getting that all important sexual confidence...

[MrNiceGuy]

Ok this is one of those topics that keeps reappearing but I just wanna post my take on it. Need to vent some of the thoughts I've had recently..

Here's the catch 22, I'm fairly confident that if I had more confidence in myself sexually I'd be able to pick up loads more chicks when I go out, but of course a large portion of that confidence I'm not going to get untill I actually get myself laid.

Essentially my lack of experience means that I suppose I'm scared to actually make any sort of moves..

As far as making conversation and talking to new people goes I'm fine, but when it comes to actually trying things on.. well I can get as far as kinoing and thats about it..

Over the past few years I've overcome the idea that somehow became embedded in my head while I was a teenager that girls and women weren't attracted to me.. I accept now that its not the case, and despite moments of self doubt I don't have trouble believing that many (not all tho, I'm not Brad Pitt) girls find me attractive, but I do have trouble convincing myself that I'd be able to seduce them, sure I can talk to chicks, and get their phone numbers, even flirt a bit provided they're receptive to it but when it comes to going for a kiss and in particular anything more, I'm rubbish unless I've had a shed load to drink and it seems pretty much obvious that they want it to happen..

The last time I had a pretty blatant offer from a chick it was so unexpected I just wasn't prepared for it at all, and I ended up being a **** and ****ily knocking her back, mainly because it came so out of the blue (I'd tried talking to her earlier in the evening and bailed out after my first line because she didn't seem interested, I think I inadvertanly displayed challengeness to her)..

I was wondering how people ever get thru this problem, and of course they do it in their teens when everyone else does, the chances are they'll be some chick who likes you and actually has the balls to make the moves on you, because you're so horny you go for it and seeing as the chances are you're both inexperienced no one has any hang ups about it.. Well, I was just coming out of my first 1-itis experience (at 15/16) when the opportunity came right along for me, this chick wouldn't leave me alone, but I was being so AFC and moping about how the only girl for me was my 1-itis bird that I kept knocking her back. I wish I'd never met that 1-itis chick, I handled everything in a complete AFC way and the net result was any little confiednce with women was completely nuked. So much so that this chick continually coming on to me didn't help one bit.
A couple of years later when I first started uni there was one chick who kept flirting with me, she wasn't as obvious as the other girl and my confidence was completely in pieces. still, it shouldn't have been, this chick was flirting with me all the time for the first week I met her, she said she was a virgin and she kept asking if I'd met anyone I liked, did I carry condoms on me etc. etc. I quite liked her and I managed to be cool during the convos, but all the times I'd talked to her we weren't alone, this was always in a group, except she paid me all the attention, but I didn't have the confidence to actually ask her to come somewhere alone with me so I could make a move..
They were my two gift horse opportunities to lose my virginity and I blew them both

And so for 4 years at uni I practically gave up on chicks, none of the girls I knew well I fancied and I was no good at approaching or making moves on people I'd only just met, so nothing happened at all.. I just floated along in the AFC dreamworld that eventually I'd meet the girl of my dreams and somehow it would all work out.. although I guess I was partly thinking this cos I was scared of trying too.

And eventually, a year and half ago I went on holiday and got chatting to loads of girls, I realised talking to absoloute strangers was pretty easy and I realised doing nothing wasn't working, I was getting older and nothing was happening.. so slowly, ever so slowly my confidence has grown to the point where I'm approaching and striking up conversations with strangers and so on, getting the odd phone number.. but I just can't get over this sticking point of the whole sex thing..

I'm also thinking I'm missing out on loads of opportunities for ONSs I can tell I am from when I go to some clubs. Plus my flatmate tells me that one of her friends fancies me, but the trouble is she's in her early 30s (still very fit tho) so I'm even more hung up about my inexperience when I speak to her, surely part of the reason she likes younger guys is that we're better looking and have more stamina in the bedroom supposedly,

I dunno, I just need to think something other than "keep trying it'll happen eventually" cos that's what I've been thinking/doing for months now, and it hasn't.. Man, If I only I'd had the internet and this site back when I was 15..

 

[MrNiceGuy]

just realised that was my 300th post,

also had one other thought...

maybe getting a little too ****y now, but basically its got to the point where I think I scrub up pretty well and If I can get in a convo I think chicks are sometimes impressed.. i.e. sometimes I get the impression they think I am a big playa and their waiting for me to make the moves... and... so I've just solved my problem next time I notice that I fckin go for it straight away..

 

[Ol'BlueEyes]

interesting topic

This is why I have a problem with the whole "fake-it-until-you-make-it" mentality. There comes a point where the buck stops.

I, for one, have only had sex twice. Both were one-night stands and very disappointing. Neither time did I bring the girl to orgasm or had one myself during the act. Overall, I was pretty awkward and sheepish when things got hot and heavy. I'm not a virgin anymore, but as far as sexual experience goes, I'm still at square one.
I have no problems approaching and meeting women, but if there's one place you can't fake it (guys, anyway) it's the bedroom.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

exactly,

I just get the impression that as a man, especially now that I'm in my early (and approaching mid) twenties, I'm expected to be a good performer in the bedroom..

but unless I find myself a woman thats overly aggressive in the bedroom and doesn't particularly want me to take the lead I reckon I'll just feel like a dissapointment.. I can already hear the "who cares whether you impress her the improtant thing is you.." replies coming now, but the point is I will feel better about myself if I make someone else happy, I dunno what it is, but I like the feeling that I've made someones life better..

then again maybe sex doesn't lead to confidence at all.. I remember when I had my first proper kiss I was half thinking that this was the dawning of a new era for me were I'd be able to go out with whichever girl I wanted but I don't remember being any more confident with other girls afterward.. that was 10 years ago though..

I've been thinking, basically I'm going to feel awkward unless I feel like the chick isn't expecting good sex in the first place, ie. she's aware of my inexperience, the trouble is if I make most chicks aware of that they'll most likely lose interest or be scared off unless they're really really into me..

 

[Dirtheart]

Thinking and stressing too much about it = big mistake!

Don't chat up a woman thinking it must lead to sex. Date, make out and get to know her first if that makes you feel comfortable. If she proposes sex and you're not comfortable, tell her she'll have to wait. Not only will this build anticipation, but it shows you are in control and not just some desperate player who lets his libido dominate his life.

When it comes to sex, don't plan or announce it, just do what you feel is right and do it how you think it should be done. If she reacts well, you're doing it right (add it to your list of tricks), if not, then try something else. It's like all things in life: it's a learning experience in itself.

Always take things slow. Don't rush into the obvious. Work towards it, backing off now and again and just tease her. It is possible to bring a woman to orgasm by mere anticipation.

 

[CrazyGoNuts]

well it all depends, im gonna be 23 in less than 2 weeks and i have probably only had sex a total of 15 times and only with 2 different girls. I am never uncomfortable with the way I perform because any girls I fool around with are always about just as experienced as I am and that helps my mindset. For me it all depends on my experience compared to the girls, like this new girl i am hangin out with ... she is way more experienced than I am and already when i was fingerin her i was thinkin "damn she doesnt like the way i do it" and **** like that. But then you just need to keep at it and have faith. After a few minutes she finally started moanin and added a few "oh god"'s in there and that picked up my confidence hardcore.

 

[Ol'BlueEyes]

CrazyGoNuts

I gather that you have more confidence because it seems like you've been in longer relationships than I have.

i have probably only had sex a total of 15 times and only with 2 different girls

Seems that if you have sex with a girl four or five times, you'll get better at pleasing her and your confidence will go up.

Sex for me has been a bit like hitting the lottery...two chicks at clubs liked the way I looked, so they got naked for me. While it's flattering to know I can attract chicks to the point of sleeping with them right away, it sucked when they found out I wasn't exactly Mr. Sexual Dynamo. Plus, they didn't offer any help or communication, and generally were unsympathetic.

I gave them a player vibe and they bought it, hook, line and sinker. They were so attracted to me they couldn't imagine I was a virgin at the time. I even admitted it right before my first and she kept telling me, "No, you can't be." Right after the sex (or attempt at sex), I said, "I told you." She was dead silent. I left soon after.
It was the supreme irony that, after having penetrated a woman, I had gained no sexual confidence.

I've come to the conclusion that sex is key to keeping a woman, by proving the opposite. I've never been in a relationship for over two weeks. Oddly enough, the last girl I dated turned into a ***** because I refused her. Here's that story:
http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=47699

Is it disingenuous to act like a lion at the club, and a mouse in the bedroom? I think so.

 

[alboh]

A guy called dig it posted some great advice here: http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=50153

...which helped me alot in my mindset towards sex. Check it out (you'll have to scroll down a bit to find it).

 

[Dirtheart]

I think it's important not to think to yourself "I'm inexperienced". Just think "I'm getting lucky!"

It really is important that you think you are in control.

When I was with someone some time ago, I had a problem getting it up one night (a lot of anxiety on my mind), so I spent an hour simply kissing her body. She reached an orgasm, and later admitted that it totally amazed her, as it was not only so good, but it was the first time she'd ever climaxed without sex.

Well, I felt like an absolute sex god. But the truth is, I had no idea what I was doing; I was nervous and trying to buy some time, yet she thought I was in total control and that I was teasing her all the time. I bluffed it.

I've added that trick to my repetoire now and it works most times.