Feeling a little fragile

[SteR]

Hey guys,

I feel the need to make this thread just to clear my mind.

I've mentioned before that I had a crush on a co-worker that I've been working with for the past year. To cut a long story short, she was throwing herself at me for the first three months of work but I held off due to too many red flags and the fact she was a co-worker (we work in quite a close knit team). Obviously after a few months of me not making a move she lost interest and moved on.

Unfortunately for me this caused me to suddenly develop a rough case of oneitis which, if I'm honest has lingered for the past ~8 months. When I say 'oneitis', I basically mean I developed 'feelings' which were very distracting at work but I've stood my ground the entire time and we've kept our distance. I have dated a few other girls in this period but they didn't pan out and again, I get thrust into having to see this girl every day at work.

As it turns out I finished my job a few days ago so I'm finally free to move on, however I suppose I'm feeling a little gloomy that this has all come to an end. The last few days of work she was certainly paying me more attention than usual and at my leaving do she was still acting flirty but again I held off. I figure that even now we won't be working again together, there were still too many red flags for me to even consider dating her (despite still being very attracted to her physically) but I'll be honest when I say I'm finding it very hard to let go.

Part of me is tempted to just mail her and flat out ask her out but I feel that would be a complete chump move. I suppose I'm just going through withdrawal symptoms.

Can anyone else relate? Offer any words of wisdom? This sucks

 

[Scormus]

Get her alone and try to kiss her and you will have your answer.

 

[SteR]

and you can't blame her, she was protecting her own heart and self-esteem

I don't blame her at all.

you don't have the work component anymore. What are the red flags that are stopping you now?

A few that come to mind: she seems to sleep around a lot. Several times she'd talk openly in the office about a number of guys she was seeing. She doesn't take care of her body at all.. drinks a lot, multiple times a week (bear in my I'm a fitness nut). She's clearly a daddy's princess.. very spoiled. Having said this, we did have a number of other things in common but I just don't know if could put up with all the other crap...

Why do you think that? If she asks "why now" you can simply say "because we were co-workers"

Because I feel I should've just asked her outright, in person on my last day.

And Scormus, I was trying to get her alone but because I was leaving I had so many people coming up to me/interrupting me. I figured I'm sick of trying to force something that shouldn't be so difficult..

 

[Big Nuts]

A few that come to mind: she seems to sleep around a lot. Several times she'd talk openly in the office about a number of guys she was seeing. She doesn't take care of her body at all.. drinks a lot, multiple times a week (bear in my I'm a fitness nut)
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You have oneitis over THIS? Jaysus Krist dude....she's a candidate for anal...and that's about it.

 

[SteR]

A few that come to mind: she seems to sleep around a lot. Several times she'd talk openly in the office about a number of guys she was seeing. She doesn't take care of her body at all.. drinks a lot, multiple times a week (bear in my I'm a fitness nut)
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You have oneitis over THIS? Jaysus Krist dude....she's a candidate for anal...and that's about it.

I know this - I'm not ignoring these red flags.. they're exactly why I'm trying to steer clear. But it doesn't stop me lusting after her

 

[Warrior74]

Leave women at work alone, these are you lumps for breaking the rules. Take them like a man and do better next time.

 

[SteR]

Leave women at work alone, these are you lumps for breaking the rules. Take them like a man and do better next time.

She's not a co-worker anymore. I've finished working there.

**** it. I've decided I'm going to ask her out - if she says no, great. I'll have closure and can move on. If she says yes then I'll just have a little fun and see what happens.. and at least get rid of this nagging doubt.

 

[Scormus]

You don't even have to ask for a date. Get her on a "friendly" lunch then go for the snog when you are about to take a pic of you together.

If the response is anything other than a long kiss, you delete her contact details and cut your losses.

Personally I think its a more dignified and less painful way of finding out than asking for a date from someone you already know.

Best practice is to invest little and focus on the chicks who are keen.

Did this with a former co-worker, she wouldn't kiss so I cut her out. She kept wanting to be friends but I refused to spend any time with her after that. One day there were drinks with her and two co-workers I couldn't get out of and she sits next to me and snogs me in front of them. They leave and I try to get her to come home with me, she won't so I cut her off again.

She leaves the company a few weeks later. I run into her on the street by chance. She wants to talk but I wave her off. She texts me asking why I was so rude. I delete without responding.

I see her on the street again by chance a few weeks later but this time she looks away and tries to hide. She looks humiliated.

That's the best you can do with girls who don't think you are good enough to sleep with.

Honestly speaking I don't like the vibe on this one. If you are afraid to approach there must be a reason and I think its deep down you know her interest level is low. In my experience if they like you, they help you and I don't get the vibe that she has encouraged you. For your happiness I hope I'm wrong.

 

[Die Hard]

I hope she says yes coz you need to go broke (again) in order to learn your lesson.

But trust me, if she says yes, things will go a little differently than you have in mind: ("If she says yes then I'll just have a little fun and see what happens..")

You're gonna eat those words, trust me...

I haven't dug into your posting history but I dare to bet on it that you've dealt with psycho bytches like this before. Remember the past, how mentally fvcked up you've been from some of those? Prepare yourself for a repeat, man...

 

[SteR]

I hope she says yes coz you need to go broke (again) in order to learn your lesson.

But trust me, if she says yes, things will go a little differently than you have in mind: ("If she says yes then I'll just have a little fun and see what happens..")

You're gonna eat those words, trust me...

I haven't dug into your posting history but I dare to bet on it that you've dealt with psycho bytches like this before. Remember the past, how mentally fvcked up you've been from some of those? Prepare yourself for a repeat, man...

Duly noted.

I have indeed dealt with girls like this before and yes it was very unpleasant - this was a long time ago though and part of me wonders how I would handle it nowadays. I suppose it's best left alone..

Through a stroke of luck the message I sent her seems to have gotten lost so hopefully I can still walk away unscathed...

 

[DJ SO STEVE]

You need to be dating multiple girls not dwelling over one

 

[SteR]

You need to be dating multiple girls not dwelling over one

I agree completely. The problem I'm finding is that the hotter the girls I'm getting, the less I want to spin ordinary plates. But the problem is the hotter girls are far rarer...

 

[Bokanovsky]

I mean this without any disrespect but you need to adopt a less vaginal outlook on the world. I have never heard a straight man refer to himself as "feeling fragile". This is how chicks talk about their "feeeeewlings".

As for your problem with the co-worker, there is an obvious solution. It's called spinning plates.

 

[Boilermaker]

I don't like this "feeling fragile" statement either.

Get a grip, and slap yourself.

WTF are you talking about ?

She was into you and now you can't forget about her?

Try to tap into your state of mind from 6-months earlier.

Change attitude.

Move on.

This "feeling fragile" kind of crap will only elongate your suffering.

 

[SteR]

Haha, the "feeling fragile" was deliberately effeminate...

But yea I think you guys are absolutely right. Time to move on.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Too many people to quote and rep on this thread. I tried but I guess I already repped them.

So, you basically turned down this chick's advances and open invitations because you worked together.....even though you knew the work thing was going to end eventually. And the whole time you had one-itus for her. So, there was chemistry between the both of you and she gave you a hundred chances to make a move...but you didn't. Now, you're thinking about sending her an email asking her out?

First off, get a fukn sack. Explain why you shouldn't have been bangin her this whole time?

Second, "OMG what should I do???" Yeah dude, again, grab your sack and go have a drink with her. Tell her to come meet you somewhere. Simple. If she refuses, okay, fine. Balls now in her court and that huge weight is lifted. You tried. Next.

I don't see what the big deal is with dating girls from work. Yes, I agree, if you see red flags then don't...but wtf you getting all one-itus on her for?? Confused over here. Two of my good friends met their wives at work, it happens. Think you actually fvcked yourself on this one.

 

[nismo-4]

Aww, she moved on because you wouldn't make a move. What did you expect? She feels as if you rejected her. Read my sig. Shoot first, ask questions later. Women want a man with balls. You clipped yours off. You're feeling fragile because you let this one slip away. Your own fault.

Case closed. Exit my courtroom.

 

[Die Hard]

Aww, she moved on because you wouldn't make a move. What did you expect? She feels as if you rejected her. Read my sig. Shoot first, ask questions later. Women want a man with balls. You clipped yours off. You're feeling fragile because you let this one slip away. Your own fault.

Case closed. Exit my courtroom.

I strongly disagree. He didn't let her "slip away", he dodged a fvckin bullet!

And instead of feeling bad about rejecting her, he should feel proud and happy about it! Many fools (myself included) were not strong enough to resist the attraction of no-good, low-life psychobytches and had to pay the price. A guy who can keep himself from falling into that trap should be proud of himself!


But I'm just writing this in the sense of a general discussion, coz I fear that SteR might give an update in the near future and explain to us that he fell for this bytch after all, with all unfortunate consequences that usually entail...

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

I'm curious to know what those red flags were and if they weren't just amplified due to the fact that he worked with her. It seems if you hang around someone long enough you'll eventually see some type of red flag.

My view on this, unless she's a crazy that could put your job at jeopardy, you've both got needs. She's going to be fvcking someone, might as well be you. I've had plenty of missed opportunities in the past that I didn't take advantage of. Some of it was simply because I didnt have the balls to act on it.

 

[SteR]

Righto, it seems I better clarify some things here...

I met this girl when she started at my job a little over a year ago. From the outset my gut told me she would be trouble. From the second she started she was showing huge interest until the start of this year. To be fair, I do flirt with all the girls in the office so this wasn't new to me.. however where as the flirting was playful with the others, she was aggressively chasing me.

Anyway it's been said a thousand times on these boards that you shouldn't dip your pen in the company ink. I work in a very close-knit team (or did). Since I knew this would never develop into a relationship, it'd only be a fling at best, I had to keep my distance. I still maintain that decision now. If things turned sour it would be absolute hell (she used to sit like 1 seat away from me) so I opted to not get involved. I also didn't know at this period that I was going to leave. I valued my job and didn't want to jeopardise my position. Plus I know that all my colleagues would've been giving us **** all day.

I think after ~5-6 months of her pursuing me she realised I wasn't going to cave so started dating other guys. I suppose I got used to all the attention so when she moved on it caused me to get a mild crush. It's important to note that I was working flat out at this period too.. my social life was struggling since I had so much going at work.. and of course I had to see her all the time which intensified the situation.

It's also worth noting that ever since she basically flung herself at me during the Xmas party, she was never at any work social event that I was at until my leaving do.. so short of directly asking her out at work (which I'd have been mad to do) there was no possible way for me to even begin rebuilding rapport. I don't blame her for it either.. if the situation was reversed and I'd been rejected I'd have done the same thing.

Anyway someone asked about the red flags: when she started she was talking about all the stalking, crazy **** she was doing to try and get back with her recent ex. She did bring up that she was sleeping with multiple guys during the first months. She also seemed to be out partying a lot during the week.. but you could argue that's just being social. However I did get to know her a little more over the last year and she did have some positive traits.. so she wasn't all bad.

I think some of you are being a bit daft if you think this was just a case of me 'manning up and approaching her'. This has never been the issue. The issue has been whether it would have been worth risking my job for a fling with a girl. And in hindsight, no. It couldn't have been any other way...

(Apologies for the long post)