First Post - I'm a Mess.

[I'm in the Mood]

I know this is a long post, but I have a lot of questions, and need a lot of answers.

I'm 16 years old, and a sophomore in high school. There are just so many things wrong with me, and I have to live with them every day in and out of school.

I actually tried to improve myself using this site, but I actually failed and am further back from where I started... The fact is, right now, I don't even talk to girls anymore. I have a strong feeling that I'm boring when I talk and have trouble thinking of things to say and actually saying things. In fact, I barely even talk at all anymore, even when I'm with friends.

I can barely get my work done in school,
I have trouble understanding everything especially things social-related,
I am always feeling tired,
I don't take care of myself and maintain a good appearance and hygene,
I'm way too quiet and literally can't speak very loud,
I keep to myself constantly,
I barely have any friends and don't try to make friends with the few people who actually talk to me,
I sound incredibly stupid when I talk because what I say usually comes out too polite or so obscure that other people don't understand me,
and most importantly I have lost all hope with girls at school because I stare at them.

This is so horribly stupid to do, but it's become like a habit such as the rest of my problems. It's sort of the feeling like you're admiring a painting in a museum, but the painting actually isn't open to the public and you're not supposed to be there. This is such a bad thing because I'm pretty sure the girls know I stare at them and they probably talk about it. It's addictive though, I don't know if I'll be able to change enough to be able to stop it.

I have no confidence in ever being able to improve beacuse I don't know personally what I exactly need to do. Of the little that I've read, I can't relate the bible to myself in any way and I can't imagine myself being able to have a gf like some of the girls I admire.

There is so much that I'm realizing just now that I have to work on, and I don't know where to start or how do accomplish anything.

I do however know what I want.

I want to be a very social person and not need to be by myself and in my own world or whatever.
I want to develop a huge amount of interests and be able to talk about an unimaginable amount of things.
I want to work on my speech and sound more like a normal person.
I want to actually be able to understand things and people and feelings.
I want to improve my health, body and mind.
I want to improve my inner spirit and confidence.
I want to be able to get any girl whether in, or especially out of my league.

Most importantly, I want to be respected. And this can only be achieved from morals that I build for myself. But still, I want to be respected by as many people as possible, and put myself high into the social hierarchy.

These are just dreams and wishes though. I have to face reality and deal with what is happening to me NOW. I'll admit, I need major help and I am below AFC. This whole post is full of frustration, and I don't want to possess that feeling for much longer.

Please reply, no matter what you have to say.
It's been too long, I need to get started on this right now.

 

[HandyAndy]

I can barely get my work done in school
Why is this? Are you just lazy or do you not understand the stuff? I bombed chemistry and geometry in the first 6 weeks.
I have trouble understanding everything especially things social-related
Examples?
I am always feeling tired
Start exercising, lifting weights and cardio, how much sleep are you getting? You probably need more.
I don't take care of myself and maintain a good appearance and hygene
Is it your sense of style? Go to a store and try sh1t on, get out of your comfort zone, shower everyday and night, brush your teeth, wash your pits, sack, feet, and ass. Wear deodorant, wash your hair daily, wear cologne.
I'm way too quiet and literally can't speak very loud
You are probably insecure and unconfident? take baby steps, for example reading the DJ bible located at the bottom of the page.
I keep to myself constantly
You are shy, once again you need to get out of your comfort zone and start talking to people
I barely have any friends and don't try to make friends with the few people who actually talk to me
Why?
I sound incredibly stupid when I talk because what I say usually comes out too polite or so obscure that other people don't understand me
and most importantly I have lost all hope with girls at school because I stare at them.

I think you need to work on your personal issues before you start to work on getting girls.

Were the same age, I can help you out, the best I can if you need me to

 

[BChris]

Welcome!

Well theres a chance that a lot of people here are in the same situation. Guess what me too!!!

Something I learned when I graduated from high school was that I was been LAZY in social situations I mean how do you expect to get a girlfriend doing nothing about it.

You gotta make things possible by yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you. Ok youre still in high school so dont worry about stupid things just have fun with the people you already know no matter if its playing videogames or whatever.

**I want to be a very social person and not need to be by myself and in my own world or whatever.*** Do you really want to do this? I know why youre having this problem. Its because you have completely forgot how to have fun with other people.


I dont reccomend reading Sosuave to much because its all about girls and you dont want to improve yourself just to get a girl you want to do it because you want to be a better person. Instead I reccomed readin http:www.stevepavlina.com Personal Development for Smart People. Theres a lot of good post in the archives I started with this one: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/05/overcoming-fear-of-public-speaking/

Anyway a lot of youre problems are related to having experience so dont worry youll get better with the time!

Try to make 30 day trials and see what happens.
I was walking every morning in february for 30 consecutives days i didnt like at the beggining but then i started to feel good about myself and know I walk every weekend.

Good Luck! (Sorry about my english, not my first Language)

 

[Rhoto]

I can barely get my work done in school

Why? Busy? ADD? Dyslexic? Do your school work, its an investment in your money making potential.

I have trouble understanding everything especially things social-related

Social interaction can be confusing, but its a learning experience. When in groups of people I'm not familiar with, I usually stay a bit quiet and read the other members then go from there.

I am always feeling tired

This can be a sign of depression, laziness, being a pot head or not being

active enough.

I don't take care of myself and maintain a good appearance and hygene

Why? No really, you have to choose not to do these kinds of things, and some how justify it. Whats your reasoning?

I'm way too quiet and literally can't speak very loud

People who are loud our covering up the fact they don't have an extensive vocabulary, and lack a real personality. No one likes the "loud" one.

I keep to myself constantly

Sounds like you force yourself too. Don't be afraid.

I barely have any friends and don't try to make friends with the few people who actually talk to me,

Why not man? Friends are the best part of life, make some before you really regret it more than you already seem to.

I have no confidence in ever being able to improve beacuse I don't know personally what I exactly need to do. Of the little that I've read, I can't relate the bible to myself in any way and I can't imagine myself being able to have a gf like some of the girls I admire.

There is so much that I'm realizing just now that I have to work on, and I don't know where to start or how do accomplish anything.

I do however know what I want.

I want to be a very social person and not need to be by myself and in my own world or whatever.
I want to develop a huge amount of interests and be able to talk about an unimaginable amount of things.
I want to work on my speech and sound more like a normal person.
I want to actually be able to understand things and people and feelings.
I want to improve my health, body and mind.
I want to improve my inner spirit and confidence.
I want to be able to get any girl whether in, or especially out of my league.

These are just dreams and wishes though. I have to face reality and deal with what is happening to me NOW. I'll admit, I need major help and I am below AFC. This whole post is full of frustration, and I don't want to possess that feeling for much longer.

Please reply, no matter what you have to say.
It's been too long, I need to get started on this right now.

At least you have an idea of what you want. First thing I can recommend, start lifting some weights and/or enroll in a martial art. These are 100% garunteed confidence boosters.

Also, list what you DO like about yourself and why anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. No really, take a piece of paper out and start writing.

High School can be brutal man, but no one will remember in 4 years what happened, so don't get too caught up on impressing people, or being accepted/popular, its not worth it. Focus on making yourself happy.

I'm curious -

Most importantly, I want to be respected. And this can only be achieved from morals that I build for myself. But still, I want to be respected by as many people as possible, and put myself high into the social hierarchy.

I find this statement frustrating. You're looking for external people to make you feel respected and happy. What do your 16 year old morals have to do with it? At 16 there are a handful of ethical issues that arise, most serious being sex, most common being drinking/smoking. Participation should not have a bearing on respect. This is NOT the proper way to build respect. To have respect, one must have self-respect first, and not take any one's ****. The social hierarchy is meaningless and will be gone in less than 3 years, so instead, become friendly with as many beautiful and intelligent people you can. In fact, make it your purpose for the remainder of the year.


Begin with this: Be extra friendly to the people who sit immediately around you in your classes. Nothing fancy or fake, just an honest smile and some genuine interest. And regardless of how they react, (unless something really rude, in which case move on, they're not worth in), keep this up for a couple of weeks. See what happens.

 

[Quiksilver]

Simple advice that I followed and had success with:

1. Hit the gym(build some muscle), eat good food, and take care of your health.

2. Put yourself in uncomfortable social situations.

I fixed my speaking problem with a sound recorder, and determination.

I cleaned up my wardrobe and made sure I was dressed well.

I wrote down everything I had to do in the morning to feel good(brush teeth, shower, deodorant, face wash, take a crap, do some form of exercise). I hung up a chart in my bathroom and ticked off each time I did everything I had to do, until it was habit.

I became good in social situations by putting myself into them, not just sitting there like a wallflower though, I had a motive each time I went out. I remember one time I went out, I just focused on how I moved, walked, sat, behaved, etc. Body language. Another time I just focused on my voice when I spoke, really thinking about it.

I used to be a bit chubby. I went to the gym 3 days a week, and went for a 3 mile run 5 days a week for over six months, till I had a six pack and girls sneaking up behind me to grab my ass.

After a couple months I really started feeling good about myself, and simply being around other people and enjoying the moment was NOT a chore anymore. I was confident. And I made sure to build off that, I kept going out and practicing different things.

--

What do you do with an engine that isn't working properly?

You break it down into simple components, and then rebuild it how it should be.

Do the same to yourself. Sit down in front of a computer and decide exactly what you want to work on, and plan a path to get there.

Here's my thread on how I started to change my life.

And here's a continuation to it.

 

[Cry For Love]

You have done quite a bit already, you have aknowledged to yourself what your problems are, and what your goals are. And know that if you keep working towards them, not letting failure (and failure will strike you on your path) discourage you, you will get there. As long as you have the urge to get better, nothing can stop you. And im not giving some comforting speech, it really is so, the only borders are in your head. But they are strong and demolishing them will take consistent repeated efforts.

 

[Yookiwooki]

This is so horribly stupid to do, but it's become like a habit such as the rest of my problems. It's sort of the feeling like you're admiring a painting in a museum, but the painting actually isn't open to the public and you're not supposed to be there. This is such a bad thing because I'm pretty sure the girls know I stare at them and they probably talk about it. It's addictive though, I don't know if I'll be able to change enough to be able to stop it

If a girl catches you staring at her, all you have to do is smile and get eye contact with her. In my opinion, its much worse to just look away and pretend you weren't staring. If you maintain eye contact and smile confidently, the worst case scenario is that it will be awkward. But its already awkward anyways, so you have nothing to lose.

 

[PhatE1vis]

IMITM - many of the symptoms you describe in your third paragraph - fatigue, inability to concentrate, feeling isolated, loss of interest in personal hygene - are classic signs of clinical depression. It's highly treatable.

Have you ever seen a doctor about it? They may be able to help. Do some research on Google and if you think you have a problem, talk to your parents, a family member, or a teacher.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

Okay so there are so many things I need to work on, but Idk what to start with... I have a really hard time planning stuff, and I need to take baby steps because trying too hard will probably result in me getting stressed out and giving up.

Last time I tried to improve myself, I became very lazy and stopped making progress, and over time my improvements went away. I need to be able to maintain this progress and keep getting better. I don't want to go lazy again.

The thing is with girls, you actually gain confidence much faster and better. It's really exciting when you actually get a girl's interest, especially if it's uncommon for you. Even if it's just meeting a new girl and hanging out with her, becoming friends. I want to incorporate being friendly or even sexual with girls to help my confidence. Problem is, I'm too scared and nervous to even begin to do this.

I've pretty much given up at this point because I've made myself a reputation for being the shy, quiet, lazy, dumb kid.

The only actual progress I've made is intellectual and typing online... I'm mostly about the facts, but I can't recognize what goes on socially and emotionally.

For example, guys are mean to girls a lot, and even though a girl might get mad and even hate the guy for awhile, sometimes she'll end up liking him the next day... It's confusing and I can't actually recognize when or how this happens.

Girls are the least of my problems though... I need a plan to make myself better, and I can only make an outline. I'd like advice though on how to complete every goal.

I also want advice from lots of people, because different things work for different people, and I want to be able to try everything to find whats right for me.

-Appearence and everyday hygene, becoming very healthy and fit.
-Being able to focus in school and gain knowledge and understanding.
-Learn how to talk better (louder, clearer, more comfortably.)
-Increase my vocabulary and interests and do a huge amount of things especially with other people that don't involve being isolated or gaming online.
-Stop being lazy/shy and grow some fvcking balls and develop some confidence.
-Develop social relationships and learn about body language and non verbal/verbal communication. Also make a lot of friends and talk to everybody.

-Become a better person with a good reputation and respect.

I know this is a lot to be working on, but through this site and talking to people I hope I can eventually come to an understanding with everybody on what I should do to actually be somebody instead of nobody.

Thank you for your replies.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

IMITM - many of the symptoms you describe in your third paragraph - fatigue, inability to concentrate, feeling isolated, loss of interest in personal hygene - are classic signs of clinical depression. It's highly treatable.

Have you ever seen a doctor about it? They may be able to help. Do some research on Google and if you think you have a problem, talk to your parents, a family member, or a teacher.

I've considered this, but depression goes on and off for me. I'm basically in a state of not caring about anything right now.
If you walk past me and shout my name or if you walk past me and punch me I won't react at all. It's very wierd and Idk why I'm like that, but I've sort of lost the ability to feel and shy away from things, I usually feel good though, but it's like a false good-ness.

 

[jon3947]

You said earlier that you wonder why girls like guys who are mean to guys
seriously that is the heart of the dj bible, girls dont like afcs and guys who dont talk they like the alpha males who will give them a little drama

 

[leftForDeadPhoenix]

It sounds to me that you need to stop giving a damn about what people think about you. Really, people are either not as critical about you as you think they are or they are critical with you, because they are insecure, so you shouldn't give a damn about them. They are pieces of shyt, they are nothing. Walk over them emotionally, because they are nothing to you. Only talk to people who are positive with you and treat you like you should be treated.

You need to constantly remind yourself that you are worthy. Tell yourself this all the time, because you really are. You have much value as a man that you have to actualize. You need to stop being afraid of what people think of you and just talk to as many people as you can. Watch and learn from people who are good socializers, but in the mean time you need to and be social as you can. Don't give a damn what people are thinking, just come out with what is on your mind. Live your dreams and express your feelings and never apologize for what you are and what you feel. If you feel it, it is you. Own your emotions and change what YOU AND YOU ALONE know what you should change.

Don't be afraid of "mistakes." Mistakes may not be mistakes, but some may be.
Either way, your goal should be to not intentionally make mistakes, but when, not if, you make mistakes you learn from them and you become more experienced and battled-hardened, so to speak, from them. Never stop growing.

Be sure to grow passions in your life. Live healthy and get strong, don't do drugs, don't go along with people just because they are 'cool.' You are the shyt more than anyone else. Make yourself good at school, no matter what it takes. Learn how to read and understand what you are learning. Ask questions in class and don't give a damn what anyone thinks, including your teachers, though your teachers will probably like your curiosity. Pay attention to what is being said and learn, but don't give a damn if you "fall short." Keep pushing forward. You are greatness. Tell yourself this until you realize it, because it's absolute truth. You must become great, because that is what you are capable of as a man.

 

[leftForDeadPhoenix]

If a girl catches you staring at her, all you have to do is smile and get eye contact with her. In my opinion, its much worse to just look away and pretend you weren't staring. If you maintain eye contact and smile confidently, the worst case scenario is that it will be awkward. But its already awkward anyways, so you have nothing to lose.

I agree. Look her in the eyes and don't look away. You will be surprised.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

Ok im gonna do this. I'll start some new threads and take my goals one at a time. Thanks for helping... I hope I can actually do something this time though.

 

[Swerve]

Good luck with it man, I'm 17 and I'll help you in any way I can, just remember that there is always someone worse off than you, and that if you think you are at as low as it can be, the only way to go is up.

 

[canadianmetalhead]

you already know your problems. you already know where you want to be. What do you want us to tell you? you have your directions all mapped out, you just have to begin. get to work, start showering, pursue your interests, and do whatever else it is that you want.

 

[Armored]

I hope I can actually do something this time though.

Don't hope, do.

 

[DismantleRepair]

It's good to see someone here who knows they want to change for the better.

Welcome to your turning point. Stay on the path.

 

[SkyTouch]

I can actually recognize myself a few years ago in a lot of your post. When I was 16-17 I wasn't really social, my grades sucked and girls were pretty much non existent. But I just told myself to pull together and things are going pretty good now. First I started building up my social circle. That was pretty easy, just talk to people, do stuff and it'll come natural. Then I fixed my looks up pretty good, started buying lots of new clothes and shoes (now I'm actually a real sneaker freak ) And then the last thing; girls. First thing you need to do is make them a natural part of your social circle. Try to make it part of your everyday life to talk and hang out with girls. It will make communicating with the girls you really want to get a lot easier.

Then recently I heard of mystery method and started reading up on that, and I got really hooked on it. I have read tons of books and watched all videos I could get my hands on. I find the psychological aspect of it real interesting and it helps me a lot when going out. Just reading the material gives you a lot of confidence, and then going out seeing that it really works does wonders.

I'm still not quite where I want to be, but I'm getting there. I really feel like things are falling into place. It has taken a long time, but I were to ever do it again it would be a lot easier. Just the fact that you are here getting advice shows that you have come a long way already. And if you really go for it you should be able to get your life back on track in no time

*Edit, when it comes to your looks, start reading up on fashion and try to find a look that really works for you. I really like the streetwear look and it just feels natural for me. Make sure you feel comfortable in what you wear, because people will notice it if you feel misplaced in your clothes. Changing your style might be hard, but be sure to wear it with confidence and you should be fine. I got a lot of comments when I changed my look, and they were not all positive, some of my friends didnt like my new look, but I just kept on it and now they are all cool with it. Some have actually even followed after my style (check out http://hypebeast.com/ if you wanna read up on streetwear fashion)

 

[I'm in the Mood]

Thanks everyone.. I think I could be able to change, but it's gonna take a huge amount of effort, because I've already tried once and failed.

Any ideas on what I should work on first?

I have a huge amount of jumbled up ideas and I can't organize it into an improvement plan. That is what I really need help on, to get started.

...I was playing ultimate frisbee today, I'm on my school's team. I'm one of the oldest kids on my team, and I'm probably the worst player. I can't get myself to actually play better. I only TRY to play better, but SLIP AWAY.

I want my improvement to be full of SUCCESS, NOT trying.