Falling for a best friend sucks...

[mister.ritenow]

I'll try to make this short and sweet...

THE FACTS

We've been friends for five years since starting grad school together and into our careers. Always thought she was beautiful, but we never discussed being together because we were both in relationships and I wanted to and was able to respect that. Still, we regularly went out to dinner or to get a drink, and stayed good friends.

About two months ago her boyfriend broke up with her (I'm now single as well) and instantly we started hanging out twice as much as usual (once or twice a week instead of once or twice a month), and also doing different types of things, hikes, movies, shopping.

Basically, she gets visa results (whether she can stay in the country) this week and I've been waiting to tell her how I feel until those arrive, both because it might be pointless if she has to leave after the summer and because I didn't want to drop a bomb on her (assuming she is unsuspecting) during such an emotional roller coaster as she's very worried about leaving. I am now faced with the decision of whether to say anything if she indeed can stay in the country, out of fear of destroying the relationship we already have... Here is what I'm working with...

PROS:

- sharp increase in time spent with me
- has no problem going out to really nice dinners
- celebrated a major career accomplishment with me just last week
- recent change in the substance of our hangouts (movies, hike, etc)
- asks my opinion on clothes she tries on while shopping
- all my female friends think she likes me based on her behavior
- after we go out to dinner she always texts to thank me so much
- came out and met my friends, had a great time
- makes an effort to be very polite to my parents/friends
- I get a very positive reaction when I tease her playfully
- seems willing to go on vacation with me in july
- slight increase in physical contact, albeit not sexual
- we are each other's type, both racially and personality-wise

CONS

- talks about dates with other guys in front of me, although always to say how bad it went and that talk ceased a couple weeks ago
- we've never discussed being together or getting physical.
- she has a very hard time reading guys (admittedly) and may be misinterpreting my increased interest.


ANYWAY, I'd really appreciate any advice you all have during this stressful and distracting time, or any anecdotes from those of you that have gone through the same. I've never fallen for such a good friend before and it is scary because I know we get along great, but that could cease to be the case if I open my mouth... HELP! Thanks in advance, you guys rock :rockon:

 

[Tictac]

You're her girlfriend.

Good luck.

 

[ZTIME]

Basically, the only time I've gotten increased interest from a friend-zoner is when I've pulled away and flirted with/dated other girls either in front of her, or with her knowledge.

Dropping a bomb and confessing feelings NEVER works for the guy. The other nice guy route, continued hang-outs with her, satisfies her emotional needs but does nothing to increase attraction for her.

Instead you've got to show her you are in demand. So you're going to have to approach women, get numbers, go out for drinks. But don't tell her every detail of your dating life. Keep it vague. Once in a while, break plans with her but don't explain why.

I know this sounds all very underhanded, but this isn't "Friends." This is how women are and as men we have to work within their framework. If confessing feelings worked, there would be no manosphere.

I should add that broadening your horizons will only be good for your development because you clearly have a case of Oneitis. So, either you will attract her, or you will attract another girl who's hopefully just as cool. That's better than having her LJBF you and you sitting there with nothing.

One other key to this strategy is to re-frame. Make HER feel like she's chasing you. Some night when you're out drinking, smile and tell her "You're being really flirty right now." Things like that. Your mentality should be that you're the prize and she's got to compete for you. I hope that makes sense.

^^^^^ Spot On!!!

To get what you want you have to be willing to walk away from what you have.

And yes, before you go after some sort of LTR with this one, you may want to consider readjusting your frame. You kind of are putting this one on a pedestal.

 

[Alvafe]

drop the sweet part....

bad state youa re now op, really bad, well first thing, never confess, that will not work, doing what sams said is your best bet, and with luck you will find a better prospect out there

 

[mister.ritenow]

Thanks all, your advice is much appreciated. I'm glad I didn't spill the beans at this point, as I needed an objective outside view to tell me what I feared. I guess moving on is the way to go because it will free me emotionally and is also coincidentally the only way I can get what I want.

Time to man up... thanks guys.

 

[ChrisFloyd]

Treat her like a friend.

Be natural.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Treat her like a friend.

Be natural.

Treating women like friends is NOT NATURAL. The only guys who keep women as friends are GAY MEN.




Simple: Pvssy or gtfo.

Tell her what you really feel， be honest with her dude..

"Yeah hey, so today I thought you could come over wearing some lingerie or something.. Why? Well, I mean, this baby ain't gonna make itself right? You never thought of me that way? Oh... damn sorry, I was under the impression you wanted to date me... oh okay, well no need to make this any more awkward then it already is, talk to you later, I've got to find a girl who wants to be with me."

You NEED to breakup with her dude, its the only way to gauge any sort of feelings she has for you. If she actually likes you, it will spur her to do something about it, if she doesn't well... you know what to do. NEXT all women from your life until you find one that you want to keep, women friends add 0 value to your character.

 

[backbreaker]

there is only one sure fire way to figure out if she likes you or not

**** other women. her reaction will tell you all you need to know

 

[LiveFreeX]

On that note, breaking up with female friends is SUPER EASY, because you really don't care about her beyond getting her in the sack.

Breaking up with MALE friends... now that one will leave some serious PTSD in your life. I 'broke up' with a best-friend over mangina behavior last year and it still haunts me to this day. When I look at our old pictures... man tears almost well up... ex-gfs garner laughter and smiles all around. Nothing could be easier.

 

[sodbuster]

Date other women, spend your money on them. IF she was interested in you "that way", she would have "accidentally" rubbed her boobs against you, invaded your personal space, touched you MORE than a normal friend would, etc.... and you wouldn't be here asking...

I have a friend, could be the same story. I told her " I'd date you, but I'm allergic to your dog. So until you TELL me that you understand the dog has to go if we get serious.... we aren't dating" SHE got a SECOND dog. I told her with a smile, " you didn't TELL me the dog didn't matter, you didn't NEED to get another damn dog to make sure we didn't date"

Sam has it right.

 

[LiveFreeX]

I'd like to know why PUAs are even considering talking more with this woman? The fact is that if shes not giving you the goods, shes wasting your life (time). Women can drain more of your time/life than a cigarette... think about that one for a second.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

You're her girlfriend.

Good luck.

LOL! Awesome, and spot on.

there is only one sure fire way to figure out if she likes you or not

**** other women. her reaction will tell you all you need to know

Another great point here. If this woman has some new c0ck showing up in her life that was hot and showing her attention, do you truly think she'd hesistate to jump on? And that hesistation originates from the 'friendship' she has with you? Hell no she'd be on that c0ck faster than she could drop her panties.



I always get a kick out of new guys who sign up here then post about their problems with the inevitable wall of text. I have yet to see any deviation in categorizing the problem that they are either:

a. beta
b. have oneitis

OP, any guesses on which one you have? I think you have both actually. Has this woman prevented you from banging other chicks? No, but you've prevented yourself from doing this by 'falling' for this woman. And to make matters worse you've not actually posted anything truly remarkable about her that would suggest a fairytale LTR would actually work out between you two.