ishallsurvive
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I've never been a particularly seductive man. If anything, I was a diehard romantic, preferring to imagine my life as a rom-com instead of anything else. I still am a virgin, though now in my 20's. I am also fat, though not morbidly so. I respected women, cherished them, talked to them, was their shoulder to cry on. Sexuality took the backseat in every one of my "interests". I wanted to be first their confidante, their protector, and hoped from that they would sprout love for me. I fell for the biggest fallacy in human relations, that boyfriend must start with friend.
About a year ago, on a trip abroad, I met M. Early 20's, she wasn't a particular looker, though excellent conversationalist and very warm. At that time, I was off my element, more involved with the fancy place i was in so I didn't actively pursue her. Another guy, made his move. I don't know what happened between them, it still pains me to think what could have transpired. Nonetheless, I couldn't stand it. I didn't have any particular feeling for her then, but when I saw her being pursued by another, I couldn't stand it. I decided to enter her world. I started off as the smartest in the lot, sensing her affinity towards philosophy and such, an interest I shared. We talked for hours all alone,and as i listened intently, I could feel she did develop some level of interest. I gave her a nickname, something only I called her with. At first she was curious, asking why the nickname. My response: "just". Again, a flare up of interest. By the end of the week, it was time to go, right before I got on my taxi out of the hotel, I gave her a hug. I was really only expecting a casual hug. She held on to me for a full 10 seconds. Pupils widely dilated, even at that afternoon hour, she gazed at me with puppy eyes. I now realize that was possible THE best moment for a kiss, but me being a silly afc, didn't. I did realize that everything I had done so far, being smart, not showing too much interest, maintaining an air of mystery had worked wonders.
Her hometown is quite a distance from me, so we started texting. For a year after that, we would text almost daily, most being late night chats. I talked to her about random stuff, sometimes with flirting thrown in, which would be responded to with extreme enthusiasm. I knew I was on the right path. But still, I had no intention of physically using her. I slowly put her on a pedestal, thought the world of her. She did too, atleast as far as I could make out of her texts. I never called her. I've been too shy of calling since forever, preferring to text as I can ensure I don't sound dumb that way. She told me she was coming to my town at the end of the year. She was off abroad on a yearlong assignment, and would be in my town for a few days. I decided to make it count. I asked her out. She agreed.
I was ecstatic. This was the first time I had ever asked a girl out. And she had agreed. With a 1:1 serve to hit ratio, I began to really feel good about myself, about this. Too good perhaps. So much that now I started worrying over it. What would I do? What would please her? What would annoy her? How can I come off as my best. I started texting her more often, and slowly, her interest levels depreciated. I noticed, but that only made me kick my legs out more in panic. Then for a full two weeks, I went cold turkey on her. She was on my mind the entire time, but I could not stand for being ignored. So I went cold turkey. I was worried that in this time she will be banging some other guys. I could feel my heart explode everytime I thought about it, my thoughts running to the other guy who hit on her when i first met her. But I held my ground. Sure enough, she broke the silence, her text showed considerable worry.
We resumed normal contact thereafter, after all, we both liked each other a lot. I realize now the problem was that I thought she had many options, where I had none. I had invested too much in her to back out. I have a propensity to not back out on things anyway, something between determination and egotism. Anyways, time came and she came to my town. We were supposed to have dinner together, that's as far as we had decided. I however, met up early, and we spent the whole day exploring the old town, I ran up quite a bill over her. But I figured that was ok. Money has never been a problem for me, thanks to working hard through my teens n such. Though it came at a price. The price of being an absolute novice to relationships. We bumped into each other many times, she initiated kino many times, but I was too fazed to see any of this. We ended the night by dropping her off at her place, she hugged me again far longer than normal. As I walked away, I looked back to look at her. She didn't. I knew the date was a fail. I panicked.
Next day, she texts me to tell me that she had fun. I respond in like. We don't talk much after that. The day after, I finally blew my fuse and asked her that if she knew that I liked her. She said she had an idea, but we can only be friends. I asked why. She says she's gotta sort her **** out and doesn't know what she wants. I try to defend, saying we can handle things. She said she's end up breaking my heart, for she cannot guarantee there won't be anyone else.
That hit me like a thousand tonnes at the once. This girls that I near worshipped, just told me that she would inevitably end up cheating on me. That she wanted to f*ck other guys. I couldn't breathe. Everything came crashing down in flames, everything I had worked for. I tried to save face. Told her it was probably for the best, and didn't talk after that. That night, i didn't sleep. For two days after that, I couldn't eat. I would just sit in my room, look at her text, her photo and weep silently, lamenting my fate. She was to leave the next day. I wished her the best. In my mind, she was no longer worthy of my attention. But my heart won't quit.
It's now three days since she left. She said that she'll text me her number from there. I am still in shock. Any tiny thing that happens makes me think of her, what she said to me, what she is about to do. I cannot keep tears in. I suppose in that one instance, my innocence was taken away from me. The world I now see, is an ugly one. But I learn.
I realized there were two reasons I crashed and burned. First, there was nothing physical. I shied away from physical contact. Two, I had an unrealistic expectation from love n relationships. It doesn't work like movies. If anything, I'm gonna stop watching these movies and soaps that encourage these misleading ideas.
I now have a year to fix these. I am headed to a different town to study, and I will use this time to turn myself around. I will get ripped, date often, and f*ck girls even more. Moralities are out of the window. This is war. I will not accept defeat. I will take her back.
Out of the ashes of an afc, a dj will arise.
Any advice/pointers welcome.
About a year ago, on a trip abroad, I met M. Early 20's, she wasn't a particular looker, though excellent conversationalist and very warm. At that time, I was off my element, more involved with the fancy place i was in so I didn't actively pursue her. Another guy, made his move. I don't know what happened between them, it still pains me to think what could have transpired. Nonetheless, I couldn't stand it. I didn't have any particular feeling for her then, but when I saw her being pursued by another, I couldn't stand it. I decided to enter her world. I started off as the smartest in the lot, sensing her affinity towards philosophy and such, an interest I shared. We talked for hours all alone,and as i listened intently, I could feel she did develop some level of interest. I gave her a nickname, something only I called her with. At first she was curious, asking why the nickname. My response: "just". Again, a flare up of interest. By the end of the week, it was time to go, right before I got on my taxi out of the hotel, I gave her a hug. I was really only expecting a casual hug. She held on to me for a full 10 seconds. Pupils widely dilated, even at that afternoon hour, she gazed at me with puppy eyes. I now realize that was possible THE best moment for a kiss, but me being a silly afc, didn't. I did realize that everything I had done so far, being smart, not showing too much interest, maintaining an air of mystery had worked wonders.
Her hometown is quite a distance from me, so we started texting. For a year after that, we would text almost daily, most being late night chats. I talked to her about random stuff, sometimes with flirting thrown in, which would be responded to with extreme enthusiasm. I knew I was on the right path. But still, I had no intention of physically using her. I slowly put her on a pedestal, thought the world of her. She did too, atleast as far as I could make out of her texts. I never called her. I've been too shy of calling since forever, preferring to text as I can ensure I don't sound dumb that way. She told me she was coming to my town at the end of the year. She was off abroad on a yearlong assignment, and would be in my town for a few days. I decided to make it count. I asked her out. She agreed.
I was ecstatic. This was the first time I had ever asked a girl out. And she had agreed. With a 1:1 serve to hit ratio, I began to really feel good about myself, about this. Too good perhaps. So much that now I started worrying over it. What would I do? What would please her? What would annoy her? How can I come off as my best. I started texting her more often, and slowly, her interest levels depreciated. I noticed, but that only made me kick my legs out more in panic. Then for a full two weeks, I went cold turkey on her. She was on my mind the entire time, but I could not stand for being ignored. So I went cold turkey. I was worried that in this time she will be banging some other guys. I could feel my heart explode everytime I thought about it, my thoughts running to the other guy who hit on her when i first met her. But I held my ground. Sure enough, she broke the silence, her text showed considerable worry.
We resumed normal contact thereafter, after all, we both liked each other a lot. I realize now the problem was that I thought she had many options, where I had none. I had invested too much in her to back out. I have a propensity to not back out on things anyway, something between determination and egotism. Anyways, time came and she came to my town. We were supposed to have dinner together, that's as far as we had decided. I however, met up early, and we spent the whole day exploring the old town, I ran up quite a bill over her. But I figured that was ok. Money has never been a problem for me, thanks to working hard through my teens n such. Though it came at a price. The price of being an absolute novice to relationships. We bumped into each other many times, she initiated kino many times, but I was too fazed to see any of this. We ended the night by dropping her off at her place, she hugged me again far longer than normal. As I walked away, I looked back to look at her. She didn't. I knew the date was a fail. I panicked.
Next day, she texts me to tell me that she had fun. I respond in like. We don't talk much after that. The day after, I finally blew my fuse and asked her that if she knew that I liked her. She said she had an idea, but we can only be friends. I asked why. She says she's gotta sort her **** out and doesn't know what she wants. I try to defend, saying we can handle things. She said she's end up breaking my heart, for she cannot guarantee there won't be anyone else.
That hit me like a thousand tonnes at the once. This girls that I near worshipped, just told me that she would inevitably end up cheating on me. That she wanted to f*ck other guys. I couldn't breathe. Everything came crashing down in flames, everything I had worked for. I tried to save face. Told her it was probably for the best, and didn't talk after that. That night, i didn't sleep. For two days after that, I couldn't eat. I would just sit in my room, look at her text, her photo and weep silently, lamenting my fate. She was to leave the next day. I wished her the best. In my mind, she was no longer worthy of my attention. But my heart won't quit.
It's now three days since she left. She said that she'll text me her number from there. I am still in shock. Any tiny thing that happens makes me think of her, what she said to me, what she is about to do. I cannot keep tears in. I suppose in that one instance, my innocence was taken away from me. The world I now see, is an ugly one. But I learn.
I realized there were two reasons I crashed and burned. First, there was nothing physical. I shied away from physical contact. Two, I had an unrealistic expectation from love n relationships. It doesn't work like movies. If anything, I'm gonna stop watching these movies and soaps that encourage these misleading ideas.
I now have a year to fix these. I am headed to a different town to study, and I will use this time to turn myself around. I will get ripped, date often, and f*ck girls even more. Moralities are out of the window. This is war. I will not accept defeat. I will take her back.
Out of the ashes of an afc, a dj will arise.
Any advice/pointers welcome.