Getting over shyness/learning social skills

[Blackhole105]

Well, this last week i had an epiphany. It was the last week of finals at my college I finally got a chance to talk to this cool girl I've been crushing on for a while but never had the balls to talk to. Turns out that she's a friend of my friend and we all ended up smoking together on Monday. While we were hanging out something just clicked in my brain. At first I was only attracted to her physically (as I've never talked to her before this point), but now I got to see her personality. I thought: "she's so cool, smart, funny, mature,etc.", "this is type of girl I want to be with." Well anyway my friend leaves to take a final and me and the girl talked for a bit, before she went to type a paper in the library.

Anyway, I think it finally hit me on the drive home, "she's the type of girl I need to be with to be in a happy relationship." Before I thought she was cute, but that's nothing new; I think a lot of girls are cute. It was her personality that made me think she's be a really great gf. The only thing holding me back was realizing that I'd never have that chance if I didn't get over my shyness and poor social skills around people.

I just got out of a 7 month relationship with a girl who really did nothing for me personality wise (as the others before/after her), because that's all I've had up to that point I thought most girls were like that. This new girl really just made me realize that there are "right" people for a person, and "wrong" people for a person. I never knew that before, and I certainly have never been with a "right" person.

I saw her again at school on friday, and we had a nice conversation before she had to go take her last final. I was pretty sure she was giving me some IOI's the most obvious being that when she left she asked me if I had a myspace, and I after I said I didn't she kinda stood there for a second then said we'd see each other again and left. I was definitely kicking myself for not asking for a number, but we have a mutual friend so it isn't impossible to get her number and I'll probably ask my friend for it if I ever get over this siht.

So basically I get anxious and flustered around "cool" people, and girls I truley like (I guess I never really "liked" my ex which is why it was easy to date her). And am extremely self-conscious about myself, the only reason the conversation with her on friday was "nice" is because I was stoned and had no inhibition during the conversation. When I give speeches or talk to people that intimidate me (at least 75% of people) I blush and start sweating which makes continuing the speech/conversation very difficult because my mind is preoccupied with the blushing and sweating.

I need to make some new friends first of all. I have a nice handful already, but I'm ashamed to admit at least half of them are my friends. I think I only hangout with them because there's no one else and I'm not anxious around them. I get invited to hangout with "cool" people now and then, but I always fcuk it up be being quiet and nervous, and I always wait for them to call me and never call them.

I hope this recent incident motivates me to go through with this finally, but the purpose of this post is to get some tips, and/or experiences from some of the posters. Some preliminary steps I've taken in the last month are going to the gym regularly and im trying to eat healthier. I also plan to make an appointment with my doctor tommorow and get some meds that may help me (I'm not looking for a cure, just something that will help me help myself).

Anyway, I appreciate any help offered...this is the longest and most personal post I've ever made so I guess that's a step in the right direction

 

[ima str8 up pimp]

read my post... there's nothing wrong with you, consider your close friends and family, someone is not letting you feel welcome or yourself, someone told you you couldnt... you're fine just be you, buy you some nice things for yourself. let your confidence grow. find your problem and solve it.

 

[ima str8 up pimp]

by the way... all those"I" statements? that means social acceptance... I know I'm right... so do what you've got to.

 

[ima str8 up pimp]

lastly, noone is "cooler" than you... dont get that inferiority complex going... everyone has their own story, you're just at your low... so save yourself... someone is blackballing you... find and fix...

 

[Social_disturbance]

If you really want to learn good social skills you should go out and meet new people a couple nights a week. Also, join a public speaking group like Toastmasters. If you're competent at speaking in front of groups of people, talking to a girl will be a piece of cake.

 

[Blackhole105]

Well I made an appointment with my doctor on wensday; hopefully he can help me out.

There's also a toastmasters meeting in the area this week that I think I will check out aswell.

Thanks to everyone who posted advice

 

[ItsOnNow]

This sounds like a problem I have always had,negative voice,lazyness,lack of self confidence. I need help.

 

[Blackhole105]

I didn't get any meds prescribed from the doctor because he said I just have mild anxiety, which I agree with, but he did recommend consuling as a help. I think I will follow up with that and talk to a psychologist.

Unfortunately I didn't make it to the Toast Masters meeting (couldn't find it) I guess I'll look up a meeting early next week...

 

[everywomanshero]

Toast Masters is good if you stick with it for at least a few months. Public speaking skills will never hurt you for career or everyday life.

If you want counseling for shyness/social skills, you will probably want to find someone who is knowledgable in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which is currently very much in vogue as it has proven effective in only a few weeks of training. There is also some brain scan evidence to suggest that CBT produces some of the same effects as medication(SSRIs) in regard to looping circuits (see Helen Fisher's work for details) and the effects may be longer lasting than medication. However, NAMI recommends both medication and CBT based counseling as the best strategy for treatment of generalized anxiety and social anxiety. There are also humanistic and many other approaches if you want to talk out your feelings and such, but I suspect this is not the case thus I mention the above. Best Wishes!