from depression to obsession

[TheTraveller]

I'm currently dating after an on-and-off 10 month relationship. I was quite depressed during those 10 months due to a terrible work situation and bad relationship and family issues. I started a new job (and it is almost like a new career for me) so I've been devoting a lot of time to that. My life is back on track. Also, I've reconnected with some friends and frequently hang out with my long time group of friends each week. So, I'm busy.

Unfortunately, my social circle involves very few if any girls (those that are out are my friends' girlfriends or wives). So, I use online dating. I believe I'm a great catch, maybe not every girls dream guy but in the past I had significant self-esteem issues and only went for HB5's. I'm very witty, say crazy sh!t, and generally am amazing at keeping things cool, negs flowing and really enjoying my time with ladies. Interestingly, I don't try to pick up girls in any other way.

Lately I've been going for girls that I'm fully attracted to. I've gotten over a lot over the past 6 months but still suffer the following:

1. Many first dates from online dating, most with HB7's, some 8s and usually we'll both have fun but I'll either find them boring or they won't seem interested. Never any second dates from those. I'm not sure if the online thing messes up this first date dynamic. It's usually a drink at a nice bar/lounge. Not much kino because of the table and that's it. Done. Unless the girl is obviously excited and in to me, then things go further and usually get to date 2.

2. After a good first date, I obsess over the girl. If it was two good first dates, I'd do the same, but with 2 now instead of 1. It's maddening. Checking their profile. Checking my phone when I leave a msg if she doesn't pick up her phone. Those that don't pick up will usually call back within 24h but sometimes no. It's like the success all-encompasses me where I then lose focus at work and in other areas of my life. I make this all about me.

3. Plate spinning and "double-standard": When I have a good first, maybe second date and start to get intimate or s.x on the 2nd or 3rd date, I'll not be happy if the girl is dating other guy(s) and perhaps intimate with them as well. Even if I have 1 other girl on the go (which is rare). It's like I want there to be an implied commitment so I don't have to deal with the girl not spinning her own plates for whatever reason.

I was looking for some suggestions here other than "spin plates", "man up", "don't be needy", if at all possible. I've read the bible, I've read plate theory. I know I'm worthy of dating and I'd rather not just stop dating at the moment. Any insight? Thanks guys.

 

[Colossus]

Traveller-

I feel like our post exchanges go back a long time, lol.

First off, I can relate to you on most points. I'm at a point right now where circumstantially things are just very sequestered socially, and working within that realm for me is like trying to make something out of nothing. So I do the online thing, and to be honest it blows! I had way better success with it when I lived in the big city. But, in general, I have the same first/second date experiences you do. I do think that the online thing changes the dynamic. There is a lot of expectation and imagination going on, on both ends. With a 'real' date, you ave already met and established rapport, and usually some genuine attraction. Online, it's all a big jerk-off until you meet, when it usually becomes a letdown for one or both parties.

As far as the obsession thing, I have been there in the past and I will caution you that there may be some deeper insecurity going on. Chances are you can connect the dots back through past events and relationships to find the source of this insecurity. It always comes from hurt. I think the fact that you are coming OUT of a depression has a lot to do with the obsession.

Excitement is ok, but there is definitely a point where it crosses into obsession, and this is really easy to get into when you're lonely or coming off some tumultuous relationship like you have. Unfortunately I dont have too much to offer in the way of a solution right now, just a diagnosis. Maybe some of the other guys here will have some insight.

 

[TheTraveller]

Well, I'm in a huge North American city. So, there are options. I just prefer not to focus all my down time on extraverted type situations and picking up tail. Frankly, 1, maybe 2 steady streams of accepting dates from girls is more than enough for me.

I feel with the online thing, you can dramatically increase you chance of success if there's a strong coincidental connection online. For example, the girl's family is from your parents old hometown, you share a lot of common friends, went to the same university and similar examples. Otherwise it's like chatting up a random girl in the bar on thta first date. With that strong coincidental connection, it's usually very very easy for me to get a 2nd date and more.

You are right about tracing it back to insecurity. The depression is definitely improving, it was mild to begin with. The insecurity is rooted in family issues that I deal with professionally with counselling regularly.

What's interesting about a solution is that I've found as I get more comfortable with a new girl (say at about the 3rd or so date) I start to obsess significantly less. I'd stop wondering about them and where I stand. If they decided to stop seeing me, yes that would be dissapointing but I would barely be affected. It seems I require a level of comfort with a girl and once that initial level is reached I still maintain my ways I initially attracted her (being myself) but become less with the obsessions.

An interesting side issue with all this is performance anxiety - probably related to my general anxiety, family issues and self-image growing up (self-esteem and general minor body issues all of which I'm sorting through today).

Any new girl I get intimate with, I need a few dates to get comfortable or whatever you'd like to call it. Once this is reached, I'm able to go for s3x. So, the first few times in bed with a new girl, I'd definitely describe it as some form of anxiety - I get hard, then lose it, never enough for s3x. Yes, this happens sober or not sober, regardless of the level of attractiveness of the girl and her abilities in bed. After a few dates of this, it usually results in having s3x without a condom (if the girl is down, sometimes not) as that removes at least one barrier, and then that's just a bad precedent to set early in my mind.

Once s3x has happened a few times I'm ready instantly, even from being close to her (for example, sitting on the couch). From there on in I'm automatic, require little to no stimulation and the girls are always shocked. The girls really like me in bed once I perform fully. I hate to think I have some issues that then make me ensure that I go find a girl that is mature/patient enough to wait through a few dates of malfunctioning and just fooling around when they really want more.

This is freaking bizzare. Has anyone experienced this? This is seriously messing with me. Obviously, this could be the main factor contributing to my views of dating 1 girl at once. Heck, I could sleep around/have meaningless s3x but it takes getting comfortable with a girl, which leads to girl either bailing or being patient and thinking this guy is not a player and is relationship material. Don't get me wrong, I really like finding the right girl for a relationship but this stuff can be difficult to deal with. I've tried a partial pill of Levitra once in the past - wicked headache and little to no effect down below. I'm usually fine on my own and have a testosterone level of 104.3 which is wicked high, so mens doc just told me it must be psychological. Having these girls wait and making me feel inadequate and potentially taking unsafe s3x risks is very, very frustrating.

Wisdom anyone?