friend, girlfriend, or nothing

[rees26]

I have been reading your articles recently and really enjoy them. They are filled with insight and answers that I have always needed.

I have a situation with an ex best friend. We have known each other for years and when we first became friends we where really there for each other but eventually I moved away and did not talk to her for almost four years.

I recently came back into the area, after a trip around the world and becoming a single dad. On a day I was feeling particularly lonely I decided to look her up and give her a call. Apparently I called just at the right time because she was having trouble with her husband who she is separated from and has two kids with.

Long story short, she expressed great interest in seeing me and after that she expressed great interest in me. So we broke the rules and got together. It was great because I felt such a strong bond with her that I knew this had to be meant to be, it was fate. Everything seemed to be going fine until one day I freaked out on her because she did not call me after a night of partying. I told her that I was upset because I genuinely cared about her well being. But that didn't help and needless to say a few days later she pulled the " I just want to be friends card". Her excuse was that her best friend is my ex and she thinks that she would not like us being together.
That was years ago though and I feel like it's just an excuse.

I understood though, I ****ed up, so after a couple of attempts to get her to reconsider, I gave up and decided that friends was better than nothing.

I tried it for a couple of weeks, calling her to see how things where going, not pressuring her at all. When she and her kids got sick I tried to be supportive, but I soon came to realize that I was the one making all the effort and she was making none. So I decided to test her and I stopped calling and e-mailing, I haven't done anything and neither has she. The problem is that I still have strong feelings for her even though I have other girls who want to be with me all I can think about is her.

Is there any way to salvage a relationship with her?

Down and Out Steve

 

[Mischka]

Hi and welcome rees26. Maybe it would help you, if you answer my 3 questions.

Long story short, she expressed great interest in seeing me and after that she expressed great interest in me. So we broke the rules and got together.

What rules? Tell me what the rules are.

Everything seemed to be going fine until one day I freaked out on her because she did not call me after a night of partying. I told her that I was upset because I genuinely cared about her well being. But that didn't help and needless to say a few days later she pulled the " I just want to be friends card". Her excuse was that her best friend is my ex and she thinks that she would not like us being together.
That was years ago though and I feel like it's just an excuse.

At least you see this was an excuse. But now tell me: If it was an excuse, what was the real reason?

I understood though, I ****ed up, so after a couple of attempts to get her to reconsider, I gave up and decided that friends was better than nothing.

Yes you f****ed up big time. But actually it is not that bad, since you learned something. Tell me: why is being friends better than nothing?

 

[rees26]

I don't know

Thanks for your response,

The breaking the rules meant that we where going from friends to relationship.

I don't know what the real reason was other than she was not ready for a relationship and I scared her away.

Yeah I did learn something, but I miss her and it is hard to think I won't ever talk to her again.

 

[Jamo]

well

Tell me: why is being friends better than nothing?

It is your call here, but if she has a good network of hot single female friends, then be smart about it.

 

[OpenMind]

"The problem is that I still have strong feelings for her even though I have other girls who want to be with me all I can think about is her. "

You got this part right buddy. This IS a major problem. MEN ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE STRONGS FEELINGS FOR A WOMAN! SHE IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR YOU. Who ever told you that this was ok? Stop watching Hollywood movies and don't get feelings for a woman again.... it's ok to be attracted to her, it is a sin to have strong feelings for her..

 

[rees26]

"The problem is that I still have strong feelings for her even though I have other girls who want to be with me all I can think about is her. "

You got this part right buddy. This IS a major problem. MEN ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE STRONGS FEELINGS FOR A WOMAN! SHE IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR YOU. Who ever told you that this was ok? Stop watching Hollywood movies and don't get feelings for a woman again.... it's ok to be attracted to her, it is a sin to have strong feelings for her..

your right, plus, she wasn't that great in bed. I have to find other avenues. thanks for the insight.

 

[DJDamage]

I understood though, I ****ed up, so after a couple of attempts to get her to reconsider, I gave up and decided that friends was better than nothing.

I tried it for a couple of weeks, calling her to see how things where going, not pressuring her at all. When she and her kids got sick I tried to be supportive, but I soon came to realize that I was the one making all the effort and she was making none. So I decided to test her and I stopped calling and e-mailing, I haven't done anything and neither has she. The problem is that I still have strong feelings for her even though I have other girls who want to be with me all I can think about is her.

Is there any way to salvage a relationship with her?

You didn't fvck up. Your actual AFCne'ss helped you get out of a sticky situation. This woman who is not divorced with kids that has problems with her man wanted to get away for a bit. You provided that distraction she needed from her 'real life'. After you acted like a pvssy she decided that you were one and pulled the "lets just be friends" line which is an actual translation for: "I am trying to be nice and not say get the fvck away from me stright to your face ". Now you are trying to win her back by being an emotional tampon allowing her to walk all over you like a doormat in hoping you win her back??!!!

You are not going to win her back. She was damaged goods to begin with and you lost her for good. Thank the stars you didn't end up with a girl (whom you clearly have oneitis for) who wasn't really interested you in the first place. Now go read the DJ Bible and start acting like a man.

DjDamage

 

[rees26]

You didn't fvck up. Your actual AFCne'ss helped you get out of a sticky situation. This woman who is not divorced with kids that has problems with her man wanted to get away for a bit. You provided that distraction she needed from her 'real life'. After you acted like a pvssy she decided that you were one and pulled the "lets just be friends" line which is an actual translation for: "I am trying to be nice and not say get the fvck away from me stright to your face ". Now you are trying to win her back by being an emotional tampon allowing her to walk all over you like a doormat in hoping you win her back??!!!

You are not going to win her back. She was damaged goods to begin with and you lost her for good. Thank the stars you didn't end up with a girl (whom you clearly have oneitis for) who wasn't really interested you in the first place. Now go read the DJ Bible and start acting like a man.

DjDamage

ok so it took me a few days to realize that your right, I was being a pvssy. but I got over it. thanks for the advice though, but I'm not trying to win her back haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks and don't plan to. i know the game, sometimes i forget though, forgive me.

 

[flexion_]

No, there is no way to salvage this relationship. You have oneitis. She doesn't.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

REES26, Let's review the actual Rules you broke:

1.) You dated a single (or soon to be) mother. I know the caveat that a lot of men with kids like to use is that they have kids too so it's OK. It's not OK - you only create more problems for yourself AND your kid. A single, childless woman is always preferable to single mommy.

2.) It is SEX first, then FRIENDSHIP, not the other way around. This is a tripping point for you. You need to unlearn this stupid feminine idealization. Good friends don't have great sex. You cannot negotiate desire with friendship. Also, "friends" is not "better than nothing." You have a major 'scarcity' mental schema.