"The Kiss of Death Mistake"
You replay the conversation at 2 a.m. She texted back fast yesterday. Today, nothing. Was that smile friendly or flirty? What did the shoulder touch mean?
Every hour you spend decoding her signals drains your confidence and hands her the controls. Women can sense that insecurity from across the room — and it repels them.
One of the "22 Rules" kills the obsession on the spot: assume she likes you, and act accordingly. Sounds too simple. Works anyway.
Her interest tends to rise to meet your expectations. Psychologists call it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Getting over a heartbreak
- Thread starter SecondHalf
- Start date
"You'll Never Feel READY to Walk Over"
Next Monday you'll feel more confident. After the gym you'll feel more confident. After one more drink you'll feel more confident. After you get a better haircut, a better jacket, a better job.
You've been "getting ready" for two years.
She's standing ten feet away right now. She'll be gone in four minutes. No amount of preparation will manufacture the courage that only comes from moving your feet.
Walk over. Stumble through the first sentence. Let it be clumsy. Let it be imperfect. You will feel more alive in those ten seconds than you have all month.
SecondHalf
Master Don Juan
I understand the way it sounds, I'm not worried about the item, I'm more worried about the string it represents.AlphaWhiskey said:
The stupid shop vac is keeping me hopeful that she'll want to talk when she returns it, or is sitting on it hoping that I'll eventually call and we'll talk. This kind of hopeful talk makes me want to drive a pencil in my ear.
If everything was 100% done, I think it would help.
So I guess I'll change the question, do women leave little doors open to come snooping now and then after they dump their partner? and what should we do about it.
SH
Gro0ver
Senior Don Juan
Yes, they just love a bit of drama and to try to keep some kind of contact. Most of all they want to know if they still have any hold on you at all. Just like us they like to think of themselves as irreplacable.SecondHalf said:
Ignore and forget the stupid shop vac. Don't be chump, you're doing well, why do you want to set yourself back?SecondHalf said:
You're clearly not ready to see her again so don't. You're still in rehab and might be for awhile. Seeing her to get a shop vac is not the path to progress, it's the path to relapse.
SecondHalf
Master Don Juan
Thanks, smart.
I had a bit of an epiphany this morning regarding this huge loss I feel.
I'm exploring the fact that I didn't love this woman as much I loved being in love.
Should this turn out to be true, it could prove to be a major turning point for me (as it explains volumes).
It would certainly make things easier to see this woman for what she was and forget about her.
Would also serve me greatly on de-chumping whilst in a relationship.
I will be in another relationship, but never just one. Not for a long time.
Thoughts?
SH
I had a bit of an epiphany this morning regarding this huge loss I feel.
I'm exploring the fact that I didn't love this woman as much I loved being in love.
Should this turn out to be true, it could prove to be a major turning point for me (as it explains volumes).
It would certainly make things easier to see this woman for what she was and forget about her.
Would also serve me greatly on de-chumping whilst in a relationship.
I will be in another relationship, but never just one. Not for a long time.
Thoughts?
SH
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
I thought the exact same thing after my break-up (about 5 months ago) and now I'm seeing this other girl almost exclusively. Not even because we had the "Talk", simply because it's so much easier logistically (I work a lot and doing a masters program), because she's on the pill (that's huge for me, I hate condoms), and because she's one of those rare girls I can connect with on more than a personal level.SecondHalf said:
So go ahead, do the single guy thing, but leave your mental options open, you never know where life takes you...
SecondHalf
Master Don Juan
Uggh, I'm losing my resolve to maintain NC.
Somebody yell at me, list why I should not as your head will be clear.
Sh
Somebody yell at me, list why I should not as your head will be clear.
Sh
Cut your finger instead of calling her!
Your best move is to do nothing! She dumped you, now let her see she lost you!
It is difficult, it may take a while and tons of patience, but you are making yourself valuable not contacting her!! And loosing all your good effort in a moment is not an option!!
Do anything else, and believe it`s going to be good for you in a not so distant future!
Your best move is to do nothing! She dumped you, now let her see she lost you!
It is difficult, it may take a while and tons of patience, but you are making yourself valuable not contacting her!! And loosing all your good effort in a moment is not an option!!
Do anything else, and believe it`s going to be good for you in a not so distant future!
SoSuave666
Master Don Juan
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NC is what is going to make your life easier. You are clamoring to the hope that she still harbors feelings for you. Hope is a very dangerous emotion. She dumped you. She doesn't want you. The only way she will realize her mistake is by missing you to the point where she cannot take it. If she never gets to that point, it wasn't worth your trouble anyway.
On the flip side, you are free now. You have no attachment to this woman. Go to a baseball game; hit the bar; hang out with friends; fap to your favorite porn on the big screen TV as loud as you want. The world is open to you now; it's up to you to take advantage of it.
On the flip side, you are free now. You have no attachment to this woman. Go to a baseball game; hit the bar; hang out with friends; fap to your favorite porn on the big screen TV as loud as you want. The world is open to you now; it's up to you to take advantage of it.
Gro0ver
Senior Don Juan
Haha i'm in exactly the same position dude, agree about condoms as well, didn't use them for the whole duration of my 9 year LTR and now i'm just hopeless with emdrak_ool said:
I said i wouldn't get into another relationship quickly but you gotta go with the flow.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
SecondHalf
Master Don Juan
I won't cave.
Feck!
It's the void.
When you have someone in the background, especially one you were planning a future with, then nothing, you have this huge void.
What this tells me is that I stopped taking care of myself and rather devoted all my disposable energies into this woman.
Then when she's gone, I've been halved.
I can never let this happen again.
I doubt she'll ever cave, or return that retarded shop vac, but if she does, it will do me a pile of good to have the opportunity to reject her if she wants to try again.
Even thinking "she wants to try again" bothers me.
Who am I kidding, this is the second time the 7WAT dropped me.
Uggh!
SH
Feck!
It's the void.
When you have someone in the background, especially one you were planning a future with, then nothing, you have this huge void.
What this tells me is that I stopped taking care of myself and rather devoted all my disposable energies into this woman.
Then when she's gone, I've been halved.
I can never let this happen again.
I doubt she'll ever cave, or return that retarded shop vac, but if she does, it will do me a pile of good to have the opportunity to reject her if she wants to try again.
Even thinking "she wants to try again" bothers me.
Who am I kidding, this is the second time the 7WAT dropped me.
Uggh!
SH
TonyBaloney
Senior Don Juan
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Hi Secondhalf,
Please take a look at some of my posts; I had a difficult on/off 3.5 year relationship with a nut job. Although I've been, and slightly am, tempted, 7 months down the road apiece, i havent done it. I must say that its helped get my pride back in the aftermath, that i stated clearly that i never want her to contact me ever again, nor to see her, nor speak to her. Although i would love too, shes just too messed up. I'm a regular guy, but shes from the `elite` and there are just too many problems. I coulda worked thru them, but after THREE attempts, i realize that this has been a long waste of time. Get your balls out - I'd say contact her and ask her for the vac. Keep sending texts about that till she responds, and once she responds, tell her that you had an affair, your grateful that she ended it as you were going to anyway, and that for HER sake and for not hurting HER, you 100% want absolutely NO CONTACT ever again in any way, text, speak meet.
This is the painful way, but the only way. At least you will get your pride back and leave the `lady` feeling like **** - you can then re-feel your masculinity and go ahead.
Good luck buddy - i'm thinkin of ya - never forget your not the only one, not the first, not the last............
Please take a look at some of my posts; I had a difficult on/off 3.5 year relationship with a nut job. Although I've been, and slightly am, tempted, 7 months down the road apiece, i havent done it. I must say that its helped get my pride back in the aftermath, that i stated clearly that i never want her to contact me ever again, nor to see her, nor speak to her. Although i would love too, shes just too messed up. I'm a regular guy, but shes from the `elite` and there are just too many problems. I coulda worked thru them, but after THREE attempts, i realize that this has been a long waste of time. Get your balls out - I'd say contact her and ask her for the vac. Keep sending texts about that till she responds, and once she responds, tell her that you had an affair, your grateful that she ended it as you were going to anyway, and that for HER sake and for not hurting HER, you 100% want absolutely NO CONTACT ever again in any way, text, speak meet.
This is the painful way, but the only way. At least you will get your pride back and leave the `lady` feeling like **** - you can then re-feel your masculinity and go ahead.
Good luck buddy - i'm thinkin of ya - never forget your not the only one, not the first, not the last............
Desdinova
Master Don Juan
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When it happens to me, I make some sort of change in my life. New clothes, new hair, lose weight, basically anything that makes me feel like I'm on a new path in life.
Next, go find a woman to rebound with. That will also help you get a sense of 'moving on'. You don't need to be attracted to her, just use her for the attention and company until you get sick of her. NEVER keep your rebound girlfriend around because chances are she's a lousy match for you.
It all takes time. Keep yourself busy and any emotions you feel for her will eventually fade.
As for love, I wouldn't say that it's not worth it. Without feeling it for someone you're just going to feel lost and empty. What you need to realize is that you CAN recover from a heartbreak and CAN find another woman just as good or even better.
After my first fiancée left me, I decided to never feel like that for another woman ever. I didn't even feel that way for the woman I married. Now for the first time in over ten years, I'm finally feeling it again for the girl I'm currently with. It feels great. However, I'm much more aware of what makes women unattracted to men, so I'm avoiding doing anything stupid like putting her on a pedestal, becoming needy, etc. I'm making sure I maintain my masculinity, my confidence, and my self-esteem. If she decides to move on, I'll be able to find someone else.
One word of warning: when you find suddenly out of a LTR, you're gonna be a little bit fvcked up in some way. It inevitable. Whatever oddball behaviors surface will eventually go away. When I kicked out my ex-wife, I found myself incredibly needy for women. I was NEVER this way, but it drove me fvcking crazy. It leveled out after about 6 months.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck on your new path of life. You'll do fine. Getting your ass in gear to start your new journey is the hard part.
...and go buy a new shop vac so she has no excuse to contact you.
Next, go find a woman to rebound with. That will also help you get a sense of 'moving on'. You don't need to be attracted to her, just use her for the attention and company until you get sick of her. NEVER keep your rebound girlfriend around because chances are she's a lousy match for you.
It all takes time. Keep yourself busy and any emotions you feel for her will eventually fade.
When you date lots of women, you find out that they're all pretty much the same with varying degrees of baggage. It's difficult to fall in love with all these damaged women while knowing you can get a better one somewhere else.
As for love, I wouldn't say that it's not worth it. Without feeling it for someone you're just going to feel lost and empty. What you need to realize is that you CAN recover from a heartbreak and CAN find another woman just as good or even better.
After my first fiancée left me, I decided to never feel like that for another woman ever. I didn't even feel that way for the woman I married. Now for the first time in over ten years, I'm finally feeling it again for the girl I'm currently with. It feels great. However, I'm much more aware of what makes women unattracted to men, so I'm avoiding doing anything stupid like putting her on a pedestal, becoming needy, etc. I'm making sure I maintain my masculinity, my confidence, and my self-esteem. If she decides to move on, I'll be able to find someone else.
One word of warning: when you find suddenly out of a LTR, you're gonna be a little bit fvcked up in some way. It inevitable. Whatever oddball behaviors surface will eventually go away. When I kicked out my ex-wife, I found myself incredibly needy for women. I was NEVER this way, but it drove me fvcking crazy. It leveled out after about 6 months.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck on your new path of life. You'll do fine. Getting your ass in gear to start your new journey is the hard part.
...and go buy a new shop vac so she has no excuse to contact you.
SecondHalf
Master Don Juan
Good replies all.
Desdinova, changing my appearance I can do a little. I need to hit the gym again, but short of that there is little I can change.
I'd love to rebound to another woman, but have none at my disposal right now. When you've done this, where to you find one.
I don't imagine the woman will contact me. She will return the vac on my doorstep and leave. I'll likely never speak with her again.
I have thoughts of sending her a letter/email asking if we're just being stubborn and stupid, but that will only make the withdraw easier for her, and frankly, I've given enough.
The void is what's killing me. It has really opened my eyes on just how deep I let this woman in. Never in life has this ever happened. I suppose it was because she was so much different than my ex-wife of 14 years I let my guard down ... completely.
If it wasn't for my 14 year old that I'm a single father of, I'm not sure I would have bothered trying to cope. These thoughts alone have kicked me into action on at least asking for help (never been good at that).
Right now I'm taking these Lorazepam tranks, which I think are just prolonging the heal. They did get me through a very difficult weekend but I'm still munching the little mood candies. Hate them though, turn the body to mush.
The other thing I'm avoiding at all costs is alcohol. It was alcohol that caused me to lose control and bring this to a head in the first place. I do think this was inevitable though.
Sure hope the majority of this pain passes soon, it's effecting my work in a nasty way.
SH
Desdinova, changing my appearance I can do a little. I need to hit the gym again, but short of that there is little I can change.
I'd love to rebound to another woman, but have none at my disposal right now. When you've done this, where to you find one.
I don't imagine the woman will contact me. She will return the vac on my doorstep and leave. I'll likely never speak with her again.
I have thoughts of sending her a letter/email asking if we're just being stubborn and stupid, but that will only make the withdraw easier for her, and frankly, I've given enough.
The void is what's killing me. It has really opened my eyes on just how deep I let this woman in. Never in life has this ever happened. I suppose it was because she was so much different than my ex-wife of 14 years I let my guard down ... completely.
If it wasn't for my 14 year old that I'm a single father of, I'm not sure I would have bothered trying to cope. These thoughts alone have kicked me into action on at least asking for help (never been good at that).
Right now I'm taking these Lorazepam tranks, which I think are just prolonging the heal. They did get me through a very difficult weekend but I'm still munching the little mood candies. Hate them though, turn the body to mush.
The other thing I'm avoiding at all costs is alcohol. It was alcohol that caused me to lose control and bring this to a head in the first place. I do think this was inevitable though.
Sure hope the majority of this pain passes soon, it's effecting my work in a nasty way.
SH
SoSuave666
Master Don Juan
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It's very easy on here for people to say "time heals all wounds" or some variation of the sort. In reality, one day you will be one of the people quoting that very line to someone else on here. I think for most of the people who come here it takes a real heartbreak to begin the transition into manliness, alpha, what have you. For some people it happens early in life, others it may happen later. All that matters is what happens after your experience. You can't change the past, but you sure as hell can make it a driving factor towards a better future. Get back up, dust yourself off, enjoy other things in life. You'll be fine.
"So, What Do You Do for Fun?"
She asks it casually, mid-sip. And you feel the floor open up, because the honest answer is work, gym, and a couple shows you're half-watching.
Women rarely say this out loud, but a man with a life is attractive before he says a word. The guy who spent Saturday deep-sea fishing and came back with photos and a story — he walks in already interesting.
The "22 Rules" pushed me to build a life worth talking about. Turns out the fastest way to be interesting to women is to be interested in your own life first.
Desdinova
Master Don Juan
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The gym is long term. Find something quick. Get some new duds, new shoes, if you have piercings, get some new jewelry to put in them. The change doesn't have to be great, it just has to help you cope with change.SecondHalf said:
Wherever the hell I can. Bars are a good place to find them. It's not difficult to find a fatty who's willing to take off her panties for you. Yeah, she may not be your type, but she's just filling a void for now. You're in even better shape if you find an attractive one who's psycho.
A word of warning: Getting rid of your rebound chick might be difficult!
I wouldn't count on getting the vacuum back. My ex-fiancee from 11 years ago was going to give me $1000 to help me pay off some of my credit card debt. She was also going to give back some of the Christmas ornaments she accidentally took. I'm still waiting for all that 5hit. Just go buy a new fvcking vacuum. If she happens to bring your old one back, return the new one.
When I cut contact with a woman, I cut my losses too. If she's got stuff of mine at her place, I write it off. I've lost a few things over the years, but IMO it's not worth contacting her to get those things back. It just prolongs the ending of the relationship to the degree where you end up hating each other. I'd rather have my ex's remember me fondly.
SecondHalf
Master Don Juan
Fatty eh?
haha, that likely won't do. I can barely get it up for one. Just soooo doesn't do it for me.
Now a crazy, that would be better. Problem is, I'd likely fall for her in my weakened state. At 49, the bar scene is a little outlandish to me. There were massive layoffs at the company I work for and some of the victims were quite boinkable and I have them on linked in. Likely do that.
Right now my biggest challenge is filling the void. Once that gets filled (with whatever - hopefully just me), I'll never let a woman in so deeply.
My biggest mistake was I allowed myself to trust this woman completely. I thought she was as honorable as I (a diamond in the rough) and was completely safe dropping all guards. This was the stupidest assumption I've ever made, and will never make it again.
If I can just find some inner peace, then I'll be fine.
I have so much renovation work I could do on my home, augment my business (want to get out of the service side of life - want to sell my property rather than my brain).
Also, it's this huge, massive depression that I need to fix. It's such a burden!
SH
haha, that likely won't do. I can barely get it up for one. Just soooo doesn't do it for me.
Now a crazy, that would be better. Problem is, I'd likely fall for her in my weakened state. At 49, the bar scene is a little outlandish to me. There were massive layoffs at the company I work for and some of the victims were quite boinkable and I have them on linked in. Likely do that.
Right now my biggest challenge is filling the void. Once that gets filled (with whatever - hopefully just me), I'll never let a woman in so deeply.
My biggest mistake was I allowed myself to trust this woman completely. I thought she was as honorable as I (a diamond in the rough) and was completely safe dropping all guards. This was the stupidest assumption I've ever made, and will never make it again.
If I can just find some inner peace, then I'll be fine.
I have so much renovation work I could do on my home, augment my business (want to get out of the service side of life - want to sell my property rather than my brain).
Also, it's this huge, massive depression that I need to fix. It's such a burden!
SH
Desdinova
Master Don Juan
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I found that was impossible because she couldn't compare to the LTR. The first girl I dated after I ended my marriage was a hot psycho. I've never seen a woman in her late 30s with such a fantastic body and stellar looks. I thought I'd end up falling for her. I ended up getting so sick of her 5hit that I dumped her off during one of her pissy-mood-fests and never saw her again.
There's a lot of lousy women out there. The chance that you're going to find someone worthy of another LTR with right away is pretty low. Just start dating multiple women regardless of their looks or appearance. You could probably use the experience anyway. If you don't like any of them, you're free to dump them.
When I ended my marriage, all the single women I had on Facebook came out of the woodwork. I had a nice stream of women that I could date, and I DID date a couple of them. None of them were worthy of keeping though.
This relationship 5hit takes time to recover from. Keep yourself busy and date some women. You don't have to get emotionally involved with them, just get out there and have some fun with them. It is VERY possible to enjoy the company of women you're not attracted to. You can even be just friends with them if you want. It's your life, make it work for you!
SecondHalf
Master Don Juan
Closure - sort of ...
So today I return home to find my stupid shop vac and another bag of my things on my front porch.
Not a note or a thank you.
I'm a little raw about it.
Damn that woman must hate me, don't know why, said how much she loved me only 10 days ago.
I'm really going to have to take this Don Juan stuff a little more serious from this point forward.
It's completely against my nature (or more likely conditioning) to not treat someone to the best of my abilities.
Gaming, has it come to that for me? At 49?
A sad conclusion, but a necessary one I suppose.
SH
So today I return home to find my stupid shop vac and another bag of my things on my front porch.
Not a note or a thank you.
I'm a little raw about it.
Damn that woman must hate me, don't know why, said how much she loved me only 10 days ago.
I'm really going to have to take this Don Juan stuff a little more serious from this point forward.
It's completely against my nature (or more likely conditioning) to not treat someone to the best of my abilities.
Gaming, has it come to that for me? At 49?
A sad conclusion, but a necessary one I suppose.
SH
"You'll Never Feel READY to Walk Over"
Next Monday you'll feel more confident. After the gym you'll feel more confident. After one more drink you'll feel more confident. After you get a better haircut, a better jacket, a better job.
You've been "getting ready" for two years.
She's standing ten feet away right now. She'll be gone in four minutes. No amount of preparation will manufacture the courage that only comes from moving your feet.
Walk over. Stumble through the first sentence. Let it be clumsy. Let it be imperfect. You will feel more alive in those ten seconds than you have all month.