Field Report: Internet HB #4 (blind date).

[ZeeOwl]

Background on me (see my 1st field report):
http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=38382
I'm not really sure why I'm posting a report on this one... Hmmm... Guess because the date was so bad, it's kinda funny. lol To prevent discouragement among the newbies or those interested in going the internet route, I would like to mention that this was my first bad one out of about 20. Feel free to comment on my performance or point out any blunders; well, except for the obvious one.

Background on her (from her profile):
No photo.
45, 1m70 (5'7"), 50kg (110lbs), average looks, non-smoker.
Divorced, 2 children.
Looking for a boyfriend.
Bachelor's degree, self-employed.

Initial contact
September 25th
She eMailed me to say that she liked my profile, and would like to get to know me better.
Women rarely write to men on dating sites, as they typically get tons of mail themselves (especially if they have a pic in their profile). When one initiates contact, it usually means one of two things:
a) Very high IL because the guy is very good looking (not my case) or has a very interesting and well written profile (my case).
b) She has low market value because there's something wrong with her (ex: she's psycho), or her life situation (ex: she's on welfare with 6 kids).
So I'm always cautious when this happens. It's only the 2nd time a woman contacts me first. The 1st one seemed nice and normal enough, but we had differing definitions of "average size". Let's say she was average according to the Plattsburg/NY norm, but nowhere near mine.

September 29th (Monday)
I C&F her about something she wrote in her profile. Ask her why she doesn't have a pic. I tell her that maybe she can help me with a political problem I have, since she says (in her profile) that she's interested in politics. I ask her to elaborate on her imagination since she say's (in her profile) that she has a fertile one.

October 1st (Wednesday)
She says she's not ugly, but didn't post a pic because she's well known in Quebec, especially in the literary and herbal medicine fields. And many people she knows use dating sites, so she doesn't want to get recognized. She says she's neither looking for a f-buddy since she can find those easily, or a husband since she was married to a charming alchoholic for 17 years. She wants a boyfriend/lover to spend quality time with occasionally. She mentions that she'll be giving a conference in my city Friday (she lives 45 minutes from me).
Normally I would consider the 17-year relationship with the alchoholic a red flag. But in her case I downgraded it to a yellow flag, as she mentions in her profile that she immigrated here 20 years ago. So I consider the possibility that she may be from a culture where women are still submissive, combined with the fact that she was in a foreign country, as mitigating circumstances.

October 2nd (Thursday)
I mention that I'm more attracted to style than looks. I also talk about my interest in herbal medicine. I downplay the internet dating social stigma, since it's so widespread nowadays. I underline a few common points and interests we have. Mention I've been in Montreal since yesterday, and am heading back tonight, so it will be possible to meet Friday. I ask her for her number, along with best times to call. I give her my cellphone number.
As a rule, I never give my number to a woman, as I use getting her's as an IL indicator. But since she contacted me first, and hinted at meeting first, I assumed her IL was already high.

Taking it to the phone level
October 3nd (Friday)
She called me around 2PM. We chatted a bit so I could set up minimal rapport. Found out she's from the Alsace region of France (French/German accent). Writes books on herbal medicine. She was very polite and formal. She also seemed vague and unsure of herself, so I actually had to ask her if she was calling to set up a date or just to chat. lol I took the lead and told her I was free from 4PM to 6PM. We set up a coffee date downtown at 4:30PM. She seemed so self-concious that I decided against running DD's LJBF and anti-flake routines on her like I usually do, since I thought that might freak her out. And flaking seemed highly unlikely.
Time: About 10 minutes.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Date #1.

October 3nd (Friday)
I got caught in some road construction and arrived 15 minutes late. Appologized, and got some coffee for myself at the counter (she already had her's). When I meet a woman with no pic in her profile, I don't expect much in the looks department. I've had some pleasant surprises with that though (see link at top of 1st post), but this wasn't one of those times. She was fairly well proportioned and slim as stated in her profile, but definitely no beauty queen. Overall, I would rate her a 5.5. Now I'm not that picky in the looks department (my latest ex gets 4.5), but as soon as I sat down with her, I was picking up some really bad vibes. She seemed so shy, self-concious and nervous that it was getting to me, and making me nervous.

I got her talking about random common interests we have. At one point in the convo, I was so concentrated on paying attention to what she was saying, and blocking out the nervousness vibes, that I forgot to watch what my hands were doing...and...I spilled coffee all over myself. haha! I can't ever recall doing something like that on a date. I definitely wasn't feeling intimidated by her looks. I played it off cooly, and cleaned myself up. Eventually, she showed me some of her work (she'd just got back from a radio interview). It was interesting. Then I noticed it was near the time for her to leave (it was 5:11PM, she had another interview at 6PM). She said she could stay 10 more minutes, but I said I'd let her go at that. I don't think I could of handled another 10 minutes of intense tension. She asked me if I wanted her phone number. I said "sure", was about to enter it in my cell, but she gave me a business card. We left the coffee shop together, I opened the door. Then headed for my car.
Time: 35 minutes.

Conclusion: Phew! I think that was the most stressful date I've been on since I started 3 months ago. Her body language thoughout the date was iffy. She sat diagonally and far away. I remained laid back and avoided leaning into her. She hardly ever looked at me while we were talking; EC was nearly impossible. Any type of kino was out of the question. I never got the impression she didn't like me, just that she was very nervous and shy. I know I pick up on people's feelings easily, and even tend to mirror them unconciously. I've caught myself while talking to some British blokes, starting to talk back with a slight British accent! lol This can be great for rapport, but in this case it wasn't helping at all. I think her IL at the beginning of the date was somewhere in the 5 to 8 range, and somewhere in there at the end also. I really have no clear idea. The body language looks bad, but then she offered me her number without me asking at the end, so big ?. I'm getting major mixed messages from her.

I'm not sure if I should even consider seeing her again. I need dating practice, but I'm not convinced that another date with her would go any better. I have to admit that my attraction to her was near zero. Not that she's ugly, she just makes me feel so uncomfortable that I have trouble being around her. Now I think I know how a girl must feel when she gets approached by a super-shy/nervous guy; IL drops like a rock. They must desperately want to get away, which is pretty much how I felt. I used to be one of those guys. It didn't help that she looks at least her age (I would have guessed 45-50). I look about 35, and noticed lately that I've started looking at younger women for the first time in my life (every gf I've had was older than me). Mid-life crisis anyone? haha! My latest ex may only be a 4.5, but she looks about 40, even though she's actually 51. I dunno. Opinions please... Though if I do decide not to see her again, I'd like to do it in a gentlemanly fashion. Not just not call her again, that's lame. Phone or eMail?...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Good post. Life's full of different types of experiences so don't sweat posting one that seems less than pleasant. Although this one didn't seem prosperous, it sounds as if you learned how important rapport is between people. Not having it can really upset things (like cups of coffee).

Although getting in a lot of DJ practice is preferable, but it does help if you at least enjoy talking with the person. In this case I suggest cutting the strings now, it seems that you will have to really work at having any type of interaction with this woman.

Send her a 'Dear Jane' note ASAP. Keep it simple by saying that you enjoyed meeting her but you didn't feel much chemistry between the two of you. Also wish her luck in finding what she is looking for. That's it. Clean, concise and final.

Keep up the posts, I'm sure that a lot of us can benefit from them.

 

[dontmindme]

she sounds super nervous. i say give, get that second date or third date, see if she settles down a little, and if you're still not getting the vibes, move on

 

[myfriendblu]

Re: Date #1.

Originally posted by ZeeOwl
October 3nd (Friday)
I I think her IL at the beginning of the date was somewhere in the 5 to 8 range, and somewhere in there at the end also. I really have no clear idea. The body language looks bad, but then she offered me her number without me asking at the end, so big ?. I'm getting major mixed messages from her.

Who there! Between 5 and 8? Thats a world of a difference! I would rate this girls IL at a 3. Not high at all. NEXT and get back out there.

PS, young chiks are hot hot hot, LOL I was chattin up a 17 year old (LOL even I feel kinda bad about that, oh well I was boozed up) last friday at a party. Dam, thank god her IL wasn't very high, who knows what woulda happened!