Getting over past wounds

[TheFixer14]

I was wondering if anyone else has an issue with this?

I was re watching this anime Neon Genesis Evangelion and these two girls in the show were talking about the main protagonist and how no one calls him and he doesn't have friends. One woman said that somewhere along the way that the guy became a coward in part of heart due to a past wound. So he didn't really want to interact with other people because he would get hurt. She then said that a hedgehog may want to get close to another hedgehog, but their spikes might hit each other. Humans are the same way, they might want to get near each other. But they end up hurting each other. So they have to find a way to get close, but at a distance.

First off, that is beautiful dialogue. Secondly, while I am not as bad as the main protagonist as I do have some friends and people text and call me here and there, I am weary of interacting with people as of late. Mostly women who don't fit squarely in "my type".

Part of it is good. Why get hurt for no reason? But there also has to be a way to do it from a distance. I don't care what anyone says, you will always care a little bit about what others think. The only thing that you can do is have other things that you are more worried about and let it go. If you truly don't get a fvck then you are not human.

I guess I am not sure what I am trying to say here. But I want to find a way to not let all of my bad experiences affect my future. And to silence that inner voice in my head minus when I write scripts.. I feel like it would help me in all avenues in my life.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Intuition. Always try to figure why you did something that doesn't logically make sense. Be your own therapist in a sense. I do this. If for example I am mad over something miniscule and don't know why, I ask myself why. Now let's say that my parents bothered me in the morning but I didn't really think I was mad about it. The fact of the matter is, they must have done something to get me a little more emotionally vulnerable to where something small was eventually the straw that broke the camel's back.

Another example, I am irritated with my mother as of late, tensions blew and our relations wered severed for a while. I refuse to say sorry to her because then I would lose respect for and ultimately hate myself. I figure I would hate the cause of my grief, frustration, anger, etc. rather than myself. Things have gotten better, but I still hate being around her sometimes. This actually happened yesterday. I wondered to myself why is her very presence angering me even though our last fight was about a month ago and tensions have eased up some? Well because I was in the kitchen wanting to look for something to make and then I was watching youtube videos while I was eating. She grinds up coffee beans herself and the noise was super loud, she assumes I don't clean up after myself, and wants to eat the food that I made. All these just seem like simple annoyances, they shouldn't make me have to force an intense rage away. Well let's delve deeper into the issue...

My mother loves her coffee like heroin addict loves heroin (she said this herself), or as my dad said, like how a crackhead loves their crack. When I was young, she used to get super amped up on coffee and go absolutely ballistic. Some parents are alcoholics, my mother's alcohol was coffee. She loves her coffee more than her kids, and if you take away her coffee machine, she will wish deatg on you (she said that to me and my brother several times throughout our lives). She doesn't want to quit either. She used to abuse us while high off the caffeine that coffee gave her, and withdrawal made her also abuse us.
Now assuming I won't clean up after myself bothered me because it shows that she still thinks of me as that same helpless wimpy fvcking loser ass kid I used to be from the age of 7 - 12, and her image of me is still the same. I'm turning 18 on Friday, and I'm still an 11 year old in her eyes. It reminds me of how she showed me this 5 or 6 year old refugee crying because his dad is dead and said he looked like me, just because the picture was that of an extrenely distraught crying little boy. So yeah, she still thinks I haven't gone through puberty yet.
Now the food she wants to eat is something I made. She is my mother, she needs to cook. I watched Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 over the weekend, the old ones. I saw how Peter Parker's aunt made him breakfast and even kept his dinner warm for him in the oven. My mom hasn't consistently made dinner for me since I was 12. The last time she made me breakfast was when I was 5 or 6, or somewhere around there. But the movie wasn't what bothered me, it just made me wonder how it would be like to live in a 'perfect' world. What bothered me was that she wants to eat my food when she doesn't even want to make her own and when it should have been her duty to make food for her family when I was younger.

So this is a long example and partially a vent lol, but you see the how I was introspective enough to seek out why her very presence angered me? All of the above symbolized something deeper than it may have initially. And as such, I subconsciously still resented her. Become aware of your subconscious. Knowing why you feel the way you feel should be enough to help you figure out what you can do to fix it. For me, I realized that I resented her because she almost always gave me bad feelings, and as such I associated her with these bad feelings which explains why her very presence was irritating; operant conditioning. The best thing for me to do is to stay away from her because she keeps making me vulnerable. I don't let anyone into my heart anymore, but the thing is she is my mother and was with me from when I was a little kid, aka when I WAS vulnerable. She impacted me forever. While I am no longer vulnerable, her presence today is still linked with that past version of me that was once vulnerable. So when she is near me or when I communicate with her, she resurrects part of my former self that was vulnerable and weak long ago. All I can do is try to avoid her as much as possible and as evil as this sounds, waut for her death. A part of me will forever exist within her and I cannot truly get rid of it uless she is out of my life forever.

For you it may be a different case. Figure out what it is that has caused you to become the way that you currently are. Then you can find a solution from there.