Feeling insecure despite finding the right girl

[Let4everBe]

Hi all,

I stumbled on this site and found a lot of good advice here on love and relationship. I hope that you guys can help me here.

About myself. I'm a guy in my mid-20s. So far I've only had one serious gf (X) in my life for 4 years and we broke up 8 months ago. I had another gf (Y) or rather a rebound for a short 1 month after that and after breaking up with Y I fell in love with a long time friend (Z). Other than that, I had a lot of admirers and potential flings in the past but never proceed or attempted anything because its either I was shy, fussy or afraid (cos I was with X). Z is the second girl I had a sexual relationship with.

About Z. She is also in her mid-20s. She too had a serious bf for 2 years. After that she had a long time fling (1-2 years?) which she didn't want to commit to as she knew he wasn't serious. After breaking up with this long time fling, she was seeing someone else but did not want to continue as she did not want to waste her time when she knew he too wasn't serious. When Z met up with me again (I was overseas for a couple of years) we fell in love and decided to give it a try. We've been going out for 3 months.

Note that she actually had a lot more bf's and non serious relationships in the past but those were not important to her or to be mentioned.

What's bugging me is the fact that she had more relationships that I did. I know for a fact that it wasn't her choice to end up with the wrong guy as she wanted true love and there are times she regretted for even starting the relationship. She did mention that she experienced loneliness and heartburns that she decided to go out with different guys just to keep her occupied. As far as I know (gathering info from her) she only had 3 sexual relationships.

We've been good friends for 3 years and I trust her even as a friend. She's told me a lot about herself and her relationships and I'm thankful for that. I'm only afraid that she might loose interest in me one day or do something behind my back.

Though she tells me she loves me and she says I'm the one she wants to live with forever, I'm still insecure. I even had sinful thoughts of finding a one night stand just to get even with her. Is this normal? What's wrong with me? I do not want to do something stupid like that. I am very much in love with her and I willing to forget her past but it keeps haunting me.... HELP!

 

[MacAvoy]

Hi all,

I stumbled on this site and found a lot of good advice here on love and relationship. I hope that you guys can help me here.

What's bugging me is the fact that she had more relationships that I did.

Is this normal? What's wrong with me? I do not want to do something stupid like that. I am very much in love with her and I willing to forget her past but it keeps haunting me.... HELP!

First off, I already know I'm wasting my breathe but here goes anyway. If you found a lot of good advice here, your not taking it. What you really need to do is take some time, totally clear her from your mind and thoughts. Imagine she isn't in your life. Then go read the bible. I know it sounds like work but its actually addictive. Very enjoyable reading. The most important thing this site has to offer is the bible, not anything that I say or any Master DJ for that matter. Now that I got that out of the way and I know your not going to follow through. I'll offer my 2 cents.

It is very normal that it is bugging you that she has had more sexual relationships than you. I can tell you something right now. You will never get over it. The best thing you could do is move on. I'm serious. But you say ... but I love here. Well heres a newsflash for you, there are millions of women out there that you can love and will love you back. Honestly your not ready to keep a women with your mentality. You need to go and read the bible and start growing.

I wouldn't suggest having a ONS, but I would suggest NEXT'ing her and start SPINNING MORE PLATES. You need to have about 5-6 different women on the go. I see a common mistake that I made when I was younger, jumping from one relationship to another. Society has brainwashed you into believing that your whole life should be about the pursuit to find your life partner.

Well if you really want to have that one great life partner, you need practice in how to create attraction if you want to keep her and have a meaningful relationship. The only way you are going to get that practice is if you get out there and date lots and lots of women. Along the way, you may decide that one stands out above the crowd. Thats when you consider entering a LTR. However you should never enter a LTR without knowing her at least 3 months.

Why would you commit to a relationship with someone that you don't even know?

Lastly, even if you don't follow my advice, which I know you won't, the least you can do is go read the bible. After your AFC ass screws things up, at least you will have some knowledge of the bible and hopefully that will be enough motivation for you to turn your life around.

So are you going to be one of the few that take our advice or are you the majority who has to get their heart broken first?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Though she tells me she loves me and she says I'm the one she wants to live with forever, I'm still insecure. I even had sinful thoughts of finding a one night stand just to get even with her. Is this normal? What's wrong with me? I do not want to do something stupid like that. I am very much in love with her and I willing to forget her past but it keeps haunting me.... HELP!

Are you truly insecure or are you feeling overwhelmed with the pressure of being "the one" for her? Feeling that you may not be able to live up to her expectations? Having the thoughts of having a one night stand to immediately prove that you aren't the perfect guy for her just to relieve the pressure? Loving her so much that the fear of loosing her is actually overpowering your love for her?

If this is the case, acknowledge it for what it is; reality. The best you can do is be the best guy that you can be at that particular moment, worrying about it adds no value so find something that does. Whatever that may be, make sure that it is something that YOU CHOOSE to do, not something that you feel she would like. The key is to build your self worth on the basis of your merit; that will redirect that pressure into a positive form.

 

[Desdinova]

I even had sinful thoughts of finding a one night stand just to get even with her. Is this normal? What's wrong with me?

I'm not sure if any of us can tell you what's wrong. All I can really see is that you're insecure and vengeful. The reasons causing it may be something bigger than any of us here can help you with, something that happened in your past.

You may want to look into some conselling or therapy if you're really feeling the need to "get even" with your woman.

 

[Let4everBe]

Francisco d'Anconia, I strongly agree with you. After thinking hard, the problem is not with her but with myself. She never did anything to me intentionally and I have no reason or rights to even cheat on her. I guess all this insecure feelings and fear of being her ex one day has made me think that way. Thanks Fran, I'm glad you look at it that way.

MacAvoy, I've known her for 3 years. We're good friends so that's why I'm considering a LTR. I'm taking your advice too and I'll check out the bible right after I post this up. Cheers guys!

 

[Natch]

Though she tells me she loves me and she says I'm the one she wants to live with forever, I'm still insecure. I even had sinful thoughts of finding a one night stand just to get even with her. Is this normal? What's wrong with me? I do not want to do something stupid like that. I am very much in love with her and I willing to forget her past but it keeps haunting me.... HELP!

Bro , are you sure it's her past that bothers you?
i find a lot of guys get unhappy when they find the One , and they haven't had their own share of flings yet.

If you want to go out and fling , fling.
We have this culture that the only business you have in relationships is to be born , go thru puberty and start looking for The One. In reality , we also have to do our sowing of wild oats, it's a thing a guy has to get out of his system *before* he can settle down.And there ain't no point trying to settle down before youve done it.