Giovanni Casanova
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2002
- Messages
- 5,550
- Reaction score
- 18
- Age
- 47
- Location
- Hiding in Penkitten's Linen Closet
Here I go getting all psychological on you guys again, but oh well. It's been observed in numerous studies that people are motivated more by the risk of punishment or losing something than they are by the risk of reward or gaining something. We have already seen on some occasions how the proper understanding of this knowledge can help a DJ in his goals. Let's recap some of those things and add a few.
The Risk of Rejection
In its most simplified form, approaching any girl in the world will likely get you one of two results: a yes or a no. You'll either have her interest, get the digits, and potentially have mind-blowing sex, a great relationship, or any number of other positive events. Or, you might get rejected. Now, rejection is that possibility that every DJ must face, and in fact it is often the DJs that get rejected the most that are the most successful overall. Think of it this way: who is the better batter... the guy who goes up to bat only one time in his whole life and hits a homer, or the guy who hits 100 homers but also strikes out 100 times? If you had to put money on which guy would be able to hit a homer first, who would you bet on? The point is, when thinking about approaching women, guys will often give up tons of potential happiness so that they won't have to risk ten seconds of unpleasantness. How do we fix this? We think logically. We read the articles in the bible regarding rejection. We realize that it's not a big thing. And we innoculate ourselves by going out and literally TRYING to get rejected. Once you learn that the "punishment" isn't so bad, and put that in context with the potential upside, we can get rid of our fear of rejection.
Getting the Date
Too often we guys -- even the DJs -- think of asking a girl in terms of what she has to gain if she accepts. Now, that's all well and good, and obviously if she goes out with a DJ she stands to gain the pleasure of his company, a good time, entertainment, and if she's lucky, mind-blowing sex. We should alternatively think of asking a girl out in terms of what she stands to lose if she chooses not to go out with him. This will also put rejection in a new light (it's her loss, not yours) but it can be an effective way to ask a girl out. Certainly let her know what she stands to gain (a fun time, excitement), but also what she stands to lose. These two things are, in many ways, the same. Anything that she stands to gain by going out with you, she will lose if she chooses not to. What too many people do, then, is to highlight what she'll get ("We can go rollerblading on the boardwalk next Tuesday") instead of what she'll lose if she says no ("I know you're not going to want to lose the chance to go rollerblading on the boardwalk with me next Tuesday"). Notice that the same activity was implied, and while the first example was decent enough to snag you some dates, the second example added her implied acceptance "I know..." and included the possibility of a loss if that acceptance didn't occur. Just changing the structure of the way you ask a girl out will improve your chances of acceptance by probably 10-15%, which isn't too bad at all.
Keeping the Girl
Maybe you've done this before, and I know I have... you're in a relationship with someone, and something that seems to be better comes along. You might be able to "trade up" -- in other words, if you ditch your current relationship, you could get something much better. But your decision is often influenced not so much about how much you would gain by trading up, but how much you would lose if you ended your current relationship. If the relationship is worthless, that won't be much of a problem. But if you stand to lose something in the relationship, even if it's 1/10th of what you would gain by trading up, we often won't do it. Again, our discomfort with loss by far overrides our desire for gain. Thus, the way to keep a girl around is to maintain a relationship in which she would stand to lose something if she left, and subtly remind her of the potential for loss where appropriate. Don't constantly threaten to leave... but where opportunities present themselves, make it known that you have the willpower to walk away if necessary. I've had girls talk about situations that other couples found themselves in, and asking me how I would handle it. For example:
HER: Steve and Laura are having some problems. She was out with some friends and she got drunk and she ended up sleeping with some guy.
ME: Damn.
HER: Steve just got really pissed off and dumped her. Hopefully when he calms down he'll change his mind and take her back.
ME: Are you out of your mind?
HER: I talked to Laura and she's really upset. She was so sorry and I could tell that she was really ashamed of what she did. She didn't mean for it to happen like that. You would take her back if YOU were Steve, wouldn't you?
ME: Not a chance in hell.
By the way, if you ever find yourself having that conversation, put the red flags up. But I'm sure most everyone has had a conversation with their girlfriend where she wants to talk about the problems another couple is having and see what your reaction would be. Whenever possible, make sure she knows that you aren't afraid to walk away if necessary.
------------------
CASANOVA
"And he used to say, with a great deal of truth, that a good remedy would turn into poison in the hands of a fool, but that poison is a good remedy when administered by a learned man."
Jacques Casanova
"It was ridiculous, of course; but when does man cease to be so? We get rid of our vices more easily than of our follies."
Jacques Casanova
"This worthy lady inspired me with the deepest attachment, and she gave me the wisest advice. Had I followed it, and profited by it, my life would not have been exposed to so many storms; it is true that in that case, my life would not be worth writing."
Jacques Casanova
The Risk of Rejection
In its most simplified form, approaching any girl in the world will likely get you one of two results: a yes or a no. You'll either have her interest, get the digits, and potentially have mind-blowing sex, a great relationship, or any number of other positive events. Or, you might get rejected. Now, rejection is that possibility that every DJ must face, and in fact it is often the DJs that get rejected the most that are the most successful overall. Think of it this way: who is the better batter... the guy who goes up to bat only one time in his whole life and hits a homer, or the guy who hits 100 homers but also strikes out 100 times? If you had to put money on which guy would be able to hit a homer first, who would you bet on? The point is, when thinking about approaching women, guys will often give up tons of potential happiness so that they won't have to risk ten seconds of unpleasantness. How do we fix this? We think logically. We read the articles in the bible regarding rejection. We realize that it's not a big thing. And we innoculate ourselves by going out and literally TRYING to get rejected. Once you learn that the "punishment" isn't so bad, and put that in context with the potential upside, we can get rid of our fear of rejection.
Getting the Date
Too often we guys -- even the DJs -- think of asking a girl in terms of what she has to gain if she accepts. Now, that's all well and good, and obviously if she goes out with a DJ she stands to gain the pleasure of his company, a good time, entertainment, and if she's lucky, mind-blowing sex. We should alternatively think of asking a girl out in terms of what she stands to lose if she chooses not to go out with him. This will also put rejection in a new light (it's her loss, not yours) but it can be an effective way to ask a girl out. Certainly let her know what she stands to gain (a fun time, excitement), but also what she stands to lose. These two things are, in many ways, the same. Anything that she stands to gain by going out with you, she will lose if she chooses not to. What too many people do, then, is to highlight what she'll get ("We can go rollerblading on the boardwalk next Tuesday") instead of what she'll lose if she says no ("I know you're not going to want to lose the chance to go rollerblading on the boardwalk with me next Tuesday"). Notice that the same activity was implied, and while the first example was decent enough to snag you some dates, the second example added her implied acceptance "I know..." and included the possibility of a loss if that acceptance didn't occur. Just changing the structure of the way you ask a girl out will improve your chances of acceptance by probably 10-15%, which isn't too bad at all.
Keeping the Girl
Maybe you've done this before, and I know I have... you're in a relationship with someone, and something that seems to be better comes along. You might be able to "trade up" -- in other words, if you ditch your current relationship, you could get something much better. But your decision is often influenced not so much about how much you would gain by trading up, but how much you would lose if you ended your current relationship. If the relationship is worthless, that won't be much of a problem. But if you stand to lose something in the relationship, even if it's 1/10th of what you would gain by trading up, we often won't do it. Again, our discomfort with loss by far overrides our desire for gain. Thus, the way to keep a girl around is to maintain a relationship in which she would stand to lose something if she left, and subtly remind her of the potential for loss where appropriate. Don't constantly threaten to leave... but where opportunities present themselves, make it known that you have the willpower to walk away if necessary. I've had girls talk about situations that other couples found themselves in, and asking me how I would handle it. For example:
HER: Steve and Laura are having some problems. She was out with some friends and she got drunk and she ended up sleeping with some guy.
ME: Damn.
HER: Steve just got really pissed off and dumped her. Hopefully when he calms down he'll change his mind and take her back.
ME: Are you out of your mind?
HER: I talked to Laura and she's really upset. She was so sorry and I could tell that she was really ashamed of what she did. She didn't mean for it to happen like that. You would take her back if YOU were Steve, wouldn't you?
ME: Not a chance in hell.
By the way, if you ever find yourself having that conversation, put the red flags up. But I'm sure most everyone has had a conversation with their girlfriend where she wants to talk about the problems another couple is having and see what your reaction would be. Whenever possible, make sure she knows that you aren't afraid to walk away if necessary.
------------------
CASANOVA
"And he used to say, with a great deal of truth, that a good remedy would turn into poison in the hands of a fool, but that poison is a good remedy when administered by a learned man."
Jacques Casanova
"It was ridiculous, of course; but when does man cease to be so? We get rid of our vices more easily than of our follies."
Jacques Casanova
"This worthy lady inspired me with the deepest attachment, and she gave me the wisest advice. Had I followed it, and profited by it, my life would not have been exposed to so many storms; it is true that in that case, my life would not be worth writing."
Jacques Casanova
