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Hello, this is based on my experience and from what I have been reading, there are a bunch of similar cases.
When I graduated from college 7 -8 years ago, I started dating this girl who graduated with me, even though we were not friends when we were studying the same career. She portrayed the image of being very sweet, extroverted and enjoyed being the center of attention, and since I am an introvert person (Not shy) i found that attractive.
She was kinda broken with her life (abusive ex boyfriend, parents, church, anorexia, etc) and I found some empathy for her “poor life” so I started a LTR with her. At first everything was as expected, we were having good sex (I was her first sex partner 24yo), since it was an extrovert-introvert relationship she would talk a lot and I would listen.
We were living in a very poor, dangerous country with lack of opportunities and since my grandparents were europeans I inherited the citizenship. In that moment I had the greatest idea “let’s get married (to get her the papers) and move to Europe”. And after 2 years of relationship we did! no proposal, no fancy wedding she would be ok with that.
As expected, when we moved to Europe with little money and no job, things got complicated because we had to do demanding jobs for low pay (As most inmigrants arriving to a new country especially in small town). On that moment she started bitttching more and more about how horrible and miserable was her life, it was draining my energy and I felt guilty. that brought out bad consequences, bad sex life being the most notorious, we were having intercourse 1 a month and it sucked (i didnt feel like having sex).
.After 2 years I found a decent job and we improved our economic life, and I had more energy and time to share with her. But sex life never improved, this time she was the one who didnt want because it hurted, she was having panic attacks and suffering from anxiety so i understood it and didnt force the situation.
2 years later (4 months ago) we moved to a big city in order to get a better life but one day she suddenly wakes up not talking with bad attitude and giving one-word-answers. I asked several times if there was something wrong, she said “nothing wrong”. 3 days later i ask her “are you going to tell me what is happening with you?” She said “you’re asking me now”... I was like WTF? I have asked several times.
She told me:
- She thought she didnt love me anymore.
- I am a great man. But she saw me as a roomie and not as a husband
- She deserves to be happy.
- She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
- She didnt get a proposal and didnt have the wedding she dreamed about so she felt frustrated and unhappy.
- She wants someone who is crazy about her and I am not.
My straight answer was: “Let’s divorce” no bitttching, no crying, no asking for 2nd chances. After 6 years she thinks she doesnt love me, I am not playing that game.
Tbh i was badly hurt, but my values didnt allow that shirt to happen.
I’ve been through these stages:
1st- Chaos and anger.
On the 2nd stage, I naturally amplified my flaws and felt very guilty of the situation, as a man I know I have responsibility for many things that happened- didnt happen. So I talked to her, thanked her for the relationship and apologized for the things I could had done better and didn't do. (Still i didnt ask for 2nd chances) just being grateful and honest about my flaws.
In that moment I cried (i hadnt cried since i left my country and said goodbye to my family 5 years ago)... This was an honest cry, I couldnt help it. But instantly magic happened I felt released. I felt how sadness disappeared and felt released.
Now we’re still living together. I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
We still have to live together for like 6 months more in order to get her papers and then it’s over forever.
I am excited to get into the game again. As for now, I must work on myself first.
The purpose of this post is for young guys dont ignore the red flags as I did:
Center of attention - Narcissistic
****ed up life and problems won't go away, they will evolve in other ones.
If she is a complainer she will always be and wont be grateful no matter what happens.
Failed relationships- one of her exes was very crazy about her and she lost interest and dumped him.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BALLS… I shutted up my mouth several times in order to avoid drama and her tears (you know, manipulation)...But it was my responsibility, I let it happen.
Take care of your sex life.
Also, be honest with your flaws but don't maximize them. Our instinct is to think we’re the biggest crap in the world and women smell that and try to make you feel worthless whenever they can.
Also, I am open to suggestions and advices, it’s hard to start over at 30’s but I know this forum has wise and experienced guys. Sorry for the long azz post.
You know what I would say? Fvck that 5hit. Let her deal with her own fvcking citizenship. After all, she said this:I am going to help her to get her citizenship since I am a generous person and i am grateful for this ltr.. It wasnt all bad, we had very good times too.
Give her that fvcking alone time. Yes, it's going to be 5hitty, so make her swallow her own 5hit. She doesn't want you for sex or companionship. She wasted 7-8 years of your life and you're still going to allow yourself to waste time on her by helping her with her citizenship? You're essentially rewarding the dog for 5hitting on the carpet. She's going to continue demanding that you do things for her. Don't get caught up in that. She'll use you as much as you let her.She wasnt sure if she wanted to leave me, maybe she needed some time alone.
Advice from the old lady:You're kind enough to get her the citizenship, she better cover her own expenses since the only reason you're living there is to get her that.
You have strong leverage here, she can pay her own expenses or you move out and she can forgo citizenship.
Well sighted and stated.Advice from the old lady:
She pays her way or you move out and she loses her citizenship option. Do NOT be Mr. Nice Guy here. Use your leverage. Lay down the rules. Either she does as you say or she loses something she really values.
Additionally Id suggest you require her to leave you financially whole as she leaves the marriage. That’s only fair. After all she can always go back to the home country and start over there, right?
Be tough. She’s the one with much to lose if she’s an idiot here.
Put away your credit card.
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