Finding common ground with a new prospect

[Pierce Manhammer]

Gentlemen, et al,

Would you agree or not that one of the tenets of being " good with people" is one's ability to talk about just anything and as a result find "common ground" and shared interests?

I am having this discussion with a friend who says that trying to find common ground, as they say is forcing a bond, and it is not organic.

I tend to disagree. What say ye?

 

[firstbornunicorn]

In what context and for what?

 

[Stuffnu]

Your friend might be an introvert as it shouldn’t feel forced unless he/she is uncomfortable doing it.
The art of having a conversation is discussing topics that both parties have a direct interest in.
Extroverts or those that have the “gift of the gab” will certainty find it easier but those that don’t will have to learn to be more sociable.

 

[Kotaix]

Being perceived as being "good with people" is just letting them to talk about themselves.

You can't force common ground with people. You either have it, or you don't. You can certainly try to find it, but the minute you pretend that you have it for purposes of establishing rapport, it's no longer organic.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Gentlemen, et al,

Would you agree or not that one of the tenets of being " good with people" is one's ability to talk about just anything and as a result find "common ground" and shared interests?

I am having this discussion with a friend who says that trying to find common ground, as they say is forcing a bond, and it is not organic.

I tend to disagree. What say ye?

Agreed.

And there is ALWAYS common ground. Just as there will ALWAYS be disagreeance of some degree. We are humans.

You just have to engage and avoid any sense of self-righteousness and common ground, even if a tiny island, will pop up.


Modern Man Advice

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Kotaix, thank you for your reply.

I spent a long time in corporate America as a leader, my job was to engage type A’s, never the easiest thing to do but I was good at it as my career’s success depended upon it.

As a direct consequence of that I took a number of seminars on the subject over the years - think Dale Carnegie and such. Every single successful communicator in the circles I traveled agreed that relationship building requires understanding what peoples motivations are and filling said need.

Still don’t understand what is INORGANIC about it, men of action don’t leave **** to chance, they make **** happen.

or so I thought haha

Being perceived as being "good with people" is just letting them to talk about themselves.

You can't force common ground with people. You either have it, or you don't. You can certainly try to find it, but the minute you pretend that you have it for purposes of establishing rapport, it's no longer organic.

 

[Kotaix]

Kotaix, thank you for your reply.

I spent a long time in corporate America as a leader, my job was to engage type A’s, never the easiest thing to do but I was good at it as my career’s success depended upon it.

As a direct consequence of that I took a number of seminars on the subject over the years - think Dale Carnegie and such. Every single successful communicator in the circles I traveled agreed that relationship building requires understanding what peoples motivations are and filling said need.

Still don’t understand what is INORGANIC about it, men of action don’t leave **** to chance, they make **** happen.

or so I thought haha

As a corporate communicator you're trying to solve a problem or establish rapport, trying to build bridges between two parties that need each other to complete some kind of goal. This is fine in a business world where one party needs the other. But at the end of the day, those two parties don't go home and call each other on the weekend. Friendship and business are usually a really bad mix.

This just doesn't work with personal interactions. People aren't friends or lovers with someone because of what they can do for eachother. Friendship has no goals other than enjoying each other's company. You can't make someone like you, and trying to do so usually comes across as smarmy. Worse, most of the people who can really pull this off are psychopaths so there is good reason for people to be suspicious of try-hards.

If you're not authentic about your interests around people who are interested in that, you will eventually be found out to be either a fraud or a poser.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

The issue is that I have a broad base of knowledge- used to read the funk and wagnalls and world book encyclopedia for fun a-z as a kid. I can pretty much engage in some on any variety subjects, so no interaction is fake?

This works terribly bad when the target doesn’t speak much, you end up in the “nope that’s not iiiiit” vicious circle.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I would have to answer yes and no. If the person feels that your connection is contrived, this could be a real turn off.

However if you were genuinely interested and connecting without the agenda of an end result, I think the scenario could likely end positively.

To you give an example; although I may not share a particular interest in common with somebody, they will enjoy talking about it if they sense there’s genuine interest in what they’re saying. This alone, can go further than simply having commonality.