Family problems

[djbr]

I tried to keep this out of this forum. It's a old problem but I never tried to ask advice about it here. But now the situation got a little out of control and I don't have another option, as no one I know could possibly give me unbiased advice about this issue. I will try to be as clear as possible, but my head start spinning so fast when I'm talking about this I'm sure I'll sound confused. Try to follow, please.

My father, who (not so) suddenly died, left my family with some financial problems. We have debts, but assets too, and with proper management we can (within a reasonable amount of time) pay all the debts and sacrifice only a few assets.

What is the deal, then? My mother. Since I was born we have a VERY strained relationship. She always wanted to took away my masculinity, shamed every little bit of confidence I displayed, and ALWAYS try to dominate me and dictate what I "ought" to be doing. This was long before my father died.

By law, she is the one entitled to manage the stuff. And here lies the problem...

She spends WAY too much money on things we shouldn't EVER be spending on. I'm not going to say what, but be sure it has NOTHING to do with the problem at hand. Try to call her on it, madness awaits.

I want to give up on it, I don't know, get a job or something... and get out of here as soon as I can, but it's not that easy. If she does a poor job managing the stuff, I will be paying. And without my help I'm sure the situation is gonna get REAL WORST. She does a poor job with money. On the other hand, if I keep trying, I'm going to get flamed every now and then, for whatever reason, usually when I try to stop her from spending on useless things.

I really don't know. If I'm to follow DJ advice I would surely think me and just me and do what I please, but even if I follow this I would get confused too, after all I can't get away without penalties (again, if she does sh1t with the stuff and the debt gets bigger, I'm going to pay). But if I continue, hell... I feel like an idiot. I can't live my own life. It's always family stuff, family this family that... I'm tired. I can't be an individual, always have to get the FAMILY STUFF into my schedule... I'm only 20 GOD DAMN IT! Can I just focus on my OWN life? I almost got kicked out of college because I was too busy doing family stuff and got poor grades... I feel like I am married at 20, with a nagging wife (my mother) who demands I do stuff for her and bring material goods, great financial situation AND get nothing back (pretty much what she did with my father)... but me? I still don't even know what I am going to do with my OWN life!

I'm, for the first time since I am on this forum, really sad. Advice please.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She is probably clinging to you so tightly because she just lost her husband, so it's not a reflection of you as a person and a son, but rather her own way of dealing with the loss of your dad. So don't be angry with her, but having said that, you still have to have your own life. She might be around nagging you for another forty years. Problems only get worse. If you need her, she can treat you however she likes. She won't treat you like an adult until you are able to walk away from her. You have plenty of time to build your own life, and it will only improve your relationship with your mother in the long run.

 

[Shiftkey]

I don't mean to sound rude, but no one can give any real advice without more specifics. Unless all you want is for people to tell you "that sucks man, I feel so sorry for you," and other such BS, give us more info.

 

[djbr]

She won't treat you like an adult until you are able to walk away from her. You have plenty of time to build your own life, and it will only improve your relationship with your mother in the long run.

Hey man. Thanks for the advice.

I could easily walk away, except for the fact that if she does sh1t I will be responsible for paying the debt. That's what bugs me.

I don't mean to sound rude, but no one can give any real advice without more specifics. Unless all you want is for people to tell you "that sucks man, I feel so sorry for you," and other such BS, give us more info.

I don't really need sympathy from this forum, hehe. What I want is advice on what I should do. I feel like I am in a situation that years later I'll regret something that I should have done, but now I don't have the maturity to see it.

My question is simple... should I walk away even if I know I somehow can be fvcked in the long run (by paying the debt) or should I put up with it?

I will add more details when I can think about something worth saying. My mind gets all messed up when I think about this.

 

[wayword]

AFCism is such a huge problem in this country. It's time men took the wheel back from the feministas. The pendulum has swung too far in the last 50 years - and society has been damaged very badly from it.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm in an identical predicament as you (but I want my parents' house which makes things more complicated). According to the following links, you have nothing to worry about:

Here's a couple of links that might help you a bit:
http://ask.yahoo.com/20041025.html

http://www.familyresource.com/finance/credit-and-debt/inherited-debts

Can someone die and 'leave' their debts to you? The answer is no. Parents can't leave their debts to you. In fact, they can't even leave their debts to their spouse.

Typically a will controls financial affairs after a person's death. A will distributes assets, not debts. But, before any money can be distributed to heirs, all the debts must be paid. So enough assets are sold to pay for any debts that remain. Only after the debts are paid will the remaining assets be distributed among the beneficiaries of the will.

Now, let me ask you, why the hell are you still living with your mother? None of what she does is going to affect you, so why worry? Get the hell out of there!

If you're still in doubt about this, talk to a lawyer about it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

if she does sh1t I will be responsible for paying the debt.

Could you elaborate? If the estate is hers, then you are out of the picture. She has the right to waste away your inheritance. Are you two in a joint venture of some sort? Any financial ties can be ended.

 

[djbr]

I'm in an identical predicament as you (but I want my parents' house which makes things more complicated). According to the following links, you have nothing to worry about:

Here's a couple of links that might help you a bit:
http://ask.yahoo.com/20041025.html

http://www.familyresource.com/finance/credit-and-debt/inherited-debts

Dude, finally you found my thread. I know you could relate somehow, I read countless threads of you talking about your family...

I will have to re-check this. I have a lawyer in my family who said I would be paying if there's any debts. Come to think of it, it's from my family... not unbiased information right there.

Now, let me ask you, why the hell are you still living with your mother? None of what she does is going to affect you, so why worry? Get the hell out of there!

Some things are going to affect me. My father left the assets, and part of them are mine. We can pay the debts and still be with good amounts of sh1t (mainly real estate), so it's not hard to get it growing again. That is why I'm still trying to find a way, cause this would benefit me and my whole family as well.

Why I am still living here? I have the excuse that here in Brazil things are different... if I am to get a job to get out of my parents' house I'll be in for a VERY hard time, as part-time jobs that pays a reasonable amount (enough to get outta here, pay rent elsewhere and still have a basic lifestyle) are non-existant for anyone who doesn't have a degree. (Anyone who knows Brazilians can testify to this. Just ask 'em.) And when I say basic lifestyle I'm not saying having a car, good clothes and stuff. It's real basic, like food, transportation and getting bills paid. I have to study too, I am in college. And if I am to get outta here and move to another place in the same city, my whole family would get REAL mad. That would make the situations, which is bad, irreparable.

Could you elaborate? If the estate is hers, then you are out of the picture. She has the right to waste away your inheritance. Are you two in a joint venture of some sort? Any financial ties can be ended.

No, only 50%. The other 50% is mine and my brother's, which is younger than I am and pretty disinterested.

 

[amoka]

djbr: are you the only child for both your parents?

 

[Desdinova]

I have the excuse that here in Brazil things are different...

Oh 5hit, you're in Brazil. Not sure what the laws are like around there with assets, debt, and death, or the power of attourney. In my situation, I wouldn't want to be the power of attourney in my parents' case since the debt is worth about half of the assets (the house). I'm just hoping my father cacks first, then my chance of getting their house increases greatly.

Here, if both names are on the house and one of them dies, the house automatically gets transferred over to the surviving family member. The house isn't a sole asset if there's two names on it. Since my father has nothing for assets, the bank will be forced to deal with his debt (as long as my mother's name isn't on any of it)

I have a lawyer in my family who said I would be paying if there's any debts.

Get a second, un-biased opinion.