~attrACTION~
Banned
I'm starting to feel like my goals don't mean as much as I thought they did.
I find myself unhappier every day. Actually, I'm barely happy any more. Sure, I appreciate the things I have, of course, but I feel down. Like, I live in a very nice home with my folks and I love the ocean views in the mornings. But then I think how much I should cherish these moments because it will mean nothing to me when my folks are gone.
Feeling appreciative doesn't make me happy, it makes me sad. Sad that material things don't mean **** to me, and when in the presence of nature I feel this weird sensation like being happy and sad at the same time...like a deep emptiness.
In the past 2-3 months, I've figured out a solid way to make some easy side money; I work on about 1-1.5hrs per week, and average $100-$200 profit. Don't ask what I do, I won't tell you. I'm doing okay in school. I'm doing great at home, taking care of the house and having some great times with my folks.
But what I really lack is a love life. It's got me down like never before. I've really stopped socializing much. I used to be really anxious/nervous in highschool and I feel like those fears have crept back.
Everywhere I go, I see boyfriends/girlfriends holding hands and being lovey-dovey and gets to me. I used to brush it off and say it's not my priority or I don't care...but I do care. And by now, I've deprived myself of it for such a long time (almost a year) that I've felt so unconfident around women lately. I consider myself fairly good-looking because I get checked out a lot...but that has me even more down because I miss so many damn opportunities everyday. I mean if I was ugly it would probably not bother me as much.
I went clubbing the last week (for the first time in a long time), but it just didn't feel right. I felt weird and out of place the whole time and just couldn't let loose, despite being encouraged by the enthusiastic/fun guys I was hanging out with.
I remember about a year ago, I barely even knew what passive income was, didn't have a job, had so little money that I borrowed from lots of people and got in bad situations, all I did was party / go to clubs almost every night, did terrible in school and didn't know my life direction, drank excessively, etc...
But every morning, hungover or not, I woke up with such a bright smile on my face I lit up everyone around me. I was very very very happy. Everyone knew me to be a really charismatic person. Girls flocked to me. And come to think of it, I have no idea why I was so happy, because I had absolutely NOTHING going for me...and actually I had a really ****ty life that was going down the drain. I felt great despite lots of really terrible stuff happening...was in the hospital twice, and I even almost went to jail.
The only thing I had was a big social network, of which only 1 was a good friend who I still talk to every now and then. I seriously don't know how I just walked around and cracked jokes and was so happy with not a care in the world. I've sinced moved to another state/town...and now, I have a car, a job, nice side cash, a beautiful home with my folks, go to one of the best schools, and actually feel like I know what I'm doing with my life... but I feel empty and unhappy. And feeling unhappy makes me doubt myself sometimes, and I hate that.
When I try to have fun it feels forced. Even the times that I am happy it's a fleeting moment. I laugh on occasion with friends here and there, but it's not like how I used to feel.
I just don't feeling like I'm living to the fullest. I feel bound to my own unhappiness for some reason. I mean, like I said, I really appreciate everything I have, but not having someone (other than my folks) to share the good times with sucks quite a bit. Another part of it is knowing that even if I find a big social network here, they won't all be my real friends. It'll probably end up like the last...only 1 true friend out of hundreds. So why bother at all?
The other day I just started punching my pillow...and I almost got scared of myself because I punched that pillow so many times, I never realized how much anger I have built up inside. Feeling down has made me feel very angry about...about I don't know what, and that's another problem, because I usually can channel my anger constructively, but now I just feel like doing something very destructive. Today I went for a long jog and did a hundred or more pushups, it depleted some of that energy...and even though it felt good temporarily, the high wore off pretty quick.
I don't know, or maybe this is a rant that I had to get off my chest. Hopefully it's just a temporary down time that I'll get out of...any suggestions are really appreciated.
I find myself unhappier every day. Actually, I'm barely happy any more. Sure, I appreciate the things I have, of course, but I feel down. Like, I live in a very nice home with my folks and I love the ocean views in the mornings. But then I think how much I should cherish these moments because it will mean nothing to me when my folks are gone.
Feeling appreciative doesn't make me happy, it makes me sad. Sad that material things don't mean **** to me, and when in the presence of nature I feel this weird sensation like being happy and sad at the same time...like a deep emptiness.
In the past 2-3 months, I've figured out a solid way to make some easy side money; I work on about 1-1.5hrs per week, and average $100-$200 profit. Don't ask what I do, I won't tell you. I'm doing okay in school. I'm doing great at home, taking care of the house and having some great times with my folks.
But what I really lack is a love life. It's got me down like never before. I've really stopped socializing much. I used to be really anxious/nervous in highschool and I feel like those fears have crept back.
Everywhere I go, I see boyfriends/girlfriends holding hands and being lovey-dovey and gets to me. I used to brush it off and say it's not my priority or I don't care...but I do care. And by now, I've deprived myself of it for such a long time (almost a year) that I've felt so unconfident around women lately. I consider myself fairly good-looking because I get checked out a lot...but that has me even more down because I miss so many damn opportunities everyday. I mean if I was ugly it would probably not bother me as much.
I went clubbing the last week (for the first time in a long time), but it just didn't feel right. I felt weird and out of place the whole time and just couldn't let loose, despite being encouraged by the enthusiastic/fun guys I was hanging out with.
I remember about a year ago, I barely even knew what passive income was, didn't have a job, had so little money that I borrowed from lots of people and got in bad situations, all I did was party / go to clubs almost every night, did terrible in school and didn't know my life direction, drank excessively, etc...
But every morning, hungover or not, I woke up with such a bright smile on my face I lit up everyone around me. I was very very very happy. Everyone knew me to be a really charismatic person. Girls flocked to me. And come to think of it, I have no idea why I was so happy, because I had absolutely NOTHING going for me...and actually I had a really ****ty life that was going down the drain. I felt great despite lots of really terrible stuff happening...was in the hospital twice, and I even almost went to jail.
The only thing I had was a big social network, of which only 1 was a good friend who I still talk to every now and then. I seriously don't know how I just walked around and cracked jokes and was so happy with not a care in the world. I've sinced moved to another state/town...and now, I have a car, a job, nice side cash, a beautiful home with my folks, go to one of the best schools, and actually feel like I know what I'm doing with my life... but I feel empty and unhappy. And feeling unhappy makes me doubt myself sometimes, and I hate that.
When I try to have fun it feels forced. Even the times that I am happy it's a fleeting moment. I laugh on occasion with friends here and there, but it's not like how I used to feel.
I just don't feeling like I'm living to the fullest. I feel bound to my own unhappiness for some reason. I mean, like I said, I really appreciate everything I have, but not having someone (other than my folks) to share the good times with sucks quite a bit. Another part of it is knowing that even if I find a big social network here, they won't all be my real friends. It'll probably end up like the last...only 1 true friend out of hundreds. So why bother at all?
The other day I just started punching my pillow...and I almost got scared of myself because I punched that pillow so many times, I never realized how much anger I have built up inside. Feeling down has made me feel very angry about...about I don't know what, and that's another problem, because I usually can channel my anger constructively, but now I just feel like doing something very destructive. Today I went for a long jog and did a hundred or more pushups, it depleted some of that energy...and even though it felt good temporarily, the high wore off pretty quick.
I don't know, or maybe this is a rant that I had to get off my chest. Hopefully it's just a temporary down time that I'll get out of...any suggestions are really appreciated.
