FR: Internet date gone sour

[sapphire]

Just came back from a date with some chick from match.com who initially contacted me.

She was like 20Lbs heavier than what her pic portrayed which was somewhat a disappointment.

I took her to a local bar where we ate some appetizers and drank a few.

To make a long story short, we just didn't click as we did on the phone. It is as if she froze when she saw me. She hardly talked and made little eye contact. I don't know whether it was because she was intimidated or found me hideous.

Oh well, life goes on in the dating jungle.

 

[becker]

Internet dating in general is probably more often a miss than a hit. Problem is that you get crazy women on that, even the good looking ones.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by becker
Internet dating in general is probably more often a miss than a hit. Problem is that you get crazy women on that, even the good looking ones.

Here we go again.... There's no difference between Internet women and women you meet on the street, it's the same women.

The problem is that guys don't know how to qualify. Sapphire, have you ever thought about asking the woman if the picture they have posted is a recent one?

Come on guys, you can't be that gullible...

 

[becker]

I agree that it's generally the same women, and all women are generally pretty whacked out, but the ones that you meet over the internet are riskier because you have no idea what they're like until you meet them in person, and there's the danger of creating an image in your head of what they're like and having them be totally different in person.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Here we go again.... There's no difference between Internet women and women you meet on the street, it's the same women.

The problem is that guys don't know how to qualify. Sapphire, have you ever thought about asking the woman if the picture they have posted is a recent one?

Come on guys, you can't be that gullible...

Damn straight Francisco. I was practically going to repeat this word for word until I saw you already said it.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by becker
I agree that it's generally the same women, and all women are generally pretty whacked out, but the ones that you meet over the internet are riskier because you have no idea what they're like until you meet them in person, and there's the danger of creating an image in your head of what they're like and having them be totally different in person.

Again there is no difference. Psychos are just as good at hiding their psychoticness in person as on the net. Believe me I've met many of them and heard about many of them from friends and people on here. Please help us trash this stigma associated with online dating by trashing these myths people have about it.

 

[becker]

I wouldn't say it's a myth, because that's the way it is. I've been on a few dates with internet gals, and after those experiences, I'd rather just meet them in person. These were good looking girls too, but it's just strange to go from talking online to talking in person. It's way different.

 

[Rogerman]

dont you have to pay for a subscription of membership in such sites as match.com ?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by TillTheEndOfTime
Damn straight Francisco. I was practically going to repeat this word for word until I saw you already said it.

I'd be worried if I were the only one who doesn't see the difference. It seems that some guys makes things more difficult than they need to be.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by TillTheEndOfTime
... Please help us trash this stigma associated with online dating by trashing these myths people have about it.

I think some guys are in such a vicious cycle, that they either attract or gravitate unknowingly to women that aren't the best match for them. It would be interesting to point out how similar the women they meet online are to those they meet on the street. If they choose psycho women on the street, why wouldn't they continue to meet them when they are online.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by becker
I wouldn't say it's a myth, because that's the way it is. I've been on a few dates with internet gals, and after those experiences, I'd rather just meet them in person. These were good looking girls too, but it's just strange to go from talking online to talking in person. It's way different.

Soooo, were you picking up women from the Klingon Chat Room, were you speaking another language? What do you mean that it's different than talking in person? Are you saying that even posting to this forum is strange???

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by Rogerman
dont you have to pay for a subscription of membership in such sites as match.com ?

Absolutely. They're providing a service, why not pay for it? Aren't you paying for your Internet connection if you are using it at home?

 

[becker]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Soooo, were you picking up women from the Klingon Chat Room, were you speaking another language? What do you mean that it's different than talking in person? Are you saying that even posting to this forum is strange???

No, I mean that the girl will seemingly have one personality online, and another when you meet them in person. One girl for example wrote me long multiple-page e-mails that gave off the impression she was lively, very funny, and just a cool outgoing girl, and when I met her, she was this shy, cold fish, introverted girl who was a little bit pathetic, even though she was decent physically.

 

[sapphire]

Originally posted by becker
No, I mean that the girl will seemingly have one personality online, and another when you meet them in person. One girl for example wrote me long multiple-page e-mails that gave off the impression she was lively, very funny, and just a cool outgoing girl, and when I met her, she was this shy, cold fish, introverted girl who was a little bit pathetic, even though she was decent physically.

That is how it was with this girl. She seemed perfectly outgoing on the phone. But when I met her she hardly talked and seemed withdrawn.

After assessing the situation, I believe that, at the risk of sounding full of myself, I overwhelmed her in some way. She was not nearly as good looking in her pic and I am a good looking guy.

I think Becker has a point. At least when you meet someone in person, you don't have to go through the fantazising stage and then be disappointed when your date shows up and she doesn't measure up to your expectations or what she described herself to be. When you meet someone in person, unless you are a total idiot, you can sense what type of person she is or at least know whether you are physically attracted to her or not and not be in a position to waste your time and money.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by becker
No, I mean that the girl will seemingly have one personality online, and another when you meet them in person. One girl for example wrote me long multiple-page e-mails that gave off the impression she was lively, very funny, and just a cool outgoing girl, and when I met her, she was this shy, cold fish, introverted girl who was a little bit pathetic, even though she was decent physically.

That is almost the norm for people (not just women) who write short novels for their conversations. This is why you should never focus so much effort on digital conversations. These long communications just build up expectations that are hard to achieve when you guys meet.

Again this points to qualifying, or lack of. Hopefully you didn't waste a ton of time exchanging emails before meeting her to make your final decision on whether or not to pursue her. Just use the Net as a medium to find and engage a woman that you find attractive. The initial qualifications should usually just be the superficial things (age, eye color, body type, location, basic interests, etc).

Once you engage the woman and determine if you both have piqued one another's interests, move to an in person meeting as soon as possible. This will alleviate the problem that you encountered or at least keep you from feeling cheated because your expectations weren't met.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by sapphire
That is how it was with this girl. She seemed perfectly outgoing on the phone. But when I met her she hardly talked and seemed withdrawn.

After assessing the situation, I believe that, at the risk of sounding full of myself, I overwhelmed her in some way. She was not nearly as good looking in her pic and I am a good looking guy.

Been there. I've even been accused of being a player even before meeting the woman (I have to work on that). I just tell them that I'm not a player, I just play one on TV (in reference to an old television commercial). Then I tell them that we should meet so that she could decide for herself.

I think Becker has a point. At least when you meet someone in person, you don't have to go through the fantazising stage and then be disappointed when your date shows up and she doesn't measure up to your expectations or what she described herself to be. When you meet someone in person, unless you are a total idiot, you can sense what type of person she is or at least know whether you are physically attracted to her or not and not be in a position to waste your time and money.

I agree with this but it the meeting should be done as soon as possible so neither person has a chance to create a fantasy of unfounded expectations. Wasting enough time to receive a multi page email is just setting yourself up for a possible disappointment.

Here's an example, I'm testing out a new site and a woman I hadn't replied to yet was online. I sent her an IM telling her to 'Bite me.' I was flirting in answer to a question she had asked in her initial email to me.

We exchange a couple of messages and I tell her that it's easier to talk on the phone and I told her to give me her number. She gave it to me without hesitation and I called her. We chat for several minutes gaining rapport and making her feel comfortable talking with me.

Then I tell her that I had to go and said that we should finish the conversation over coffee. She agrees and we're going to meet in a couple of hours. The entire exercise took me less than an hour from first replying to her initial email.

Do I have any expectations? Nothing other than I'm going to have a damn good mocha caramel latte at my favorite coffee shop. Plus a woman that I had just chatted with is going to stop by, no big deal, no additional expectations. All I've done is taken a few minutes to decide to have coffee with a new woman I've met online. In less than three hours from now I'll know if I'm going to make an effort to get to know her better.

 

[Double J]

Sapphire, Becker and Francisco - all three of you guys have valid points. I can relate to what the original poster and Becker are saying, because I have experienced it firsthand. As much as we desire it, the transition from communicating in IM/e-mail to communicating face-to-face does not always go smoothly. And this can be avoided, in part, by doing what Francisco is saying - which is to meet as soon as possible before those unrealistic expectations become apparent. But the thing is that many girls online have their guard up and want to "get to know" the guy better for a while. They do this to build some level of trust; they're trying to weed out the ones that are just looking for fun.

Becker is right. I too have spoken to chicks over the internet who give a certain impression, but then in person they're either shy, boring, nervous, or just rude. I guess this happens because girls want you to view them in the best light possible before meeting in person, so they conveniently choose not to mention some of their shortcomings.

Sapphire said:
"I think Becker has a point. At least when you meet someone in person, you don't have to go through the fantazising stage and then be disappointed when your date shows up and she doesn't measure up to your expectations or what she described herself to be. When you meet someone in person, unless you are a total idiot, you can sense what type of person she is or at least know whether you are physically attracted to her or not and not be in a position to waste your time and money."

I couldn't agree more with this. I've said this in almost the exact same words in other posts. Like Francisco and TillTheEndOfTime pointed out, you can just as easily meet a freak online as you can the conventional way in person. But at least meeting in person guarantees an instant attraction (as opposed to meeting someone who looked 50 pounds lighter in a pic), and there is no idealizing/fantasizing period that so many people fall victim to. What you see is what you get.

 

[becker]

Good points, and discussion. My recent experience is definitely in line with the group here that is more against internet dating than for it.

The main reason, which is worth reiterating is that in the end, physical attraction is still pretty key, because you're talking initial meeting between the two of you. Would you approach an ugly gal in person? Probably not likely, and doing this in person risks that you're doing this without even knowing it, which is even worse in my opinion.

In real life, I go up to a girl I find physically attractive, then talk to her and find out if she's cool, then ask her out. Online, you're going in the opposite direction, but at the same time, not necessarily, because anybody can pose as anything over the internet, and even the craziest gals may appear somewhat normal when they're not. Double whammy if they are like this and ugly at the same time. Then you just wasted your time meeting up with her, buying coffee (which gets expensive after doing it too often, which will happen) rather than just finding out then and there whether you want to spend any more time meeting up with her if you do it in person.

Either way though, I'm not totally discouraging internet stuff, but again, I think it's not the best idea to meet up with some random girl who you don't even get to see in person (which allows you to judge her expressions, idiosyncracies, and other intangibles that you can't observe over the internet or phone) just because it is time consuming and often not the most fruitful experience.

Anyways, that's my personal experience, but I'd love to hear people who have had good experiences, if there are any.

 

[insomniac]

Although most women I have met on the internet either look the same or better than their picture or description says, there are the exceptions. I met one that was 5'9 and 50lbs overweight, even though she said 5'6" and average bodytype, and another that said she was 5'9 and actually 5'11", and had put on quite a lot of weight than the picture she had up. I've come to realize headshot only + average body type = overweight. For the most part, I've been able to qualify them fairly well, and have never been stood up.

I used to do the write to one person at a time thing...I'd get a response, dream her up in my head, and be disappointed when meeting in person. Now (or soon to be again after a four month relationship) mostly because I put a really good, near model quality picture of myself up, I can get a few going at a time and be more selective. That way, if one doesn't work out, no big deal.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

One thing I do agree about against internet dating is the expectations in terms of looks. Many girls are quite petty and touch up all their photos or purposely take a shot that sheds off 20 lbs (this happened to me once hehe). This is why you do what Frank said. Don't start off with high expectations and make it quick. Don't drag it on with several long e-mails. Talk to her, meet her and then decide. Don't waste a lot of time fantasizing over what you hope she is and find out who she is. Also note this idea of fantasizing over a women to make her ideal for you can also happen offline.

The biggest problem with internet dating is not internet dating itself, but you. It's funny that you will see some people who have lots of success online and others who don't and write it off as something useless because of their bad experiences. If you feel you've wasted your time with online dating, it's most likely your fault. There is a reason why some people have a lot of success, and it's not all luck. You're your own worst enemy when it comes to internet dating.