Frustrations of a (very) late starter

[getBackUp]

Hi,

I am a very late starter at attempting to be successful at relationships, and no matter how hard I work on myself I keep coming back to this one thought:

Is it too late?
Is the way I was brought up too deep-seated?

I'll spare you the details of my life story, but I was brought up as an emotionally highly dependent nice guy, and when I moved out at the age of 24, I was so spineless I barely qualified as a mammal.

I worked as hard as I could to become self-confident and now I am working on two of my early dreams, getting better every day. But relationships are cursed. I started reading SoSuave recently, but had read a good deal of general self-help (7 habits, Think and Grow Rich, many more) a couple of years ago which helped. And still it is a massive psychological struggle to approach, rather than a habit. When I moved out, I was already a grad student, and I have very limited time to work on confidence, chicks, etc., because my life is busy now. Far too often I come back to it:

Is it too late?
Is the way I was brought up too deep-seated?

I try to be reasonable and push it at the back of my head, but it keeps coming back. The same abundant confidence that in my job everything will be great (and keep getting better), which is based on many small past successes - I just don't have it for relationships.

It's like work and girls are two different kinds of confident.




EDIT:
I just read the comments to Pook's Be A Man, and one stuck with me:

Pook is correct when he says a real man must focus on himself and his passions first. Out of this will arise a sense of self-mastery and self-actualization which will just radiate out of him. All unreasonable anger will have gone and he will be a chick magnet.

In the last couple of years, like never before, I have been feeling that I am following my passions, and with very small steps that sense of self-mastery keeps coming, too. I wonder where this radiates too? Perhaps I'm just being impatient and should chill and reconsider things a year from now.

 

[JaegerPilot217]

Hi,

I am a very late starter at attempting to be successful at relationships, and no matter how hard I work on myself I keep coming back to this one thought:

Is it too late?
Is the way I was brought up too deep-seated?

I'll spare you the details of my life story, but I was brought up as an emotionally highly dependent nice guy, and when I moved out at the age of 24, I was so spineless I barely qualified as a mammal.

I worked as hard as I could to become self-confident and now I am working on two of my early dreams, getting better every day. But relationships are cursed. I started reading SoSuave recently, but had read a good deal of general self-help (7 habits, Think and Grow Rich, many more) a couple of years ago which helped. And still it is a massive psychological struggle to approach, rather than a habit. When I moved out, I was already a grad student, and I have very limited time to work on confidence, chicks, etc., because my life is busy now. Far too often I come back to it:

Is it too late?
Is the way I was brought up too deep-seated?

I try to be reasonable and push it at the back of my head, but it keeps coming back. The same abundant confidence that in my job everything will be great (and keep getting better), which is based on many small past successes - I just don't have it for relationships.

It's like work and girls are two different kinds of confident.




EDIT:
I just read the comments to Pook's Be A Man, and one stuck with me:

In the last couple of years, like never before, I have been feeling that I am following my passions, and with very small steps that sense of self-mastery keeps coming, too. I wonder where this radiates too? Perhaps I'm just being impatient and should chill and reconsider things a year from now.

Reading something like this makes me have some regret

 

[getBackUp]

Reading something like this makes me have some regret

What are you regretting?

 

[getBackUp]

Just another recurring thought that I want to throw at you.

I am sure most of you read Kill that Desparation by Pook, where he defends this idea that what you think you are, i.e. if you think and act like Prince Charming, that's how chicks will see you.

In my experience, this is true as a psych-up technique. If you read that twice and then go out, you might keep up behaviour that seems attractive for a while, things like smiling, straight back, moving slowly, breathing deeply, speaking from a deep voice, eye contact - you will be that person superficially, but not from the inside.

However, I believe at its heart this is a psych-up technique. If the night goes bad, you will not feel like Prince Charming any longer. I believe true development and true success comes from many many repeated small successes, that got gradually bigger. This is why for me it is difficult to get grounded in the world of dating where I can not really build on much success. To get those first successes feels dark and scary as sh!t. But it has to be!

 

[GS750]

Put a profile on online dating site. Go on some dates. Chat face to face with some girls. Even if nothing materializes you still have some stuff to build on. I was a late bloomer too, but I got tired of being a nervous wreck around girls. So I did something about it.

 

[JaegerPilot217]

What are you regretting?

I regret not stepping out of my comfort zone more consistently earlier like in my teenage years or very early 20's, or I should have said yes to a few of the girls that made the first move on me, even though I wasn't that attracted to them looking back I feel it would have been better to settle just to get experience

 

[5string]

First of all, I'm not a big fan of Pook.

Why not just take a break from women for awhile? Concentrate on yourself for a bit.

There is always poon no matter your age.

 

[The Simple Man]

Sorry chump, but it is too late for you, and with the stupid theory you have in mind, your hand will be your only lover for the rest of your sorry life.

Have a nice day.

 

[adam225]

It's never too late to do anything in life > You are only as old as you THINK you are. The only time you're "too old" is when you're 6ft under - & when that time comes it won't matter anyway....

Life your life, drop those negative thoughts... You're only alive for so long so why not chose a positive and optimistic outlook ? There your thoughts at the end of the day, only YOU can change them... In two hundred years time they'll be nothing left of any of us and all those negative thoughts will be totally irrelevant - so start living your life NOW OP.

GET THE FVCK OUT THERE AND START ENJOYING YOURSELF.

 

[JaegerPilot217]

I was a late bloomer too. Impatience is a good thing, in fact that was what finally forced me out there to try to fix things. As far as whether there is hope, I know a guy who is 29 and a virgin and marrying another 29yr old virgin. He is very successful in business and eventually that success transferred over. Just make sure to not get attached to the first one that comes along once the women start inevitable pouring in.

How old were you when you first got a girlfriend/got laid? But yeah wow, a 29 year old virgin man finding a 29 year old virgin woman, a woman being a virgin at that age is the most shocking since usually if a woman is a virgin its because she chooses to be

 

[JaegerPilot217]

First of all, I'm not a big fan of Pook.

Why not just take a break from women for awhile? Concentrate on yourself for a bit.

There is always poon no matter your age.

true but we shouldn't waste our youth

 

[JaegerPilot217]

It's never too late to do anything in life > You are only as old as you THINK you are. The only time you're "too old" is when you're 6ft under - & when that time comes it won't matter anyway....

Life your life, drop those negative thoughts... You're only alive for so long so why not chose a positive and optimistic outlook ? There your thoughts at the end of the day, only YOU can change them... In two hundred years time they'll be nothing left of any of us and all those negative thoughts will be totally irrelevant - so start living your life NOW OP.

GET THE FVCK OUT THERE AND START ENJOYING YOURSELF.

"I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone?"

George Sodini said that, so basically there does come a time when it's too late to date those type of women

 

[user name]

"I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone?"

George Sodini said that, so basically there does come a time when it's too late to date those type of women

Fvck George Sodini.

I'm 40 and alone and I wouldn't have it any other way. I LOVE my own company. I think I'm pretty fvcking great company.

Maybe, MAYBE, if some girl comes along who can offer me better company than I am right now I'll reconsider, but otherwise....I'm quite happy doing my thing.

 

[JaegerPilot217]

Fvck George Sodini.

I'm 40 and alone and I wouldn't have it any other way. I LOVE my own company. I think I'm pretty fvcking great company.

Maybe, MAYBE, if some girl comes along who can offer me better company than I am right now I'll reconsider, but otherwise....I'm quite happy doing my thing.

You think you will be able to attract a woman in her early 20's?

 

[user name]

You think you will be able to attract a woman in her early 20's?

Yes. I was in bed with a 25 year old last Friday.

The week before I rejected a 22 year old.

 

[888]

You think you will be able to attract a woman in her early 20's?

Why not? For a man, social value increases with age and maturity.

 

[JohnChops]

Sorry chump, but it is too late for you, and with the stupid theory you have in mind, your hand will be your only lover for the rest of your sorry life.

Have a nice day.

Hey NN don't be a **** now.

Its never to late to improve yourself and get out there. Taking a break from women and focusing on yourself is what I would do, it is what I have done and it has worked for me

 

[JaegerPilot217]

Yes. I was in bed with a 25 year old last Friday.

The week before I rejected a 22 year old.

One night stand I assume? Social value increases, so your saying the majority of women in their 20's will date or hook up with a man significantly older than her, no matter his age literally?

 

[user name]

One night stand I assume? Social value increases, so your saying the majority of women in their 20's will date or hook up with a man significantly older than her, no matter his age literally?

ONS indeed!

I'm not saying anything of the kind. It's a matter of variables.

There are plenty of 40 year olds who can't/won't hook up with 20 year olds.

There is no science to this.

 

[Dryden]

There a link in the top right corner to an eBook that is being sold for $47 or something. The book talks about how to be a "hard to get" man as opposed to a "easy to get" man.

Part of developing self confidence is developing guts. Having guts means that there is something more important to you than what people think of the things you say and do. It means that this thing is more important to you than 'getting the girl'. This thing is more important to you than 'being with her'. This thing, is your integrity and the things you believe in. You are not willing to sell out to get *anything* if it means giving up this thing.

I do not believe you can still svck with women even when you have developed this. So if you haven't, I would suggest you start practicing showing guts. Get accustomed to saying controversial things. Speak your mind about things. Ask yourself "what requires guts right now?" Then start doing those things.