First calls and first dates.. What do you talk about?

[StrayCat]

I am sure I am doing something wrong, so I wanted to see what the forum says on things to talk about on a first and first dates.

 

[Billtx49]

It’s about getting to know each other… be centered on that. Current events, politics, the weather, and other distractive topics are a no go…

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Focus basically 100% on her. Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People". People love talking about themselves, and don't talk about yourself at all. Only talk about yourself if she asks and even then, keep it short and don't give too many details. Women want a man who is a mystery and who they have to take time to pry open and discover. Don't just play 20 questions though. When you ask her a question, really dig deep on it.

"So what is the best vacation you ever took?"
"Alaska"
"Oh wow, I've never been - tell me all about it!!" (with excitement and genuine interest in hearing)
(Now she starts telling you all about it. Look captivated and interested. Be in the moment. Don't think about what she'd look like naked or what you're going to say next. Really listen and be present)
"Oh cool - you saw the wales on a boat tour. Are they really as big as they look on TV?" etc etc.
I find it really helps if you can go a bit deeper and get to the emotional level. Ask them how they FEEL about something, or how an experience made them feel. Ask them what they are most passionate about in life and then ask followup questions about why - and what kind of "feeling" they get from it. You might then relate to them about how YOU feel about something - either something similar to them, or something else that gives you a similar feeling to what they described. For example, if she volunteers with sick kids and it makes her feel love, you might talk about how you feel love when you volunteer at an animal shelter etc. But be honest and don't make things up.

Playfully tease her several times if you can. Like, pick on her, playfully. For example, today I was talking to a girl and she was writing something with pen and paper while I was on a laptop. I looked at her with a questioning eye and a smirk and said, "Wow, do people still actually write with pen and paper?!" She talked about how it was "meditative" and said some other new-agey stuff so I said, "Let me guess, you spend a lot of time practicing yoga don't you?" with a smile. Just playful fun teasing stuff - nothing mean spirited. Another example: She tells you she has three cats. You say, "Three cats? Oh Jessica, I don't think this is going to work!" but you say it with a smile. Don't go overboard with this. A few teases during the date should be fine. Teasing is not a "neg" and is not meant to knock her down a notch, it's meant to convey that you are confident and not an ass-kisser that is only going to say the most flattering things possible to her. You do take a bit of a risk when teasing her and that alone conveys that you aren't an overly interested needy chump like 95% of the guys who talk to her. But from a risk standpoint, the risk is low because unless you are super awkward with how you tease and you actually say something mean, then she should laugh at what you say and if she doesn't, it's a red flag and you should move on immediately.

Lean back in your chair. Take up too much space. Be relaxed. Act like they are trying to impress you, not the other way around.

I'd avoid talk about exes entirely, but if she brings it up, you might ask a few questions to try to get some intel about what caused the breakup, who did the dumping, and what the reasons were so that you can factor this into your decisions. But exes are usually a negative topic, and you want to keep the conversation focused on positive, fun, exciting, pleasurable things. What's your favorite vacation? What was the best party you ever went to? What's your favorite album or movie? Tell me about your best friend and all about why they are your best friend. Ask if they have pets and if so, ask about them - people love their pets and love to talk about them (especially those crazy cat ladies). All fun stuff that is going to make her associate her funnest, happiest memories with you.

 

[StrayCat]

Yep, already ahead of you on the Carnegie book. I've been listening to it all week and have been using it's tips about focusing on the person you are talking to and making what they want (to talk about themselves and what's in it for them) to be my focus. The call went well, and I cut it off after 20 minutes or so. I said I had to clean up for dinner. I suggested we should go out for drinks, and asked when she was available to meet. She agreed, but said her schedule is a bit hectic. How soon did you want to meet she asked? I cannot do this weekend as I am with my niece and nephew, but I can do Friday. I took up the offer for Friday and we're good. The convo was basically about her, which is fine, she did ask back on several, what about you, and I gave brief answers.

The only reason why I ask about questions to ask, is the last one I was "seeing" was very tight lipped. I asked questions, she give little responses, so nothing really to build up on. This one, gave some good detailed answers, so I just dove deeper and then switched questions while laughing and showing a good time on the phone (she was laughing too).

I just am concerned about momentum and keeping her talkative. There are only so many things one can talk and ask.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

If you are seeing a girl who is so tight lipped that it makes conversation difficult, I would next her. That doesn't sound like fun. You shouldn't worry too much about coming up with things to say because she should help with the conversation subjects. If she isn't doing that and is ONLY responding to what you ask, I would just stop talking completely, look her in the eye, smile, and just wait in awkward silence for as long as it takes for her to start saying something. It will be awkward for sure, but needs to be done to show her you are strong. I've only ever been on one date where that tactic failed me. Some washed-up model who was now a single mom and thought she was all-that. She just smiled back at me and stayed silent. It was the longest 60 seconds of my life before I finally gave in. She was NOT going to say a word. In hindsight, after 60 seconds, I should have just said, "Listen, it's been fun asking you a bunch of questions and holding up the conversation entirely on my own but no one is worth all that so take care and good luck!"