Friend (Girl) Flaked - Any Next Steps?

[guru1000]

Forgot to mention,

Whatever you are SCARCE in, you have a GENUINE NEED for.

 

[aliasguy]

Hey Alias,

When I first read "SPINNING PLATES", I laughed.

Now I understand.

You say you are not DESPERATE or NEEDY. I say that is not possible if you do not have one or more PLATES. Even with one plate, you will be NEEDY to an extent. You may be a good actor, but ACTING doesn't cut it. It needs to be genuine.

When you were younger and all PUMPED UP with testosterone, your attitude was different. You had a "I DONT GIVE A F*CK" attitude. That attitude brought you young women.

Now you are MATURE MAN going after grown women. Maturity with NEEDINESS is a DISASTER.

I say you cannot DEMONSTRATE GENUINE TRAITS OF NO DESPERATION with a scarcity mentality combined with low GENUINE CONFIDENCE stemmed from the scarcity.

Spin Plates!

Here is the golden question, how can I spin plates when I cannot find 1 plate to kill the scarcity?

Go after a low level plate and ALWAYS keep her in the reserves.

Yeah, I hear you Guru. I'm not needy or desperate. I've got "Plates." And I don't, fortunately, need "low level" plates. I get the good stuff, buddy. I agree with Rollo on the need to spin 'em.. I have several.

You don't know WHAT I was like as a 20-something. I'm smarter, cooler, wiser, and MORE manly now.

And when I was TOTALLY AFC as a kid, I NEVER got flaked on.

I am NOT hungry for plates. I'm doing fine. It's just that SOMETIMES, I get flaked on now. It NEVER happened before the last few years. I understand I need to work more to stop this, but WHY is it more common now that I am RICHER, SMARTER, LESS NEEDY, more CONFIDENT, etc.

I spin more plates now than ever before in my LIFE. I don't get flakes a lot, but it's more than when I was a big ol' p*ssy way back when. It's confusing.

 

[guru1000]

.
I spin more plates now than ever before in my LIFE. I don't get flakes a lot, but it's more than when I was a big ol' p*ssy way back when. It's confusing.

If you spin more plates now, you answered your question. More pickups, more numbers, more dates ==> more rejections and flakes.

I understand I need to work more to stop this, but WHY is it more common now that I am RICHER, SMARTER, LESS NEEDY, more CONFIDENT, etc.

Sounds like you are a better catch. I assume your plates are better quality.

When you fish for guppies, you rarely get bitten. You might be fishing for sharks now. New ballgame.

 

[aliasguy]

If you spin more plates now, you answered your question. More pickups, more numbers, more dates ==> more rejections and flakes.




Sounds like you are a better catch. I assume your plates are better quality.

When you fish for guppies, you rarely get bitten. You might be fishing for sharks now. New ballgame.

OK, I'll buy that. Thanks.

Any other opinions?

But why no flakes way back when? I shot pretty high then, too. Really.

 

[STR8UP]

Alias-

If you want my opinion it all comes down to the lack of manner and respect of people in general. My guy friends do the same thing and I get PISSED when anyone does it. When I make plans, I make plans. I follow through. other people don't feel the need to respect other people's time. Of course, high interest women won't flake on you, but it's unrealistic to expect every woman you meet to want to marry you the second she meets you.

The thing I have noticed recently though is women with supposed "high interest" turning out to be flakes. the last couple of women i have dated were completely engaged when they were with me, giving me ALL of the classic green lights, then the next time we are supposed to get together they have excuses. Then I call them up a week later and they are ecstatic to hear from me and even start asking ME out for later on in the week, then they turn around and flake. It's the strangest thing. And it has nothing to do with me being desperate. If it doesn't happen....big effin' deal. For some reason it usually works out that if I get flaked on someone else calls me up anyway with a better proposition.

I'm with you.....it's a lot worse today than it was in the past.

 

[iqqi]

I've been stood up both in plans and phone calls recently, since I got back in the dating game. It seems to be common these days, and it isn't just something women do to men.

Most of my friends who get stood up still talk to the guy afterwards, but because of this site, and books like he isn't that into you (lol), I won't give the guy the time of day until he addresses it.

My policy for getting stood up is:

1. I might make an initial call or text just to do my part, around the time of the date, just so he can't say he "forgot".

2. If he doesn't call back, answer, or respond... I got stood up. If he calls later, but doesn't address standing me up, I will bring it up ONCE. If he plays dumb I will not respond to him further, until he owns up and explains and attempts to redeem himself.

If he admits to it, then he needs to explain, and attempt to redeem himself.

3. I will not contact him. I WILL be civil if he sees me in public, and even give him a chance to address the stand up. If he doesn't, then I will brush him off and initiate conversation with someone else.



The funny part is, so many people are used to doing this, and having this being done to them, and letting it slide, that I think they don't know WHAT is going on when I just "lose interest". But I am not going to spell it out for anyone, who is just being a wimp about being a jerk.

It is hard though, especially when I really liked them, and we connected really well. I WANT to just call them up, spell it out, and go on with the show.

But the truth is, if they stand you up and then play it off, there is probably worse things that they will do to you down the road... and play it off as well. I like to NIP that one in the bud.

 

[PhatE1vis]

OP here. Great disucssion, just read through the responses and saw some good insight (with the exception of Latinoman who seems to have his head up his a** as I'm honestly not looking for a hookup. This was about courtesy and a 3-yr friendship that I was trying to salvage, not some secret bid for another hookup. Suggest rereading my original post there, son).

Anyway, the situation came to a head last night. I swear some women have ESP. I was online working and she sent and IM saying hi. I asked her what was up and she said she just wanted to catch up. I told her it was good to hear from her but that I was busy with work at the moment (which I was) and would talk to her soon.

As many pointed out, I'm not receiving much from this relationship so I probably won't contact her again anytime soon. However, I maintained control with my response last night both by being civil and by keeping the ball for future contact in my court.

 

[MacAvoy]

Great job Elvis. I think you played it perfectly. You recognize that you gain little from this friendship. The only reason I really have female friends is for hookup reasons, aka nail their friends. However in the town I'm in now, I've nailed most of my female friends and am in the friend zone with them but they still have value because of the women in their circle, I'm always lookin for new prey.

However if I wasn't in this small town, I wouldn't have female friends, except to get their friends. With you having a g/f, I don't see any value in keeping her around.

But none the less, you have the power in this friendship right now. Keep it that way.

 

[PhatE1vis]

Thanks, Mac. I feel better about the situation and your comment about examining what I'm getting out of the friendship made me rethink things. I'm still miffed that she didn't apologize for flaking, but blowing her off in a nice way last night made me feel different about the whole thing.

Iqqi - very mature perspective and strategy. Thanks!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The backstory: we've been friends for about 3 years. We started as friends, went through a very brief period where we hooked up, and then went back to being friends.

Women have Boyfriends and Girlfriends. If you're not ƒucking her, you're her Girlfriend.

For 3 years you've been playing 'friends' with this girl hoping she'll miraculously desire you once she sees what a great BF you'd really be. 3 years wasted, think of what you might have done with the time and effort you've patiently put into even considering this girl. You expect that the desire and real passion necessary for a good relationship will devlop from friendship, but you've got it backwards. It's sex first, then, maybe, friendship. A spontaneous physical, chemical, attraction is necessary for genuine desire - ANYTHING ELSE IS NEGOTIATION - and you cannot negotiate genuine desire. You will never plead your case so well that a woman with no desire for you will have genuine passion for you.

Far too many AFCs buy into, and parrot back, this feminized idea that friendship should be a precursor for desire. This is only self-defeating as it bypasses the needed, uncertainty, sexual tension and anxiety for real desire to devlop. When you are physically aching for a woman who's also aching for you IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE. Its supposed to be, it's real desire. When you set an example of being so patient that you'd play friends for so long, you become familiar, common and comfortable - not someone she can't wait to ƒuck.

Now I'm sure there's going to be the obligatory outcry from the people who'll claim they're exceptions to this rule. "Not in my case, I had a girl-friend who I banged,.." and to each of these instances I'll show you a girl who had her first or second options dry up before she did hook up with you - which is an even worse position to be in with regards to desire. If you were the best thing she had going after playing friends with her and patiently waiting your turn for her intimacy, it's time to reassess your own options.

 

[PhatE1vis]

RT - Point taken, but that's not the situation here. I went down the attraction road with this girl. We had sex a bunch of times, we didn't have the same goals to turn that into a relationship, but we still liked each other and kept the friendship.

I think it's miopic to think that men and women can only have sexual attraction for each other, exclusive of all other forms of human interaction. That's very black and white thinking. Is getting sex all you're about? I personally have other interests.

I agree that many guys try to get to a chick by feigning friendship in the hope that it blossoms into something more. That's not my style and I agree it's not something that works well.

But if I see something of value in someone, which I thought I saw with this girl, I'm not going to throw that away just because she has a vagina instead of a penis.

This whole "DJ" mantra of proclaiming that girls aren't worth anything if you're not f*cking them or using her to f*ck someone else is just not how I want to live. It also doesn't seem like a very mature outlook.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

I have to disagree with you here. If she's just a friend (which she is now) then it SHOULD be a big deal. Would you do this to one of your boys? I wouldn't.

What you're arguing here is that there's something inherently wrong with women, making them incapable of maintaining a long-term friendship when something comes along to distract them.

Despite the cynic in me, I refuse to believe that it's a problem with all women. It has to be this one person, which is why I called her low quality.

Oh, make no mistake about it, if she was really your friend, she wouldn't do it. If she was interested in you, she wouldn't flake. If you recall any of my posts on this type of stuff, I am the last one to tolerate waste of my time and second class behavior.

She knows you want to give her the meat. She smells your hiden agenda (as in there is interest to perhaps, errr, for sure, hit it in the future), so she knows you have some interest. She is not interested, now, for the moment. Why should she? She has a man. When a girl is interested she will find a way to get together with you. Period, end of story.

 

[PhatE1vis]

GoL - we're on the same page here. I know if she was really my friend, she wouldn't do it. That's my whole point with this post. She's shown that she's not my friend.

Sex just must not be as big a deal for me as it is for you guys. I don't have a problem finding it, so I'm not harboring hidden agendas with every woman in my life. This girl and I were attracted to each other at one point, but life goes on and so did we.

My problem with the flake is how discourteous it is. No call, no acknowledgement. It would be one thing if it was someone I just met, but it's another when it's someone who has been in my life for a while. All she had to do was call and say "Can't make it" and this whole thing would have been a non-issue for me.

 

[Latinoman]

Women have Boyfriends and Girlfriends. If you're not ƒucking her, you're her Girlfriend.

For 3 years you've been playing 'friends' with this girl hoping she'll miraculously desire you once she sees what a great BF you'd really be. 3 years wasted, think of what you might have done with the time and effort you've patiently put into even considering this girl. You expect that the desire and real passion necessary for a good relationship will devlop from friendship, but you've got it backwards. It's sex first, then, maybe, friendship. A spontaneous physical, chemical, attraction is necessary for genuine desire - ANYTHING ELSE IS NEGOTIATION - and you cannot negotiate genuine desire. You will never plead your case so well that a woman with no desire for you will have genuine passion for you.

Far too many AFCs buy into, and parrot back, this feminized idea that friendship should be a precursor for desire. This is only self-defeating as it bypasses the needed, uncertainty, sexual tension and anxiety for real desire to devlop. When you are physically aching for a woman who's also aching for you IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE. Its supposed to be, it's real desire. When you set an example of being so patient that you'd play friends for so long, you become familiar, common and comfortable - not someone she can't wait to ƒuck.

Now I'm sure there's going to be the obligatory outcry from the people who'll claim they're exceptions to this rule. "Not in my case, I had a girl-friend who I banged,.." and to each of these instances I'll show you a girl who had her first or second options dry up before she did hook up with you - which is an even worse position to be in with regards to desire. If you were the best thing she had going after playing friends with her and patiently waiting your turn for her intimacy, it's time to reassess your own options.

Exactly...that's why I posted:

This guy still has the hots for her "friend". In reallity...this guy is the type of AFCs that I consider the weakest of all. The type that use "friendship" to hide their real intentions.

Dude...if you truly want to be a DJ...I suggest you start focusing on your woman and on yourself. The "she is my friend" is total B.S. You just HOPING to get laid or "hook up" again. And you want to do it under the WEAKEST and MOST PATHETIC of circunstances...under the "friendship" curtain.

 

[Latinoman]

She knows you want to give her the meat. She smells your hiden agenda (as in there is interest to perhaps, errr, for sure, hit it in the future), so she knows you have some interest. She is not interested, now, for the moment. Why should she? She has a man. When a girl is interested she will find a way to get together with you. Period, end of story.

Exactly.

 

[PhatE1vis]

Exactly.

I'm sad for you.

 

[chevelle]

Some of you guys take your own advice as the gospel. Yes, i agree in most cases, friendships never turn into relationships--but in life every situation is different.

I befriended a girl, we talked on and off for roughly 2 years. She ended up confessing her love for me, and i didn't reciprocate her affection. I liked her a lot as a friend, i liked her look, but i was smart enough to know to not play with fire. She cheated and lied way to much, for me to be the next chump in line to get burned.

Would i still talk to her...yes. Would i still sleep with her...yes. Would i date her...hell no!!!!!!

A lot of the advice here is good to read over, but you need to find your own style. You need to find what works best for you.

 

[Latinoman]

Some of you guys take your own advice as the gospel. Yes, i agree in most cases, friendships never turn into relationships--but in life every situation is different.

I befriended a girl, we talked on and off for roughly 2 years. She ended up confessing her love for me, and i didn't reciprocate her affection. I liked her a lot as a friend, i liked her look, but i was smart enough to know to not play with fire. She cheated and lied way to much, for me to be the next chump in line to get burned.

Would i still talk to her...yes. Would i still sleep with her...yes. Would i date her...hell no!!!!!!

A lot of the advice here is good to read over, but you need to find your own style. You need to find what works best for you.

Wasting TWO years of your life...that's the DJ way {sarcasm}. Two years, I finished my Masters Degree. In less than a year, I had a promotion in my new job. But in two years you talked with your "female friend". Are you that needy for sex?

 

[iqqi]

RT - Point taken, but that's not the situation here. I went down the attraction road with this girl. We had sex a bunch of times, we didn't have the same goals to turn that into a relationship, but we still liked each other and kept the friendship.

I think it's miopic to think that men and women can only have sexual attraction for each other, exclusive of all other forms of human interaction. That's very black and white thinking. Is getting sex all you're about? I personally have other interests.

I agree that many guys try to get to a chick by feigning friendship in the hope that it blossoms into something more. That's not my style and I agree it's not something that works well.

But if I see something of value in someone, which I thought I saw with this girl, I'm not going to throw that away just because she has a vagina instead of a penis.

This whole "DJ" mantra of proclaiming that girls aren't worth anything if you're not f*cking them or using her to f*ck someone else is just not how I want to live. It also doesn't seem like a very mature outlook.

:rockon:

 

[Latinoman]

:rockon:

I have female friends...some very good looking. But I view them like "sisters". I don't hit on them and I don't flirt with them.

But this dude is writing a thread about a woman he hooked with in the past...and is whining because she did not spend the holidays with him. What about she spending the holidays with family and boyfriend? What about him trying to spend holidays with family and girlfriend? But not...he comes here and cries like a WOMAN.