First breakup where I didn't break down

[Lord_Spankus]

This is my first post on this forum. I normally just observe other posts, but this time I really wanted insight of what you guys might think of my situation.

About 3 years ago, I went into ah relationship with a woman. Before this, I've had 2 other girlfriends where I was a total and absolute chump. Spent about 6 days a week with both of them, trying to please them in everything they've complained about I've done wrong. Not going into further detail about them, but let's just say I was a textbook AFC.

Then I've discovered the Redpill and let's just say, it was like something clicked. Many things about women made a lot more sense, and I've read the rational male about 7 times till now. Not saying I improved in every way or shape possible, but I improved a lot. I started cold approaching for a while, till I've had two girls that I've started dating. One of them was the textbook sweet 'goodgirl', let's call her GG, and the other one was ah really good-looking gym-girl. The gym-girl didn't work out because she was about 5 years older than me and was trying to lock me down into a relationship after the third date. I declined and had a lot more dates with GG. Looking back, this was the first real rejection I gave to a woman. Before that, I would have never in my wildest dreams thought that I could reject a girl that liked me and I thought was hot.
Things went differently with GG. I was really into her and even though I knew, that at the age of 21, I should spin plates and not go into a relationship with her, after a few months of dating, I still went for it.

The relationship went really smooth. It seemed like she really respected me and saw me as a man she could count on. I also don't think I've failed many **** tests because this time, I really was conscious about what I was doing. Jump to today, she dumped me, and I'm going to explain what made her dump me.

For context, I always tried to keep a 'bratty sister' dynamic with her. Teasing her and trying to rock the boat so to speak. For about two years, she always went with it and teased me back. I never got the impression that it went on her nerves. Now comes the confusing part for me. I sometimes let 'insults' slip. This might sound like a big deal, but it was always in the 'bratty sister dynamic' type of concept. I speak German, so I can't really translate the meaning word for word but I've said something like 'Jerk' and similar things to her sometimes. Always with ah joking intonation. About 4 months ago, she said to me that she doesn't like that, and she wants me to stop. Maybe it was ignorance or I've thought that she was just **** testing me but I've continued speaking to her that way.

Interestingly, 4 Weeks ago she wanted to talk about our future. Things like when we want to have kids, when we plan to move together and similar things. She is 23, I am 24 as of writing and I've told her, that before I am 30, I won't do none of those things. The last thing she wanted to talk about was the already mentioned insults. She again said she really really didn't like them. This time I promised to her that I will stop saying such things and apologized because I also thought that maybe I was overdoing it, if it really got to her that much. After this talk, things seemed different.

Every time we've met after that, my gut was telling me something was wrong. I think I noticed, that she was acting differently. She declined sex sometimes (Which she never before did), she wasn't as enthusiastic and all in all behaved differently. 5 days ago I've drunkenly said to her jerk again (I know it seems like I say that to her all the time, but the reason I only mention this insult is, because I can't think of any other one).

Today she came to my home and dumped me. She apologized a thousand times and started crying. She said that after the talk we've had things felt different for her. She couldn't really explain why but she said it was mainly because of those insults and that she can't keep going that way. As I'm writing this, I've noticed that it could also be, that I didn't want to move together, etc. this early.

The main question I am having is: Was I going too far? As I've said, I can't really translate what I've said, but in my impression it was never that big of a deal and for sure not in a mean context. On the other hand, if she was taking it hard, then does it even matter what my impression of what I've said is? Did she dump me because I won't move in with her? There are all sorts of questions on my mind about what I was doing wrong, because 6 months ago, she couldn't have been more infatuated with me.

Feel free to ask me all sorts of question so that you can understand my situation better. Im still shook that she broke up with me and I am still trying to comprehend why she did it. It could be that I've forgotten an important detail of what I was doing in the relationship.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Was I going too far?

She didn't dump you because of the jerky behavior.

She dumped you because you clearly stated you didn't want marriage and kids for at least another six years.

She wants marriage now, you don't.

You are incompatible.

Nobody did anything wrong.

Chalk this up as a win, because through your self improvement, you've become a man a woman wants to marry and have kids with.

Learn from this experience and understand this dynamic.

Many girls will want to "husband up" a decent guy when they find them.

Learn how to "prolong" this conversation as long as you can before the inevitable happens.

Unless, of course, you do want a wife and kids.

 

[BPH]

She didn't dump you because of the jerky behavior.

She dumped you because you clearly stated you didn't want marriage and kids for at least another six years.

She wants marriage now, you don't.

You are incompatible.

Nobody did anything wrong.

Chalk this up as a win, because through your self improvement, you've become a man a woman wants to marry and have kids with.

Learn from this experience and understand this dynamic.

Many girls will want to "husband up" a decent guy when they find them.

Learn how to "prolong" this conversation as long as you can before the inevitable happens.

Unless, of course, you do want a wife and kids.

Pretty much this.

Furthermore, you're 24. None of this really matters.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Was I going too far?

Yes. If someone, man or woman, says something is f— annoying and they seem to mean it, the one doing the annoying is disrespectful and is really showing who she or he is, someone who enjoys annoying others. I exploded on such co-worker like last fall.

You can feel complimented that she wanted you to build a life with her but it was right for her to dump you.

 

[SW15]

you're 24. None of this really matters.

I tend to have this viewpoint with most interactions.

He's 24 and she's 23. They had a 3 year relationship. That's pretty good given their age ranges and the 2020s decade.

If there's something truly amazing about her, then it's possible that a long term commitment could be on the table. I have an idea that relationships tend to decay after 5 years, so he was getting closer to this point.

If he didn't want marriage or to have kids soon and she wanted that soon, then that's going to be a major issue. She's in her absolute prime now and she doesn't want to waste anymore of her prime. @Lord_Spankus desires what he desires.

I agree with @taiyuu_otoko that there was a major incompatibility there.

@Lord_Spankus should take a few days off, assess the situation, get in a good emotional state, and then start meeting new women.

He has read The Rational Male and has red pill awareness. If he has a good physique, he will be desirable going forward.

 

[Lord_Spankus]

First of all, thank you all for your input.

Yes. If someone, man or woman, says something is f— annoying and they seem to mean it, the one doing the annoying is disrespectful and is really showing who she or he is, someone who enjoys annoying others. I exploded on such co-worker like last fall.

You can feel complimented that she wanted you to build a life with her but it was right for her to dump you.

I understand. I somewhat felt like I went too far but I never really knew when it was just beeing a $h1t test or really just annoying as you've said. I am neither bitter nor angry at her for breaking up with me. I just want to understand where I went wrong, so that I can correctly navigate future relationships. I guess my problem right now is, that I don't know where to stop this 'jerk behavior'. I know that I always should stand up for myself and tease the girl I'm with a little, but I don't know if it can get too far so too speak.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Today she came to my home and dumped me. She apologized a thousand times and started crying

She delivered remorse, rather than .357 rounds into your chest, or a gallon of rocket fuel onto your home which then went on to be lit up via Zippo. Consider yourself blessed

 

[Lord_Spankus]

She didn't dump you because of the jerky behavior.

She dumped you because you clearly stated you didn't want marriage and kids for at least another six years.

She wants marriage now, you don't.

You are incompatible.

Nobody did anything wrong.

Chalk this up as a win, because through your self improvement, you've become a man a woman wants to marry and have kids with.

Learn from this experience and understand this dynamic.

Many girls will want to "husband up" a decent guy when they find them.

Learn how to "prolong" this conversation as long as you can before the inevitable happens.

Unless, of course, you do want a wife and kids.

I guess you're right. I somewhat got that feeling myself. It for sure wasn't a coincidence that she dumped me after such a big talk. I don't want to fall into the oneitis trap, but this one bugs me. She never complained to me about what I do. She always respected me for my decisions. When we had the talk about when we wanted to move in together and when I wanted kids, she also mentioned that I seem like a guy that is sound on what he wants. That I don't seem like I easily get turned when it comes to my beliefs. Which I guess is a complement. In this context though, she probably thought that, even if she tried talking me into moving in with her, I would have never complied. It still hurts that I lost her because of it.

 

[Manure Spherian]

First of all, thank you all for your input.

I understand. I somewhat felt like I went too far but I never really knew when it was just beeing a $h1t test or really just annoying as you've said. I am neither bitter nor angry at her for breaking up with me. I just want to understand where I went wrong, so that I can correctly navigate future relationships. I guess my problem right now is, that I don't know where to stop this 'jerk behavior'. I know that I always should stand up for myself and tease the girl I'm with a little, but I don't know if it can get too far so too speak.

Serious question: do you like annoying people? I ask that seriously because I have know people who truly do like annoying others or worse, including one who got his as- kicked for it.

Anyway, the primary reason she dumped you is because you don’t want to have a family with her, and that’s a fine reason for someone who wants a family to dump a man who doesn’t. There are loads of women who wrecked their most sexually leveraged and fertile years, their twenties, being jammed up as a “girlfriend”, in “relationships,” with two or three men successively. Then in their thirties, they are left to choose from men they usually aren’t fond of, and or call it quits and wind up hating themselves and men altogether.

 

[Lord_Spankus]

I tend to have this viewpoint with most interactions.

He's 24 and she's 23. They had a 3 year relationship. That's pretty good given their age ranges and the 2020s decade.

If there's something truly amazing about her, then it's possible that a long term commitment could be on the table. I have an idea that relationships tend to decay after 5 years, so he was getting closer to this point.

If he didn't want marriage or to have kids soon and she wanted that soon, then that's going to be a major issue. She's in her absolute prime now and she doesn't want to waste anymore of her prime. @Lord_Spankus desires what he desires.

I agree with @taiyuu_otoko that there was a major incompatibility there.

@Lord_Spankus should take a few days off, assess the situation, get in a good emotional state, and then start meeting new women.

He has read The Rational Male and has red pill awareness. If he has a good physique, he will be desirable going forward.

You guys are probably right that it's just incompatibility. Something in me wants to believe that everything can be under my control. Like, if I behave a certain way, then no relationship can fail. This is something I need to work on.

I am in fantastical physical shape if it helps. Have been working out for 6 years and I am currently on a cut. I think I almost couldn't look better.

 

[Lord_Spankus]

Serious question: do you like annoying people? I ask that seriously because I have know people who truly do like annoying others or worse, including one who got his as- kicked for it.

No, I don't like annoying people. As I've said, it was just in the context of teasing her. I don't think that I have a complex where I just do it because of sadistic reasons.

 

[Manure Spherian]

No, I don't like annoying people. As I've said, it was just in the context of teasing her. I don't think that I have a complex where I just do it because of sadistic reasons.

Got it. See my lengthy edit above. I’ll paste I here in case.


“Anyway, the primary reason she dumped you is because you don’t want to have a family with her, and that’s a fine reason for someone who wants a family to dump a man who doesn’t. There are loads of women who wrecked their most sexually leveraged and fertile years, their twenties, being jammed up as a “girlfriend”, in “relationships,” with two or three men successively. Then in their thirties, they are left to choose from men they usually aren’t fond of, and or call it quits and wind up hating themselves and men altogether.”

 

[Lord_Spankus]

Got it. See my lengthy edit above. I’ll paste I here in case.


“Anyway, the primary reason she dumped you is because you don’t want to have a family with her, and that’s a fine reason for someone who wants a family to dump a man who doesn’t. There are loads of women who wrecked their most sexually leveraged and fertile years, their twenties, being jammed up as a “girlfriend”, in “relationships,” with two or three men successively. Then in their thirties, they are left to choose from men they usually aren’t fond of, and or call it quits and wind up hating themselves and men altogether.”

Okay, thank you for your honest input. I think you guys are right. If I had been 5-8 years older, things would've maybe worked out. Of course, you never can know for sure, but it seems like this was the reason. What is then the best course of action? Like your comment seems to suggest, women want to have kids in the age range of 25-32 I guess.
Is it then best for me, as a man that doesn't want marriage and kids till after 30, possibly older, to wait till I am that age and then seek women that are in that age range?

 

[BaronOfHair]

Something in me wants to believe that everything can be under my control

Yeah, unless a fella goes the way of Messrs Lake and Ng https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podca...-lake-charles-ng/id1596610770?i=1000692309657 pursuing that course of action generally doesn't pan out. And, considering the fate of those two, it's success rate is questionable to begin with

 

[Manure Spherian]

Is it then best for me, as a man that doesn't want marriage and kids till after 30, possibly older, to wait till I am that age and then seek women that are in that age range?

This would be common sense, though I think women having kids at 18 to 25 is fine, better even depending on who they are having them with.

 

[Divorced w 3]

No, I don't like annoying people. As I've said, it was just in the context of teasing her. I don't think that I have a complex where I just do it because of sadistic reasons.

You are doing it properly in being self reflective. Youth does not excuse ignorance and time is less and less forgiving. I commend you for being thoughtful about this.

One thing I would say, there may be something there in your personality that isn’t totally secure in beliefs in your self worth.

you had identified in prior relationships that you were far too appeasing, and this time you seem to have gone too far on the opposite path. It can be a long, painful process for some.

just something to think about and maybe I am wrong.

 

[zekko]

About 4 months ago, she said to me that she doesn't like that, and she wants me to stop.

I don't blame her. Teasing is one thing, but you don't want to be insulting your girlfriend. A neg (do they still call it that?) is not an insult. This is something that young guys can really go overboard with if they're not careful.

 

[Lord_Spankus]

You are doing it properly in being self reflective. Youth does not excuse ignorance and time is less and less forgiving. I commend you for being thoughtful about this.

One thing I would say, there may be something there in your personality that isn’t totally secure in beliefs in your self worth.

you had identified in prior relationships that you were far too appeasing, and this time you seem to have gone too far on the opposite path. It can be a long, painful process for some.

just something to think about and maybe I am wrong.

Maybe. It definitely often felt that I need to strongly overcorrect my behavior from my previous relationships. That, if I falter just a little, that she's going to lose attraction to me. Which I guess is the wrong way to look at it, looking back.
Could be, because I never really got the feeling that she's going to stay with me, because I am a man that she wants to be with. Rather, I should do as much as I can to prevent her from losing attraction to me.