gf asked guy for a dance

[pyros]

Hi.

Me and my ex just started to see each other again.
We went to a salsa club, and there she met some of her new friends, one couple and another girl, which I do not know.

We were dancing for a while but I do not dance salsa very good, pretty bad actually.

We tried a couple of times ut it was a mess, and the last one, when we stopped, she just asked straighaway her guy friend (who dances very very well) for a dance. It seems she was getting bored, I was also, because since I did not dance well, it wasa bit boring for both of us.

This hurt me a little.
Do you think I'm being AFC? while my ex and her guy friend were dancing, I was talking to this guy's girlfriend. After they finished, my ex told me: 'hey you could have danced with his gf, she dances pretty well too.'
Afterwards, we had sex etc

1) She did not like how I danced, so after an hour, she asked her male friend for a dance.
2) After that, she 'let' met dance with her male friend's girlfriend.

How would you handle this?
How do you handle if your gf dances with a friend of yours or just a friend of hers that you don't know?

I think my policy is:
I do not mind if she dances with a friend of 'ours' from time to time, one song.
But more than that, I just don't like it. And I think she could at least have said: hey, do you mind if I dance with him for a moment?

Thank you.

 

[Konada]

She's an ex for a reason. Look back why you broke up and you'll find your answer to this.

 

[(JJ)]

Had the EXACT same situation except with country dancing. Told her that I found it disrespectful, and that she was more than welcome, but that if I got scooped up by some other girl while I was waiting on the sidelines then she was gonna have to deal with it.

(This was before the dancing though, and she was asking my permission, so slightly different.)

Now, that only worked because I had already instilled in her the fear of losing me, and she IMMEDIATELY backtracked and said no, no, no. I don't need to dance with other guys! I'm just gonna help you get better!

In any case, I'm of the mindset that you should have high enough value in both her eyes and your own, that when something bothers you like that, you're okay with standing your ground... to the point of "well she's not listening to what I say, she's now therefore not up to my standards... NEXT."

 

[Mike32ct]

While it's natural to feel a little jealous or territorial, she is your ex and basically just a FWB at this point. So you probably can't hold her to the same strict standards that you would an actual girlfriend.

Notwithstanding, it would have been better for her to ask you if you minded her dancing with the other guy.

If they just danced a song or two, that's not too bad. But if she sort of blew you off for a while, that is very rude.

Honestly, I don't think I would go salsa dancing with her again for a couple reasons...

1. Maybe salsa really isn't your thing.

2. Even if you do like it, you don't need her putting down your dancing ability.

3. She knows people there and has a "home court advantage," you don't. So it puts you in a weaker position.

But don't sweat it too much. You F-ed her later, he didn't.

 

[bigneil]

Hi.

Me and my ex just started to see each other again.
We went to a salsa club, and there she met some of her new friends, which I do not know.

We were dancing for a while but I do not dance salsa very good, pretty bad actually.

We tried a couple of times but it was a mess, and the last one, when we stopped, she just asked straightaway his guy friend (who dances very very well) for a dance. It seems she was getting bored, I was also, because since I did not dance well, it was a bit boring for both of us.

This hurt me a little.
Do you think I'm being AFC? while they were dancing, I was talking to this guy's girlfriend. After they finished, my ex told me: 'hey you could have danced with his gf, she dances pretty well too.'
Afterwards, we had sex etc

1) She did not like how I danced, so after an hour, she asked his friend to dance.
2) After that, she 'let' met dance with another girl.

How would you handle this?
How do you handle if your gf dances with a friend of yours or just a friend of hers that you don't know?

I think my policy is:
I do not mind if she dances with a friend of 'ours' from time to time, one song.
But more than that, I just don't like it. And I think she could at least have said: hey, do you mind if I dance with him for a moment?

Thank you.

Your mistakes in Bold

 

[ATX1001]

From what little I know of salsa, a lot of people go there to just dance.. they're not trying to pick up.

 

[pyros]

Hi.
The thing is she's the one who wants to get back with me. I broke up with her but I think still love her.
She's been trying for some months now, so after a while, I said ok, we can go out a few times and see how everything goes.
It's been quite nice, we had fun, had lot of sex, etc
She was very excited about us going to that salsa club, she really wanted to go with me, because she's been learning for some months, so she wanted to try to dance salsa with me.
But, I was pretty clumsy at the dancing thing, and she got bored after many many tries. I wanted to stop dancing because it was being boring, but we did continue. So after that, I felt she was dissapointed. And his friend who was dancing with her other girl friends was there, and at the end of the night, after we tried again, she just asked him for one dance.

should she have asked me if I minded? I think so. After that we left, and we were pretty quiet, you know, when you both feel something is not right (I think she was thinking about what just happened).
Should I ask her about it? or let it be? but if I let it be, how many times is she gonna dance with 'a friend'? do you get me?

I'd say to her something like: 'I did not like that after you got bored of dancing with me, you just asked this guy, which I do not even know. You could have asked if I minded. If he's OUR friend its ok if you want a dance from time to time. I dont think you would have liked it if it I had been the other way around: I take you with some friends you don't know, I dance with a girl you dont know etc'

Probably she's gonna reply something like:
he was there with HIS GF, and he's my friend he's not a random guy. ANd it was just one dance after anhour of dancing with you, and I just wanted to dance because he does it very good, not because I like him.'

 

[runner83]

Get a grip mate, get this AFC bullsh!t train of thought out of your head. She's an ex, not your actual girlfriend again (as yet).

So she danced with the other dude since you were a bloody terrible dancer, and who can blame her?

Who did you have s!x with at the end...the other dude's girlfriend or your ex?... ha ha

 

[pyros]

yes she's not my gf now. But if she's been the one trying to get back with me...she dancing one dance with a guy friend of hers I don't even know is not helping. But, it also pisses me off that after she danced, she 'gave me permission' to dance with this guy's gf if I wanted to...can you believe it?

 

[bigneil]

The thing is she's the one who wants to get back with me.

This is exactly what I couldn't seem to get over too, back when I was whining over my ex who hated me. It was HER idea to hurt me. It was SHE who wanted to see me cry. Doesn't that mean she loved me? NO.

If she's been the one trying to get back with me...she dancing one dance with a guy I don't even know ... (and) after she danced, she 'gave me permission' to dance with this guy's gf if I wanted to...can you believe it?

Of course we can believe it - you're AFC of the week. If she loved you she would have clawed that bltches eyes out before she let you dance with her, but she was letting the other woman know that you were the Beta male and her BF was the Alpha male.

Why can't men just accept such blatant evidence that their woman does not love them even remotely enough to be considered? Are you going to trust her to raise your kids?

AND she's your EX, so you made the same mistake twice! Face it, you know you can't get another girl that hot unless you hit the treadmill, but you'll sacrifice your pride before you'll sacrifice your belly.

NO CONTACT.

 

[pyros]

I'm not an AFC, but that night I was feeling a bit introverted because of what I said: she with her new friends in a new place, me not dancing very well, etc.

See this, if we were still a couple, we probably would go to any salsa club with friends, and there you switch girls in order to dance, so it is normal. Before this happened, we were dancing a lot and she said several times that she did not want to switch, that she wanted to dance just with me. But after realising I was not such a good salsa dancer, she got bored/disapointed.

It is not that she danced with a random guy, they were friends and this guy was with his gf which is also friends of my ex. I dont know if you read the whole story bigneil.

As I said, this guy's gf let him dance with all these three girls. Is something wrong with this girl because she lets her man dance with her girl friends? I dont think so. They all are friends, and they all are in a salsa club together. But in my case, I was new there, I did not know her friends so it is not the same.

Maybe it is all simplier: we were dancing the two of us for almost an hour, I did not do very well, and before leaving she had a dance with her guy friend...uhm.
Anyway, she could have not done that, or she could have asked me.

You're probably right when you say that in that scenario I looked beta, and she (my ex) found this to be ok, because if she did not, she would have at least asked me if I minded.
Dont you think?

 

[Aaron B]

i would handle this by either learning how to salsa dance or by not taking her to salsa clubs

take a dance class with her

 

[pyros]

yeah, I've gone to some classes, but she's been going too. In other words, we've been going to learn salsa but separately. So in order to guide a girl, I need to know a lot, so if a girl knows a bit but she dances with a dude that knows a lot, they CAN dance pretty well. This is not the point anyway.

 

[Aaron B]

the point is either get good enough to be her partner at the club or DON'T GO

 

[pyros]

yeah right, I'm learning also already.
But you did not give any comment about the situation, about what if she just asks her guy friend for a dance.
Or in general, what if you gf asks a guy friend of hers for a dance, should she ask you if you mind? would you mind if she danced with a guy friend from time to time when you're both at a club?
I would if it happens more than...1/5 of the times.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

She's been trying for some months now, so after a while, I said ok, we can go out a few times and see how everything goes.
It's been quite nice, we had fun, had lot of sex, etc

Of course things are going well and she's putting out a lot... she's trying to get her hooks back into you.

But, I was pretty clumsy at the dancing thing, and she got bored after many many tries. I wanted to stop dancing because it was being boring, but we did continue. So after that, I felt she was disappointed.

You just got back with this girl and your already very outcome dependent and wrapped up in the whole thing. Women are not attracted to guys that act like girls.....

should she have asked me if I minded? I think so.

Your over-reacting..... its not like she went out to a club with her gfs and you found out that she grinded on a guy's junk for a few songs behind your back. You were standing right there and she was dancing with a dude. No big deal.

After that we left, and we were pretty quiet, you know, when you both feel something is not right (I think she was thinking about what just happened).

This is on you; your the one who made the mood in the car awkward, so she became awkward too. Why are you so insecure about something that doesn't even need to be thought about?

Should I ask her about it? or let it be? but if I let it be, how many times is she gonna dance with 'a friend'? do you get me?

If a girl is going to cheat, she's going to cheat. Trying to scold her or control her will only have her pursue that action more. The problem isn't the dancing with the other guy; its that your insecure and get jealous easily. That is the ROOT ISSUE.

I'd say to her something like: 'I did not like that after you got bored of dancing with me, you just asked this guy, which I do not even know. You could have asked if I minded. If he's OUR friend its ok if you want a dance from time to time. I dont think you would have liked it if it I had been the other way around: I take you with some friends you don't know, I dance with a girl you dont know etc'

Ever heard the term making a mountain outta a mole hill? That's you right now. If you want her to lose attraction for you and question why she wanted to get back with you, then do what you said above.

he was there with HIS GF, and he's my friend he's not a random guy. ANd it was just one dance after anhour of dancing with you, and I just wanted to dance because he does it very good, not because I like him.'

And she's absolutely RIGHT! STOP being so insecure!!! This is just flat out retarded on every account.







PIMP

 

[pyros]

alright, alright.
But there are ppl like bigneil that answered something pretty different than you Pimp-sicle. I'm overreacting ok, it is not so big deal ok, I agree. But when would it be too much permission?

I mean, if we now started to go to a salsa club every weekend (which is likely),
is it ok if she dances everytime with some guy friend of hers?
is it ok if she just does this from time to time for one song?
what do you think?

If we were all friends, it would be ok if she danced with a guy friend every once in a while, but I do not see why she would like to do so, and I don't think she would like to watch me dancing with a hot girl friend of hers...

I do not know how to delimit what is ok, or what is too much in this case, because we did not go to these kind of clubs.


Thanks!

 

[bigneil]

pyros, if you had another woman you'd just focus on her and not me.

 

[New2SoSuave]

I enjoy dancing and I dance about 15 different partner dances (including salsa) and trust me, I'm not interested in majority of the women I dance with. People who go salsa dancing go there because they enjoy dancing, most salsa dancers know who the regular dancers are; and if they want to hook up they will hook up regardless. Just because 2 people dance salsa doesn't mean they want to bone 'em.

Dude you need to chill!

 

[sighsigh]

You should not take a girl to a place where you are going to make her think less of you (unless her IL is super-high or something). She needs to think you're the Great Catch, yes? And you slipping and sliding all over the dance floor brings you farther away from that title.

The situation was unfortunate, but you brought it upon yourself by putting yourself, a bad dancer, side by side with lots of excellent dancers. This considering your ex's IL is unstable as it is. You should have refused to go.

Also, your entire mindset in dealing with this problem is AFC, but I think other posters covered that.