Feel left out because I can't be in any cliques?

[cococrispy]

Hey,
I am a senior in high school (all-guys school), and still not in any clique.
People respond to me great when it is one on one, or a couple people, but it seems like I get a feeling of being left out when I am talking with a group of people.
I don't know if this is due to me not talking to people in the 9th grade and 10th grade (I was not apart of any sports/clubs those two years and didn't talk to that many people). When I was in the 11th grade, I read psychology articles and took a Dale Carnegie public speaking course, and so I could speak 100x better to people when I am talking one on one to them or just a few people.

Here are my weaknesses:
-I don't play video games, pay attention to celebrities, watch TV, or watch movies, so whenever these topics come up (which is what people pay attention to) I just fade out and can't contribute anything to the conversation.
-I have been focusing on my grades a lot, as this first quarter and my junior year I chose to study more to get into a good college rather than hang out with people.
-I have no car, so I can't drive either.
-I want to get rid of my facebook, because it just depresses me on how people are having amazing days every single day.
-I talk to everyone, from nerds to sports jocks. Everyone knows me in my grade. Just unable to have a close group of friends rather than acquaintances.

I feel like in college it will be much different, because I will be apart of a fraternity, try to make friends early, and do a ton of intramurals during my freshman year (and I won't have to have a car to go anywhere).

I don't really know what exactly the problem is here? I am guessing that in 9th and the 10th grade just made people think of me as too shy, and that was their first impression? I just want to fix this problem so that I don't screw it up for college, which hopefully will be the best time of my life.

 

[BigSmooth]

I get what you're saying. Although I had a close group of friends in high school, I definitely noticed/had friends who were in the same boat as you.


One tip is to invite people to do things. You have to take the first step to gain a better relationship with people. Ask a small of guys to go chill. It's up to you to make the first step.


Be confident when talking to them. First impressions are important, but it's also possible to get past the "shy guy" first impression. Carry yourself like you are the "****" and talk like you know what you are talking about. Include everyone in conversations, as you want everyone to feel comfortable with you since you are trying to get into their group.


And college is definitely a new experience. I'm rushing a fraternity next semester, and have joined several organizations, and it's a blast. Don't eff it up in college, get involved.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Hey,
-I want to get rid of my facebook, because it just depresses me on how people are having amazing days every single day.
-I talk to everyone, from nerds to sports jocks. Everyone knows me in my grade. Just unable to have a close group of friends rather than acquaintances.

Why does it depress you that other people are having a good time? You should feel good for them that they're happy and that will help you feel better.

Join a group. Find the people most similar to you and spend most of your school time with them.

 

[cococrispy]

I get what you're saying. Although I had a close group of friends in high school, I definitely noticed/had friends who were in the same boat as you.


One tip is to invite people to do things. You have to take the first step to gain a better relationship with people. Ask a small of guys to go chill. It's up to you to make the first step.


Be confident when talking to them. First impressions are important, but it's also possible to get past the "shy guy" first impression. Carry yourself like you are the "****" and talk like you know what you are talking about. Include everyone in conversations, as you want everyone to feel comfortable with you since you are trying to get into their group.


And college is definitely a new experience. I'm rushing a fraternity next semester, and have joined several organizations, and it's a blast. Don't eff it up in college, get involved.

That seems like very good advice, I'll try to follow it, thanks.
I can't wait for college, I was too busy studying and minding my own business in high school, but in college I will definitely get involved as much as I can!

 

[Jack Wealthy]

No. College will be exactly the same because you won't be involved in the moment. You have to want this moment. Improvement on it is fine, but will never be in the future.

 

[scudge]

I'm curious about this too considering i have the same problem. I have no enemies (which is nice) but I don't have any friends I can count on either. It's pretty lonely most of the time.

I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with vibe. I notice I often emanate an aura of aloofness that some people chase and others are threatened by.
Just my two cents.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

If you have no enemies/friends it is because you aren't controversial enough. You don't represent your true self. If you do then it will threaten some people and others will really like you. Having no friends usually means you're too generic and try to hard to please others.

 

[Mike32ct]

Honestly man, if you aren't in any cliques by senior year, it's probably too late. You see, cliques are formed VERY quickly and early on. The impressions people formed of you over the past 3.5 years really can't be changed much in the few months you have left of high school.

Don't feel badly about it. You have maybe half a school year left and then you go to college, where it really counts. You just learned an extremely valuable lesson to take with you to college and beyond.

When you get to college, hit the ground running with the social scene. Join a frat asap. Start talking to people to make friends right away. Look into intramurals or extra-curricular activities, whatever they call them.

Being shy early on and talkative later NEVER works in ANY situation. Trust me on that. When you start a new school, start talking to people asap. When you start a job, start talking to coworkers asap. When you go to party or bar or club, start talking to somebody as soon as you walk in the door. See your social value high and set it high as early as possible.

 

[BigSmooth]

Join a frat asap.

*Fraternity


But yes, like Mike said, and what I said earlier, hit the ground running when you get into college. When someone's first impression of you is of that of a flirty/confident/funny man, they start treating you like that. First impressions are critical.

However, even though you have this mind-set of how you're going to change in college, you're still going into college with the same social skills you had in high school. You might or might not have any success in changing your persona.


One way to succeed is to start practicing your social skills, and get a job over the summer, at a clothing store or at the local pool. Even join or be a counselor at a youth camp. Anything to help you develop better skills for the future.

Besides, the pool/clothing store/counselors are littered with dime pieces.

 

[LearningSlowly]

No. College will be exactly the same because you won't be involved in the moment. You have to want this moment. Improvement on it is fine, but will never be in the future.

Love the sentiment but I can't quite agree. College is going to be awesome. Still, be happy with what you have. Happiness rubs off on everything you do.

That said, I'm in exactly the same position as you in my high school! I was introverted through the first three years and now I'm struggling to catch up to everyone. I'm glad that I have plenty of social pathways outside of school to be with friends and make new ones, but I regret not being more active in my school earlier in.

You said you don't play video games, watch celebrities, etc. My comparison there to my life is watching sports. I rarely do it, and I tend to be out of the loop in sports conversations. People know I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't recognize names when they come up. I've realized in the past two weeks that the illusion is that I feel as though I CAN'T know about these things. Sure I can! Watching the occasional sports game has helped me so much, so quickly, in being active in conversations. I'm happier when people talk about sports now, and I really don't mind watching the games. So why didn't I do this before? I dunno, I was lazy I guess. So why don't you keep up with the things people are interested in?

 

[cococrispy]

Honestly man, if you aren't in any cliques by senior year, it's probably too late. You see, cliques are formed VERY quickly and early on. The impressions people formed of you over the past 3.5 years really can't be changed much in the few months you have left of high school.

Don't feel badly about it. You have maybe half a school year left and then you go to college, where it really counts. You just learned an extremely valuable lesson to take with you to college and beyond.

When you get to college, hit the ground running with the social scene. Join a frat asap. Start talking to people to make friends right away. Look into intramurals or extra-curricular activities, whatever they call them.

Being shy early on and talkative later NEVER works in ANY situation. Trust me on that. When you start a new school, start talking to people asap. When you start a job, start talking to coworkers asap. When you go to party or bar or club, start talking to somebody as soon as you walk in the door. See your social value high and set it high as early as possible.

I think you are right on this one- first impressions are important. For example, I have noticed that when I go to an event and approach people immediately when I get there, they respond more positively than when I approach them later.

Also, I did take a public speaking course, and can interact with people pretty well, but that is mainly for when I am meeting them. I can entertain people with stories if I have any relating to the conversation. While not perfect, I have been much better at talking to people than 3 years ago.

By the way, I have done activities the past 2 1/2 years (just no sports teams- it is a competitive sports high school and I would rather have a higher GPA). People know me as the best chess player at the school (I am not stereotypical), so a lot of people know me. It is just that I don't have a close group of friends, but many acquaintances.

I am thinking of taking a gap year (a year before going to college) to develop self-improvement. I can develop my social skills more, not worry about doing well in school, do more hobbies and become more of an interesting person, and know more pop culture in order to relate with people more.

What I do know is that I will NOT do the same thing as high school with college. I will join a fraternity, do intramurals, and have as much fun as I can.

Thanks for all the replies, they help.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

This pisses me off a bit. I've changed cliques twice in the last year and didn't have one until second year. Just go for it.

People respond better to early approaches because: There is no one to compare you to, they appreciate that they were to nervous and everyone else was- you have confidence and sociability and it shows you go for what you want and are sincere. All good.

Edited because you already considered one of my points.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Whatever you do in your gap year, dont live at home.