Friends wants help with oneitis

[Paper Man]

A friend of mine, who I always took as somewhat a ladies-man, is now constantly coming to me, fragile as glass, because of one girl. It saddens and angers me, to see this fellow of mine, who always walked around confidently, who never had issues with women, who is one strong son-of-a-*****, coming to me saying he can't talk with this girl because he fears crying because of what he feels.

It is not that I am experienced (hence posting this here), but he is coming to me, asking for advice. Since he has been suffering for weeks/months, I told him to end his suffering. I told him to go tell her how he feels, expect nothing in return, just to take this thing out of his chest, and then move on wiser.

He told me he'd bite the bullet once he's with her again. After all is said and done, this guy is going to be shattered. He cares for her. He doesn't speak English, so no use pointing this site. Though, I feel that this is an important moment in his life, and that he could use some wisdom, as to start walking in a braver path.

Taking it that I'm not very experienced, and don't want to mislead this guy out, what can I say to him? What useful guidance can I provide him?

 

[Rebound Material]

It is not that I am experienced (hence posting this here), but he is coming to me, asking for advice. Since he has been suffering for weeks/months, I told him to end his suffering. I told him to go tell her how he feels, expect nothing in return, just to take this thing out of his chest, and then move on wiser.

You know, ive done something like that before. But what I confessed was PURE and utter AFC. Instead of telling the girl how much I missed her and all that sh!t, I told her how much of a b!tch she was for going after me just because she thought I was a jerk(I didnt know this when we were dating until after the fact) an ******* and a player. I told her "I really thought you were someone special" with tears building up in my eyes. Overall, I told her that she was a shallow b!tch. Its probably one of the AFCist things a guy can do, but honestly, it helped get so much out of me. Yes, you walk away looking like a big crybaby, but at the same time WISER. In fact I felt better afterwards and with the new DJ knowledge I got here, I learned NOT to do something like that again.

...now that thats out of the way, heres a compilation of Oneitis advice I got here that I saved:

- "By never contacting her, pursuing other women, and letting time separate the emotion from the memory." - Desdinova

- "One-itis is a misdirected feeling of NEED toward someone. You put all your faith in them and get to a point where you feel that you NEED them to fulfill you." - squirrels

- "I do agree with some posters when they say its a good thing sometimes. Every human being likes to need something outside of themselves sometimes, but when it inhibits your life that’s when it turns bad..." - Cod3r

- time mate, time - lordson

- "Distance

In my experience the above is the MOST IMPORTANT. You will go through a cold turkey like phase but will eventually get over it." - Wolf

". Meet other women (second most important)
. Focus the passion on something else
. FIND something else you are passionate about
. Realise you aren’t the only one
. Realise she’s not as special as your mind is tricking you to believe
. Realise it’s all in your head and can be giving similar effects to beer goggles
. Chances are you are a better individual than her" - Wolf

- ""FVCK this, she isnt that special. I just have to stop wasting my valuable time on her."

Just treat her as a friend or fvckin ignore her. Tell yourself its over! As of tomorrow you will no longer look at her the same way that you have done. Shes is nothing more then a friend(?) or just some random girl. ITS OVER.

I know this can be hard to realize but you just have to do it. Fvck her! Its your turn to live!" - In Motion

- "Careful with "treating her as a friend;" You have to have the distance, for a couple of months at least." - ARrocket

- "Oneitis only happens to men who are lacking in options." - Maxtro

- "Unfortunately it sucks knowing that I’ll have to add her to the pile of girls I’ve had oneitis for but I’ve never gotten." - Maxtro

- "Basically if a guy is seeing other girls, then it’s really difficult to even get oneitis." - Maxtro

- "Anyone can contract oneitis, from the confident to the insecure. I think the only cure is getting another girl, which is easier said than done. You could try treating the oneitis as a friend or keeping your distance but I think you will always see her as someone special (the toilet image doesn’t last long). That’s why you have to find another girl who you are genuinely attracted to (not a replacement, not a person to fill the void) and make a move. That’s when you truly forget the oneitis." - Juan Man

 

[chancer]

I had oneits to the point where I'd talk to other girls, but she was still on my mind. The best advice a friend gave me was that

"If you're not happy with the way things are going, then maybe you should let her go".

It was extremely hard because she always called right as I was leaving. The last time we went out, I told her I wasn't happy, and that things weren't working out (she agreed), and that I didn't want her in and out of my life. I asked if she felt anything the times were together and her eyes melted, lol. That made things really hard. It took 3 tries to end things, but she got the message when i told her not to call anymore.

I cant begin to tell you how much chaos went through my head that month. A series of events happened in my life, that didn't make things any better. I did weight lifting, I got a new job, and did everything to TRY to keep myself busy and from thinking of her. Ready to damn everything to hell, I refused to believe that she's the only one. And that there were more girls out there. And then out of the blue I started dating another girl, who seemed "more right" than the last.

Somewhere on this site I read that you shouldn't be concerned about weather a girl likes you or not, but "is she right for you?"

 

[Effington]

I really hoped you prefaced your advice by telling him that this will end badly for him.

I would have told him the best way to fix this problem is to meet more women. This one's dead in the water for him, so the best thing he can do is keep her as a friend. Hell, maybe she has some friends that she can introduce him to. I can not emphasize enough how important networking is.

That being said, sometimes (a lot of times, actually) us guys need to be stubborn and learn the hard way. I'm not sure I entirely agree with sending him to his demise, but if he's blind to everything else, you might as well let him make his own mistakes. Those are by far the best lessons.

 

[Rebound Material]

you shouldn't be concerned about weather a girl likes you or not, but "is she right for you?"

Im saving this!

I really hoped you prefaced your advice by telling him that this will end badly for him.

Oh yea, I forgot about that. Yea, its gonna end bad. He's not gonna get her back by pouring out his feelings and basically clearing his chest. BUT it will help him realize that after that last and final move that it just isnt gonna work out in his favor. Point is, he wont be wondering "what if" I had done this/said that kind of sh!t.

 

[Paper Man]

I really hoped you prefaced your advice by telling him that this will end badly for him.

Yes, he is aware it is going to be crash n' burn.

Great compilation, Rebound... Lots of great stuff in there.

- "Anyone can contract oneitis, from the confident to the insecure.

So true. I was definitely caught off guard when I discovered about my friend's situation. Always took him as the confident, take no prisioners, kind of guy, just to find out he's heads over heels about this one girl. It's amazing... This guy had some gorgeous girls drooling over him and yet, he now feels worthless because he thinks he has no chance with this girl, because "she's with a rich model guy" and whatnot. I guess that if you don't have your sh!t together, it doesn't matter at which point in life you are, you are going to get sucked into "this one special girl, all or nothing" paradigm.

 

[Rebound Material]

Yea, and Ill keep on adding to the list...

Anyways, I just wanted to point out that I do disagree with one of them and its "FVCK this, she isnt that special.". It sounds AFC but to me, all my oneitis's that I never got were special to me. Im not saying that they werent like all the other girls and that they held something THAT gloriously special, BUT it was the fact that I didn't get them was what made them special. By them rejecting me, it gave me feedback on my game and where I might have gone wrong. They basically showed me where I needed to improve in my game(to a certain extent. Judging that they werent severely immature and crazy). So in a sense, each of my oneitis's taught me a very important lesson and for that I try my best to not keep a bitter grudge on any of them.

"There is no such thing as failure. Only feedback" - The 30 Day Challenge by Neil Strauss