FR: Internet date gone sour

[Double J]

Originally posted by TillTheEndOfTime
One thing I do agree about against internet dating is the expectations in terms of looks. Many girls are quite petty and touch up all their photos or purposely take a shot that sheds off 20 lbs (this happened to me once hehe). This is why you do what Frank said. Don't start off with high expectations and make it quick. Don't drag it on with several long e-mails. Talk to her, meet her and then decide. Don't waste a lot of time fantasizing over what you hope she is and find out who she is. Also note this idea of fantasizing over a women to make her ideal for you can also happen offline.

The biggest problem with internet dating is not internet dating itself, but you. It's funny that you will see some people who have lots of success online and others who don't and write it off as something useless because of their bad experiences. If you feel you've wasted your time with online dating, it's most likely your fault. There is a reason why some people have a lot of success, and it's not all luck. You're your own worst enemy when it comes to internet dating.

Some guys just happen to meet girls that are less looney than others, but in a way you're right, cuz he meets them upon his choosing. I met one girl that had been cheated on while she was engaged so you could imagine the baggage she carried. I met another that had just broken up with her ex and had a thing against men. I also met one that had self-esteem issues/family issues and wanted to see a shrink. Obviously these were red flags indicating that it wasn't worth meeting these chicks, but I went through with it thinking it wouldn't be so bad.

I've met a few others that were more NORMAL but there wasn't chemistry, which is very likely to happen too.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Well, I just got back from my latest date with a woman I just met on the Net. This is the one I posted about earlier where after a brief IM and telephone conversation of less than an hour, we agreed to meet for coffee later in the day. We met at 5:30 in the afternoon, we finished at 2:30 the next morning. And 'yes' this was the one that accused be of being a player before we even met.

 

[S0LID]

That exact thing happened to me this time last year! I met her and she turned out fat, probs all that time sitting down on msn.
Ive met some stunners though.

As for the talking thing, when i have to, I can keep the convo going forever, just by walking around a mall as you americans call it, I have had girls tell me they had a great time.

My current scenario is this hb7, BUT shes in my college, and Ive seen her walking about, PLUS my friend knows her n said shes tidy.

my plan is (since shes doing art too) to walk into the wrong art room (her class). Then the next time i speak to her on MSN I can gage from how she speaks to me if shes still intrested. then I'll go to a club the same time shes there, sorted

 

[Bonhomme]

bassackwards

Internet dating is bassackwards. All this big checklist of points of compatibility, and the last thing you do is find out if there's any chemistry.

OK for making friends, but for dating... unless most women find you super-attractive and you find most women super-attractive .. no good.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: bassackwards

Originally posted by Bonhomme
Internet dating is bassackwards. All this big checklist of points of compatibility, and the last thing you do is find out if there's any chemistry.

OK for making friends, but for dating... unless most women find you super-attractive and you find most women super-attractive .. no good.

So that explains why I am so successful. So you are saying that none of the other DJs on this forum will be capable of sarging online because they aren't attractive enough, right? That they are doomed to failure because they are just 'average.'

So I would guess that this would carry over to face to face meetings too. Actually even more so, if you aren't attractive they will see it immediately and will reject you. So if you are just average looking, you will never be able to be successful with women what so ever, right?

 

[ShortTimer]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
That is almost the norm for people (not just women) who write short novels for their conversations. This is why you should never focus so much effort on digital conversations. These long communications just build up expectations that are hard to achieve when you guys meet.

This actually pertains to something that is happening to me right now. I "met" a girl online; it was by accident I assure you. What I mean is it wasn't a dating site or anything, we just started PM-ing each other on a forum and then it switched to emails and now it's almost-daily phone conversations.

This isn't a romantic thing that has been going on... but I have seen a recent pic of her and she's do-able. LOL Anyhow in a few months there may be a chance where we meet in real life.

In your experience, how different is it between real life and the online world. Since we haven't been building some kind of romance do you think the shock of being in each other's presence will be less?

Of course we may end up never meeting, but I'd like your input if you don't mind. Feel free to ask any questions if you need more detail.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by ShortTimer
...In your experience, how different is it between real life and the online world. Since we haven't been building some kind of romance do you think the shock of being in each other's presence will be less?...

I'm one of only a handful of guys in the forum that believe that there is no difference. Women online are just as real as you are. People will lie or tell you the truth while face to face as easily as anyone online.

The majority of the problems that guys have with using the Internet as a medium is that they constantly make the mistake of working the interaction as if it were a long distance romance or relationship. Long distance relationships/romance only work after a solid foundation is built between the two by regular, face to face interactions with one another.

When online, guys make the mistake of depending on IMs and emails for extended periods of time to not only build rapport but to form familiarity. These things should be done but it is necessary that it is done face to face. The telephone gives it another facet but again, the face to face interaction is the best type of familiarity to build.

Understand that using the Net and the telephone does create familiarity, but guess what type? Internet and telephone familiarity and that's it! This explains why things feel strange when people finally meet after weeks or months of non face to face interactions. No face to face familiarity was ever created. Imagination thus attempts to fill in the blanks but how often are our imaginations accurate?

In a nutshell, guys have a better chance when they meet their love interest sooner than later. The chance of letting imagination set unrealistic expectations are diminished and time isn't wasted on the hopes of what may happen. You literally meet on a different level and then you find out whether it is worthwhile to pursue something more.

 

[Bonhomme]

You read me backwards Francisco

So you are saying that none of the other DJs on this forum will be capable of sarging online because they aren't attractive enough, right? That they are doomed to failure because they are just 'average.'

No. That's far too extreme a statement. It's not all so black and white.

Actually, what I was really getting at is that neither in-person attractiveness nor checklist compatibility is a subset of the other: one could match another's "shopping list" perfectly yet have no "spark" in person, and vice-versa... which you point out yourself in your last post. But chemistry is the sine qua non of a romantic involvement, whereas the "shopping list" is not.

And since most of us -- however attractive -- cannot bed a majority of the women they meet -- or might even want to -- it follows that a majority of the online contacts are not likely to result in a romantic or sexual involvement, regardless of how well the objective criteria are met. When you meet and "click" in person, the essential element of mutual attraction is established straght off.

That's why I see online dating as bassackwards. Not hopeless, by any means, just backwards. That's not to say one can't do very well at it. I suppose a lot has to do with the individuals involved, their charcteristics, strengths, and weaknesses. I stand corrected in that regard.

For the above reasons, I'm obviously absolutely in agreement one should get to meeting in person as soon as possible to see if the chemistry's there ... unless, of course, you're just as interested in meeting new friends or pen pals as finding a romantic partner.

I've had few dates and no relationships come out of online dating, despite having a go at it numerous times and getting a very good % of responses from initial emails I send out. All my relationships and flings, and a vast majority of my dates have resulted from meeting in person.

I'm a tough match, objectively speaking: very, very far from conventional, but don't conform to any "unconventional" stereotypes either (goth, punk, biker, hippie, new age, etc.). Most of the gals I click with in person have criteria that would "disqualify" me had the chemistry not come first. I can honestly say none of my recent relationships would have happened had I responded to the same gal's online profile, in the hypothetical case she had one.