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"Friends" situation

DiscJockey

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There is a girl who I just met about a month ago who I really like. We've done some flirting in this time, but nothing too much. She unfortunately has a boyfriend, so I wouldn't think of trying anything with her, so I'm going to have to wait to pursue anything. Just to keep future options open, how do I avoid becoming friends to the point that she wouldn't think of me as a possible dating partner? Are there certain topics of conversation to stay away from or do I have to limit the amount of time I spend with her? As long as I keep lightly flirting and using kino, will that option stay open even if this goes on for a while?

Just so you djs know, i'm not stopping my life for her or anything like that. I'm still looking at other people, but I want to keep my options open just in case.
 

junglist

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Definately move one. Don't listen to her talk about her bf. Don't become her therapist. Don't call her more than once every week and a half to two weeks, etc.

Girls remain options until you befriend them. Don't get close to her. Remain someone interesting and mysterious, someone she would want to get to know if the opportunity arose for something beyond friendship.
 

PEACEDJ

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Just stay away from her and use kino here and there and be unpredictable. That is until..... she loses her b/f.
 

HuuBinh

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I agree with these guys. You were right, limit your time with her, but when you are with her use kino, keep the conversation light and short, and always leave first.
 

DiscJockey

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This is the original poster again. Someone I know also likes this girl, but he said since she has a boyfriend he's not going to try anything. Anyway, he's been spending a lot of time with her although none of it is one-on-one. He flirts a little, but no kino. I realize that I'm doing the right thing by backing off, but for some reason it's hard to see him spending all that time with her. Is he on the fast track to friendship with her? I think I just need some reassurance that doing what I'm doing will keep the options open and what he is doing will lead into friendship. Am I right on this? For some reason it seems like if she broke up with her boyfriend now, this guy would have the edge, but maybe that's not how it works.
 

PRMoon

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Don't let her get a read on you. Keep her guessing as to if you want to date her or just be friends. The intrigue will get to her and you'll better your chances that way. You should set the situation up so she is on YOUR wating list not the other way around. Get around and do some light dating to show here that the train can and will leave the station.

Your friend who's spending alot of time with her is dooming his chances so don't worry about that. Spending just a little time with her and keeping your aquaintence casual (not daily) is the key to sucess. She'll want you more if you're unavailible and seem like you have your sh*t together. Of course all this depends on the nature of her relationship with her boyfriend and all so definately date around and keep your eyes open. Only action creates opportuinity, and your case is no different.
 

jnallen

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Get another date and maybe she will miss the time she doesn't get to spend with you anymore.
 

Reto

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I agree with PRMOON. Make your self unavailable and show her how much fun you are. The other guy is on his way to becoming "friends".

Thing is too, (which sux) it's her choice. If she doesn't choose you, no big deal. NEXT !! There are way too many women out there to be stuck on one. Or two. Or three...
 

becker

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Definitely disagree with the other guy being at a disadvantage by being friends with this girl.

Think about it, when it all comes down to it, do you really think she will want to spend more time with a guy that knows less about her and that she's less comfortable being with?

Imagine this. I know all this casual information about her, such as what she likes to do, when is her birthday, her favorite songs, her hobbies, and you are just another guy who comes up to her and just has nothing to say to her that sparks her interest. Who do you think she may feel more attraction to? Are you ever attracted for any significant length of time to a girl you have nothing in common with? I mean, what if you absolutely love watching basketball, and you meet a girl who absolutely hates it. Do you think that after you get together with her, it will really be a harmonious relationship? You'll likely spend plenty of time fighting over stupid things like wanting to go watch basketball when she wants to do something you don't. Anyways, point is, it helps to know the girl a little, and not just be like some joe schmoe off the street who asks her out and has nothing interesting to say.
 

Phrozen

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Originally posted by becker
Definitely disagree with the other guy being at a disadvantage by being friends with this girl.

Think about it, when it all comes down to it, do you really think she will want to spend more time with a guy that knows less about her and that she's less comfortable being with?

Imagine this. I know all this casual information about her, such as what she likes to do, when is her birthday, her favorite songs, her hobbies, and you are just another guy who comes up to her and just has nothing to say to her that sparks her interest. Who do you think she may feel more attraction to? Are you ever attracted for any significant length of time to a girl you have nothing in common with? I mean, what if you absolutely love watching basketball, and you meet a girl who absolutely hates it. Do you think that after you get together with her, it will really be a harmonious relationship? You'll likely spend plenty of time fighting over stupid things like wanting to go watch basketball when she wants to do something you don't. Anyways, point is, it helps to know the girl a little, and not just be like some joe schmoe off the street who asks her out and has nothing interesting to say.
You hit the nail on the head and didn't even know it. This guy that is trying to be her friend, will be just that. He will know her better, she will be more comfortable around him, he will be her friend. Chances are the relationship will never develop into anything more, because the girl won't want to lose her friendship. If you happen to pay attention any guy friends that girls keep around are the guys that they like, but don't want to date.
 

jnallen

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Originally posted by Phrozen
You hit the nail on the head and didn't even know it. This guy that is trying to be her friend, will be just that. He will know her better, she will be more comfortable around him, he will be her friend. Chances are the relationship will never develop into anything more, because the girl won't want to lose her friendship. If you happen to pay attention any guy friends that girls keep around are the guys that they like, but don't want to date.
Exactly!!
 

becker

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Originally posted by Phrozen
You hit the nail on the head and didn't even know it. This guy that is trying to be her friend, will be just that. He will know her better, she will be more comfortable around him, he will be her friend. Chances are the relationship will never develop into anything more, because the girl won't want to lose her friendship. If you happen to pay attention any guy friends that girls keep around are the guys that they like, but don't want to date.
This brings us back to a former post where there was a pretty good discussion on just this topic. Anyways, the only way this other guy will win in this situation is if he uses the time he's around her to learn more about her, but not necessarily be buddy buddy with her. It's important to realize if all you do is stay away from this girl, what will you have to talk about when you're around her? Nice awkward silences, where as the other guy will at least be able to banter with her, which definitely increases IL and attraction.

The kind of guy that you're referring to are the kind who have no other friends except for this girl. Then he's in trouble. Don't do that, but it is essential to at least be around enough so you know her as a little more than a piece of ace, since those relationships are generally without much substance.
 

DiscJockey

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Here is a situation to help me figure out what it means by being just friends. What about if two people know each other through a group of friends. They only hang out or talk when the group of friends hangs out, which is about once or twice a week. They flirt with each other a little and don't talk about anything deep, just what is going on. This goes on for a year or two. Do these people know each other too well for anything to develop considering the time they've known each other and how often they've seen each other during that time?
 

becker

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I'd say no, that's basically the situation I'm talking about. The group situation is sort of a variant of the "friends" situation where you won't be stuck in the friend zone. The key is to make sure you're right between a stranger and a best friend, and never at either end.
 

GropeDope

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I think most, if not all people here have been in a "ended up becoming friends with HB cause she had a boyfriend she wouldn't dump" type of situation, and for me, it was just a non-stop ****tease. I got some though, with a price to pay though. Don't let yourself ever end up in this position, you'll regret it. Well, you might not regret it, but I definitely have, and always will.

(Expletives you find below were misspelt on purpose..didn't want to censor them cause I don't have anything to hold back here..)

The one and only time I let myself fall into this trap was back when I was a complete AFC with no experience at all. Today I still see myself as an AFC, but an AFC with progress. I still haven't become the type of person who can just meet and fuuck someone in a short time span without getting to know them for at least a week, but I've gotten a lot better at that over the years.

The HB I was hitting on ended up having a b/f, the same one for an entire year, and I dunno why it didn't stop me. I hung onto her for 6 months, playing the rebound position, hoping and waiting for her to finally drop him since I thought a year was too long for someone in high school to be invol..aaah you bastards all know how it goes down. Pure AFC action we're talking about here. I just look at it as needing to learn the mistakes first before making progress. ;)

She kept breaking up with him about once every month, though the "break ups" would last for no more than a week. She didn't know how to get over a person. Luckily, this was a benefit for me, because I took us and our "friendship" from pecks on the cheek and light kino, to deep kissing and groping each other in the middle of hugging. She would start showing me her tits when they were hurting...I mean yea, she considered me to the one and only "best" guy friend. :cool:

Phone calls and outings where we were alone would end with "I love yous" and kisses on the lips, yet anytime strangers or friends were present, the lip kissing would go back into friendly cheek pecks, and the I love yous would return to standard goodbyes. On top of all of this, she was still telling me about how many times she screwed the b/f each week I didn't care though cause I was stupid, horny, and desperate back then. :p For someone who was as hot as her, I'd easily take sloppy seconds.

Finally, after 4 and a half months of being her favorite friend, she cheated on him with me while in the middle of a longer than usual break up. Well... she saw it as cheating, but I saw it as her finally letting go of him. She got drunk with me (though I barely even reached a buzz) at her place one night while she was "separated" from him, we got into some discussion about people being sexually violated, and the next thing I know, we start poking and rubbing each other in the dirty areas, making a series of taunts at each other that sounded like "Oh yeah? Here's how that feels..." comments. I forgot what happened, but I started chasing her around her apartment, and then tripped and fell right on top of her. Panting and cracking up, right there I just make a quick smooch on her drunk (but hot) ass, but when I pull back after the kiss, she grabs my face and sticks her tounge into my mouth, and the rest is history fellas. :)

I felt like complete shiiit. Yeah, I finally got to bang the HB I wasted endless nights pursuing and enduring. It was definitely one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever done (worse than being stopped at a redlight next to a guy you just flipped off and honked at even though you know he could pound your ass with his eyes closed). I mean, to be f*cking someone so late after knowing them for too long, too many stories about her sex life, too much about what she hated and liked, without ever getting to contribute to it..Jesus..it's simply one of the worst things. :(

With her, I often felt like "I deserved to have humped this bittch by now," and when I finally got to, it just wasn't worth it. The last thing I gave a damn about about was whatever the hell her b/f would think, and I guess that makes sense, considering I wanted to steal her from the get go.

The next few days, we didn't call each other. When I finally decided to have a talk about what happened, she shot the conversation down by informing me that she got back with that coocksucking B/F of hers during the few days we hadn't spoken. At that point I was just furious and jealous as hell of the loser ass b/f. Since the day that I met him, I knew he didn't have a damn thing over me, but she was back with him yet again, even after she finally got a chance to let go. :rolleyes: No HB (well not necessarily all of them, but most) is going to want to become a full fledged girlfriend to a person she always had in mind as a friend. You better keep that in mind.

I was only friends with her a month or two longer, and for that period of time she took us all the way back to step 1...pecks on the cheek, no more I love yous, and shiiiitty ass kino. I got bored of being around her so much, didn't joke around anymore...the whole friendship turned into one humongous mindfuuck. Finally I couldn't take it any longer and told the HB I thought it was better if we didn't talk for a while, and that's how it ended. I don't even know if she ever told him. I did hear that she stayed with him for almost another year though.

I look back all the time and realize that I lost a really fun friend just cause I had a craving to stick my diick into her from the start. Do not become friends with an HB target you intend to fuuck one day, especially when she has a b/f, unless you have some clever fullproof scheme that makes you think you can steal her. I don't think any girl is worth that kind of hassle, no matter what she looks like or how great you think it would be to nail her juicy little cunnt. Once she even gets the notion of degrading you from possible hook up to plutonic friend, it's time to fold your cards. I try to avoid that type of circumstance as much as possible. If they have a boyfriend, I basically give up right there. Then again, that's why I'm still an AFC..

Going through the crap I went through, simply wasn't worth it in the end. :mad: I know none of this directly answered the questions you had on your post, but at least it'll give you a perspective on how bad things can go if you let stupid shiit happen. I guess the whole point I was trying to make out of all of this was to tell you that unless you have more than a hunch that she'll drop a boyfriend for you, don't even bother putting her on high priority, no matter how hot she is. If she comes around to you, then take it. If not, don't bother. I'm never going to let myself enter a situation like that again though. You'll either steal the HB from the b/f early on, or you'll sit there with HER hearing about what it's like to have sex with HIM.
 
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PRMoon

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What is the exact nature of the relationship between her and her boyfriend? This is really the bottom line when it comes to your chances. If they're all lubby dubby and pretty much married then waiting time may be too long. You definately don't want to wait at the station while for her train to come in if its going to be over the course of years.

I'd reccomend getting another girl and treating her relaly well. You're flying in WAY under the radar that way because then when you talk to her and you have a girl friend she's completely not susupecting you of anything. Hell you can even slightly increase the amount of time you spend with her, slightly with little fear.
 
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