"I'm Not Looking for Anything Serious Right Now"

When a woman says it, guys hear a confession. A heads-up. A scheduling conflict.

Here's the translation: I don't feel anything. Right now. With you.

Watch what happens when a man triggers actual attraction. The busy career, the recent breakup, the "not in a place to date" — all of it evaporates instantly. The same woman who was guarding her freedom is suddenly free every night.

The "22 Rules" explain why. When the right switches flip, her timeline rearranges itself around you.

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FR: Can anyone out there approach women *for* me?!

izza

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So I'm sitting at my new job at an art gallery. There's a cute chick who works next door. Meanwhile, I'm washing the windows.

She walks by once. I forget if I said hello, probably did since she caught me whistling (thank you post on vibrato in the anything else section!). Anyway, she smiles at me. As usual, part of my brain is saying, "act, act, ACT!" DO SOMETHING! I promise myself, I swear with all the seriousness of which I am capable, that I will initiate a conversation with her when she comes back. I wash, I wash, and out of nowhere she's back, I panic and then she's gone.

"Every person is capable of making mistakes," I tell myself. The important part is to learn from them. Then with a noble light shining from the heavens, I continue my work in peace and tranquility, knowing that today I had learned an important lesson on the path to a very happy bedroom.

My only wish was to have her return so that I, ever wiser, could apply my lesson.

I continue washing the windows. Suddenly, I look over, and, of course, she's coming. My stomach begins to churn, my hands tremble and sweat. I steel myself for my first words whatever they may be...

Silence. A bird calls.

She's gone.

I kinda stared at her too, and she seems a little creeped out. Still wiping slowly, I kick myself silently for being such a coward. I prepare openers for when she comes back (again) from the car. "I haven't seen you around, have you been working here long?" or "How do you like working at that clothing store?" Or "do you have any berets down there?" At this point I have two excellent, open-ended questions to ask her, and one that's pretty bad.

Now she's coming again. I search deep-down and find rock-iron determination to approach this girl. I am serious about this, and so I will do it, I think. Suddenly, I see the light. Dating is so easy, for it is nothing but action. Why have I always made it so complicated for mys- I freeze.

She's gone.

Damn it, this is so goddamn embarrassing to post this! I would at least like to have the consolation of having tried, of having made some real effort. This is a story about nothing. This is a story about something that took place entirely in my head!

AND, I had begged and pleaded the forces of the universe to give me a second chance. How often do you get a second chance in life, identical to the first, less than 3 minutes later? Either I'm lucky as hell, or she wanted to give me that chance to ask my stupid question and initiate conversation.

At this point, I was so angry that tension had invaded my upper back and was pinching my neck. I was giving the panes of glass a scrubbing they had never seen before. My boss/partner had nothing but compliments for the spotless windows. "Great job. How on earth did you get that packing tape off?"

Meanwhile, I am seething. I always do this. I always make these useless promises - they are not promises, they are empty wishes! - and I always chicken out at the last second. Then I spend the next three hours plotting uselessly for the next time I'm going to be a coward. A perfect plan - even a bad plan - is useless if you don't act!!

I know what you're all thinking. Go talk to her dummy! Believe me, I'd thought of it too. All I could think was that if I went in to talk to her now, it would be too "obvious." Too obvious? It's SUPPOSED to be obvious! They're not supposed to think, I wonder what brand of dishwasher fluid he's going to try to sell me today. Maybe I've been reading too much about these people who say you shouldn't show your interest, shouldn't show desperation, should play it cool. NO! I should be direct and upfront. Is there anything wrong with a guy going up to a girl just because she's good looking, to find out if she's worth the breath to talk to? You know what, I've met women who would reject a man like that out of principle. You know what I've realized?

Fuçk them!!

My reaction to life makes me want to hit something. I could die tomorrow, or next week, or next month, who knows! Even if I die in 80 years, that is the blink of an eye. I would like to at least sit in my grave for eternity knowing I had acted.
 

"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"

Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."

You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.

She's been waiting forty minutes.

Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.

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blinkwatt

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The best thing to do is learn from this,thats it! Don't focus on it,next time you hesitate,think back to how you felt when you let your chance go.
 

Tomatoes

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4 Words...

You.....think.......to.....much

Use the 3 second rule. Throw yourself there and just say hi. Then make it up on the spot. Just get that start in then go from there.

Also i think it may help if you focused on direct approach.

Hey, You seem really cute. Do you fancy going out sometime?

It has a high flake rate but its easier than you thinking up some bull**** reason to say hi that YOU think she will think sounds stupid.

Just get in there. Dont think...
 

LongDrinkofWater

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Thinking too much alright.

Sounds like you were also subconsiously putting all of your eggs in one basket, talking yourself into a oneitis you've never even spoken to.

Say anything, but at least something. "Hi" or "excuse me......(make something up)". Is this little girl going to beat the crap out of you for saying Hi?
 

"You'll Never Feel READY to Walk Over"

Next Monday you'll feel more confident. After the gym you'll feel more confident. After one more drink you'll feel more confident. After you get a better haircut, a better jacket, a better job.

You've been "getting ready" for two years.

She's standing ten feet away right now. She'll be gone in four minutes. No amount of preparation will manufacture the courage that only comes from moving your feet.

Walk over. Stumble through the first sentence. Let it be clumsy. Let it be imperfect. You will feel more alive in those ten seconds than you have all month.

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Randomer

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Chances are even a worst case scenario would feel better than what you're feeling now, right? Just remember that when the time comes to approach, no reason to keep thinking about this tho
 

krasnyiLion

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one question only

where do you live?

if you live around ANAHEIM, OC, or somewhere here, we can wing up

for now though, you already screwed this one up, she has seen you staring and not approaching, (its creepy already) she has seen your body language all nervous and sh*t (weird vibe gives off weird feeling)

so if you live around the area, i deffinately want to get REJECTED again and again and again with you.
so you can see that rejection is not bad at all
 

izza

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Thank you everybody for the thoughts!!

krasnyiLion said:
one question only

where do you live?

if you live around ANAHEIM, OC, or somewhere here, we can wing up

for now though, you already screwed this one up, she has seen you staring and not approaching, (its creepy already) she has seen your body language all nervous and sh*t (weird vibe gives off weird feeling)

so if you live around the area, i deffinately want to get REJECTED again and again and again with you.
so you can see that rejection is not bad at all
Nope, sorry, I don't live in California. Best of luck.

4 Words...

You.....think.......to.....much

Use the 3 second rule. Throw yourself there and just say hi. Then make it up on the spot. Just get that start in then go from there.

Also i think it may help if you focused on direct approach.

Hey, You seem really cute. Do you fancy going out sometime?

It has a high flake rate but its easier than you thinking up some bull**** reason to say hi that YOU think she will think sounds stupid.

Just get in there. Dont think...
That was my conclusion as well. I'm not going to think about women anymore. I have to resign myself to action. The 3-second rule is great, I don't feel like I can follow it though.

ok listen mate when doing something new you have to take baby steps. your obviously new to approaching.

so practice the following on HB's in the street. keep repeating a step until you feel comfortable doing it to any HB.

step 1: ask a HB for the time.
step 2: ask HB for directions.
step 3: ask HB for a 'quick opinion' (works best at a clothing store).
step 4: fluff talk after doing any of the above (openers).
step 5: number close after fluff talk

anyways just take baby steps into this and gradually build on it. remember you may have to repeat a step more then once to be comfortable doing it.

good luck man. "your mind can be your best friend, or your worst enemy"

edit: dont listen to the above poster who says "just throw yourself in their" your setting yourself up for failure...instead ignore her for now, as you have feelings for her, dont look or even think about her.. the 3 second rule works best when you have no emotional attachement to the girl, because if you do then you will beat yourself up even more when you fail.
Dude, I am the man at steps 1-3. As long as I need or want anything from anybody, I have no problem approaching. But once I get to step 4 I SUUUCK! I feel horrible being like, "excuse me do you have the time?" and then twisting this innocent question into an attempt to pick up chicks. I always feel indescribably guilty and foolish - not to mention not smooth AT ALL. Just plain stupid. I'm not saying it's ineffective - I'm sure it works - I just hate doing it. So much.

Siiiiiiiigh. Thanks guys. There's nothing more for me to learn, there's no more planning I can do, there's no more advice I should be taking. I just have to act, no matter how dumb I may find the action in particular. Thanks for your help, but nothing you can say can get my arse in gear, can move my feet or my lips.

Talk on this forum is cheap. Only action in the real world matters.

This is why the 3 second rule is so important.
__________________
"The field never lies"
-Mystery
Amen. Good quote as well.

"Remember how it felt."

Like hell, but even that wasn't bad enough to get my arse out there in the field. Not yet.
 
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izza

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FR: Art Store chick

B'oohhhh!

Time out: Everybody, this is just me venting publicly. Any advice posted, will be read, considered, perhaps followed, but is unnecessary since all I have to do is ACT and I can't!

On the other hand, if you have a story to share about not being able to approach and so forth, it would be extremely welcome!

Time in: Daaaaaang it! Art Store Chick. I walk into, yes you guessed it, the art store, and see art store chick. Unlike clothes store chick, who actually wasn't that hot (which makes it even more embarrassing that I couldn't summon any willpower at all), Art Store chick is fairly high on the scale of attraction. She looks a bit older than I, but is still looking chipper. But what really got my attention was her dancing to country music behind the cash as I walked in. Chicks with energy are more attractive, period.

So, I ask the nearest art chump where to find pens. Art chump shows me. I go to the cash to pay. Art chick knows I saw her dancing. It is an easy lead-in to conversation. Of course, me, I'm in my imaginary world where I think that if I try hard enough to excude an aura of being cool and detached (in particular, by not making any effort at all to start conversation), women will approach me. It's a plausible idea, and well worth a try. The one sticky little problem is that: reality disagrees again and again AND again.

So I'm sitting there silently. She asks me a few business questions, she is extremely nice, she makes a few jokes. I respond tersely. I ask no personal questions or anything, even though there is nobody behind me. There are co-workers hovering over both of our shoulders, so I feel extremely embarrassed. I leave. I cannot help but laugh out loud when I step into the parking lot - I am an incorrigible wimp. Nothing I do, think, or say gets me to act.

When I get back to work, it turns out that I need to go back and get another item from the Art Store. For the second day in a row, my prayers for a second shot are miraculously answered. (What kills me about my attempts to get women is that God lays them out on a red carpet with the words "approach me" written on them). The second time around, I tell her I'm back for more (so he *can* speak...). But then I stick to business, again, for the rest of the conversation. For some reason, as I'm leaving, just in order to have actually said a word to her, I say, "You guys have a crazy job here." Neither her nor her coworker had the slightest idea what I was talking about and neither do I. They stare blankly. I leave as quickly as possible.

Trying to get myself to approach women is like persuading a statue to dance the Macarena.

One thing I'm realizing in writing this. It's not that I'm just a simple coward. One problem is that I have an enormously complicated set of moral rules I set out for myself (usually designed so that I don't have to do something that terrifies me). For example, I would feel guilty approaching art store chick, because I figure she needed to get a job to make money, and I should not take advantage of her need for money by using it as an excuse to hit on her. Meanwhile, she probably took this job to meet artsy men, and her eye contact and smile may well have betrayed the fact that a little conversation would not be unwelcome. I tend to think that everyone is interested in me, but it may not be false in this case.

People say I have too little self-confidence. They are right, I'm working on it.
 
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Phyzzle

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I would feel guilty approaching art store chick, because I figure she needed to get a job to make money, and I should not take advantage of her need for money by using it as an excuse to hit on her.
I know how you feel. You feel like you're being an irritant, like you're bumming change by talking to her. Get that thought out of your head!

If women are sick of being approached, then THEY can start approaching US!

Of course, that's not going to happen. So, by default, it becomes fair game to talk to any stranger chick.

As for girls at work, this is hard because of the IOI's. You can't tell if there's any interest or not, because the warmth could be good customer service.

If you want to save face, you can ask, "so does this place have a policy against giving your number to customers?" If she's not intersted, she can just say "yes they do", without being uncomfortable about rejecting you.

As for having an audience for a pickup, that still bugs me, too. After slipping in some small talk here and there, you can motion her over, away from the other people, to ask for her number.

(Of course, there's nothing emberrassing about asking for digits and getting shot down in front of people. It's just another mental block we have to get over.)
 

"I just moved here from Florida."

That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?

She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."

She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.

I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.

Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.

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izza

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Phyzzle said:
I know how you feel. You feel like you're being an irritant, like you're bumming change by talking to her. Get that thought out of your head!

If women are sick of being approached, then THEY can start approaching US!

Of course, that's not going to happen. So, by default, it becomes fair game to talk to any stranger chick.

As for girls at work, this is hard because of the IOI's. You can't tell if there's any interest or not, because the warmth could be good customer service.

If you want to save face, you can ask, "so does this place have a policy against giving your number to customers?" If she's not intersted, she can just say "yes they do", without being uncomfortable about rejecting you.

As for having an audience for a pickup, that still bugs me, too. After slipping in some small talk here and there, you can motion her over, away from the other people, to ask for her number.

(Of course, there's nothing emberrassing about asking for digits and getting shot down in front of people. It's just another mental block we have to get over.)
True, that's never going to happen. Women are chicken AND they have a cultural/biological excuse not to. I'm just a chicken :)

Good call on asking about the number policy, I like that a lot. Hopefully I'll work up some excuse to go back there some day when she's working.

You know, I think approaching a chick with an audience might be the holy grail of approaching, for me that's the hardest thing, wayyy harder than group approaches. I love groups; it's hard to isolate, but it's possible. Audience approaches, oh man it's uncomfortable to feel all those ears pricking up.

The goal is to be able to approach a girl in any situation, anytime, anywhere. Success feels so far, and yet it's only a choice away! One decision!
 

ElChoclo

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When you were washing the windows you should have said to her that your boss told you to get them so clean that they look invisible, then asked her to check if they were clean enough.

With the Art store girl you should have given her a thorough grilling about the quality of the goods you were buying. Then tell her you saw her dancing and you were worried about whether she had the necessary level of professionalism to deal with your sale. Go with the jokes if she makes them, come back with them.

Maybe the best solution to this problem is for you to imagine that your goal is only to amuse her and that you have no aim to go out with her. There is then no pressure, your objective is just to make her laugh. If I bet you $1,000 on a three foot put, you'd likely miss. But if you were just practising, you'd get it. Completely forget the original goal, make the new goal just to be an amusing guy.
 
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