8.5 months ago my ex dumped me right as we were on the verge of getting formally engaged. Monday she was telling me what kind of engagement ring she wanted. Wednesday she was telling me how much she loved me. Saturday I got dumped. Anyways, I didn't beg or plead for her to take me back, I handled the thing with dignity, but it DID f*ck me up for months. I did some casual dating because as a guy I felt I needed validation from other females to restore what I let her take from me, when I should have had enough self worth and sense of self to never let her take anything but her voluntary participation in the relationship. I bedded two chicks about six months afterwards, but one of them I didn't feel very strongly about and discontinued things early, the other blew me off. Because I was still hurting so much over my ex neither of those situations really bothered me much at all. Anyways, the story of my ex is here if you're interested:
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=352358&p=4868705&viewfull=1#post4868705
Anyways, that brings us to today and my current prospect. Met her on OK Cupid. Two dates so far. I like her, but I want to take things slow. We haven’t in any way had any sort of talks about being “exclusive,” but she has admitted she is very smitten with me and I get the vibe that she thinks we are. I like her and want to continue to get to know her, but honestly after two dates, the thought of committing to being in a relationship so soon is stressful. She invited me to her family’s July 4th thingie on Sunday and I accepted, but now I'm kind of wishing I hadn't. I think it's too late to back out because she already told her family and friends I was coming and I would be embarassing her to cancel on her now. I should have had enough boundaries to decline on "too soon" grounds to begin with, but as a matter of etiquette, I feel like I am obligated to go now.
I feel like before I go I need to tell her how I feel, that I like her and want to keep seeing her and getting to know her, but it’s too soon to label each other bf/gf, as we’re still essentially strangers. She’s cool and I like her, but she texts me every day and she’s already acting like we’re a couple. That’s the only red flag I see so far, that she seems to be “fast forwarding” and I want to definitely take things slow. We've fooled around, but she has pretty much said that in the next date or two I can expect sex if I want it. Her behavior is otherwise normal. She just acts like we're "together" even though it's only been two dates.
I am getting the sinking feeling that she is lonely and insecure (she told me that she had her own broken engagement end badly around the same time as my relationship), and she is not really seeing me for who I am since we are strangers, but she wants the comfort and security of a boyfriend. I'm a pretty good conversationalist and I know how to comport myself like a gentleman, so I get that she is impressed so far, but I'm thinking before Sunday I need to lay down the law, so to speak, and let her know that I am in no way ready for any bf/gf labels or exclusive commitments, and that we really do need to take time getting to know each other. And if she reacts in a sane and positive manner, then that bodes well, and if she reacts poorly, then I can pull the rip cord knowing this is a person I should not get involved with.
For several months I rebelled mentally against being made single again because of the breakup, but now it feels normal and I'm no longer miserable because of it. But I feel jaded and cynical about women and relationships as a result of the move my ex pulled. I think I have some hangups and stuff I have to work out mentally because of the trauma that ensued from thinking that you and the girl you wanted to marry were on the same page and then she pulled the rug out from under me. I feel like I am constantly on hyper alert looking for red flags, and even though I realize that ship sailed eons ago and she is bad marriage material, I am not quite over my ex and emotionally haven't kicked her off the pedestal. I wasn't a doormat, nor did I worship her when we were together, but by pedestal I just mean the ordinary reaction when there is something you want that you can't have. I actually was kind of looking forward to taking a break for a few months from any dating activity at all, not as an excuse to justify inactivity but to work on myself, something I neglected when I was frantically doing casual dating trying to replace my ex. I realize it doesn't work that way.
Anyways, does anybody feel like I am maybe reading too much into being invited to her family's July 4th thing? I don't want to be introduced as her bf and it feels like she is moving things a little too fast.
One of the worst aspects of the breakup is that in my heart I know I was a great boyfriend to my ex, I got nothing but positive feedback during the time we were together. All of my female friends and my therapist essentially said the same thing: that sometimes women will "go along" for a while with a nice guy because he seems like the kind of person that they should introduce to their parents, but then they dump him when their feelings don't develop. All of my female friends said essentially the same thing about my ex: that you don't stay with somebody for a year and make serious plans if you don't love them on some level, and her dumping you says far more about her than it does you. A woman can't fake something like that for that long. Our relationship was intense. But not only have I lost my confidence in women as a gender, but I feel like I've lost confidence in myself, that my instincts will not serve and protect me. I'm just so confused right now and feel like I haven't healed enough.
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=352358&p=4868705&viewfull=1#post4868705
Anyways, that brings us to today and my current prospect. Met her on OK Cupid. Two dates so far. I like her, but I want to take things slow. We haven’t in any way had any sort of talks about being “exclusive,” but she has admitted she is very smitten with me and I get the vibe that she thinks we are. I like her and want to continue to get to know her, but honestly after two dates, the thought of committing to being in a relationship so soon is stressful. She invited me to her family’s July 4th thingie on Sunday and I accepted, but now I'm kind of wishing I hadn't. I think it's too late to back out because she already told her family and friends I was coming and I would be embarassing her to cancel on her now. I should have had enough boundaries to decline on "too soon" grounds to begin with, but as a matter of etiquette, I feel like I am obligated to go now.
I feel like before I go I need to tell her how I feel, that I like her and want to keep seeing her and getting to know her, but it’s too soon to label each other bf/gf, as we’re still essentially strangers. She’s cool and I like her, but she texts me every day and she’s already acting like we’re a couple. That’s the only red flag I see so far, that she seems to be “fast forwarding” and I want to definitely take things slow. We've fooled around, but she has pretty much said that in the next date or two I can expect sex if I want it. Her behavior is otherwise normal. She just acts like we're "together" even though it's only been two dates.
I am getting the sinking feeling that she is lonely and insecure (she told me that she had her own broken engagement end badly around the same time as my relationship), and she is not really seeing me for who I am since we are strangers, but she wants the comfort and security of a boyfriend. I'm a pretty good conversationalist and I know how to comport myself like a gentleman, so I get that she is impressed so far, but I'm thinking before Sunday I need to lay down the law, so to speak, and let her know that I am in no way ready for any bf/gf labels or exclusive commitments, and that we really do need to take time getting to know each other. And if she reacts in a sane and positive manner, then that bodes well, and if she reacts poorly, then I can pull the rip cord knowing this is a person I should not get involved with.
For several months I rebelled mentally against being made single again because of the breakup, but now it feels normal and I'm no longer miserable because of it. But I feel jaded and cynical about women and relationships as a result of the move my ex pulled. I think I have some hangups and stuff I have to work out mentally because of the trauma that ensued from thinking that you and the girl you wanted to marry were on the same page and then she pulled the rug out from under me. I feel like I am constantly on hyper alert looking for red flags, and even though I realize that ship sailed eons ago and she is bad marriage material, I am not quite over my ex and emotionally haven't kicked her off the pedestal. I wasn't a doormat, nor did I worship her when we were together, but by pedestal I just mean the ordinary reaction when there is something you want that you can't have. I actually was kind of looking forward to taking a break for a few months from any dating activity at all, not as an excuse to justify inactivity but to work on myself, something I neglected when I was frantically doing casual dating trying to replace my ex. I realize it doesn't work that way.
Anyways, does anybody feel like I am maybe reading too much into being invited to her family's July 4th thing? I don't want to be introduced as her bf and it feels like she is moving things a little too fast.
One of the worst aspects of the breakup is that in my heart I know I was a great boyfriend to my ex, I got nothing but positive feedback during the time we were together. All of my female friends and my therapist essentially said the same thing: that sometimes women will "go along" for a while with a nice guy because he seems like the kind of person that they should introduce to their parents, but then they dump him when their feelings don't develop. All of my female friends said essentially the same thing about my ex: that you don't stay with somebody for a year and make serious plans if you don't love them on some level, and her dumping you says far more about her than it does you. A woman can't fake something like that for that long. Our relationship was intense. But not only have I lost my confidence in women as a gender, but I feel like I've lost confidence in myself, that my instincts will not serve and protect me. I'm just so confused right now and feel like I haven't healed enough.
