what's up. Personally, I don't play that sh!t so I'd tell her I consider that disrespectful no matter what the reason. And then agree on a couple rules. Like "If you're upset, then you MUST let me know. If you don't want to talk and need some alone time, I understand, but you at least must let me know you're upset so I know what's going on."

Most of the time people go into relationships expecting the other person to know exactly how they should behave based on their own morals and values and get pissed when conflict arises. Most people just don't get it, you're two entirely different people and until you BOTH agree on what's acceptable and what isn't, it will not work. When you creat rules like this that you both agree on you now have an understanding. It's clear, no ifs ands or butts. And if one person breaks the rule they must make it up to the other person. Like, if a girls breaks an agreed rule I'll call her on it and say, "You know you have to make this up to me."

her: "yeah, I know. How so?"

Me: "Hmmm, give me a full body massage for an hour and take me out to dinner".

Or whatever you want.


Relationships and dating are two different animals.

-Soma

 

[DJDamage]

There is a reason why they say "long distance relationships never work" not only because the intimacy issues but because it is inconvienent as well. Find someone closer or have her move closer because its frustrating when its 2hr away isn't it???

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks guys.

On one hand I think she's being childish and want to leave her to sulk, but on the other hand I hate the idea that I may have hurt her and I feel I need to explain. In the past I would have apologized, supplicated and chased after her, losing my dignity and her interest in the process. So that's a former mistake I don't want to repeat.

The advice is appreciated and I agree that it may be a good idea to establish some understandings between us.

 

[Dirtheart]

There is a reason why they say "long distance relationships never work" not only because the intimacy issues but because it is inconvienent as well.

Well it's not actually that long distance (usually only 1hr or less away) but she has been working and staying away from home the past 2 weeks. But so far the distance has been quite good for us as we don't get to see each other more than once a week, so there's still some anticipation in meeting.

 

[DJDamage]

Thats good that she is not to far away (less then an hour is pretty good) But she should know that nobody likes the POP-IN.

When she phoned she shouldn't have assumed that you should have dropped everything for her just because she was 10 mins away.

Every visit should be called in advance (either a day earlier or early in the morning) because things tend to change pretty fast in a matter of a week. She should have called you earlier in the day to see if you had THE TIME to meet with her and not expect you to drop everything for her in the last second. Hopefully it was a misunderstanding and she's a reasonable person.

 

[NatureGuy]

An obvious misunderstanding between the two of you. I would tell her this and say that you hope we communicate better in the future. Personally, I would have assumed (as she obviously did) that she would be coming over Wednesday.

 

[Dirtheart]

...and here come all the petty games.

I finally spoke to her this afternoon and I explained about the misunderstanding. She said it was fine, but her tone was very cold and she never even heard me out. I asked why she hadn't answered her phone when I tried to call and she told me "I've been very busy with work". I assume she is turning what I said against me and is not going to let it drop any time soon.

I decided to cut the call short and told her to get in touch when she's less busy.

I don't believe her IL has dropped; she's just mad at me, so I'm not sure if backing away is the right decision here.

 

[MindOverMatter]

My advice is not for everyone, but this always works for me.

The moment you let your girl act like a uptight primadonna b!tch is the moment she realizes that she can get away with it. After that not only will she keep doing it, but she will lose respect for you. If she's acting like an immature b!tch, treat her like one. She will not like it, but she will respect you more then if you act like an afc pushover.

Wait a couple of days, call her again. If she's behaving like this again, do this. Be pissed off, but don't yell. Simply say:

"Listen I tried reasoning with you, I don't need these bullsh!t schoolgirl games in my life, call me in a couple of years when you grow up." Hang up.

Don't ever tolerate primadonna behaviour, it will only make it worse. Only after she realizes that you're willing to leave her in a heartbeat over this sh!t will she stop the drama.

 

[Dirtheart]

I used to put up with this sort of thing in previous relationships and swallow my pride, but just as you said, this always led to more primadonna games. So your advice makes perfect sense.

I've become too soft lately I think.

Thanks!

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

Originally posted by Dirtheart
To sum up, she called me the weekend to see if I would be around on Wednesday. I told her yes I should be. I didn't speak to her after that, but assumed if she was going to visit me she would call me to let me know since it's a 2hr drive for her.

Looks like she was following chick logic. Unfortunately, women are more likely to compose their logic based on their feelings than men do. Next time, let her know that you expect her to notify you in advance - it's best if you lay out the logic yourself, rather than letting her lay it out.

Maximus_Decimus

 

[biker_gixxer]

Originally posted by MindOverMatter

The moment you let your girl act like a uptight primadonna b!tch is the moment she realizes that she can get away with it. After that not only will she keep doing it, but she will lose respect for you. If she's acting like an immature b!tch, treat her like one. She will not like it, but she will respect you more then if you act like an afc pushover.

Wait a couple of days, call her again. If she's behaving like this again, do this. Be pissed off, but don't yell. Simply say:

"Listen I tried reasoning with you, I don't need these bullsh!t schoolgirl games in my life, call me in a couple of years when you grow up." Hang up.

Don't ever tolerate primadonna behaviour, it will only make it worse. Only after she realizes that you're willing to leave her in a heartbeat over this sh!t will she stop the drama.

Hell yes! This is exactly how you handle this situation and any more like it.

 

[DJ_Dork]

Originally posted by MindOverMatter
My advice is not for everyone, but this always works for me.

The moment you let your girl act like a uptight primadonna b!tch is the moment she realizes that she can get away with it. After that not only will she keep doing it, but she will lose respect for you. If she's acting like an immature b!tch, treat her like one. She will not like it, but she will respect you more then if you act like an afc pushover.

Wait a couple of days, call her again. If she's behaving like this again, do this. Be pissed off, but don't yell. Simply say:

"Listen I tried reasoning with you, I don't need these bullsh!t schoolgirl games in my life, call me in a couple of years when you grow up." Hang up.

Don't ever tolerate primadonna behaviour, it will only make it worse. Only after she realizes that you're willing to leave her in a heartbeat over this sh!t will she stop the drama.

WORD. I've read from DJ Bible on controlling anger and keeping it inside. I never believed in that at all. You see girls being very *****y and angry when they hate the things we do, Why can't we cause we're men? Bullcrap.. stop reading from the movies on how to be smooth and cool hollywood style. BE ANGRY.

 

[NatureGuy]

Some good advice here, but be carefull about displaying anger. You don't want to be a wimp or 'push over', but if you become the angry guy she'll either become afraid of you or think you have problems. Either way, she'll disappear. It's often said that women like men who are in control of their emotions and this is a good time to practice that.

 

[seabreeze]

Okay,

Nature guy is absolutely right and he took the words right out of my mouth. "Indifference" is the best thing to do when your dealing with chick drama. I should know, I'm a chick. I have to admit it drives me CRAZY and I hate it when a guy is cool and collected and in control of his emotions and ignores my tantrums, but damn if it doesn't work. I think she's being a wee bit childish, so just let her stew. She'll come around once she realizes that her pouting is not affecting you one way or the other. God, I hate giving you this kind of advice (I'm breaking chick code or something). Just make sure when she comes around make it worth her while and SHE'LL actually end up apologizing to YOU! And she'll probably realize she doesn't want to lose out on a good time with you by pouting ever again (well at least not for a while). I hate to admit it, but, women can be trained. (Read my post on submission in "Vaginas: WMDs")

Hope this helps.
SB

 

[Dirtheart]

Thanks for all the advice on this.

Unfortunately I haven't heard anything from her since we last spoke. I sent her a txt message last week and she told me she's very busy at the moment and will get in touch soon. I know from experience that when a woman uses "too busy" as an excuse, she's either pouting or it's her way of letting things drift apart.

After talking to her last, I have been playing indifferent and haven't contacted her. I just hope it is driving her as crazy as it is driving me. I believe this is the right thing to do since I made the last move, but I'm afraid of losing her and this is a real test of faith.

God, I hate giving you this kind of advice (I'm breaking chick code or something).

I appreciate the honesty! Inside secrets are always appreciated!