Frustrated by my HB8...

[expos]

Met this girl a month ago through mutual friends. HB8, divorced finalized in March, has a 3-year old kid. Our first meetup was with a big group our friends and she was pretty much on me the whole night. Making out, hugging, etc., as we bar hop. The second date… Hibachi Grill, wine, brought her back to my place and we bang.

We’ve been seeing each other once or twice per week and screwing. Went camping together a few weeks back with her friends and we seem to hit it off well. Took another trip out of town and got seafood and went to the beach and had a great day. We have to work out our schedules around her kid as she gets him 3.5 days per week and her ex gets the other 3.5 days.
The common theme in this relationship is that I MAKE ALL OF THE PLANS, initiate all of the texting, emails, and make all the phone calls. She has never flaked on me, and has always accepted my requests to meet up.

My last phone call was to her was three nights ago, and she seemed rather tired/bored while talking to her. I got pissed after talking with her (she doesn’t know that I’m pissed) and decided to not call or text and go ghost until she makes the next move. We were supposed to meet up tonight, but I stood my ground and did not reach out to her. She hasn’t even bothered trying to contact me.

So, I don’t think she’s seeing someone else. I’ll login into Facebook and her I’ll see her actively posting stuff at 10:30-11PM almost every night. But she does get a buttload of attention because she is really hot and has a ton of orbiters. I don’t play that game.

So – advice is needed.

1. Do I continue to hold out and go no contact?
2. Make one final attempt to hangout, and let her know that she will need to be more attentive and reach out to me.

She has a full time job and is raising a kid, but still, it doesn’t take much effort to send a text…

 

[LorenzoVonM]

So – advice is needed.

1. Do I continue to hold out and go no contact?
2. Make one final attempt to hangout, and let her know that she will need to be more attentive and reach out to me.

Whoever cares the least, holds the power. Right now she cares the least. The frame has already been set that you will do all the initiating so why would she change what she is doing? It can be hard to change a frame once its been set. To do this you would just go no contact and be willing to walk away if she never contacts you again.

So the question becomes what do you want from this girl? If you just want to be casual and have some sex then keep initiating as long as she is compliant about meeting up with no games. Keep the talking between meetups to a minimum too. Just set logistics for hanging out and do your talking/sexing there. Eventually though she may decline a meetup. If she doesn't counter-offer then you would now be chasing which is an even worse frame. If in the back of your mind you want a relationship then the frame you are in now is not good. Again, she is holding all the power. Also, she is fresh off a divorce, she might just be seeing this as a casual thing.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

An HB8 that you're banging, who doesn't flake, doesn't bug you with a bunch of calls and texts... Unless you are looking for a committed relationship, not sure what the problem is...

-Augustus-

 

[Jules_Winfield]

She doesn't like you enough. You are spending this time bonding, while she's using it to have some fun until someone better comes along. Don't be fooled, you might be able to get her into a relationship, but she'll still be looking for a better deal.

LorenzoVonM mentioned frame. I always eject if I loose it or don't have it up front. It's either be a little sad now or psychologically destroyed later.

 

[Kailex]

The problem is that you care too much about this single mother, just because she's an HB8.

If she didn't even call you and mention your 'date"... then yes, her IL is low. Yours needs to be lower.

 

[zekko]

If she didn't even call you and mention your 'date"... then yes, her IL is low. Yours needs to be lower.

This is the problem with this kind of advice. Considering that the OP has had to initiate everything at every turn, it's apparent that if he hadn't, there would be nothing going on, and he wouldn't be banging an HB8. Sometimes it pays to take the initiative. Sometimes it doesn't.

On the other hand, six months ago this post would have been met with a chorus of posters asking "Why are you banging a single mother?".

 

[expos]

Good points. I'll told her I'm taking things slow...and she also told me "no need to rush", but still, I feel that she doesn't like me enough and that my IL is indeed higher because I made the move to seduce her in the very beginning.

We were planning to go away together to this bed & breakfast a few weeks from now...which she agreed to do...but it's not looking good right now.

I'd also like to note, that about 20 days ago, after not talking to her for two or three days straight (I was dealing with some ex-wife drama of my own), she sent me a text that stated something along the lines of "hey I haven't heard from you in a while and I'm wondering if you are still interested in me."

No contact from here on out, but if she does contact me, do I wait a day to reply or hit her up right away?

 

[Alvafe]

dude simple put, just keep her around to have fun, I would go other way on teh fact of the child only, you can ahve fun with single mothers, serious LTR? nope, no way, jsut think dude if you can get one without that bagage why you will want that?

if you ask me you can contact her and do things with her, as long you get some fun from it, and also search for another one, another in your plate will make you or not care about her or make her care about losing you, its win win for you.

 

[cordoncordon]

As the previous poster said, I would not get real serious emotionally with this woman. For whatever reason, it seems as if she will go out with you when you ask, but she is not invested in the relationship at all beyond that. In other words it looks as if she has no plans to take it further, at least right now. Not calling or texting about a date that you two had planned is about as non caring as one can get. She basically expects you to do everything, from the planning to the execution, and she is just along for the ride.

I would do this. Don't call or text her in any way that a person would while in a relationship. In other words no cutesy texts, no calls just to say hi, no long term plans for a date. IF and WHEN you are bored and want to do something that day or night? Give her a call or text and see if she is available. That way if she says no, no big deal, it was last minute anyway. And if she says yes....then go have a good time. But at least that way you won't be spending all week worry about why she hasn't called or texted or if she will show up for your date on Sat night.

Also, scap that plans for that trip in a few weeks. Never bring it up again. If and when she starts acting as if she might want something more serious? Then you can reevaluate and go from there, and decide what you want. But right now it is clearly obvious what she wants, which isn't much, so no need for you to stress yourself over someone like that.

Good luck.

 

[Aristippus]

In a situation like this, I will say that the moment she wants you to be part of her life with a 3-year old son, is the moment when all of the fun you're having now will start to diminish. Maybe not all at once but slowly. The more light and fun and un-involved with her life you can be, the better.

It might be a blessing that she keeps minimal contact but that you both still get to go out and have your fun. As screwed-up as this might sound, the moment she mentions you being involved with her son and the more she wants you to become involved with her life, at that moment, it's probably time for you to disappear. I know this sounds messed-up, but the reason I say this is because once this happens, I foresee this being a situation where you will be making the vast majority of the sacrifices, she will be making zero, or minimal sacrifices, and you'll be getting the short end of the stick.

You will be making her life easier, she will be making your life harder, and she will EXPECT it. NOT appreciate it, but EXPECT it. This is unfortunate, but I've found that as a general rule, with many women, the more you do for them, the more they expect from you. It should be that the more you do for her, the more she appreciates what you do, but I've noticed this seems to be the exception rather than the rule of female behavior. Be ready to move on the moment she starts talking about "your responsibilities", as if YOU were the one who brought her child into this world. Especially if she talks about her wants consistently without addressing your wants.

 

[expos]

She texted this morning...getting together tonight.

 

[expos]

She texted this morning...getting together tonight.

so she ended flaking because she was "on call" for work. She sent me a follow up text asking to meet for a long lunch tomorrow. I did not respond to that request.

So I sent her a text last night asking for an update on her "on call" responsibilities and got no response. I assume she found someone else.

At this point, I am ready to bail. I deleted her number so that I'm not tempted to text her. She's also a Facebook friend and I'm tempted to delete her.

Crazy. I've been banging her for four weeks, we've taken three trips out of town together (splitting the bills on some of the expenses), I go away for a week vacation by myself (light texting while I was away) and suddenly it just dies.

Time to move on? Gut tells me yes...

 

[speed dawg]

expos, you really need to quit trying to figure out how to get to her again, and instead, figure out why you turned her off. You were needy as sh*t with her, I can gather that from your posts. Nothing makes a p*ssy dry up faster than a needy chump like what you've been being.

Single moms are good for pump and dump. Let her ex be the daddy to her kid. Some where along the line you quit being a fun, independent guy that she wanted to blow.

 

[LorenzoVonM]

expos, you really need to quit trying to figure out how to get to her again, and instead, figure out why you turned her off. You were needy as sh*t with her, I can gather that from your posts. Nothing makes a p*ssy dry up faster than a needy chump like what you've been being.

Single moms are good for pump and dump. Let her ex be the daddy to her kid. Some where along the line you quit being a fun, independent guy that she wanted to blow.

Yes. Three trips in a month? C'mon now. Way too much, too fast. Why not chill and be laid back. Women should be the ones pushing for a relationship, not men.

 

[the_stig]

In a situation like this, I will say that the moment she wants you to be part of her life with a 3-year old son, is the moment when all of the fun you're having now will start to diminish. Maybe not all at once but slowly. The more light and fun and un-involved with her life you can be, the better.

It might be a blessing that she keeps minimal contact but that you both still get to go out and have your fun. As screwed-up as this might sound, the moment she mentions you being involved with her son and the more she wants you to become involved with her life, at that moment, it's probably time for you to disappear. I know this sounds messed-up, but the reason I say this is because once this happens, I foresee this being a situation where you will be making the vast majority of the sacrifices, she will be making zero, or minimal sacrifices, and you'll be getting the short end of the stick.

You will be making her life easier, she will be making your life harder, and she will EXPECT it. NOT appreciate it, but EXPECT it. This is unfortunate, but I've found that as a general rule, with many women, the more you do for them, the more they expect from you. It should be that the more you do for her, the more she appreciates what you do, but I've noticed this seems to be the exception rather than the rule of female behavior. Be ready to move on the moment she starts talking about "your responsibilities", as if YOU were the one who brought her child into this world. Especially if she talks about her wants consistently without addressing your wants.

Anyone considering dating a single mom needs to read this, then reread it again.

I stayed with an hb8 far too long and the above is spot on. The first 6-12 months was more fun than I could ever describe, the kid's always at Grandma's, great sex, etc.

Once you meet the kid, everything changes. All of a sudden it has to be included in EVERYTHING. She flips the script from "I'm not looking for a father" to "We're a family now". Now all of a sudden you have a child pushed off on you as if It's your problem, she talks about sharing responsibilities which is code for drive my kid to football, pickup his prescription, take him with you to *insert every fun activity you want to do here* -- the fun dates and alone time quickly ends, and you've become her personal servant with no appreciation. She'll blow you off for the smallest of the child's needs without batting an eyelash and the whole hierarchy feels so unnatural; you never stop feeling like the third wheel that can be disposed of at a moment's notice.

If you're a single guy with no kids, just stay away from single moms. They work hard to seduce you fast, and unattaching yourself isn't always as easy as it sounds.

 

[expos]

...and it's over.

Got a text from her tonight along the lines "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" and "I don't want to hurt you" ....which I translated to..."I fvcked another guy while you were away on vacation" :crackup:

To which I replied, "the feeling is mutual....I enjoy your company but you need to do what's best for you"

So...the next step.

1. Keep her as a plate and fvck her if she wants to meet up again?
2. Delete her from Facebook and disappear entirely?

So SoSuave...help me make a decision here. I'm fine with either one at this point.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

...and it's over.

Got a text from her tonight along the lines "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" and "I don't want to hurt you" ....which I translated to..."I fvcked another guy while you were away on vacation" :crackup:

To which I replied, "the feeling is mutual....I enjoy your company but you need to do what's best for you"

So...the next step.

1. Keep her as a plate and fvck her if she wants to meet up again?
2. Delete her from Facebook and disappear entirely?

So SoSuave...help me make a decision here. I'm fine with either one at this point.

Don't contact her again. She will eventually contact you if this relationship doesn't work. When she contacts you, decide if you want to make her a plate or not.

I never understand guys who are okay with their plates having plates. Knowing a woman is seeing another guy bothers me.

 

[expos]

Don't contact her again. She will eventually contact you if this relationship doesn't work. When she contacts you, decide if you want to make her a plate or not.

I never understand guys who are okay with their plates having plates. Knowing a woman is seeing another guy bothers me.

Well, I don't know for certain if she was with another dude. You always need to assume the worst. It's not like she didn't want to see me yesterday...she asked me to go to lunch with her and I never answered.

I don't plan on contacting her again. Thanks for the responses.

 

[Alvafe]

up to you really if you can keep her as a FWB without feeling anything emotional go ahead, if you will have a problem or belive she will want more disapear

 

[cordoncordon]

Not surprised by this at all. If you can stay emotionally detached, keep her as a FaceBook friend but don't contact her. Then perhaps in the future you can use her as a FWB. But don't ever initiate any contact that is for sure.