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Frenemies. Cut them off or keep them close?

MrJibbles

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"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Enemies can strengthen you, keeping you on your toes and fueling a competitive spirit, but at what point should a "frenemy" be cut loose?

If any of you remember one of my earlier threads, I had sent a bunch of sexually-inappropriate messages to some chicks on facebook. One of these chicks happened to have a boyfriend, and he got extremely p*ssed off at me. He told all his friends, talked sh*t about me, and word got out. I lost some reputation within his "social circle."

I apologized to him face to face sincerely and shook his hand, but as we all know people will forgive but never forget. After seeing this guy from time to time around town and hanging out with my cousins (he is the friend of some of my cousins' "crew"), he would always avoid me and never acknowledge me. I could tell the dude just hated my guts with a passion.

About a week ago, I ended up hanging out with my cousin and his crew. The guy was there, but I talked to him and we pretended to play it cool like we were buddies. But as the night went on, the dude would put me down in subtle ways. I know the dude has been talking sh*t behind my back for weeks now.

For example, he knows personally that I have addiction issues, and while we were all smoking weed, he started joking with his buddies about "addicts" and "addicts anonymous" groups while I was standing right there. Later on, I could tell he was talking down to me in a patronizing tone of voice, like some 5 year old kid.

Because I was high, I started talking about aliens and jokingly said that weed helps me communicate telepathically with aliens. He thought I was being serious, and asked me all these questions about aliens so all his friends could see how "crazy" or how much of a "loser" I was. He'd give me these other "tests" too to try to make me seem stupid.

He pulled the classic "Put your hands out. What number comes after ten? "*Eleven*". Now how many hands do you have?" Obviously he was tricking me into saying ten, but I said two anyway. So as a back-up, he was like "Oh. Yours are pretty small, eh?" Clever what he did there, especially while he was flirting with some chick at the same time. He was trying to size me up, no pun intended.

The tests continued, and later he asked me questions about if I was happy and told him that, in general, I wasn't, but when I smoke weed, I am. He later told me that I should "hang out" with his crew more often and smoke weed with them. A month or two before, at my cousin's birthday party when we had no beef, he had encouraged me to stay clean. Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion, but it seems the dude wants to keep me in my place as much as possible.

Right now, all my social circle is based around my cousins and their crew, but with this dude being a focal point of the social circle, I know that hanging around with them would just feed into all the negative energy surrounding me. On the other hand, they are the only true "social circle" I have right now. Finding other friends at this point in my life, let alone building up or joining another social circle, would be extremely difficult for me, especially since I'm relatively new in town.

Should I roll with the punches, or cut off the entire social circle completely?

Thoughts?
 

donking

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Wow. Coincidences. I just got off the phone with a frenemy who would not help me in my job search because he didn't "trust" me with a female contact at one of the companies I'm interested in. He didn't want to help me with my job search despite the fact that we have known each other for 9+ years. Well, I just deleted him off gchat and my phone. Next.

People come and go. Only people you can trust is yourself and possibly your mom.
 

comic_relief

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frienemy is the dumbest word ever in my opinion.

- comic_relief
 

SharinganUser

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Frenemy is a chicks word. Seriously, go out and get a hobby like taking judo, and stop putting up with this nonsense.
 

Eternal_water

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I'd never heard this word frenemy until today.

If I was you I know its not ideal but I once cut myself out of a social circle because of "frenemys" and it was a really bad move.

Once you have no social circle its nigh on impossible to build one, so I'd say stick with it.


There is also some good advice in this thread

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=151852

which should help with your situation.
 

SgtSplacker

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You need to stop smoking with this guy. And when he starts asking you stupid stuff don't dignify his questions by answering them. Ask him where he got his PHD a gumball machine?
 

MrJibbles

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SharinganUser said:
Frenemy is a chicks word. Seriously, go out and get a hobby like taking judo, and stop putting up with this nonsense.
Funny you'd say that. I do boxing a day or two every week, and coincidentally this guy attends the same gym as me. The dude tried to AMOG me using this experience too, asking me questions about how I liked the sessions since I'm a beginner. This was when his patronizing tone of voice became the strongest, and I admitted that my sparring partner, my cousin, "beat me up pretty good" one day.

I could tell he felt good about that. I bet he thinks he could beat me at a fight. I'm no Bruce Lee, but I know enough that when it comes to a real fight, technique, especially at our amateur level, wouldn't determine the outcome; whoever is f*cking crazier will. I'd knock the dude straight to the ground. I mean, have you ever fought somebody that actually wanted to die?

I don't think "frenemy" is a chick word. If the guy pretends to be your friend, with the intent of being a hater on a subtle level, then it's fair game. The dude is clearly trying to knock me down a notch on many levels, but glibly acts like he wants to be my friend. I think such psychological dynamics occur in other situations too, such as the workplace. Coworkers may make friendly small talk when they see each other, but hate each other's guts and are actually competing with each other when you see the relationship for what it really is.

I think I'm going to read more on AMOGing for our next encounter.
 

headFirst

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Why surround yourself with people who bring you down? surely you can meet new people.. Ditch the drugs, and set some higher standards in friends.

I'm out in cali working at NASA for an intern, got accepted for NAVY Pilot, and used to serve in the military. I think it's having that high goal, whether you reach or not is when you learn the most about you and what you really want out of life..

I've been in Cali for 3 weeks, and some of the people I hang around with often I feel like i've known for a long while.. You just gotta put yourself out there. I'd stop trying to impress this loser, move on from your past and learn from your mistakes. This guy obviously is bringing you down like the chicks bring us down.. Just implement NC with him ;) you will soon forget why you cared so much about what this guys thinks of you..
 

Zerro

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MrJibbles said:
I don't think "frenemy" is a chick word. If the guy pretends to be your friend, with the intent of being a hater on a subtle level, then it's fair game. The dude is clearly trying to knock me down a notch on many levels, but glibly acts like he wants to be my friend.
I knew a couple such guys from college. Once I realized they had become useless to me and were just trying to drag me down to their level I gave them the boot. I saw one (the one who thought himself to be some sort of PUA) a while later at a professional society meeting and he actually looked all hurt about it like I was some hot chick that had dumped his ass.
 
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