Fixing Oneitis & Logistics Problem (31 y/o Getting Divorced, Back at Mother's House)

[Nu Vision]

I'll try to make this short. I'm 31 years old currently separated and getting divorced. My soon to be ex-wife was the love of my life. We married very young at 22. I was a virgin. She was not. She had been in multiple sexual relationships prior to meeting me. She has what I believe to be BPD. Years ago we separated because things were really not working out and she wanted space. I found out she got involved with a relative of a friend of hers. From there on things went from bad to worse. We got back together and separated a couple of times after that. Went to counseling. Nothing worked. Her BPD tendencies made it almost impossible for us to be happy together. I was very co-dependent and a doormat. Have gone to counseling and read a ton of books to fix that problem.

So here I am now ... needing to move on, splitting time with my kid and in bad financial shape because of credit card debt and having to pay child support for my child. That's my responsibility and I have no problem with that but it has put my financial life in a little bit of a mess. I'm looking for a better paying job.

After the last separation, I met someone and we had sex. So I've been with only 2 women in my life. The sex wasn't good. She was inexperienced or not really into it. Almost felt like she was emotionless like a robot. That bad experience seemed to reinforced and bring back my oneitis with the ex. Our sex life as incredible.

I've been reading up here and other blogs and books to learn how to pick up women and be good with them. I was at a club last night with some friends. There were a ton of hot women there and there I was thinking about my ex. I suppose the easy fix would be for me to go out, meet and sleep with as many women as I can to forget her. It has really messed me up that whenever I think of having sex with someone she is the only one I can think of because aside from the other girl I slept with she has been the only one. My mental references when it comes to this are limited to HER.

I started dancing with a girl last night at the club and things were going well but then I found myself thinking about the end zone ... if I was to get really lucky with this girl and she wanted to have sex that night ... where would I take her. Because of financial reasons, I'm back at my mother's. I rent the upstairs apartment. She has a 2 family house but still feels weird to take a girl to my mother's house. I'm 31 and feel embarassed about this. This is one of the hardest thing about getting divorced. After having a family, a house and things in order now things are out of sync. I suppose the ideal thing would be for me to go to the girl's apartment or house but what if her logistics are bad also like if she lives with her parents still. Take her to a motel? I think many women find it degrading. Take her to a hotel?

Hoping to hear from some of you who have dealt with similar problems or anybody's opinion really. Any advice is appreciated guys.

Thanks,

 

[captain55]

tell the chick that your visiting your parents from out of state for the holidays. Problem solved

 

[Nu Vision]

tell the chick that your visiting your parents from out of state for the holidays. Problem solved

This would work for a ONS. I don't like the idea of lying to get a girl to have sex with me but if she's the type to come home with me after having just met me then who cares. We both win and end the evening with a bang.

Long term though I need to figure out the quickest way to move out and be on my own. It would make it easier to bring girls home and no man my age should live under same room as mom unless in extraordinary circumstances.

 

[captain55]

This would work for a ONS. I don't like the idea of lying to get a girl to have sex with me but if she's the type to come home with me after having just met me then who cares. We both win and end the evening with a bang.

Long term though I need to figure out the quickest way to move out and be on my own. It would make it easier to bring girls home and no man my age should live under same room as mom unless in extraordinary circumstances.

My advice would be to NOT move out on your own and to live/mooch off your parents as long as possible. No amount of ***** is worth not spending time with your family and the amount of money your going to save not paying rent.

 

[expos]

Some advice:

1. Oneitis is bad and very real. Because she possibly was BPD, you went through some really heavy trauma bonding. I urge you to look it up - it's almost like Stockholm Syndrome. I will tell you that the Oneitis will be hard to shake because of your child and your exes connection to that child. Oneitis, in your circumstance, can be cured by getting with a woman hotter than your ex who provides you with better sex.

2. I think you SHOULD move out of your parent's place. Where does your child currently sleep? What is your custody situation? I think the goal here is to make the make the best possible home for your child and worry about his upbringing instead of trying to nail some chick at the club.

3. Once you focus on your living situation, your job, your kid, and not your ***** ex-wife, then you allow yourself to have a quality woman walk into your life. I'm not going to call you desperate, but I think about all the desperate moves I made in my life and how poor the outcome was because I forced things. At 31, you still have a lot of time to lock down a great future for yourself. I found an amazing woman at age 34 and a year prior to that I felt pretty hopeless about it. Then, she came along.

Write back when you get the chance.

 

[Nu Vision]

My advice would be to NOT move out on your own and to live/mooch off your parents as long as possible. No amount of ***** is worth not spending time with your family and the amount of money your going to save not paying rent.

I pay rent. Just not as much as I'd be paying if I had my own place. The major motivating factor wouldn't be easier logistics as far as closing goes and taking girls back home (although admittedly it is a factor) BUT the positive effect I think bring on my own and having my own place/space/cave would have on my confidence moving forward.

 

[Nu Vision]

Some advice:

1. Oneitis is bad and very real. Because she possibly was BPD, you went through some really heavy trauma bonding. I urge you to look it up - it's almost like Stockholm Syndrome. I will tell you that the Oneitis will be hard to shake because of your child and your exes connection to that child. Oneitis, in your circumstance, can be cured by getting with a woman hotter than your ex who provides you with better sex.

2. I think you SHOULD move out of your parent's place. Where does your child currently sleep? What is your custody situation? I think the goal here is to make the make the best possible home for your child and worry about his upbringing instead of trying to nail some chick at the club.

3. Once you focus on your living situation, your job, your kid, and not your ***** ex-wife, then you allow yourself to have a quality woman walk into your life. I'm not going to call you desperate, but I think about all the desperate moves I made in my life and how poor the outcome was because I forced things. At 31, you still have a lot of time to lock down a great future for yourself. I found an amazing woman at age 34 and a year prior to that I felt pretty hopeless about it. Then, she came along.

Write back when you get the chance.

I think you have hit the nail on the head.

You are right. Her BPD traits coupled with my Nice Guy persona ****ed me up royally and made the oneitis even worse.

I think you are also right in saying that finding a more attractive and better in bed woman would really help. The girl I was with after I separated from my ex is actually more beautiful (nicer face) than the ex. But the ex has a much better body. The sex with this new girl was bad and it made matters worse. At the moment it made me think I can't find anyone better. I know this is BS and nice guy stupidity. There are tons of women better than my ex. I just gotta get busy and a life that will attract the kind of woman I want.

Most important thing for me is my son's wellbeing. He is with me half the time. He's 7 years old. When with me he sleeps in my room.

Thanks for posting about your story and finding someone at 34. Not going to lie at times I feel hopeless.

In my situation I think I would be a fool if I was to get on a serious relationship with the next girl I find. I gotta be with many different women before committing to one which is my ultimate goal -- to find a good woman with morals that loves me for who I am and raise a family with her. But before I think I have to do what I should have done in my 20s before getting married and be with many women so I can choose the right one.