gf bailed on me again today, am i making too much of it?

[kingkong98]

my gf was supposed to come over today but instead she cancelled on me because she said she needs to go to the mall and buy me a valentines day gift. I wouldnt think anything of it except for the fact that this is the 3rd time lately that she's made plans with me then cancelled. the other two times were because she supposedly had a lot of homework to do.

overall our relationship has been pretty good but sometimes she flips out and says she doesnt trust me because of the fact that i kissed someone else right after me and her were supposed to be exclusive. She lost her virginity to me and was the first to say "i love you" since i refuse to ever say it first to a girl. I just dont understand what's going on lately with all of the flaking out on plans.

should i ask her whats going on or pretend that i dont notice/dont care?

 

[Igetit!]

my gf was supposed to come over today but instead she cancelled on me because she said she needs to go to the mall and buy me a valentines day gift.

This is crazy. I've heard a lot of wacky excuses from women,but this one...this one is in a league of it's own.


I mean which is more important,the RELATIONSHIP,or some trinket or gift that suppose to represent the relationship?


That reason doesn't make any sense. For one...

There are still 5 days to go until Valentine's Day. That's PLENTY of time to go buy a gift.

Also,(unless I'm mistaken) this was a scheduled get-together,it was pre-planned. So why would she choose the time that you two had already set aside for each other to go run an errand?

She couldn't pick one of the four following days to go do something that'll take all of 30 minutes to do?

I wouldnt think anything of it except for the fact that this is the 3rd time lately that she's made plans with me then cancelled. the other two times were because she supposedly had a lot of homework to do.

Something's up.

She made plans with you,then cancelled them because of homework?

That's a lie dude. I'm not saying she didn't have any homework to do,but her cancelling on you like that makes it seem like she just found out about having homework AT THE LAST MINUTE.

And even if she did have homework,if her interest in you is high,if she feels passion and chemistry with you (as she should since you're her boyfriend),she'd reschedule.

It's actually pretty simple. If a woman wants to see you,SHE'LL SEE YOU.

overall our relationship has been pretty good but sometimes she flips out and says she doesnt trust me because of the fact that i kissed someone else right after me and her were supposed to be exclusive. She lost her virginity to me and was the first to say "i love you" since i refuse to ever say it first to a girl. I just dont understand what's going on lately with all of the flaking out on plans.

Well you kissing another girl wasn't a smart thing to do if you wanted to be exclusive with her,however,I doubt that's the reason for her flakiness.


You say her behavior have changed as of lately. That usually means that somewhere down the line,your behavior changed FIRST.

I don't want to have to type it out all over again,so just check THIS out. Don't worry,it's not 5 pages of a thread to read,in fact,it's not a thread at all,just one single reply.

You don't have to read the whole thing,just skip down to reply number 14.

If should help you get things back on track,that is...if the problem is just her interest level is low.

If there's another guy,then you got a problem. But you following what's outlined in the thread I suggested should straighten things out.

should i ask her whats going on or pretend that i dont notice/dont care?

I wouldn't ask her what's going on. You won't get any answer that'll make any sense.

And if her attraction for you had declined,you having a "discussion" with her won't fix anything. Just do what's in the thread I mentioned.

 

[Kailex]

I wonder if this is a case where she might be swinging to another branch but is still latching onto you just simply because you were her "first". A woman should be flaking on you at the beginning of the dating process.

I guess the only way you can truly find out what's going on is on V-Day, and then make a call after that.

If she definitely doesn't have a gift for you that day, or cuts the date short or is in a hurry to get away from you or there's no sex...

You definitely have your answer there.

 

[Ease]

Flaking/cancelling is a big deal.

Its a big red flag.

A woman with interest will rather cancel on her best friend than cancel on you. No matter what anyone says, cancelling a meetup means something is wrong.

Sounds like her interest level is reaching dangerously low levels.

Confronting her will not create interest level, it will lower it as you will show that you care too much and are needy. You need to raise it again. You raise interest in an LTR by pulling back and taking away.

For super combo points, forget to get her a valentines day present. That will shake her up.

 

[sodbuster]

I'm guessing it's about time to next her. If you don't have her trained that it's unacceptable by now, not sure you can. you need to train the horse,don't let the horse train you.

 

[Alan]

next'ing is often easier said than done, if you're emotionally involved. This depends on your level of independence...

In my experience, the girl came back once I said enough is enough. You're available now, she knows that. If you're no longer available, you'll be more interesting, and she'll ask herself why she can't get you anymore. This doesn't always work, if it's still early days, but if you've known her for a while, give it a try.

 

[kingkong98]

she was being distant all day today so i eventually asked if theres anything on her mind and she basically broke up with me because of the time i cheated on her. i had lied and told her that i never talked to the girl again but apparently a few weeks ago on facebook she had seen picture comments i left the girl that i cheated on her with and now she never feels like she can trust me again. ugh..

 

[kingkong98]

"You say her behavior have changed as of lately. That usually means that somewhere down the line,your behavior changed FIRST."

yeah my behavior changed when i cheated on her for basically no reason, she thinks id do the same thing again even though i wouldnt because i really started to fall for her around christmas and when she lost her virginity to me, i wouldnt have taken her virginity if i was planning on cheating again but she doesnt believe me at all.

 

[Ease]

"You say her behavior have changed as of lately. That usually means that somewhere down the line,your behavior changed FIRST."

yeah my behavior changed when i cheated on her for basically no reason, she thinks id do the same thing again even though i wouldnt because i really started to fall for her around christmas and when she lost her virginity to me, i wouldnt have taken her virginity if i was planning on cheating again but she doesnt believe me at all.

No she dumped you because she had low interest.

She got bored.

She manipulated you into feeling guilty for cheating and to give her constant reassurance and running around after her.

If you said stfu after you cheated you would have wound up 10X better.

 

[kingkong98]

No she dumped you because she had low interest.

She got bored.

She manipulated you into feeling guilty for cheating and to give her constant reassurance and running around after her.

If you said stfu after you cheated you would have wound up 10X better.

idk about that i mean ive been lied to by girls before and still had interest in them and was not bored at all, i just dumped them in the long run because i knew i couldnt trust them no matter how hard they tried to make up for it. basically the girlfriend i had before this girl lied to me a few times and i still loved her alot but i broke up with her because i knew id never get over the crap she pulled.

 

[Ease]

You're trying to think logically, dont listen to what she says ever.

She cant have interest in you if she dumped you. Cheating doesnt reduce interest level directly, it may shake her up and cause all sorts of emotion but it wont make her indifferent towards you. If anything it will increase interest level, in a more obsessive and less affectionate way. At this point she may 'say' she never wants to talk to you again, but will answer her fone within 2 seconds any time you call her. She'll accept to meet up with you to 'talk' at any cost. That girl will definitely not be flaking or cancelling plans.

she doesnt trust me because of the fact that i kissed someone else right after me and her were supposed to be exclusive

That isnt really cheating anyway.

Iv had an ex that did the same thing to me, its a sneaky manipulation.

 

[kingkong98]

but like how can someone respect or trust someone that cheated on them?

 

[kingkong98]

i tried to explain to her that kissing isnt as big of a deal as if i had kissed someone and then she told me that it's a big deal to her because im the first person she ever kissed..idk what to say now

 

[Phat]

Wait till valentines day to find out . Also consider she might be trying to build up the tension so you will think about her more and miss her more. Give her time to think about you. Dont always be available.

 

[Phat]

damn, i just read that she dumped you. This is a fine example of trusting your gut, when you sense something is wrong with your girl 9/10 theres is something wrong. And her dumping you before valentines day was just revenge. You didnt really think she would forget you cheated on her? LoL

 

[bukowski_merit]

Dude, bottom line, that IS NOT the reason she broke up with you...

Her interest in you was LOW and/or sinking...
AND I'd be willing to bet a good fortune that her interest in another guy is HIGH and rising...
In fact, those excuses - are the exact type of stuff women tell their boyfriends when they're coming to fvck ME! When i read those excuses she gave you - red flags shot up all over the place!

She wanted to move on from you because she's lost interest and your past cheating was a decent excuse.

The good news is whoever this new guys is - has a 90% chance of laying it on too strong and then she'll probably try to reenter your dragon. That is - - - if you play this all cool and act like it doesn't matter to you.

 

[Igetit!]

but like how can someone respect or trust someone that cheated on them?

You're missing the point of what Ease was trying to say.

She didn't break up with you because of the so called "cheating" incident,she broke up with you because she LOST INTEREST in you.


The fire,the passion,the chemistry she ORIGINALLY FELT towards you in the beginning of the relationship is gone.


That's why she left the relationship,NOT because of you cheating.

The cheating was just a convinent excuse. It was just a legitimate reason for her to leave.


For her to straight out tell you she's no longer attracted to you (which is the truth) is to hurtful for a girl to say to a guy. It's too confrontational.

The cheating incident is easier to use because you BOTH KNOW it happened and it's true. It's something you can't deny.


You two could have went on dating for another two years,and if the attraction she had for you in the beginning had lasted until then,then suddenly started dying out,she would have went back to this same excuse.



Respect and trust can be rebuilt over time,but if there's no attraction there,she won't stick around long enough to give you a chance to rebuild them.



Ease's suggestion about telling your girl to "shut the fvck up" after you cheated on her is illogical,it makes no sense whatsoever. And that's EXACTLY WHY it WOULD HAVE WORKED on her.


It may not make any sense,but it would have stimulated her emotions towards you.


"Cheating" on someone and "Feeling Attraction" are two different things.


Her attraction for you had died out. That's EASY to see. When a girl starts acting weird,and is constantly coming up with excuses NOT TO BE around you after you two have been dating for a while,then YOU slipped up somewhere.



That's what I meant when I said that YOUR BEHAVIOR had changed.


Her leaving has NOTHING TO DO with you cheating. If it did,she'd have left you when the cheating first occured,NOT so many months later.


She left because her attractiuon for you left. And the attraction left because YOU changed.

 

[starplayer]

No she dumped you because she had low interest.

She got bored.

Dude, bottom line, that IS NOT the reason she broke up with you...

Her interest in you was LOW and/or sinking...

She wanted to move on from you because she's lost interest and your past cheating was a decent excuse.

She didn't break up with you because of the so called "cheating" incident,she broke up with you because she LOST INTEREST in you.


The fire,the passion,the chemistry she ORIGINALLY FELT towards you in the beginning of the relationship is gone.


That's why she left the relationship,NOT because of you cheating.

The cheating was just a convinent excuse. It was just a legitimate reason for her to leave.


For her to straight out tell you she's no longer attracted to you (which is the truth) is to hurtful for a girl to say to a guy. It's too confrontational.

The cheating incident is easier to use because you BOTH KNOW it happened and it's true. It's something you can't deny.

^ This all pretty much sums it up. ^

So many times girls will find excuses to break up which are just BS basically.

The cheating excuse works even better for her because it makes you look like the bad guy, the abusive jerk. This saves her image and stops her feeling guilty.

I had a similar situation once. A girl didn't want to talk to me anymore and acted angry and upset over something I had done, which really wasn't that big a deal. I apologized and tried to explain myself LOGICALLY like a total wuss. In the end I realized that the reason itself was irrelevant - just an excuse to get rid of me. Her attraction was already so low she was repulsed by me, but she guilt-tripped which made be beg and made it even worse. Probably one of the more pathetic moments in my life to say the least.

If a girl is really attracted to you, she will do crazy things to be with you and will take a lot of your sh!t. If she is not interested in you she will have MILLIONS of excuses why she can't see you.

Anyway... you should go no contact with this girl now, see what she does. But I wouldn't get your hopes up. Time to move on man.

 

[Kailex]

This is their second break up.
Everything everyone else said was true... it's over, and I don't think the situation should be revisited at all, even if she decides to break NC. This has all of the makings of a chaotic relationship if they do keep going on and off.

She just REALLY lost interest and used that very convenient "Woman Archive" to pull up that ONE obscure file from a long time ago.

 

[TizZle]

The fire,the passion,the chemistry she ORIGINALLY FELT towards you in the beginning of the relationship is gone.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=166561

that initial firey passion always goes away.

OP just go no contact with her.