Just a small snag on my road to becoming a real man.
I've changed since High School, I'm 21 this year, so I still have a long, long way to go but i thought I was over putting women on pedestals (not in relation to me, but in relation to other women).
It's always been a personal philosophy of mine to try and be as ready as possible. Be ready for the curve-balls that life may throw, be ready for opportunities, be ready so that i can attempt to grasp some form of stability in a world that seems to be a rumbling mass of chaos.
Anyway, i met this woman, but had to promptly move away to attend University. She was and still is smart, sexy, gifted and above all, valued logic and morals. Seems like a rare breed at times.
I've known her for about 3 years now, 2010 will be the 4th and throughout this time we've flirted a whole lot but because of the issue of distance we left it at that. I guess i should have taken the initiative but i always had a nagging feeling that long distance was not a good thing, that it wouldn't work out, that it'd be a disaster. (As a student i thought i could not justify spending $300 round trips interstate/driving 18+ hour round trips to see her and come back. The whole physical aspect of a long distance relationship also greatly bothered me) However, somewhere along the line i figured i could look past this problem so i decided to make myself available. Be ready.
Please keep in mind that until this recent (about 8 months) change of heart i had been seeing women, in relationships etc. The only problem being, these women i was with... never felt 'as good as she'. Almost as if the women i was with could not compare. This was and still is such a wrong state of mentality. And there in lies my problem.
Over those past few months that i had decided to 'wait,' for her to be available, i rejected women. I went on dates, but never seeing the women as serious objects of desire or interest. Mainly just to keep myself from being bored.
And now I'm over it. In the time that I've been waiting, she's had 2 boyfriends. I didn't even know when 1 relationship ended and the other started. It's so sad in knowing that i may have just been a backup, maybe an afterthought, perhaps, or probably that dreaded 'friend'. It's weird because i made sure i was not that emotional tampon, i was not always available, i was essentially, the best DJ that i could have been with my current skills - through the medium of a phone. Maybe that's where the problem was.
Anyway, she's in another relationship and i can't justify putting myself through this. It's just... because she's been my target for so long, other women don't seem to be as 'special'. Like they're 2nd rate goods in comparison. And this is just such an unhealthy way to objectify women. I also wanted to write her an email, expressing my angst. For a whole 10 minutes, i could actually justify my writing that email. I promised myself that it'd be a 'good,' email. Expressing my feelings that would essentially, no longer go on for her, as if she had lost the best thing that had ever happened to her and that this email would magically make her see reason and let her run into my arms. What a joke.
Luckily that email never left the plane of my imagination, and now sits locked in a drawer in a crevice on the dark side of my brain.
In relation to the woman, i contemplated just burning my bridges with her, something akin to a revenge plot to let her see how different her life would be without me. But something tells me that would be a very stupid thing to do.
So far the most logical conclusion that I've been able to come to is to continue to Live my life to the best of my ability, and to still take her calls when they come, let her have her fun, still be a man about things, be that so suave, DJ. Don't let my emotions run wild, employ a semi-cold demeanor on her front and to try and open my eyes to see different women. And perhaps, one day, things may turn out a little differently. After all, why burn a bridge that may still be cross able?
.... This is what i need to do, right? It's just really hard though. I want to call her right now and tell her she should be with me.
I've changed since High School, I'm 21 this year, so I still have a long, long way to go but i thought I was over putting women on pedestals (not in relation to me, but in relation to other women).
It's always been a personal philosophy of mine to try and be as ready as possible. Be ready for the curve-balls that life may throw, be ready for opportunities, be ready so that i can attempt to grasp some form of stability in a world that seems to be a rumbling mass of chaos.
Anyway, i met this woman, but had to promptly move away to attend University. She was and still is smart, sexy, gifted and above all, valued logic and morals. Seems like a rare breed at times.
I've known her for about 3 years now, 2010 will be the 4th and throughout this time we've flirted a whole lot but because of the issue of distance we left it at that. I guess i should have taken the initiative but i always had a nagging feeling that long distance was not a good thing, that it wouldn't work out, that it'd be a disaster. (As a student i thought i could not justify spending $300 round trips interstate/driving 18+ hour round trips to see her and come back. The whole physical aspect of a long distance relationship also greatly bothered me) However, somewhere along the line i figured i could look past this problem so i decided to make myself available. Be ready.
Please keep in mind that until this recent (about 8 months) change of heart i had been seeing women, in relationships etc. The only problem being, these women i was with... never felt 'as good as she'. Almost as if the women i was with could not compare. This was and still is such a wrong state of mentality. And there in lies my problem.
Over those past few months that i had decided to 'wait,' for her to be available, i rejected women. I went on dates, but never seeing the women as serious objects of desire or interest. Mainly just to keep myself from being bored.
And now I'm over it. In the time that I've been waiting, she's had 2 boyfriends. I didn't even know when 1 relationship ended and the other started. It's so sad in knowing that i may have just been a backup, maybe an afterthought, perhaps, or probably that dreaded 'friend'. It's weird because i made sure i was not that emotional tampon, i was not always available, i was essentially, the best DJ that i could have been with my current skills - through the medium of a phone. Maybe that's where the problem was.
Anyway, she's in another relationship and i can't justify putting myself through this. It's just... because she's been my target for so long, other women don't seem to be as 'special'. Like they're 2nd rate goods in comparison. And this is just such an unhealthy way to objectify women. I also wanted to write her an email, expressing my angst. For a whole 10 minutes, i could actually justify my writing that email. I promised myself that it'd be a 'good,' email. Expressing my feelings that would essentially, no longer go on for her, as if she had lost the best thing that had ever happened to her and that this email would magically make her see reason and let her run into my arms. What a joke.
Luckily that email never left the plane of my imagination, and now sits locked in a drawer in a crevice on the dark side of my brain.
In relation to the woman, i contemplated just burning my bridges with her, something akin to a revenge plot to let her see how different her life would be without me. But something tells me that would be a very stupid thing to do.
So far the most logical conclusion that I've been able to come to is to continue to Live my life to the best of my ability, and to still take her calls when they come, let her have her fun, still be a man about things, be that so suave, DJ. Don't let my emotions run wild, employ a semi-cold demeanor on her front and to try and open my eyes to see different women. And perhaps, one day, things may turn out a little differently. After all, why burn a bridge that may still be cross able?
.... This is what i need to do, right? It's just really hard though. I want to call her right now and tell her she should be with me.
