Forgiveness

[origin138]

Forgiveness is for your benefit, not the benefit of the other person.

There is a fine line between forgiving and forgetting.

Forgiving is to better yourself by letting go of the anger associated with betrayal. Forgetting is letting the other person off the hook for their bad behavior.

To answer your question, the way I grant forgiveness is I try to remind myself that when I don't forgive, I'm giving betrayers more power over my life, and that can't happen.

 

[iqqi]

This is a timely topic for me. I usually never forgive or forget, I just move on, and live the good life. Becoming better and better, as much as I can.

I think my biggest inability to forgive is towards my friends. A parent, an ex, family... I have always forgiven but not forgotten. But a friend... oh no. I flip out. I'm not sure why this is. I think I have such a big built up ideal in my head about friendship and what it entails.

I've been recently, as in two days ago, been dealing with this big time. I mean, I went to bed mad, dreamed it never happened, woke up in the middle of the night and realized it did happen, and then couldn't go back to sleep. Just pissed all the way off. I've lost respect, trust, and admiration for the traitor. I was mostly deeply saddened that I'd have to severely limit a friendship I thought highly of. I was only able to feel peace when I thought of the (sad) reasons they may have done what it was they did and that it most likely had nothing to do with me personally.

So now I am mostly sad for the loss, but still super pissed if I let myself think about what happened.

:box:

I'm trying to find the lesson it it.

 

[betheman]

This is a timely topic for me. I usually never forgive or forget,...

youre female, it goes without saying

 

[SecondHalf]

How do you grant forgiveness to those who have misled, misguided and betrayed you? I feel like this is an important step for me. While I know we all have faults and limitations it is hard for me to forgive. I tend to carry grudges and I want to drop them.

I look to myself. I've been forgiven for some biggies in my past. Remembering this sometimes helps me nudge myself towards the path of forgiveness.
Fact is, throughout life, I've likely slighted someone in the same way as I'm holding them accountable now. Hmm, food for thought!

Also, forgiveness does not mean forgetting. You can forgive a thieving ... say brother for stealing your shiny new penny, but you don't leave shiny new pennies laying around anymore.

SH

 

[Alvafe]

something I normally carry grudges and don't forgive, but I also don't go out my way to hunt him and get revenge, but given time and opportunity with little effort I wouldn't let it slide, but pretty much if its something I can't stand, I just cut the person off my life, that person sure don't deserve my time or even my comments, given opportunity like I said I would get my little fun out of that person.

 

[Warrior74]

Some good food for thought in this thread. Thanks to everyone who responded. I notice that my grudges tend to come up when things are bad. It's not even forgiveness...it's blaming others for my ****ty situation. When in reality, 90% of it is on me. Then I realize that the only way it's going to get better is also on me. Thanks for the feedback guys.

 

[muscleman]

Some good food for thought in this thread. Thanks to everyone who responded. I notice that my grudges tend to come up when things are bad. It's not even forgiveness...it's blaming others for my ****ty situation. When in reality, 90% of it is on me. Then I realize that the only way it's going to get better is also on me. Thanks for the feedback guys.

I'm glad you realize this. Most of what happens to us is because of our doing. You are where you are because of you. That said, what do you mean by forgiveness? Moving on? Accepting an apology? Pretending that something never happened?

The entire concept of forgiveness is fluid. There are plenty of ex's who did some mean sh!t to me which I will never forget. If I see them, I don't hold a grudge. We're cordial. I've even had some fun with a few. But I will never go back there as a result.

So ... what do you hope to accomplish?

 

[scrouds]

youre female, it goes without saying

Men have friends, women have frienemies. The fact that iqqi can't forgive her friends is because if you forgive, you lose power.

 

[Boilermaker]

The fact that iqqi can't forgive her friends points out to a deep hole in her confidence. It's a strong trait of narcissistic personality disorder ("all women are narcissists?") that rears its ugly head when you scratch their ego's:

How could she do this to me?

This triggers a big reaction causing her to drop them like hot potatoes. Because the other option is too painful (I am a worthless piece of sh!t.) At least she's aware of the fact that it tells more about her, than random people crossing Iqqi's path. What makes friends special anyway? They all come arbitrarily.

What a professional diagnosis. I must join the board's resident pysch team with all this knowledge :crackup:

 

[Warrior74]

I'm glad you realize this. Most of what happens to us is because of our doing. You are where you are because of you. That said, what do you mean by forgiveness? Moving on? Accepting an apology? Pretending that something never happened?

The entire concept of forgiveness is fluid. There are plenty of ex's who did some mean sh!t to me which I will never forget. If I see them, I don't hold a grudge. We're cordial. I've even had some fun with a few. But I will never go back there as a result.

So ... what do you hope to accomplish?

I've been trying to figure out how to have a civil relationship with my ex for the sake of my daughter. I've been avoiding talking to her since she moved back in town. I was afraid I would lash out in anger and I thought forgiving her in some way would prevent that. It won't. It's not necessary.

I talked to her tonight on the phone for the first time in 5 years. I was calm and cordial. I realized that she doesn't have any power over me. And the last 5 years are in the past. It's not a matter of forgiving what 'she did to me". It's a matter of learning from my mistakes and moving on. My mistake was not putting me first and falling for the ole, "but think of the chillldreeeen" line. And then being surprised when she backstabbed me. What's good for me is good for my daughter, not the other way around (that being what's good for my ex is good for my daughter) because she lacks the judgement to know what's good for her as she's well proven in the last 5 years.

Ultimately, I left the conversation feeling nothing, which was good. I feel like we can have a civil coexistence as long as I draw the line where it needs to be drawn.

Of course I know her. And I know she's making nice because she's in a tight $pot and it's advantageous for her to do so. And as soon as it's not, she won't be as nice as she is now. As Lord Baelish said in The Game of Thrones, we only makes peace with our enemies, that's why it's called making peace.

 

[Boilermaker]

!

Very good post, and so good to hear you're doing well.
What's good for you is also good for me (and the rest of us I am sure) because the brotherhood here gives me hope in whatever hardship I find myself in.

Good job!

 

[muscleman]

I've been trying to figure out how to have a civil relationship with my ex for the sake of my daughter. I've been avoiding talking to her since she moved back in town. I was afraid I would lash out in anger and I thought forgiving her in some way would prevent that. It won't. It's not necessary.

I talked to her tonight on the phone for the first time in 5 years. I was calm and cordial. I realized that she doesn't have any power over me. And the last 5 years are in the past. It's not a matter of forgiving what 'she did to me". It's a matter of learning from my mistakes and moving on. My mistake was not putting me first and falling for the ole, "but think of the chillldreeeen" line. And then being surprised when she backstabbed me. What's good for me is good for my daughter, not the other way around (that being what's good for my ex is good for my daughter) because she lacks the judgement to know what's good for her as she's well proven in the last 5 years.

Ultimately, I left the conversation feeling nothing, which was good. I feel like we can have a civil coexistence as long as I draw the line where it needs to be drawn.

Of course I know her. And I know she's making nice because she's in a tight $pot and it's advantageous for her to do so. And as soon as it's not, she won't be as nice as she is now. As Lord Baelish said in The Game of Thrones, we only makes peace with our enemies, that's why it's called making peace.

This makes sense now, and you did the right thing. You made a mistake, learned from it, and moved on. All you can do is live in the present - for yourself and for your daughter. You're right she has no power over you, and those who have no power can't arouse you to anger.

 

[backbreaker]

The way I see it at the end of the day, if you believe in god, and I do.. to say that you are unwilling to forgive someone is tantamount to saying you don't trust god and whatever the plan he has for you.

I'm not saying that, you should just be all peaches and cream with people who do bad hurtful things to you, but at the same time, all the things that happen in your life, even the bad, they had to happen for you to get where you are today.

God, at least my version of god, has to push buttons at times, that I don't like pushed to get me to do things that otherwise I might not do that he wants me to do. It's not always pretty and it's not always what I want, but just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's not my god's plan if that makes any sense.

AT the end of the day that's how I see the issue. Doesn't mean I have to like the person but I don't have a problem forgiving people. At least today.

I don't consider myself to be a Christan, but I am very familar wtih the bible. To use an example, the story of Joseph and him being the favorite son, and god loved him so much that he let his brothers sell him into slavery to the Egyptians. That sounds like a screwed up way to show your love but God had a plan with him and he put him where he had to be put to get where god wanted him, which was to be the Pharaoh's right hand man.. and the man that would help the Israelites get through the drout when his father came to the Pharoh hat in hand. It would be silly for Joseph to not forgive his brothers; it had to be done. Some **** that happens, even if you don't like it, it had to be done. That's the way I see it.

 

[Warrior74]

Backbreaker, you know I'm an agnostic atheist and slightly anti-theist. I don't believe in any gods and think religion is a great tool of control (if I ever grow greedy and cynical, I'm going to become a televangelist), but ultimately unnecessary for human progress. But I get what you're saying.

...all the things that happen in your life, even the bad, they had to happen for you to get where you are today.

THIS.

When people ask me what would I change about the past, I can only respond with nothing. Because any changes would negate my daughters existence. She's worth it. I'd rather make changes for my future than make changes to my past.

 

[Warrior74]

Backbreaker, you know I'm an agnostic atheist and slightly anti-theist. I don't believe in any gods and think religion is a great tool of control (if I ever grow greedy and cynical, I'm going to become a televangelist), but ultimately unnecessary for human progress. But I get what you're saying.

...all the things that happen in your life, even the bad, they had to happen for you to get where you are today.

THIS.

When people ask me what would I change about the past, I can only respond with nothing. Because any changes would negate my daughters existence. She's worth it. I'd rather make changes for my future than make changes to my past.