Four dates later....

[Vulsion]

Long time lurker here, learned a good amount, finally achieving results, yet I'm regressing it seems. Been an AFC for the longest time before finally breaking the mold. Anyways, knew this chick on FB that my sisters knew. She was cute. One night when drinking with some buddies, we hit her up on FB chat. After that, she would hit me up every few days for chat before we exchanged numbers. I wasn't really interested considering she's a few states away and I wasn't really feeling it so I continued my normal life as she would hit me up. Treated her like nothing, said whatever I wanted, and would stop texting instantly whenever I didn't feel like it. Fast forward a year later, she got offended about something I said and was going to ignore me. I turned it aorund and said well when you're ready to stop give me a call. I didn't talk to her for about a month, yet she would continue to text me sometimed throughout those weeks. Eventually she posted a nice picture on insta where she looked amazing, so I hit her up. After that it's history. Eventually called her, we talked all the time, great chemistry, etc. Few months pass,
I eventually decide to go meet up with her for a date and see if it's worth making it work. The two dates we went on were fine, but she was extremely reserved and quiet. She's a shy person from what I've heard and hasn't had much experience in the dating department. I COULD be here first "real" anything, which is kind of terrifying. Anyways, I wasn't feeling it so I didn't go for the kiss and left it at that. After the date, continues to call me every day multiple times of day, always texting, etc. We mostly have sarcastic conversations so it's hard to ever tell when she's serious or not. She'd talk about what she wants in the future, the ring she wants, blah blah, etc etc. I normally would throw all this under the buss and come up with comeback. Still wasn't sure if I was feeling it so I decide to go see her again (had a free trip with a cheap rental so I thought why not). We hung out again and it was pretty much a repeat of the first two dates. Reserved and shy, I could not tell if she was miserable or having fun, extremely hard to read. I would joke and play with here, could barely get her to laugh. We had sat at the park and talked for bit, she sat in the corner of the bench holding her legs to her chest the entire time. I managed to hold her hand here and tough here somehow. next day we hung out all day, same thing all over again. Went to a sporting event, I couldn't tell if she was bored, depressed, or having fun. The drive home i decide maybe I'll just kiss her and go from there. Suddenly she talks about not feeling well and might throw up. Whatever, I bring her to car kiss her on the cheek and bid her farewell. As I walk to the hotel, she parks up front with her window down saying she didn't need to go home yet. I told her come inside we can relax for a bit, she's like no she's going to go home and sleep. I went to the car, put my head in her window, made a couple jokes about the car, looked her in the eyes, reached in for a kiss, and her head went back, so I looked at her and said get home safe I'll talk to you soon.

Texts me when she gets home she had fun and a good time. I acknowledge and go to sleep. Next day I fly out, get home, she calls me like nothing happened. Since then it's her calling me every day and testing and us talking. I got tired so I asked her nonchalantly where she saw this going and like like always she indecisive and doesn't know.

Some side notes. She never mentions attractions to other guys, has rarely mentioned guys she talked to in the past, when we're on the phone and I get a text she always asks who it is. When she has time, she always calls me.

I'm stuck at to what this is or where to even go. I like her and am attracted to her, but some things just aren't working for me when we are together yet I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to talk to her or be with her. Long distance is tough to do I've tried before, but am i doing this because of my old needy ways? I feel like I'm being addicted to the attention from a cute girl (6 or 7). This kind of scenario has happened to me before and last time I told her off. I don't plan on doing that this time, but just curious to see what you guys think. I may just be loving the idea of her versus her, yet the emotions say otherwise. All opinions welcome. Thanks!

 

[jurry]

Fvck that man 3 states away and doesnt even seem interested?? Why would you invest that kind of time and energy? Go meet some girls around you have a good time and bang their brains out. Let this chick figure out her own crap on her own time.

 

[El Payaso]

She's not interested.

 

[asa_don]

I managed to hold her hand here and tough here somehow. next day we hung out all day, same thing all over again. Went to a sporting event, I couldn't tell if she was bored, depressed, or having fun. The drive home i decide maybe I'll just kiss her and go from there. Suddenly she talks about not feeling well and might throw up. Whatever, I bring her to car kiss her on the cheek and bid her farewell. As I walk to the hotel, she parks up front with her window down saying she didn't need to go home yet. I told her come inside we can relax for a bit, she's like no she's going to go home and sleep. I went to the car, put my head in her window, made a couple jokes about the car, looked her in the eyes, reached in for a kiss, and her head went back, so I looked at her and said get home safe I'll talk to you soon.

this says all you need to know. if she is sitting there like a bump on a log she ain't into you. don't hang out with women all day, that is your problem, they will get bored of you. she initiated nothing sexual with you. you try to kiss her when she feels like she wants to puke? lol. you gave her the opening for sex, she backed off and made excuses. move on to another girl. next!

 

[Echoes]

Plenty of fish....this is a dead one.

As always, take whatever I say and what anyone else says here with a giant helping of salt.

I think the fact that she's contacting you is making you think she wants you, and now your ego is not wanting to take the loss. But she only wants your attention.

When I say ego I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean that you're putting much of your own self worth in her hands....and if the outcome doesn't include hooking up, you're viewing that as a rejection of your total self, and a breaking of the picture you have of yourself. It's a normal reaction but it needs to be beaten back with a giant stick.

I had a girl do this to me recently. Very attractive....hot I would say....and fun to be around. I actually like her as a person....she's pretty cool... but I don't contact her anymore. She still reaches out once in a while, but that has slowed down because I've stopped reciprocating. It wasn't going anywhere and I was starting to feel like the problem was me. And it was...to a degree. She wasn't as sexually attracted to me as she needed to be in order to sleep with me. We fooled around a number of times, but it never went all the way. She even said, "I don't think I can sleep with you".

It was at that moment when I said to myself, "What am I doing here?" and starting pursuing other, more interested girls.

Anyway....stop dealing with her and find some girls who actually want to fool around. They're way more fun.

 

[TARKUS]

Too bad you didn't ignore her before you wasted time on 4 dates. Being 3 states away it wouldn't work out anyway.

 

[Vulsion]

Thanks for the advice fellas and I appreciate it. I took it and here's the update.

I cracked a couple jokes with her and she throws the "we're not friends anymore" text at me out of the blue. Whether it was serious or not, this was the time. Tried calling her few hours after that to tell her, but no answer so I sent her a quick text stating not looking for a friendship and to hit me up when she wants to pick up where we left off. Left it at that. I get a phone call eventually and it's her asking what's up with that text. I told her I don't do friendships, so if that's what she wants us we cut this out. She kept saying the text was random, out of the blue, and lame. First time I've ever heard her in a serious scared tone. I told her she was hard to read and throwing to many mixed signals. Tells me she wouldn't be taking to me so much if she didn't want something. Then she got mad and had to go. Texted me shortly after saying she hated me right now. I joked around with her with some sarcastic jokes until she stopped responding really late in the night. Called me in the morning saying she still hated me and that text. Jokingly I said hey maybe I just wanted to make you my GF and asked her. She didn't answer and I was like oh too bad looks like you already are and she laughed. She said she would never let forget about that text for the rest of my life.

Now, I'm not sure what any of this means. Since then it has gone back to normal, but I still feel like there's a white elephant in the room and its giving me bad anxiety (family thing I've always had). I'm fumbling my responses and over-thinking **** to the max at home and at work. I shouldn't be like this. I don't know what to do. I feel like I did was right, but it just made it worse for me. I don't portray this anxiety to her whatsoever though and continue to let her initiate contact.

Maybe I'm just over-thinking this **** for no reason. I tend to read **** to the T. What's your take fellas? Be brutally honest.

 

[jurry]

Stand by my original comment. She likes you but sounds like she doesnt have much experience or know what shes doing.. And it also doesnt seem like youtwo have that much of a connection, and theres the distance issue. And now some girl 3 states away that you havent even kissed yet is occupying wayy too much of your thought and time. What is the point? Are you just desperate for the attention that she gives you? This is the kind of obsessive mentality that leads to a trainwreck. If you insist on continuing with this girl, at least make an effort to meet other girls as i really dont see why this is worth it.

 

[cordoncordon]

OP I feel as though when it comes to relationships you two both have the mental maturity of a 13 year old. You both act like little kids with no experience rather than grown adults.

Why are you playing these kinds of games with a woman who lives 3 states away? I know why. Because you have no other options hence your desperation. IF you were a guy with options near you, this girl would either be a simple annoyance here and there, or someone you ignore all together.

First, I don't sense a lot of chemistry between you both.
Two, you live really far away from each other.
Three, you are giving this woman way too much attention. Texting. Calls. Traveling to see her when she doesn't remotely act interested romantically when you are together in person. And then the one time you do start to man up and set some goals for what you want out of this...you cave in right away.

Here is my suggestion. Stop being in contact with this woman so much. A simple text here or there is fine. But not every day all the time. There simply is no reason for this considering the state of your 'relationship'. Not only will this allow you to stop fixating on her so much, but if, IF she has any romantic interest in you at all, this will spur her to act on it. In the meantime, start finding some other options NEAR you so that you are not so outcome dependent on this woman. Surely there are women in your area to date. Find some.


Good luck.

 

[Vulsion]

A final update and hopefully some new guidance on this since my last post. Since my last post I decided to end things. I told her it wasn't working out for me since I can't see you often and it's best we find people close to us. She had anxiety and we talked about it throughout the day during different phone calls and she wouldn't accept it. I let it be and was going to spin plates with less contact. Needless to say that didn't happen. Things went back to normal and she still calls me throughout the day. She tells me to get snapchat so I thought why not this could change it up a bit. It was cool at first then I noticed her top friend on there was another dude and my stomach sank. I calmed down and 2 days later I was on top albeit only a few hours and since then he's been on top. It bothers me even now even though she's mentioned once to me how he sends her snaps and that's her cousin is cousins with him. I didn't bring it up that was a month ago and her tone or voice matched up to whenever she tells me about nonsense with family and friends so I let it go. Eventually my AFC ways got the best of me and i was a mess sitting around all day waiting for her to contact me. I'd initiate contact maybe 5% of the time but like a little ***** I sat around miserable. So this past weekend I was within driving distance of her city due to taking my father to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins on a trip I planned long before I got this way with her. I tell her lets meet up and she obliged. We meet up and talk, eventually we end up on the bed so I'm thinking let's kick this up a notch. I pull her next to me and she puts her head on my chest while my hand is on her front side. I move my hand around but every time I go for a move she adjusts herself and fixes where I'm touching. Eventually we go out to eat, she starts feeling ill, so we come back to my room. She ends up in the covers practically knocking out. Eventually it's time to go so I walk to her car and we finally kiss a few times. She drives me to the front of the hotel and I'm about to leave when suddenly we get on the top of being exclusive somehow. She didn't want to answer and told me she preferred this no title and not make things complicated. It kind of confused me. I asked if she was scared and that even a no was fine and she told me it's because once she says yes she has to tell her parents and things would get even more serious that much quickly. Now some quick tidbits, we're both Muslim and come from the same nationality. There's not very much of us in the states and some of us are even related without even knowing. I did my research on that for us awhile back to make sure. Basically if a girls parents knew her daughter was dating they basically force engagement. Now I'm not ready for that, but I'm cool with the next step yet she isn't. Now this may very well be the reason she doesn't want to take the next step but I can't help but wonder if her interest is just low. I feel like I'm sitting in this grey area waiting for another plate to come through or her disappear when another dude comes in the picture (unless one is there). She's never lied to me and has never given me a reason not to trust her. My gut has been wrong on her so many times already and in the past with other girls as well so I try not to follow it anymore because I'm wired wrong due to years and years of my AFC ways. It's messed up plenty of possible friends with benefits, friends, and LTR. Anyways I let her go, kiss her goodbye, and go to my room to sleep. She texts me if I'm mad and I tell her nope is what it is and that she's horrible and would work on it. I go to sleep. Shortly after things go back to the way they were again. She still shows no compassion like I'm used to with girls maybe due to her inexperience in men. I was also her first kiss. So now I'm here on the toilet miserable again debating on ending this nonsense today once and for all or just going no contact. I have another plate that's been dying to hang out that lives close by and I know I can bang her out but I have no interest in doing so. I want this girl even though it's destroying who I am. That's it, that's my last post about this. Any fresh criticism or advice is appreciated. Thanks guys for the help.