getting involved with a female friend

[s10sleeper]

about a year ago I ran into a girl that I knew about 8 to 10 years ago and used to party with. Turned out she was friends with my girlfriend at the time so I got back into talking with her on rare occasions.

Anyways, here it is, about a year later, I broke up with the girl that I was seeing about 9 months ago and have still been keeping in contact with this girl. I have always been rather interested in her, but she has always had a tendency to go after guys about 5 - 10 years older than her, due to her theory that they are more stable, I am 26 and she is 27. About 4 days ago she gave me a call out of the blue just to talk, which she has never done in the past, all of our other run ins were out of coincidence.

Last night I talked to her online since while on the phone the other day she gave me her IM, and asked her if she felt like getting together for a couple of beers and a movie, and she thought it sounded like a great idea, so I went over there and joined her and her kids.

I stopped by to talk to her today, and part of our conversation got to talking about my ex and how mad she was that I went over there, which brought up the dreaded term when she said she didn't know what her problem was since we were just friends and have known each other forever. I don't know what to think or what moves to make, as I would definitely like to get together with her, but I worry about the whole LJBF thing. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[joekerr31]

you know, advice on here is generally based on generalities.

but sometimes doing the exact opposite of what the rules say to do can be beneficial. think of it like playing the stock market. most of the advice says buy low and sell high if you want to make money. but sometimes, its best to buy high and sell even higher. hehe. it does happen.

anyway, when friends with a chic first, the best strategy i think is not to "game" her, or to try and peak her IL. all of those tactics are based on short circuiting the "trust" filter - sparking interest to such a point that she doesn't think about whether she can trust you or not.

in this scenario, because she knows you, she likely trusts you. all you have to do is reinforce that trust and take it to the next level.

and that is very simple to do. simply ask her "would you like to go on a date sometime?"

use the word "date". trust me, she will understand what this means.

if you try to game the situation you'll create cognitive dissonance in her. she'll think 'heres this guy i trust acting all strange. i wonder if i can really trust her."

generally being unpredictable is a good thing. in this situation being upfront and predictable is what will give you the best shot.

 

[s10sleeper]

Thank you for the advice, I will definitely listen to it, my only concern with the whole issue is that I know the types of guys that she has dated in the past, and they have all been older than me or her. I guess one of my biggest issues is just a problem with confidence. All I really need to do is give it a try, the worst that can happen is she will say no, not that we couldn't still be friends

 

[Oldboy]

1. Don't be too available. You're a valuable and scarce commodity. She's shown interest, but if she sees you come running every time she calls, it'll turn her off. Make her work to see you, and she'll value you more.
2. Don't be her crying pillow. If you become her therapist, you're in Just Friends City.
3. Kino. I'm guessing there wasn't much on your last date. Touching is magic. If you do it right, and if she gets into it, she'll start thinking about you two together in compromising positions. If she starts saying, "Hey, what are you doing?" then you know for sure you're in the friend zone.
4. Be prepared to walk away. If she's not into you, she's not. But if you steel yourself to reject her, this will make you more attractive. And if you do have the guts walk away, that may cause her to chase you.

I was in a similar situation not too long ago - on the fence between the friend and lover zone with a girl I'd know for awhile (though not for years like in your situation). I kino'd her at a party, she returned it, and (luckily) it got the ball rolling in the right direction.

However, if that hadn't happened, I was planning to make a direct statement of my intentions, and let her know the next time we met in person what I wanted. "You know this friends thing isn't going to work." "Why?" "Because when I'm with you, I keep thinking about kissing you." And then take her hand. Three ways it could go from there:

- She's into it and it's on. Good!
- She says maybe, she'll think about it. I would've said, "Think fast," or something like that, smiling but serious. Then wouldn't call her after, until she contacted me.
- She says she doesn't feel that way. Then I would've said it's too bad. "I imagined we'd kiss pretty well together." Etc. And ended the night shortly after that, no hug goodbye.

Sure you could lose her friendship - but you'd never be satisfied with just that. If you're too much of a nice guy, you've got no chance.

Good luck!

Oldboy

 

[joekerr31]

one of the hard parts in this situation is that in the ritual of picking a man, most women want a man who dominates them.

which is not to say treats them badly, but one who disregards them to some extent - ie. makes them WORK to get him.

when you are friends first it then becomes almost impossible to do this, because she knows you inside and out. more over, she can't use all her slutty technicques for peaking a guys IL, because you know her inside and out.

this is why when you are friends with a chic first its REALLY hard to turn it into something else. plus, chics would rather have 'friends' than a guy - they can get laid anytime they want, but 'friends' are hard for a chic to find.

really the only shot is to basically just throw it out there and see if it sticks.


whats usually more important in these situations is to assess whether you really are into her in that way. sounds silly, i know, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to deceive yourself.

i mean, when you think about her are you thinking "damn i want to f*ck her so bad", OR, are you thinking "you know, i think she would be an amazing addition to my life for the long run."

9 times otu of 10, fi you really think about it, somewhere along the line you had thoughts of what it would be like to f*ck your friend. and then curiosity continues to build and build and build until you THINK you are really in to HER - but truth is you just want to scratch that itch that's been building for a long time.

anyway, the question to ask yourself is whether scratching that itch is worth losing the friendship.

 

[Sinistar]

about a year ago I ran into a girl that I knew about 8 to 10 years ago and used to party with. Turned out she was friends with my girlfriend at the time so I got back into talking with her on rare occasions.

Anyways, here it is, about a year later, I broke up with the girl that I was seeing about 9 months ago and have still been keeping in contact with this girl. I have always been rather interested in her, but she has always had a tendency to go after guys about 5 - 10 years older than her, due to her theory that they are more stable, I am 26 and she is 27. About 4 days ago she gave me a call out of the blue just to talk, which she has never done in the past, all of our other run ins were out of coincidence.

Last night I talked to her online since while on the phone the other day she gave me her IM, and asked her if she felt like getting together for a couple of beers and a movie, and she thought it sounded like a great idea, so I went over there and joined her and her kids.

I stopped by to talk to her today, and part of our conversation got to talking about my ex and how mad she was that I went over there, which brought up the dreaded term when she said she didn't know what her problem was since we were just friends and have known each other forever. I don't know what to think or what moves to make, as I would definitely like to get together with her, but I worry about the whole LJBF thing. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Who is the prize here, you or her?

(Underlining to emphasize factual confusion, supplicative "wanting" tones and red flags regarding children and her assumption of friendship).

 

[WestCoaster]

Some good reading material:

http://www.sosuave.com/halloffame/hall45.htm

Also go to the "articles" link off the sosuave.com main page and look for escaping the friend zone.

It's good stuff and good for the soul!

 

[s10sleeper]

I had a rather interesting situation come about here over the past couple of days in this situation. I have been speaking with this gal on and off, basically whenever I have nothing better to do, and yesterday I got a call from my ex girlfriend inviting me over to this gals house for thanksgiving dinner.

Having no family around and since I had to work all day, I took them up on the offer and joined them. When I showed up there, my ex had not yet arrived, so I just chatted with my friend while she was getting dinner ready. Our conversation turned to some christmas parties that I have coming up in the near future, and she asked me if she could be my date for one of the parties. I went ahead and took her up on that offer, but basically made it sound like I had other dates for some of the other parties, mainly because I didn't want to tie myself down. Anyhow, when her kids started joking with her about the whole thing, she said we were just going as friends. I am hoping that things have not gotten to that point, unfortunately she happened to bring up something about me being to young for her when she was joking around with my father and he told her he wanted her to bear his grandchildren (hes a little bit of a pervert). Another thing that I am a little leary of is my ex and her have gotten back in touch with one another quite a bit lately.

 

[s10sleeper]

I've been getting some mixed signals frm this girl lately and don't know what to think. Awhile back I had brought up the fact that I had a holiday party for the company that I work for that I had to attend. Before I could even ask her if she wanted to go, she asked me if she could be my date.

That night went rather well, typical semi formal engagement, unfortunately I had to work early the next morning so we had to leave early. We showed up in separate vehicles and left in separate vehicles. She even asked about going to my next christmas party that I had going on during the weekend. But before we parted, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, not much but it is the first time she has ever kissed me and as we were parting she told me to call her.

That saturday I gave her a call in order to see if she had found a babysitter and to confirm the time to pick her up, unfortunately she had no luck as her babysitter backed out at the last moment and couldn't find another, so just kidding around with her I told her that she owed me a night out and she said she'd go out with me.

The mixed signals that I always get are that she has said something about another guy that she is seeing, and on a few occasions she brings up the fact that we are not dating, but when we are together, I have noticed on many occasions that we will lock eyes together for quite a period of time without even saying anything along with a few other positive things such as she has been more willing to sit closer to me and she tends to call me more often than I call her.

I may be over analyzing this, but, unfortunately I have been out of the game for a couple of years and a few months ago became single after being burned really bad, and for some reason I am real leary about approaching any women anymore, not sure why though. does anyone have any suggestions that would help?