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Friend-Zoned by my wife (Personal experience)

Ricky

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I'm in this situation with my wife now but we have a daughter together. It's really challenging.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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@Apa-thy
So far so good. And I hope you mean you'll split rent and expenses 50/50.

Women that aren't emotionally responsible will cry like children. She's never practiced managing her emotions, so she cries. These are good chances to practice being stern but remaining calm.

If you are in the right state of mind you then should feel pity, because she's doing this to herself. You can show her a door, but you can't make her go through it, that's entirely on her and you're doing great by holding her accountable.

It's good to be extremely decided in these situations so that she can't mess with you. She could pretend she still loves you and that she'll be a wonderful wife, she may start fuucking your brains out on command, etc. It sounds unlikely but it's good to be prepared for this contingency.

Maybe say that you'll take it one month at a time to see if she is really a team player or just lying. Or decide you're done and that you'll get rid of her no matter what she does. Whatever your plan is just make sure you're decided and have strong convictions behind those decisions.
 

TheNewStyle123

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Hello, this is based on my experience and from what I have been reading, there are a bunch of similar cases.

When I graduated from college 7 -8 years ago, I started dating this girl who graduated with me, even though we were not friends when we were studying the same career. She portrayed the image of being very sweet, extroverted and enjoyed being the center of attention, and since I am an introvert person (Not shy) i found that attractive.

She was kinda broken with her life (abusive ex boyfriend, parents, church, anorexia, etc) and I found some empathy for her “poor life” so I started a LTR with her. At first everything was as expected, we were having good sex (I was her first sex partner 24yo), since it was an extrovert-introvert relationship she would talk a lot and I would listen.

We were living in a very poor, dangerous country with lack of opportunities and since my grandparents were europeans I inherited the citizenship. In that moment I had the greatest idea “let’s get married (to get her the papers) and move to Europe”. And after 2 years of relationship we did! no proposal, no fancy wedding she would be ok with that.

As expected, when we moved to Europe with little money and no job, things got complicated because we had to do demanding jobs for low pay (As most inmigrants arriving to a new country especially in small town). On that moment she started bitttching more and more about how horrible and miserable was her life, it was draining my energy and I felt guilty. that brought out bad consequences, bad sex life being the most notorious, we were having intercourse 1 a month and it sucked (i didnt feel like having sex).

.After 2 years I found a decent job and we improved our economic life, and I had more energy and time to share with her. But sex life never improved, this time she was the one who didnt want because it hurted, she was having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety so i understood it and didnt force the situation.

2 years later (4 months ago) we moved to a big city in order to get a better life but one day she suddenly wakes up not talking with bad attitude and giving one-word-answers. I asked several times if there was something wrong, she said “nothing wrong”. 3 days later i ask her “are you going to tell me what is happening with you?” She said “you’re asking me now”... I was like WTF? I have asked several times.

She told me:
  • She thought she didnt love me anymore.
  • I am a great man. But she saw me as a roomie and not as a husband
  • She deserves to be happy.
  • She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
  • She didnt get a proposal and didnt have the wedding she dreamed about so she felt frustrated and unhappy.
  • She wants someone who is crazy about her and I am not.

My straight answer was: “Let’s divorce” no bitttching, no crying, no asking for 2nd chances. After 6 years she thinks she doesnt love me, I am not playing that game.
Tbh i was badly hurt, but my values didnt allow that shirt to happen.

I’ve been through these stages:

1st- Chaos and anger.
2nd- Sadness.
3rd- Acceptance.

On the 2nd stage, I naturally amplified my flaws and felt very guilty of the situation, as a man I know I have responsibility for many things that happened- didnt happen. So I talked to her, thanked her for the relationship and apologized for the things I could had done better and didn't do. (Still i didnt ask for 2nd chances) just being grateful and honest about my flaws.
In that moment I cried (i hadnt cried since i left my country and said goodbye to my family 5 years ago)... This was an honest cry, I couldnt help it. But instantly magic happened I felt released. I felt how sadness disappeared and felt released.

Now we’re still living together. I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
We still have to live together for like 6 months more in order to get her papers and then it’s over forever.

I am excited to get into the game again. As for now, I must work on myself first.

The purpose of this post is for young guys dont ignore the red flags as I did:

Center of attention - Narcissistic
****ed up life and problems won't go away, they will evolve in other ones.
If she is a complainer she will always be and wont be grateful no matter what happens.
Failed relationships- one of her exes was very crazy about her and she lost interest and dumped him.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BALLS… I shutted up my mouth several times in order to avoid drama and her tears (you know, manipulation)...But it was my responsibility, I let it happen.
Take care of your sex life.
Also, be honest with your flaws but don't maximize them. Our instinct is to think we’re the biggest crap in the world and women smell that and try to make you feel worthless whenever they can.

Also, I am open to suggestions and advices, it’s hard to start over at 30’s but I know this forum has wise and experienced guys. Sorry for the long azz post.

You did the right thing man. I met my soon to be ex wife 7 years ago my senior year of college and got married young (24 y.o). We were married for 3 years, but 3 MONTHS into our marriage I found out she was talking to another guy from the gym. She ended up going to counseling because she felt like she was lashing out from her 'depression' to which her psychologist diagnosed her with severe depression and trouble accepting the new role as a wife (which I thought was complete bulls!t but I was willing to try to make things work as it had only been 3 months).

Just about 6 months ago I found out she was doing THE SAME THING with a guy in the gym (different state though, we had moved since the first incidence). But before I found out about this second incidence she came home one day, out of the blue, much like your wife and said she wasn't happy, there was a "void in our marriage", she felt more like roommates, etc. And honestly man - I was not happy. I couldn't agree more with you. She was a narcissist, she had bipolar depression, and she was DRAINING ME.

I did exactly what you did. Said I didn't love her anymore and wanted a divorce. Of course, once I wanted things there was push back and suddenly she wanted to go to marriage counseling again, have me talk to her parents who I was very close with, attempt to make things work, etc. But no F!CKING way was I going to take her back a THIRD time. Trust me man, the next few months with be tough. It will be an emotional roller coaster. Some days/weeks you'll feel like things are improving, then something will bring your attitude back down. I hope your wife acts better than mine did with everything. She couldn't have been more petty and vengeful since ultimately I was the one who verbally said "I want a divorce" first. I spent a pretty penny on a lawyer, but it was well worth it to know I was covered. Fortunately I was only married 3 years and we have no kids so she didn't really have a leg to stand on when it came to the law (alimony, child support, etc.). But we had to sell our house - which she helped do as little as possible for..

Anyways, you'll be good bud. This time next year, or even sooner, you're going to look back at this time and just laugh at how ridiculous she acted and how happy you are to be single again. My divorce should be finalized next month and I've already got two plates spinning and WAY more peace of mind knowing I'll never have to spend one more night with her draining attitude.

Good luck my man. Reach out if you have any further questions.
 

Desdinova

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I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
You know what I would say? Fvck that 5hit. Let her deal with her own fvcking citizenship. After all, she said this:

She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
Give her that fvcking alone time. Yes, it's going to be 5hitty, so make her swallow her own 5hit. She doesn't want you for sex or companionship. She wasted 7-8 years of your life and you're still going to allow yourself to waste time on her by helping her with her citizenship? You're essentially rewarding the dog for 5hitting on the carpet. She's going to continue demanding that you do things for her. Don't get caught up in that. She'll use you as much as you let her.

Again, give her that alone time. Let her "do things for herself". Punish the bytch for wasting your time by taking it away from her.
 

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Apa-thy

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All your comments are GOLD and well-appreciated.

You made me notice that I was being “too good” And I wasn’t letting the situation have consequences.

She wants the relationship to be over = It’s over,No citizenship

When she saw me more decisive about divorcing, she told me she wanted to try again and that maybe she was making a mistake, I agreed and told her we were going to get counseling. We planned to go by the end of this month.

Then I felt this intuition that something was not right. She uses a lot a singing app (Social network kind) and scroll to the days she wanted “time and space” and there was this guy she used to sing several songs and put comments on the songs they were singing (guy lives in another country)... And now they don't, in fact, now they don’t follow each other on the same app. So I saw a pattern.

I noticed that in each comment he used to call her by her 2nd name. There were not compromising comments, yet the comments were too frequent.

I decided to take a risky move, and told her:
“You were doing something wrong during the time you wanted to be alone. Right?”
She denied, and acted surprised.
So I replied “Are you being honest?” and called her by her 2nd name. (Like that guy used to do).
She denied again but this time i could see in her face she wasn’t being honest. So i told her “Well if you are not willing to tell the truth, there is no any sense in talking with you”
I stood up to take a shower and before I left she told me she was talking with a guy
on that time.

-Now she regrets it, she started talking to him after she asked me for time, he was not the reason for that decision… Blah blah blah……….
(this happened 1 hour ago).

I acted the most decisive possible and said we are divorcing next week.

I’ll try to find another place to live ASAP.

So that’s it… Now I know why she friendzoned me.

Ironically the other guy stopped talking to her bc he went back with his EX.

IDK what else to say… this is fvking hard and think my head is going to explode.
 

Lookatu

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It sucks dude but at least you stood up for yourself and opened your eyes sooner than later.

I know it can be tough to move on but you'll be happy in the long run. Keep positive. :up:
 

samspade

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Try not to dwell on what she did because your imagination will run amok.

Instead focus on your decisions - how fukking stone cold you are and that you're doing it for the right reasons.

Think about how here and now you are taking charge of your life and it feels great. And fantasize about all the great things to come because of your cojones.
 

BeExcellent

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You're kind enough to get her the citizenship, she better cover her own expenses since the only reason you're living there is to get her that.

You have strong leverage here, she can pay her own expenses or you move out and she can forgo citizenship.
Advice from the old lady:

She pays her way or you move out and she loses her citizenship option. Do NOT be Mr. Nice Guy here. Use your leverage. Lay down the rules. Either she does as you say or she loses something she really values.

Additionally Id suggest you require her to leave you financially whole as she leaves the marriage. That’s only fair. After all she can always go back to the home country and start over there, right?

Be tough. She’s the one with much to lose if she’s an idiot here.
 

King Lion

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Advice from the old lady:

She pays her way or you move out and she loses her citizenship option. Do NOT be Mr. Nice Guy here. Use your leverage. Lay down the rules. Either she does as you say or she loses something she really values.

Additionally Id suggest you require her to leave you financially whole as she leaves the marriage. That’s only fair. After all she can always go back to the home country and start over there, right?

Be tough. She’s the one with much to lose if she’s an idiot here.
Well sighted and stated.
 

redskinsfan92

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Man, that's rough. You did the right thing by ending it.
 

FuzzX

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Get some VR and spend your time in Fallout or Subnautica, the 6 months will fly by.
 

GT40

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I just think you should cut your losses. Move out or send her packing. She’s dragging you into her dread.
She will use you to get those papers. Then you’ll never see her again. Send her home man. She doesn’t deserve you.
 

GT40

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Just read some more.
I suspected she was getting attention else where but didn’t want to say that yet. No kids so just move on. She’s using you friend. She likely has others she talks to as well.

Don’t pay six months rent. She needs to go and now. You deserve better. She’s not going to try very hard once she becomes a citizen.
Think about it.
 

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