Finally Figured Out What Was Up W/ GF(Kind Of) Opinions Please

[joverby]

So I've made a few threads about this over the past month or so now(the reason why I joined). Noticed girlfriend losing interest / dropping off of affection, the usual pre-breakup stuff.

I tried various things here like dropping back on my contact after I noticed I was the only one initiating / really trying. Alls that would come of that would be a text from her asking why the hell I wasn't talking to her(this happend a couple times over 2 weeks)

Well 2 days ago I called her later at night(this was just a day after one of those WTF why arent you talking to me texts). She was being really short and cold with me. I asked what was wrong and of course got the nothing, I tried and tried kept getting nothing. So I just made her laugh for a little while and cut off the call, telling her to call me after work tommorrow. She was still really cold.

So I wait a few minutes and think about how stupid it is and want to get to the bottom of this sh1t. I call her back, call her out on not really being OK again. Still nothing, I mention the text and just say she's clearly not fine.

Finally a break-through, she says something about how she was confused(typical BS excuse). I said so that must mean someone else is in the picture. She denies it but I persisted. I find out who her ex boyfriend was(A guy she still buys weed from). She insists that she only buys weed from him and that "he fvcked her up", with trust / emotions.

I told her if she really wanted to get over him she would've stopped all contact with him. And told her how I've offered to get her weed and she's had that as an option. She just threw out another excuse saying how when I said I would get it before it took two days. Then after I overcame that one she said how she didn't want to spend a lot of money. I called her out on BS excuse again.

[Disclaimer:]I did read a text convo between them before, and it was just strictly about weed.

By the way, she wouldn't even tell me who her ex was right away, she just said why does it matter. I called her out saying it obviously must or you wouldn't have a problem saying. Also had to pry it out of her what he did to "fvck her up" so bad. She also was saying that didnt matter. They went out for a year and he just dumped her one day out of the blue and she found out he had been banging his ex for the last 6 months of their relationship.

I do believe her about the story with the ex, but I also thought about her just saying that because after I thought about it I realized I was making the connections after she said the "confused" line and she was just giving me details. But I know she really does have an extremley hard time talking about her feelings / emotions and if she did get f'd over like that it would explain why her guard might be up.

Anyway, I just tell her how she hadn't been giving 100% in the relationship and she couldn't if she was emtionally vested elsewhere. She says she knows and apologizes yadda yadda. I ask to come over to finish the convo in person, so I head over to her house.

Continued.....

 

[joverby]

Continued.....

So I go over to her house and we end up talking for hours, but I play it pretty cool. I just say how we both need to be happy and if she's not happy in the relationship that means I can't be and I need someone fully vested etc. I just tell her some stuff about not letting someone treat her like that and how she needs some more self respect because if she had it she wouldn't be so hung up over a peice of sh1t like that. But I also said I should say the same about myself becasue I put up with some sh1t from her.

I worded myself really well this whole time, I'm just summarizing. But the gist is I just say how I really wish things were different and I hope she expects better for herself. And that I would never ever do anything to hurt her. And that I'm going to be OK and she's going to be alright too. I can tell when I said things about how I'm going to be alright she felt REALLY bad. She was crying pretty hard the majority of the time, and like I said at a lot of points I can tell she felt like genuine sh1t. I also saw a lot of hesitance in her when we tried saying good bye multiple times.

When I was finally about to leave I kind of really lost it for the first time(like it first hit me after telling her how I would be fine and being strong the whole time) I recovered quickly though, she just gave me a hug and I could tell felt pretty terrible. We had a couple really passionate kisses and I took off, I was there for about 5 hours or more probably over this whole incident.

I take off, do some frisbee golfing to clear my head(since I can't sleep anyway) I just can't let her go still. I know how she is, I know she is stubborn / I believe her that she really did get hurt bad by her ex and that's why she had her guard up / wouldn't let me close to her. I just couldn't let it go like that. So I went back home and called her, I just told her how I couldn't live w/ myself if I let it go without trying again, and that I couldn't help but tell she was very hesitant and I could tell she didn't really want to do it.

She started crying and said she realized that she made a mistake and didn't realize what we had. Apologizes for putting me through all that sh1t. I end up coming back over to her house.(Yesterday) We hang out for the rest of the day, she is really affectionate / can see the lust in her eyes again etc.

I leave this morning and here I am at work. Still confused and am planning on talking some more about it with her later becasue I have some unresolved issues still. I need to lay down my expectations

#1.)She give 100% in the relationship
#2.)She stop talking to her ex
#3.)Probably going to tell her I expect more sex than what we'd been having but I might omit that since that was a by-product of her not being emotionally in the relationship. But the sex is important to me, so I think I might say it anyway.

I know she does have emotionally baggage and other emotionally problems which is why it's so hard for her to talk about her feelings. I like this girl so much(obviously) and I just can't let her go. We are a lot a like, we always say the same sh1t at the same time...just always on eachothers wave length. The only big difference is our openess / emotional baggage. I got no problem communicating / saying how I feel.

I do feel that the talk is what we needed to progress one way or another and I'm glad I manned up and made it happen finally. So I do feel that since this is out in the open now that we can progress forward in the relationship instead of at the stalemate we were at forever. But I do need to say those issues that I addressed for myself to be emotionally sound first. I could feel the love back in the air when I was with her too though, she initiated kisses and gave me some pretty passionate ones / how she wanted me to hold her when we were sleeping etc.

Opinions? I'm sure most will say run but I can't. Not yet at least.

 

[mahoney]

Still confused and am planning on talking some more about it with her later becasue I have some unresolved issues still. I need to lay down my expectations

#1.)She give 100% in the relationship
#2.)She stop talking to her ex
#3.)Probably going to tell her I expect more sex than what we'd been having but I might omit that since that was a by-product of her not being emotionally in the relationship. But the sex is important to me, so I think I might say it anyway.

yes, now is the time for you to bring in your unresolved issues also. you are both now dealing with some of her issues, its the correct time to say "well look here are some things i think need to be resolved and i think all of these things are actually intertwined"

your points #1 and #2 are fine (normally im not a fan of telling people they cant talk to an ex but in this case it seems a good idea - as long as its made clear that its because its not doing her any good)

i wouldn't bring up #3 at this point, don't think its the right time for that to be brought up, if the other things are resolved this should resolve itself anyhow. if it doesnt, deal with it at that time, not right now

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Well yeah, I'd easily say to run off.

My bad relationships involve crap like ex boyfriends and a roller coaster ride of Interest Level.

My good relationships involve the girl being into me and treating me well. There are ups and downs in all relationships, but not "cold shoulder for a month, weed-dealing ex boyfriend still in the picture, 'I'm confused about my feelings'" problems.

You put a band-aid on the problem and temporarily saved a dying relationship.

 

[Htienvu]

Just read a few sentence and didn't want to read the rest! It's the same story, you shouldn't hang out with girls on weeds anyways, weed messes with your mind, the girl's probably damaged goods. Pack up and run mate, you as an improving dj you should be aiming for quality girl instead of a drugged up one!

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

yes, now is the time for you to bring in your unresolved issues also. you are both now dealing with some of her issues, its the correct time to say "well look here are some things i think need to be resolved and i think all of these things are actually intertwined"

your points #1 and #2 are fine (normally im not a fan of telling people they cant talk to an ex but in this case it seems a good idea - as long as its made clear that its because its not doing her any good)

i wouldn't bring up #3 at this point, don't think its the right time for that to be brought up, if the other things are resolved this should resolve itself anyhow. if it doesnt, deal with it at that time, not right now

I say that all 3 of those things are qualities in a relationship that shouldn't have to be explained to a grown woman.

- Be dedicated the relationship
- Stop talking to your ex
- Have sex

These are foundational. These are things that should be happening UNSPOKEN.

Normal couples have arguments like "Clean the dishes...call before you stop by....ask before borrowing things."

The things the OP are mentioning already show a crack in the foundation. This thing is gonna come tumbling down.

 

[joverby]

About the weed, you're right it does. But I smoke weed myself so I can't really say a lot about that.

But you're right the foundation was cracked and already came tumbling down, hard. But to be honest I don't think it was really that solid in the first place, becasue of her latent emotions for the ex.

That's why I was thinking since it did come down / the truth came out there would be that weight lifted off of our shoulders and she could let her guard down / let me in. Since this barrier was clearly there the whole time to begin with.

You're right you shouldn't have to say those things at all. And point #3 I was very iffy on anyway as I said(I won't mention it). I don't really NEED to mention point one, but I do want to say it for my own mental sake. And #2, I'll gauge her reaction to that when I mention it because that will be the biggest problem. As this whole thing was stemming from that to begin with.

Like I said this was a crack from the beginning that went untreated. And sure she has emotional baggage / damaged goods but sometimes good people are a little damaged. But I feel like now that she actually got it off her chest / got that new connection for eachother we could REALLY start to build the relationship up.

Maybe I'm just being crazy but it does just feel right being with this girl. And I can tell she feels very strongly about me(obviously). I'm just going to try to maintain some faith for now and talk to her about it later again.

[Edit]: Please don't think I'm just disregarding your advice or don't value it. Just trying to bring up reasons why I think you're not completely right. I also apprecaite Htienve, I know it's long but you should prob read the whole thing first.

 

[joverby]

A LOT of rationalizing going on here. C'mon man, you are defending a girl who has so little interest in you that she has continued contact with her ex, initiates nothing, fought tooth and nail to keep contact with her ex, and to top it off, does not even meet your sex needs.

Now, to steal from Rollo, you are attempting to negotiate desire by forcing the issue with her ex. The real problem being, that she does not want to write off the ex. Nothing you say or do will change that.

What exactly about this whole situation tells you "This could end well"?

Go find more options, this girl has made it plain as day that you are a low value option at best. Stop being afraid of not having someone. Part of getting a sack and manning up for yourself is the process of dumping anyone in your life who deserves it, regardless of how much you do not want to.

I know dude, for me to be putting up w/ all of that, for so long especially shows I have my own issues too. IDK what it is, maybe it is just my limited amount of girlfriends that I've had to compare it to. I just know I'm really attracted to everything about her , except her emotional baggage / inability to open up easily.

Maybe it is just a band-aid. But we were broken up already and she said she made a mistake and apologized etc...So at that point she didn't HAVE to reinitiate the relationship. Granted we were both pretty emotional at the time but either way, I know if she really didn't want to be with me she could've just as easily said no sorry, it's not working out. Since it was already done already.(I'm talking about my phone call later that day after we broke up already)

More rationalizing, but sometimes you need to. I do need to hear opinions like yours though, you can't always hear what you want to hear because there is at least some truth in everyones opinion.

[Edit]: Just re-read what you said. You're right. I knew about what the issue is. Her wanting me is just an added complication to her still wanting her ex still. I thought about this yesterday too but must of been over rationalizing to justify it for myself. It's the classic case of he fvcked her over, so she innately thinks that means she's not good enough for him giving her a burning desire to try to understand and be w/ him. Exactly what is goin on with her in my head right now I'm sure....IDK. This entire thing has been such a mind fvck. Going to talk to her today anyway and that will def be the focal point; but I think you're right. Especially since she offered a few different excuses as to why she had to keep talking to him / "HAD" to get weed through him.

 

[The_411]

Here's the deal Joverby, and I leanred this from my own experiences.

When you rationalize and defend you've already lost.

Never make excuses for someone especially females. If they act shady, disrespectful, dishonest, etc. That's on them. If someone is good for you they're not running around hiding things. I do udnerstand we all have baggage and things we don't talk about but usually those things are well in the past and don't affect our life today. However, here you're rationalizing someone who talsk to her ex gets drugs from him and hasn't lsot her desire for him.

There are just certain people in our lives that have some sort of spell of us if we let them. In this case her ex has a spell over her and she's going to walk down that path, which means she's emotionally unavailable.

Never be an option. Once you relent to being an option you've lost your balls and you're done.

The only person to break the spell her ex has over her is someone who is able to psuh the buttons and create greater attraction than her ex.

We settle because of lack of perceived options and a lack of belief in oruselves.

Work on your issues, set goals in many facets of your life and down the road you'll be thankful you didn't stick around for the train wreck that is going to ensue.

 

[Htienvu]

I see you investing way too much into this, you're going to get hurt. As anti dump said, you've only one heart, protect it.

 

[joverby]

You guys are right. We are supposedly back together but she still didn't change back from single on her facebook. Which she changed to that same day. The more I think about it the more it pisses me off. Man, that sh1tss so fvcked up.

Just called her and she was very happy and pleasant(typed this and realized I was just looking for something to cling to) but still judging based off her actions. She wanted people to know she was single the same day. Yet when we're "back together" all's she does is has it hidden at the top of her page now so it doesn't say either way.

Actions do indeed speak louder than words.

But I do have extremely high respect for mahoney and he didn't give me warning aside from not mentioning sex as it was clearly linked to the other issues. But he also may not have because I specifically said what I was going to do anyway IDK.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7

It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never what you thought it was.

Even if you could go back to where you were, any relationship you might have with an ex will be colored by all of the issues that led up to the breakup. In other words, you know the end result of those issues. It will always be the 800lbs. gorilla in the room in any future relationship.

Healthy relationships are founded on genuine mutual desire, not a list of negotiated terms and obligations.

 

[Iceberg]

That's why I was thinking since it did come down / the truth came out there would be that weight lifted off of our shoulders and she could let her guard down / let me in. Since this barrier was clearly there the whole time to begin with.

It works like that on TV. But at the end of the day, her feelings are her feelings. "Lifting a weight off her shoulders" doesn't change the person who she is, the world she lives in, or her feelings for her ex or you or whoever else.

And really, "Letting the guard down, and letting you in..." that's what girls want from a guy. They want to break through your rough exterior and find out what's in your heart. A girl who is into you will already "let you in". Guys don't chase girls to "let their guard down."

Maybe it is just a band-aid. But we were broken up already and she said she made a mistake and apologized etc...So at that point she didn't HAVE to reinitiate the relationship. Granted we were both pretty emotional at the time but either way, I know if she really didn't want to be with me she could've just as easily said no sorry, it's not working out.

Hah.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I kept rebounding back and forth in the same crappy relationship...

Her re-initiating the relationship isn't a sign that she plans on building a stable future with you. It just means that she wasn't ready to walk away right that minute.

I've done the same thing. I'd spend weeks hating on some girl I was dating, and then when break-up time came, we'd get right back together the next day. The problems were still there. The anger/boredom/disappointment was just replaced by the temporary pain of missing the person.

Going to talk to her today anyway and that will def be the focal point; but I think you're right. Especially since she offered a few different excuses as to why she had to keep talking to him / "HAD" to get weed through him.

As Rollo just said...you can't negotiate attraction. Either she likes you or she doesn't....and the same goes for her ex.

Talking about it does nothing...with girls especially. They'll give you the run-around, and then when you think you have them trapped with a logical argument, they throw out some emotional crap "I'm confused" "My feelings blah blah blah".

 

[cordoncordon]

Anytime you feel like you want to be with this girl, remember this song.


Walk Away Lyrics
Artist(Band):Five Finger Death Punch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqpnCwP8mBE&feature=related

I'm sorry,
for the demon I've become,
You should be sorry,
for the angel you are not,
I apologize,
for the cruel things that I did,
But I don't regret,
one single word I said,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real,

Could you forgive me,
if I told you that I cared,
Would you be sorry,
if I swore that I'd be there,
Please forgive me,
for laughing when you fall,
I'm so sorry,
but I never cared at all,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is,

Just walk away make it easy on us both,
Just walk away there was never any hope,
Just walk away you already know the deal,
Just walk away pretend that none of this was ...none of this was real.

 

[joverby]

Anytime you feel like you want to be with this girl, remember this song.


Walk Away Lyrics
Artist(Band):Five Finger Death Punch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqpnCwP8mBE&feature=related

I'm sorry,
for the demon I've become,
You should be sorry,
for the angel you are not,
I apologize,
for the cruel things that I did,
But I don't regret,
one single word I said,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real,

Could you forgive me,
if I told you that I cared,
Would you be sorry,
if I swore that I'd be there,
Please forgive me,
for laughing when you fall,
I'm so sorry,
but I never cared at all,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is,

Just walk away make it easy on us both,
Just walk away there was never any hope,
Just walk away you already know the deal,
Just walk away pretend that none of this was ...none of this was real.

I love that song, never really peiced the lyrics to this kind of situation but it is perfect for it, thanks man.

You guys are right as well, you can't talk someone into liking you. So I did end up going over to her house yesterday, didn't read what you guys said but I didn't mention the ex or being devoted to the relationship because I guess I innately knew after all that it would be stupid to mention.

We hung out for a while, ended up fvcking her later. It was really good for both of us. I fvcked her better than I ever had. Not that big of a deal but it kind of is to me, I have only been really in one other LTR and it wasn't even for that long so my sexperience is very limited(Just ONS's before), so I was proud of myself.

I did however say something to her about the Facebook status when I left this morning. I just said "So are you planning on changing your relationship status back on facebook?" She said she already did and just reassured me. And asked me if I wanted to check it right there(I did go check it later and it said she was in a relationship but also noticed she deleted the update from her page going from in a relationship to single, and didn't see the change back from single to in a relationship; which means that one was deleted as well. Meaning she probably just changed it as soon as I left.)

IDK I know this sh1t is fvcked up and relationships aren't supposed to be like that at all. becasue if they are truly based on MUTUAL attraction, it just can't be like that. I know she's got her issues(possibly BPD), I have mine, lack of self esteem / experience(which goes hand in hand w/ the esteem). I also know you guys are all probably right, as almost all of you have been about everything else so far. But I can't walk away yet, not after last night. But I know I can't mentally keep up w/ the rollercoaster it has been if it persists.

[Edit]: You're right too iceberg, when she said that "I'm confused" sh1t it was after I was throwing out logical arguements and just saying how "this and that" doesn't make sense and if it was true you'd do this etc...