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Fading attraction, chemicals, etc

GunShow85

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https://www.quora.com/Why-does-my-ex-look-ugly-after-breaking-up

Q: Why does my ex look ugly after breaking up? When I was dating her she appeared to be absolutely beautiful and after we've broken up and I moved on, and I see her on social media, I feel like she appears ugly. Is this psychological?

A: First, the fact is that almost everybody in the world has physical flaws. Almost nobody looks perfect.

That said, when a person falls into infatuation or love, their brain and nervous system actually experience chemicals that are particular to those feelings. They intensify the attachment and desire one feels for the object of affection.

So it's very likely that this chemical experience influences your visual perception of the person. At the time, you are most likely overlooking the flaws they actually have and may even find them endearing.

But once the romance is over, and you've emotionally moved on, you're no longer under the "love spell" and are simply seeing the person as they really are, someone with physical flaws, like everybody else.


Does this happen to you?
Ever see your ex and say 'what was I thinking?'
 
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Roober

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I just looked at a pic of my ex the other day. I remember saying how beautiful she was and constantly pandering her snaps, etc. I looked at the pic and was like... damn, she's cute, but nothing like what I felt before...

Why did I think she was sooooo hot? Cause she really wasn't....
 

ImTheDoubleGreatest!

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Not with me. Sometimes I can see how certain flaws work together and make a girl pretty, like sometimes a chick with braces is still hot in her own way. But if a girl is ugly, she's just ugly. If she's hot, then she's hot. I never get infatuated anymore either, that's some 12 or 13 year old crap to me.
 

wifehunter

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Yep, it's the bonding hormones. It's why I'm "hands off" with plates. It ruins any objectivity. You think she's the hottest thing ever, but it's just nature pulling you in.
 

LARaiders85

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Ever see your ex and say 'what was I thinking?'
Well, they get a lot older and you tend to do better over time as a male especially. Obviously an ex from 10 years ago is going to look a lot worse now. Some near the wall or who have kids will look a lot worse in just one year or less. Sure this takes some of the sting off of losing them, but I still appreciate my exes esp at the time I dated them in the purely looks sense. Plus, its hot when a girl likes you, why wouldnt that make her more attractive(including ACTING and LOOKING more attractive for you).The hormones masked their poor character though.
 

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GunShow85

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Good points.
1- Love chemicals (oxytocin) eventually wear off. What was once your "oneitis" eventually goes back to "just another cute girl." This is usually a short-term effect. For example, if you break up and run into them 6 months later, they are probably still attractive but just not the same as honeymoon period limerence.

2- They age poorly. 99% of the time a woman's looks decline with age so assuming you don't see your ex for a few years, they actually are worse looking. This is usually a long-term issue unless they suddenly gain weight. I had a 10-yr class reunion and saw a few old flames that hadn't seen in years and was just like wtf was I thinking. In this case, they had declined some.

In both cases, I seem to have the effect of falling for someone and seeing them in a different light. Then it eventually wears off. I guess this is just human nature. In fact, scientists theorize that oxytocin causes bonding and even impacts visual perception of partner to help parents stay together to raise children (evolutionary advantage). Makes sense that the honeymoon effect wears off at 12-24 months as caveman family had their baby to critical point by then.

For me, this is the best way to know you are over an ex. You run into them and really feel no special attraction. I wonder if men and women have this same effect and I presume that men's feeling fade faster than women, but there are always exceptions.

Feels good to see and ex and realize I am doing well and have no feelings.
 

Skyline

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There was a girl that I had oneitits for before joined this site for a year or two.

Ran into her at a party a few months back and thought she was unattractive despite my friends claiming how hot she was. She's still a short, thin, with a fat *ss, Asian with jet black long hair.

She sounds attractive based on that description but I was just wondering why I found her so alluring...
 

bigneil

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https://www.quora.com/Why-does-my-ex-look-ugly-after-breaking-up

Q: Why does my ex look ugly after breaking up? When I was dating her she appeared to be absolutely beautiful and after we've broken up and I moved on, and I see her on social media, I feel like she appears ugly. Is this psychological?

A: First, the fact is that almost everybody in the world has physical flaws. Almost nobody looks perfect.

That said, when a person falls into infatuation or love, their brain and nervous system actually experience chemicals that are particular to those feelings. They intensify the attachment and desire one feels for the object of affection.

So it's very likely that this chemical experience influences your visual perception of the person. At the time, you are most likely overlooking the flaws they actually have and may even find them endearing.

But once the romance is over, and you've emotionally moved on, you're no longer under the "love spell" and are simply seeing the person as they really are, someone with physical flaws, like everybody else.


Does this happen to you?
Ever see your ex and say 'what was I thinking?'
Very true. Unless her photos rate 99. In fact, even then.
 

GunShow85

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I guess love fades with time and you probably viewed them differently during honeymoon period.

Even if they look the exact same a month later, once the spell has worn off then that are just another random cute girl. Plus you probably see their imperfections more clearly after breakup and time apart.

I'm glad I don't get alpha widowed like I have seen so many women. I lose attraction to all exes but know girls who still pine over guys from 10+ yrs ago (when drunk).
 

nismo-4

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There's a reason why I say she's not that attractive and you can do better. It's really simple.
 
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