Friend + ex

[disfunktional]

Hey,

Interested to hear your views on this. A friend of mine, who I have known for a long time, started seeing my ex about a month or two after we split up. She pretty much latched on to him as she couldn't handle being on her own after we split up. We had been together for 7 years, so at the time I was still getting over it and it was the last thing I needed. It's been about 7 months since we split up now and I am well over it. I believe they are still seeing each other, but I think it has been on and off for a while i.e a couple of months ago she asked if I wanted to get back together, I of course said no.

My friend and I don't speak to each other anymore and it has caused a split in our circle of friends. It used to be that we would all arrange to do things together, but it has become somewhat seperated so that we dont cross paths anymore. It pisses me off that it has come to this as it has affected my social life but for a while I haven't really felt any bad feeling towards him. The guy is a total AFC, I think he lost his virginity at 25 and my ex is his first proper girlfriend. For this reason, I can see how he would be easily led into the relationship.

The question is, would you guys forgive him and keep in contact, knowing that he is an AFC who doesn't know any better? Or for you, would it be unforgiveable?

 

[Vulpine]

Bro's before H0's.

Keep in touch, but make sure to ask him repeatedly and often:
"How's my d!ck taste?"

Then, when he gets used to that question, switch it up a bit with:
"How's my fist taste?"

 

[st_99]

Dude, I feel your pain.. I've done it and its happened to me. I've been on both ends of that one and it sucks either way. Chicks have completely destroyed my circle of friends and its really a shame because there's no going back. These "relationships" pretty much never work out in the long run. I guess the important thing is to try and hang with people with integrity although they can be tough to find. I guess if you can forgive your friend maybe wait till they break up (they will) and perhaps you guys can start hanging out again but it probably wont be the same. Sux.

 

[WestCoaster]

Didn't you say she was your EX not your current? Once she's a former, all bets are off, right? Punching someone because he's dating an EX? C'mon Vulpine, that's gotta be the most AFC thing I've heard ... that means you're still sitting around pining for her. Policeman: "Why did you assault your friend?" You: "He's dating my former girlfriend whom I broke up with a long f'n time ago." Cop: "Uh, OK sissy boy, get in the car."

Who gives a f-ck if he's dating your EX, do you expect her to sit around all day knitting and hoping you'll come back?

Here's a novel idea: start dating others.

 

[disfunktional]

Didn't you say she was your EX not your current? Once she's a former, all bets are off, right? Punching someone because he's dating an EX? C'mon Vulpine, that's gotta be the most AFC thing I've heard ... that means you're still sitting around pining for her. Policeman: "Why did you assault your friend?" You: "He's dating my former girlfriend whom I broke up with a long f'n time ago." Cop: "Uh, OK sissy boy, get in the car."

Who gives a f-ck if he's dating your EX, do you expect her to sit around all day knitting and hoping you'll come back?

For a start, I don't want her back. I think you missed the point. He started going out with her shortly after we broke up, at a time when I was trying hard to get over it. At times like that you need support from friends, not for them to start going out with your ex. You can't tell me that if you came out of a 7 year relationship and a good friend started going out with your ex, it wouldn't bother you in the slighest? I'm sure it would.

Here's a novel idea: start dating others.

I already have.

P.S. Vulpine - lol at your post

 

[WestCoaster]

OK, my bad ... but instead of pummeling your "friend" I'd just cross him off the "friends" list ... and don't have him come running to you after he breaks up and/or divorces this woman, which you know will happen.

 

[KontrollerX]

Well I'm not sure this is a question you can really have us answer.

Its more a how do you feel type of thing.

I mean if you feel like forgiving the guy and being friends again then you should do that.

I personally would never be friends with a guy again that started to see my ex.

Of all the millions of women in the world he should have the common courtesy to find someone else.

 

[flexion_]

Of all the women out there your friend has to pick your ex-GF? LOL

Thats too close for comfort for me.

 

[WestCoaster]

Doesn't surprise me, look at this board and there are topics of liking a friend's gal, double date confusion and so forth. The typical male today is one f-ed up dude. I've shown other men and women this message board and they say most of the guys here don't seem real, almost from another planet.

I seem to think so at times, too. Some of the stories here are either total lies or people here live pretty f'd up lives.

 

[disfunktional]

WestCoaster: no worries man. Cheers for the replies guys, I just wanted to see other peoples views on this. I don't think I consider this guy a friend anymore, I know if the tables were turned I wouldn't do that to him. I don't think it is something a good friend should do. I'll continue to not have any contact with him, and leave it at that!

Take it easy.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

DISFUNKTIONAL: Your situation is a pretty common one. The girl is fvcking the Alpha male (or Alpha enough male) and has the AFC male "friend" waiting in the wings to be her girlfriend-confidant. The Alpha drops the girl because he's done with her for any reason, and the AFC male "girlfriend" sees his opportunity (such as it is), plays the savior card and she responds to him because he's familiar with her conditions and wants consolation. This last for a short period of time, but because she's experienced the Alpha previously and makes subconscious comparissons to him with the AFC 'friend', she is motivated to reconnect with him.

I might also add that many other animals have similar mating strategies. Once an Alpha copulates with the females in the pack and loses interest in them, it's then the Betas turn for sloppy seconds. My suggestion is not to stress the whole thing so much and let this guy play 'catch up' to the mental associations you've obviously left with this girl. You really achieve two goals in doing so:

1.) The lasting 'revenge' (for lack of a better term) you can content yourself with is that her mental comparissons of masculinity will have been defined by you and this guy (and future guys) has to 'measure up' to that mental association.

2.) With the knowledge of this, you can better apply yourself to more worthwhile prospective females, rather than applying your efforts and resources to righting some percieved wrong your AFC 'friend' perpetrated. Trust me, leaving this guy in his AFC ignorance is a life-long punishment. In fact this is almost too cruel; you might consider lifting the guy out of his misery once you're past this nonsense and if he's of a mind to learn - but then again probably not.

Try to remember, one man's trash is another man's treasure. Do you think other guys aren't glad to be driving the used car you sold them? Go buy a new car.

 

[disfunktional]

Rollo, that was a fantastic post, I don't think it could have been put any better. Props to you dude.

Take it easy.

 

[Vulpine]

...Punching someone because he's dating an EX? C'mon Vulpine, that's gotta be the most AFC thing I've heard ... that means you're still sitting around pining for her. Policeman: "Why did you assault your friend?" You: "He's dating my former girlfriend whom I broke up with a long f'n time ago." Cop: "Uh, OK sissy boy, get in the car."...

WestCoaster, "How's my fist taste?" was meant to imply to the buddy that he was fisting his ex-gf, not that he was going to punch the guy. Going to blows over a woman is silly. The whole "How's my d!ck/fist taste?" bit is just good-natured ribbing with friends, sort of like "Your mom..." jokes. The fisting bit also implies to his buddy that the ex-gf is "loose". Surely, a good laugh to had by all.

 

[Latinoman]

Hey,

Interested to hear your views on this. A friend of mine, who I have known for a long time, started seeing my ex about a month or two after we split up. She pretty much latched on to him as she couldn't handle being on her own after we split up. We had been together for 7 years, so at the time I was still getting over it and it was the last thing I needed. It's been about 7 months since we split up now and I am well over it. I believe they are still seeing each other, but I think it has been on and off for a while i.e a couple of months ago she asked if I wanted to get back together, I of course said no.

My friend and I don't speak to each other anymore and it has caused a split in our circle of friends. It used to be that we would all arrange to do things together, but it has become somewhat seperated so that we dont cross paths anymore. It pisses me off that it has come to this as it has affected my social life but for a while I haven't really felt any bad feeling towards him. The guy is a total AFC, I think he lost his virginity at 25 and my ex is his first proper girlfriend. For this reason, I can see how he would be easily led into the relationship.

The question is, would you guys forgive him and keep in contact, knowing that he is an AFC who doesn't know any better? Or for you, would it be unforgiveable?

You do whatever makes YOU happy.

But, if I was in the same situation? Personally...I stop contact.
Why? Because, for starters, that was a woman that was in a LTR with you. He put his attraction for heard above you.
And number two; it might give the wrong ideas to others in your close circle of friends.

Now, if it was years later...that's a different story. And still...

It might be a cultural thing (I'm Latino).

 

[Latinoman]

Doesn't surprise me, look at this board and there are topics of liking a friend's gal, double date confusion and so forth. The typical male today is one f-ed up dude. I've shown other men and women this message board and they say most of the guys here don't seem real, almost from another planet.

I seem to think so at times, too. Some of the stories here are either total lies or people here live pretty f'd up lives.

I would venture to say that some of the stories are pretty real (not the "dating success" ones, but the messed up ones).

I agree about the lack of respect for friendship.

I personally view friendship (TRUE friendship) with a lot of value. The thing is...we cannot pick our sibblings. But we can pick our friends. And because of that, I put a lot of value to friendship.

I will never sleep with a friend's or sibbling's woman. A man that does that lacks character. There are many of those out there.

 

[Latinoman]

DISFUNKTIONAL: Your situation is a pretty common one. The girl is fvcking the Alpha male (or Alpha enough male) and has the AFC male "friend" waiting in the wings to be her girlfriend-confidant. The Alpha drops the girl because he's done with her for any reason, and the AFC male "girlfriend" sees his opportunity (such as it is), plays the savior card and she responds to him because he's familiar with her conditions and wants consolation. This last for a short period of time, but because she's experienced the Alpha previously and makes subconscious comparissons to him with the AFC 'friend', she is motivated to reconnect with him.

I might also add that many other animals have similar mating strategies. Once an Alpha copulates with the females in the pack and loses interest in them, it's then the Betas turn for sloppy seconds. My suggestion is not to stress the whole thing so much and let this guy play 'catch up' to the mental associations you've obviously left with this girl. You really achieve two goals in doing so:

1.) The lasting 'revenge' (for lack of a better term) you can content yourself with is that her mental comparissons of masculinity will have been defined by you and this guy (and future guys) has to 'measure up' to that mental association.

2.) With the knowledge of this, you can better apply yourself to more worthwhile prospective females, rather than applying your efforts and resources to righting some percieved wrong your AFC 'friend' perpetrated. Trust me, leaving this guy in his AFC ignorance is a life-long punishment. In fact this is almost too cruel; you might consider lifting the guy out of his misery once you're past this nonsense and if he's of a mind to learn - but then again probably not.

Try to remember, one man's trash is another man's treasure. Do you think other guys aren't glad to be driving the used car you sold them? Go buy a new car.

Outstanding post!

 

[Vulpine]

Speaking of F'd up lives...

I too put a lot of value in a good friendship. I realize that women come and go, and, that guys think with their little head sometimes. My personal rule of thumb about friends and ex-gf's is that if the guy was my friend before I met the woman, then, he'll still be my friend after the woman. Now granted, there are going to be some exceptions. Having a gf of seven years and then having your buddy jump on her almost instantly, that's just poor. I can't honestly say that I would care to stick around that circle of friends much more after that.

Let me relate a little story that is almost surreal.

Myself and two buddies were at a bar. They pointed out a 3 set and called "dibs". Ok, I'll take one for the team and open the set. I ended up with a virtual f-close (she let me tug on the tampon string), and those guys disappeared without even approaching the set at the bar.

It turns out that they retreated to my place, where, I was still sharing a bed with an ex-gf (poor AFC life choices, I know). Upon my return, noone was around, so I went about my "getting home routine". I went to the bedroom to unload my pockets on the dresser. When I fllipped the light on in my bedroom, there was my ex-gf in my bed with my two buddies on either side!
All I said was: "That's hot." I flipped off the light and closed the door. I was super-drunk, so it didn't fully sink in right away what was going on. On the way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take my contacts out, it started to occur to me... uh, where am I going to sleep then? Hey, they're in my bed... in my room! That's my ex! How RUDE! I turned around and headed back to the bedroom to disperse the crowd.

At that point I was moderately ticked off about the disrespect, but not so much about the guys on the ex-gf. It was really none of my business, (it was actually somewhat funny - or sad - depending how you looked at it) except that is was at my place in my bed. Nobody gets to screw in my bed except me.

I got back and went to open the door... they got up and locked it! I lost my cool at that point. I went freight train on the door and naked bodies went scambling for clothes. Nobody got hurt except the door. I told the guys: "When you fvckers sober up, you'll be thanking me. You almost DP'd a beach ball for
chr!stsakes! (she got fat - which is why she was an ex-gf)"

Indeed, they sobered up and appolgized. They were drunk and she took advantage of them. (I should point out that I had been cultivating an "anything goes debauchery" environment for quite a while, so really this behavior was in-bounds, except for the disrespect.) I still hang out with one of the dudes because he's good sh!t, the other guy... he's pretty hopeless, but I talk to him every once in a while.

The moral of the story is... well... there are several, actually. What I mean is, things change, women change, but good guy friends will be around much longer. You'll share far more experiences with a good friend throughout your life than 10 or 15 gf's that will come and go. Sometimes your buddies will do stupid sh!t that you'll get pissed about, but more often than not, they will admit they were wrong and appologize.

Now, every time the "DP the ex" thing comes up, my buddy appologizes profusely and thanks me for breaking it up. We then proceed to have a good laugh about things getting "out of control".

 

[Latinoman]

Vulpine...I think your situation was completely different. In fact, I find it funny (with the possible exception of somebody trying to screw a woman - ANY woman- in YOUR bed).

But this other guy obviously cared for his ex-...was with her for 7 years (almost a "wife" if you ask me)...and when he needed some moral support from his friend...he turned around and what he did was seek the opportunity to get involved with the ex.

When a man is with a woman for 7 years...we know that "love" and stuff like that is involved.

Case by case basis.

 

[Vulpine]

I only used that instance to demonstrate forgiveable versus unforgiveable tresspasses. There was booze involved in my scenario, so it's easy to write it all off.

But in disfunktional's case, this guy is stone cold sober and swooping in after a 7 year relationship. That's not unforgiveable, but quite hard and probably not worth it.

 

[WestCoaster]

Bigger question (and read the Anti-Dump stuff from the bible) ... why was he with someone seven years without marrying them? After a year, you know what you're getting or not getting. Granted, a woman can (and will) change when you marry her, but that will happen whether you know a person seven years or not. Seven years? What more is there to know?

After a year you know what she's all about. If you don't, you're not in a good relationship. If you do know what she's about and don't get married or break-up, you're treading water, IMO.

Life's too short to be in marginal relationships for years and years.